JOKES

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was I failed to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
- Lawrence Summers, chief economist the World
Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to the Third World.

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

* You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.
* You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
* You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
* You think hair tonic is Biblical.
* You find June Cleaver attractive.
* You believe Moses should have shaved.
* You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorrah, the day after they were nuked.
* You pronounce it "Bab-tist."
* You say "Gosh Darn."
* You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
* You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
* You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
* You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar.
* You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
* You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
* You know that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."
* You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row.
* You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
* You think that bar codes are demonic.
* You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan's Service.
* You found back-masking on Amy Grant's albums.
* You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
* You think Victoria's Secret is an Illuminati conspiracy.
* You know the writing on the Statue of Liberty's tablet was put there by a Mason, in an Illuminati conspiracy.
* You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
* You think movies are a tool of the devil.
* You think Pat Robertson was okay till he ran for president.
* Your idea of a happin' weekend is to attend an anti-Catholic seminar.
* You think the guy with the long hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.
* You think Jerry Falwell is liberal.
* You think Jesus is liberal.
* You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
* You call Israel "the Holy Land."
* You think a modem is a tool of the devil.
* You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments ...but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
* You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee-paint!"
* You say Amen more than once an hour.
* You pray so long your food gets cold.
* You argue Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
* You think Burt Reynolds was great in Smoky and the Bandit ...but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
* You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase... you'd get a tattoo, but they're tools of the devil.
* Your wife puts a scripture tract in your lunch.
* You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles.
* You know four Greek words for love and their different usages.
* You think Notre Dame football team are all secretly Jesuit priests in an Illuminati conspiracy.
* You name your children after the apostles.
* You become an Amway dealer to evangelize in disguise.
* You like being an Amway dealer.

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman with the most voluptuous set of...... lips he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you. "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree. "B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom. No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been l onging for all these months. You know..."She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."

"How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?"

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only to be used for company business."

"Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in raining people."

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

A couple just got married. and they were a lil' too poor to go on a honeymoon. So, they stayed at her family's house. well, the new bride and groom retire upstairs for the evening. They get up there and the man starts taking off his shirt. when, the new bride notices hair on his chest and just screamed from the top of her lungs and ran down stairs yelling "momma, momma he's up there taking off his shirt and he has hair on his chest" Momma replies " now honey, all men are supposed to have hair on his chest. Now, go back up there and do your wifely duties like I taught you" So she gets back up stairs and the bride and groom begin kissing. Just then she starts screaming again and runs back down stairs yelling "momma, momma we were up there kissing and he sticks his tongue in my mouth" Momma replies "honey, when you kiss a man that's how your supposed to kiss them. Now, get back up there and do your wifely duties like I taught you" Well, Again she gets back up there. When, the groom decides to take the rest of his clothes off. He begins to take his shoes off. and the new bride notices that he only has a half a foot on his left foot. Because, the other half got cut-off in some industrial accident. Well, She screams again and runs down stairs yelling "momma, momma he's up there taking off the rest of his clothes and he only has a foot and a half. Momma replies "honey, you stay down here. And, i'll go up and take care of this one".

Two dogs, a poodle and a great dane, were waiting in their cages at the vet's office. The poodle was very nervous and started a conversation with the great dane by saying, "Boy, did I screw up yesterday." His neighbour, being sympathetic, asked what happened. The poodle explained, "My owner is a very religious lady who recently became engaged to the choir director of her church. His family came over to meet me. I don't know what it was about his mother, but when she walked in I lost control and started humping her leg. I couldn't stop. They eventually got ahold of my collar, damn near choked me to death and then threw me in the back room, so now I'm here to be castrated." The great dane said, "I can understand your situation. My owner is an old spinster who never lets me go out. Yesterday she had just completed her shower and was bent over the tub cleaning it out when I walked by. When I saw her bare ass in the air, I lost control. I mounted the old bitch and rode her for all she was worth. I stayed on her until we both collapsed from exhaustion." The poodle then said, "so I guess you are here to be castrated also?" "No," said the great dane, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sortof intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the "Tickle-Me-Elmo" dolls." It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday and then explained she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. When the boss could control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said to give each doll two test tickles."

1. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
9. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
15. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Project Leader (keep reading)

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him. Regards -

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer. (That one was pretty bad!!!)

A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He goes up to the farmer and says"Excthuth me, can I have a look at your horth?" "Sure", says the farmer, "come on in". The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth". The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes. "Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth". Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming "Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth". The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is quite heavy. Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says "Her twat. Her twat, I want to see her twat!". The farmer, infuriated, pick up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's backside. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament. The dwarf wipes himself down and says " I think I better wephrase that, I'd like to thee her gallop!".

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back....we..we....uhhhhhh....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (Ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)

8. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9. This is your Captain speaking....these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the inflight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh shit..

12. Don't worry that one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

14. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...

15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

16. Hey why don't you tell the new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane...

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em.

4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!)

8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it,raise a ruckus.

9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)

11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can". (Amen)

14. Put Tabasco on everything.

15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.

