You know I love internet forums. They are the perfect place to practice making fun of people and not get your ass kicked. I’ve signed up for multiple forums just for this reason. Normally people in these forums like “lol, wigidywack your so funny,” or “hahahahahaha, lmao. Wigidywackdaddy ur hysterical.” One time I read one of these forums and couldn’t believe what I read. The fallowing is the discussion I had with this guy, unkissed:
He posted:
I'd like your thoughts on this...
April 6th, 2005
Published online.
The movie we went to see was "Hitch"... possibly the worst, or maybe the best, movie to see on a first date. I think we both knew that it was a little too soon to talk about the topics of that movie right after it.
One thing I did pick up from the movie, and agreed with is the "Iceburg principle".
I am an iceburg.
90% of who I am is under the surface.
I just wish the other 10% wasn't all about marketing, because I can't market
myself as anything other than a decent guy worth having as a friend.
I can aspire to be the sweetest guy in the world.
But just not in that 10%.
Regarding dating, people tell others to "just be themselves"
The tragedy is that it would never be appropriate to reveal much of that 90%
until someone has gotten comfortable with you.
The fact that I'm extremely devoted to my future wife, saving everything, including my first kiss, for her, because I know she's already walking this earth and as much as an impossibility as it seems, I love her without knowing who she is; whilst at the same time, for the same reason, creating a collection of poems and letters which only she will ever read. The amount of thought I've taken, through my own personal studies, meditation, and experiences on the dynamic and progressing-through-redemption nature of what it is to be human, means I also see the world through somewhat mystical eyes, being able to see other human beings for the beautiful mysteries they are, even if they don't see it themselves. Some of those things might stand for some useful qualities to some girls.
Unfortunately, most girls never get to hear about that. Most never look beyond the 10% that they see day to day.
I swear, the first girl who's actually willing to get to know me as a person, I will love more than she ever expected to be loved, for the rest of my life.
He fallowed his initial post with this one:
I should have clarified this more. I don't really see it as a cage. More of a taking my time. The effects of my stance mean that, after almost 6 years of thinking like this, I've developed a deep appreciation and ability to cherish things like holding hands, or be able to be completely content with cuddling (in a non-sexual way) all night long. If you stop speaking for a while, you begin to hear much more clearly. I see so much more beauty in little things than I did 5 years ago, and a lot of it is to do with my saving as much as I could for someone, who, if indeed I do marry someday, already exists and is walking this earth right now. I don't want anything in return. I just want her to know I've loved her from before I even knew who she was.
I couldn’t believe what I read. This guy might as well have written, “I’m begging you to make fun of me,” or at least that’s what I my perception was. I replied nice the first time and then let him have it.
Me (being nice here):
Seriously, I started making out with girls in middle school. Get a life and
get laid.
Queer:
I'm not cheap like that. I've had plenty of opportunities. I've just decided
not to pursue them. I just love my future wife. And I have a life. What,
in the extremely little you know about me, makes you think I don't?
Me (At this point I decide to quit being nice and turn into a complete asshole):
I know that you are a pussy. Take advantage candy ass. What the fuck is wrong
with you? How do you expect to know who the right on is if you've never experienced
anything? Did you dick fall off or something? Are you scared you might be
gay? What are you plans? Make out, sex, and marriage all at the same time?
Or is your first kiss going to be at your wedding?
Cuddling in a nonsexual way is nice, I’ll give you that; but cuddling with your hands down someone's pants is lot more fun.
i clicked on this forum expecting so see something about the titanic or about one night stands or something interesting not some loser that can't get a date or his dick sucked.
p.s.
I mean seriously, I prance around in Speedos all day with a shaved dick. How
bad do you look when I make fun of you?
After this post, there are about 6-7 other post with, “lmao, wigidywackdaddy that was great,” or something to that effect. Apparently Mr. Unkissed did not take this so well. His response was:
Until you give me a coherent, meaningful argument, you're just sounding like a shallow, pathetic idiot who assumes more about a person than he could possibly know. I have absolutely no problems with popularity or respect from people who know me. Don't assume that means I just do whatever the hell people expect me to do. I think differently than most people. Get over it.
