Wigidy Gets Shot Down
This is one of my less humorous stories but it’ll have to do because this one won’t get me expelled from high school.
I’ve been shot down many a time and it is something that I’m all too familiar with. Most of the time is just a simple “no” or a “fuck off” or she gives me a fakey but this time was different. This broad told me a story that would make a homeless man begging for money proud. And this is how is went:
I’m at a swim meet and am walking around doing nothing in particular but looking good when I spot my former teammate “Liken.” Liken and I start chatting it up about nothing in particular and we get to his team bench I notice an amazingly hot girl.
“Who’s that?” I ask.
Liken: “Maria Cruz. She’s Max’s older sister.”
Me: “Wanna introduce me?”
Liken: “You won’t get anywhere.”
Me (the constant optimist): “So what?”
Liken: “Well ok then.”
So Liken does a good ex-teammate should and introduces me. During the middle of our introductions, another former teammate “Shanay-nay” comes up and introduces himself as well. This isn’t good for Wixom being associated with; competition and Shanay-nay is a pretty obnoxious SOB. I’m sure I’ll make fun of him later on this site but for now, on with the story. After the formalities of introductions, the conversation went something like this:
Shanay-nay tells an uninteresting, gay ass story that would get him a beat down if I didn’t know him.
Me: “Wow that was embarrassing. Your speaking privileges have been
revoked.”
Shanay-nay: “Well then let here one of your stories.”
Me: “Well okay.”
I proceed to tell the Wheelchair-Escalator Story (coming soon), much to the amusement of the group, fallowed by the Speedo Thong Story (also coming soon). By this point everyone is laughing to the point of tears. Well, Maria decides to go to the bathroom. We sit around and bullshit some more till she comes back. Upon her return, I realize I must swim soon so I make my move.
Me: “Well I got to go swim soon and since you’ve heard quite
a few Wigidy Wack Daddy stories, I was wondering if I could hear some Maria Cruz
stories.”
Shanay-nay: “I heard one about how you came home with your shirt off.
Let’s hear that one.”
Maria gives us a blank stare.
Me: “Maybe I could get your number and we could conversate sometime.”
The response she gave me is what warranted a webpage.
Maria: “Well see I can’t. I mean I would but I’m grounded,
like forever.”
Me (confused): “What? What’d you do? You can’t talk on
the phone anymore?”
Maria: “Well no. See well, every weekend I would go out and go to parties
and hangout and stuff. But I never told my parents where I was going. I always
told them that I was going bowling.”
Me (at this point her story is sounding believable to me): “…So
you got caught. How?”
Maria: “Well see this one time I got really trashed and I lost my shirt
(presumablely after sex). And one of my friends drove me home that night
without my shirt.”
(At this point it think she just needs better friends; I mean seriously,
who let their friends go home shirtless)
Maria: “So my parents woke up when I walked it. They saw me there with
no shirt and wreaking of alcohol and said, ‘What the fuck?’”
(At this point, my B.S. detector starts going off.)
Me (wanted to hear how long I could keep her going: “I bet they were
pissed.”
Maria: “They were. So I was standing there shit house drunk and they
were just staring. Then my dad exploded. He was yelling at the top of his
lungs for a solid 15 minutes straight. By the end I was crying my eyes out.”
(Like an asshole, I laugh when I here this.)
Maria: “So after that I went to bed. The next morning I woke up and
they told me I was grounded.”
Me: “Understandable. How long?”
Maria: “Well, see, a real long time. Till like May 2006. They were
real pissed.”
(At this point I start laughing uncontrollably; my B.S. detector just got
overloaded. I laugh for a solid 20-30 seconds. She gives me a dirty look.)
Maria (agitated): “What’s so funny?”
Me (now I’m just going to see how long I can keep her story up): “Nothing
really. So, why can’t you give me your number?”
Maria: “Well, when I got grounded, they took my cell phone and read
all my text messages. They had stuff about parties and drinking and stuff.
So, they took it away, so I don’t have a phone.”
Me (I’m having too much fun at this point.): “What about your
house? I’m sure I could call and pretended to be your cousin or something.”
Maria: “Well, see, umm (this looks real good when your telling a story),
they won’t even let me answer the phone anymore.”
Me (I want to see how long I can keep this going): “Don’t you
have a job or something where I could call you?”
Maria: “Well, see, yeah I did but they made me quit.”
Me: “I got to go to the bathroom right quick.”
I walk away laughing uncontrollably once out of earshot.
Just to show me up, a couple of days later, my friend Aussie got her number and got some action.
32,671 homeless men are jealous they can’t tell a story this good.