My Personal Favorites from LazyTitle.com
"Going on the Atkins diet is against the grain."
"I saw a strip club that has a poker table. Why don't they consolidate and play strip poker?"
"I like to shave kiwis before I eat them."
"A good comedian will read the audience. Unfortunately, I don't speak audience."
"I hired a vetrinarian to put down my dog. He looked at the dog and said, "frick you, you stupid dog.""
I"t's what's on the inside that counts, but only if you're a chronograph."
"a weiner gave me lemons but he forgot to give me a juicer."
"A cashier asked if I had any smaller bills. I said, "No, this is my only hat.""
"I am afraid of drummers who keep extra sticks in a quiver because they might pull out a bow and shoot one at me if I don't cheer loud enough."
"Wprostitotver named their vodka Skyy was too drunk to spell. Same with Absolut. Jack Daniels cheated and copied it off his ID."
"How the frick did Pabst win a blue ribbon?"
"Tap dancing has been easy since I replaced my carpets with bubble wrap."
"I had a footrest while the other kept working."
"Yogurt says fruit is on the bottom, but it also says low fat. So what is down there, fruit or fat?"
"I was a timid driver until I installed motivational speakers into my car."
"I am terrible at commiting suicide. I tried slitting my wrists with a rollerblade."
"One time I tried overdosing on placebo pills. I only thought I was dead."
"I am starting a marching band. I am also starting a band for all the other months of the year."
"A guy asked me if I had some spare time. I told him to check in the trunk next to the tire."
"I knew a guy with epilepsy. He was a real jerk."
"A moth walked into a bar and said, "Could I get a light?""
"What do you do when the voices in your head are from a psychotherapist?"
"I had a ringing in my ear, so I answered it. It was the voices. They said "Hi, we are in Jamacia, be back soon.""
"A waiter asked for my order, but I gave him my chaos."
"I would preserve nature if they made seran wrap that big."
"Circumsizing a black man requires long division."
"Shortcuts are for lesbians."
"There are many defintions for a beat poet. My favorite involves a stick."
"I am pro choice. That means I make decisions for a living."
"A farmer fed his cow too much decalf and accidentally gave it an abortion."
"The express lane is bad at expressing itself."
"I am all for capital punishment. That is why I destroyed my caps locked key."
"I never hit enter because enter did nothing to me."
"I started a band called Speeding but we only had one show because everyone who went got speeding tickets."
"I am starting an all joking EMO band called A New Found Gloryhole."
"I tried to make elevator music but the drumset would not fit in."
"I can't stand crippled women on their period. Crippled women can't stand period."
"I saw a house in the paper with one bedroom and two bathrooms. Just in case one was out of order."
"Whenever I try to brainstorm, my brain takes out an umbrella."
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