I think the fount of your ignorance is probably your inherent presupposition that anything different = bad.
And FFS, stop trying to act tough in a forum. I've been lifting for the past 7 years, and training in martial arts most of my life, so if you're anything like everyone I meet in person, you wouldn't do it to me in real life, so just STFU if you have nothing useful to say, ok?
Oh no, he didn’t. He just called me ignorant and then proceeds to act like a hard ass and use internet lingo in the same 2 paragraphs. It’s over. Wigidywack is unleashed now.
Me:
Wow the past 7 years and you do martial arts? Wow I’m scared big
tough guy.
What hell is up with that smile? i was going to give you some points for that suit (it's classy) but that fucked up face ruins it. 0 points.
STFU? FFS? What’s the matter pretty boy? Can’t use profanity? Are you waiting for your wife before you start using vulgar language too?
no problems with popularity or respect? Too bad imaginary friends don't count.
So what if I am shallow, lazy, drunken teenager? At least I have fun in life.
Anyone else think it's ironic of this tool to make fun of my "ignorance," when he couldn't begin to compete with my 33 ACT?
Want so legitimate arguments? How do you know when you've met your future wife when you've got no experience with women? How will you know when it's her? Ever consider that the divorce rate in this country is 50%; maybe your first wife won't be your last? How will she know that you're the one for her if you show her no signs of physical attraction?
I bet you die alone. Either that or you become a priest and molest little boys.
This post was fallowed by 10 or so of “holy shit, that was the funniest thing I’ve read in this forum,” or ones of similar nature. He really didn’t take this well at all. He responed:
I don't know how interesting this thread is... all that guy does is throw groundless insults... he doesn't even know me for fucks sake. I'm writing this a little tipsy from drinking beer and being in a room full of cannabis fumes (capoeira friends birthday party... college students usually = weed fumes) but anyways, I really can't see any point in responding to him. He's built up a straw man in his mind which simply isn't who I am. I'm not going to throw insults back because I don't know him to be able to pass any sort of judgement on him. I just know that he wouldn't ever speak like this to me in real life, as tough as he tried to be in his initial posts. He wouldn't even hear any of this to begin with since it's not something I'm overly vocal about. He's just 18 though, and has a lot of growing up to do. Maybe he'll get less emotional and not so much of a drama queen in the future, and respond in the way unlikeyourhero did earlier, disagreeing with my position, but in a respectful way.
It’s over at this point. He just needs to bend over and take it. He’s
going to get raped.
Me:
I’ll admit I need to do some growing up but for the time being I’m going to be a complete asshole on a internet forum that doesn't mean shit.
Maybe you should lay off the weed and realize that you’re in college and can't get your dick sucked. How sad is that? Honestly if I ever turn out like you, I’ll just go lie down in the highway and get it over with.
Maybe you should wake up from your crazy stoner dream and learn how to make up some insults. I bet you got your ass kicked everyday in high school. Figuring you should do something about this, you took karate. This didn't help any, and only made people beat you up more.
How many beers did it take to get you tipsy? One? Two? Do you pass out after a whopping 6 beers?
I wouldn't really ever speak to you like this in real life? I wouldn't here any of it because it's not something your overly vocal about? Now you’re making assumptions about me after saying i shouldn't make assumptions about you, fucking hypocrite.
I was with you on the iceberg principle (I know guys that are really shy) till you said something to the effect of "I’ve never kissed a girl." guess what? Even the shyest guys have at least made out with their girlfriends, even if they haven't with some random girl they met that night a party.
This guy is no doubt the biggest looser I have ever heard about in one of these online forums. His next post makes me wonder how he has not killed himself yet:
Ok, for the record... what even absolute secularists would call "good things" in my life:
A wide social circle.
Being something of a very local celebrity.
