How to become an obnoxious internet cam whore in 5 easy steps.

How to become an obnoxious internet cam whore in five easy steps.

Ever wanted to become a trashy internet cam whore, but you just don't know how? Tired of earning money for things the honest way? If you're shameless and conceited enough, then the exciting world of online prostitution may be for you. It's hard at first, but don't get discouraged. Being a cranky bitch and undressing yourself in front of a cam for middle-aged men isn't as easy as it seems, so here are five simple rules to keep in mind when becoming an internet cam whore:

1. Never smile.

Smiling gets you nowhere. Guys totally dig ornery chicks who wallow in self-pity. Be sure to give yourself a clever moniker like "SEX_GODDESS" or bring out the real cock tease inside you by naming yourself "2_HOT_4_U." It's very important to mope and look depressed because people don't like talking to other people in a good mood. Depressed losers are cool and totally original, don't hold back!
One other subtle point: never use proper grammar or punctuation. Why type "you're" when you can type "ur"? Being coherent is overrated.

2. Write bad poetry, and lots of it.

Writing bad poetry is easy when you disregard meter, pace, and rhyming scheme. Just make sure to follow a few simple guidelines:
1. Never write about anything cheerful. Remember, you are a tortured artist. Be one.
2. Be sure to use the following words at least once per sentence, no fewer than 50 times per poem: lament, loathe, soul, darkness, bitter, agony, despair, misery, anguish, pain, suffer, woe, hate, death, love, sultry, angel, rose, acrid and nihilism. Nihilism is a good one because it comes up all the time in normal conversations.

1. Never smile.

Smiling gets you nowhere. Guys totally dig ornery chicks who wallow in self-pity. Be sure to give yourself a clever moniker like "SEX_GODDESS" or bring out the real cock tease inside you by naming yourself "2_HOT_4_U." It's very important to mope and look depressed because people don't like talking to other people in a good mood. Depressed losers are cool and totally original, don't hold back! One other subtle point: never use proper grammar or punctuation. Why type "you're" when you can type "ur"? Being coherent is overrated.
2. Write bad poetry, and lots of it.

Writing bad poetry is easy when you disregard meter, pace, and rhyming scheme. Just make sure to follow a few simple guidelines: 1. Never write about anything cheerful. Remember, you are a tortured artist. Be one. 2. Be sure to use the following words at least once per sentence, no fewer than 50 times per poem: lament, loathe, soul, darkness, bitter, agony, despair, misery, anguish, pain, suffer, woe, hate, death, love, sultry, angel, rose, acrid and nihilism. Nihilism is a good one because it comes up all the time in normal conversations.