|
I am drawn to the beach one again, like so many times before just like the little boy who answers the siren call of the lit-up window of the candy store it is a compulsion far too strong to resist for this is where my feet will lead, in times of sorrow, in times of joy when I mourn for that which is irrevocably lost, or I cry with a joy to intense to share and thus I answer the call of the sea for the primitive part of me cries out to go back to the where of barely conscious thought, when the world was young and wild and many a species lived and died without ever leaving the primordial soup that finally spawned forth us - the human race I walk across the sand-dunes, following the unseen path of my mind the same way that I navigate the ever-changing dunes of my life the hour is late as I trudge along the beach, watching the tide come in and hearing the crash of the waves, as they charge forth in foaming abandon - to die upon the shore so like the final spilling of the seed of an unseen behemoth that gladly gives his last as he rushes in gleeful haste toward his final rest. My slow, meandering path along the beach is bathed in the eerie glow of an orange moon that glares in cold malevolence upon the strife and labours of this puny human being whose struggle for life and death is of such little consequence to this ancient orb that has witnessed the rise and fall of mighty civilisations without even a stir and I am made aware of this stark fact with such piercing clarity that I become an instant eunuch in the laughing seraglio of the universe I face into the cool and biting breeze of the spring winds, whose voice speaks to me in a keening dirge that fuels the coals of my melancholy to a bonfire of pain my plodding feet echoes with the crack of the barren shells of what was once the protection of delicate creatures from the sea and with the sound of each crushed shell beneath my boot another dream and desire in my deepest soul feels the intense pain of its own demise As I stand there with the ocean sprays misting my face and mingling with my tears I can no longer hide from this knowledge... I am alone Through the thick foul-smelling miasma of agony that envelops my soul I become dimly aware of the gulls hovering above their raucous cries and the incongruity of them being here at this hour - as it is yet to be the time for the rising of the sun rips asunder the cloak of misery that I have wrapped around my heart And when I lift my eyes slowly and glance towards the horizon so painfully bright I see for the first time with total clarity of sight and mind into a future no longer totally dark and cold That is when I see her sitting quietly upon the sands her long hair blowing in the wind, just waiting patiently for me to rip the blinkers from my eyes and see that she has been there for the longest while her eyes looking at me beseechingly and reaching out her hand to me in total trust and honesty begging me to take to heart the gifts she so openly offers to bestow the friendship, caring and the willingness to share my burdens, and yes, also her love, she seeks to give me so freely An icy tendril envelops my mind and soul, making my heart beat fast and my breath to still for I know the answer not, to the quietly unspoken request Do I reach out my hand and accept the warmth and caring of which she begs me to partake or do I turn my face away in haste and flee back to the demons that await Will I willingly let them draw me back to the old familiar hell or will I find the courage within myself to take that forward step once more into the warmth and love that beckons and tempts me to partake to once again walk that tightrope path where ecstasy and pain form the two halves that can make me whole. Naomi Pollock March 2001 |