My rather extrovert and loud sense of humor coming into fashion where I live.
Going from being regarded as a geek in high school to pretty much controlling
what is cool in college.
Respect and admiration from my peers.
Beer.
Capoeira.
The company of the pretty ladies in capoeira, of which there are many.
Being able to party, chill, have fun with just about anyone.
95% of the people in my life have no idea of my stance on romance. It's not something I bring up everyday. It's a personal decision which I still see the benefits of it outweighing the risks. I see the world in a very different light and can appreciate every piece of intimacy so much more now that my thought processes have matured into it.
Keep further posts insult-free if you want me to respond to anything coherent you may have said.
It’s all over. This kid might as well start tying the noose now.
Me:
Time for a some more insults. unkissed, if you weren't making this so easy, i wouldn't be doing this.
Ok, for the record... what even absolute secularists would call "good things" in my life: good things in life? Even your mother hates you
A wide social circle. Imaginary friends don't count
Being something of a very local celebrity. Again imaginary people don't count. Too bad you can't use your "celebrity" to get any face time
My rather extrovert and loud sense of humor coming into fashion where I live. You live at home with your mother
Going from being regarded as a geek in high school to pretty much controlling what is cool in college. Ha, I was right. You did get your ass kicked in high school.
Respect and admiration from my peers. Well if you call respect getting made fun of hourly by everyone on campus
Beer. Beer is for pussies. It’s all about Captain Morgan bitches.
Capoeira. I’ll agree strip clubs are nice for guys who can't get any.
The company of the pretty ladies in capoeira, of which there are many. your definition of pretty must be 400 pounds
Being able to party, chill, have fun with just about anyone. as stated before, imaginary people don't count. too bad you don't have any real friends
95% of the people in my life have no idea of my stance on romance. further proof that no one at college thinks your "cool" It's not something I bring up everyday. just cut off your dick now. there are plenty of starving kids in Africa who would love to eat it for food.
It's a personal decision which I still see the benefits of it outweighing the risks. I see the world in a very different light and can appreciate every piece of intimacy so much more now that my thought processes have matured into it. every piece of intimacy, for you, is when ever a chick decides to find out if you're going to shoot up or not. of course your a pansy, so the answer is always no.
that's all for now. i'm going to get drunk and makeout with 4 chicks unlike
this pansy who won't even giving a peck to one.
Keep further posts insult-free if you want me to respond to anything coherent you may have said. only because he can't think of insults himself.
He somehow managed to get 2 posts in before I could make fun of him again. The first was:
I feel honored that you're taking all this time to think of things to say about me. I had no idea I was so important to you. Thank you.
Apparently a failed attempt to be humorous; I think he thought I was through. Much to his surprise I wasn’t. The second was:
Everyone knows anyone can get sex or whatever. I could if I wanted to. The last girl I dated got to the final stages of a national model search. Every week I'm surrounded by very beautiful girls who train in capoeira with me. The life I lead, I lead by choice not by compulsion. I thank you, unlikeyourhero, for being the only other person in this thread to realize that and respond in an intelligent way.
I made my final post before the forum moderator took offense and kicked me out of the forum. Oh well, who cares? It’s a GD internet forum.
To his first post of “I feel honored that you're taking all this time to think of things to say about me. I had no idea I was so important to you. Thank you.” I responded:
you better, bitch
And to his second of “Everyone knows anyone can get sex or whatever. I could if I wanted to. The last girl I dated got to the final stages of a national model search. Every week I'm surrounded by very beautiful girls who train in capoeira with me. The life I lead, I lead by choice not by compulsion. I thank you, unlikeyourhero, for being the only other person in this thread to realize that and respond in an intelligent way.” (I think this is what got me kicked out):
Bullshit. That’s why you can't even get face time. Final stages of a model search for hogs. Train capoeira? Oh you mean the girls at the strip club. Yes, they are hot.
I read about this kid’s suicide and funeral arrangements in the paper the next day.
42, 098 people actually care about internet forums.