17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!)

18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.

19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.

20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.

21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations...Offends the heck out of 'em.

23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."

24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd Known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

The huge nut tree by the fence of the town cemetery was always laden with the delicious stuff, but nobody ever picked them. Not until the day when two young boys went a-nut-picking that is. They filled up a bucketful of nuts and seated themselves comfortably by the root of the huge tree, safely out of sight from anybody outside the cemetery, and began the process of dividing the collection evenly amongst themselves. "One for you, one for me.... One for you, one for me..." went one of them as he divided the nuts one by one. The bucket was so full that as he pulled out a nut, several specimens would roll out towards the fence, but there were so many to go that the boys didn't mind. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was this young fella on his newly-acquired bike. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, and slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he did hear a voice "One for you, One for me.... One for you,....." but could not trace where it was coming from. Then suddenly, he realized what it was. "Oh my God!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!". "Quick, I must find someone else to listen to this, otherwise no one else would believe me.". So he cycled down the road a bit, and to his relief there was an old man with a walking stick, hobbling his way towards the town. "Sir, sir, come quickly please. " he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St.Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls. I heard them myself - come with me, I'll show you". "Shoo off ya young brat you! Ya know no end of ya silly practical jokes, you do." the man said. "Having the noive to ask me to walk back all the woi to the cemetery - Can't ya see I'm finding it difficult to walk as it is!. Now shoo off before I whack ya one with moi walking stick! Young folk my day treated elders with respect, you hear me, RESPECT!" However, after several belated pleas, the young fellow finally talked the old man into hobbling his way back to the cemetery, and sure enough, they heard the mysterious voice from somewhere inside, "One for you, one for me... One for you, one...." "Egad, laddie you's been speakin' the throot all thees toime." Whispered the old man. "Let's see if we can catch a glimpse of the Devil heemself." and shivering with fear, edged toward the cemetery fence along with the young lad. Peeking in from just outside the fence, they still couldn't see anything, but sure enough, still heard - "One for you, one for me.... One for you, one for me.... And one last one for you. There, that's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A. Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.)
A. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat.
A. This joke has been censored because it offends Yugoslavians, other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have no stated monetary or status value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-now group will also be upset because this joke encourages automobile use.

What do Yugos have in common with Ferarris?
- A Ferarri can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.
- A Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds.
Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferarri, if you give it a fast enough running start, so it clears the cliff's edge...

Q. How do you fix a broken Yugo?
A. 1) Lift off the radiator cap. 2) Push off cliff. 3) and drive brand- new one underneath radiator cap. (30-mile/3-day warranty included!)

A man entered an auto parts store...
Man: "I need a windshield wiper blade for a Yugo."
Clerk: "Well, only if you throw $20 into the trade."

I once bought a Yugo with a tow package. ...It was in the front.

Q. Why does a Yugo have rear a window defroster?
A. To keep your hands warm as you push it.

"The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night. The men are being held as suspects in the city's first push-by shooting."

Q. What comes with every Yugo User's Manual?
A. The bus schedule.

From the Yugo owner's manual: "If you sense an impending accident with any other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly
1) place head between legs,
2) lock hands behind head,
3) Repeat: "Our Father, who art in heaven..."

Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start blowing *real fast.*

Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause about $2800 damage to a Yugo. What's left? About $1200 of "dealer prep."

Q. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill?
A. A miracle!

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

And the funniest one of all times.....

Florida: A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F----UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f----up!"

Pro: You can have a fishing contest from the couch in your living room.
Con: Your couch doesn't float.

Pro: No better time to wash the siding of your house.
Con: Ring around the house.

Pro: Water skiing in the street.
Con: Stop signs and cars that are barely covered.

Pro: Sun tanning on the roof of your house is cool.
Con: Sleeping there stinks.

Pro: Washing dishes just got easier.
Con: All your food is underwater too.

Pro: You can practice your diving skills...
Con: ...until you hit that small awning over your back door.

Pro: You can finally reach those dead branches.
Con: Now you just have to find the tree trimmer.

Pro: You can finally slam dunk.
Con: You have to dive to the basket.

Aries:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus:
One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini:
Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo:
Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth

Libra:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius:
The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us,and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
Capricorn:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Aquarius:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces:
Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

English Sign in German Cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."

At a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist tells him to lie down and asks him what the problem seems to be.
The guy says: "Doc, I think I'm gay."
Psychiatrist: "Why do you think that?"
The guy says: "My father is gay."
Psychiatrist:"Well, just because he's gay doesn't mean that you're gay."
The guy says: "Yeah, but my brother and my cousins are gay."
Psychiatrist: "Really? How interesting! Well, tell me, isn't their anyone at all in your family that sleeps with women?"
The guy says: "Oh, sure."
Psychiatrist: "Well, who?"
The guys says: "My sisters."

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you S URE COULD USE SOME MORE MONEY! Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back?" (10 seconds)

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" start to sniffle and say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, "my sciatica is acting up," "my dog just died," describe your recent surgery... Continue talking about your problems over their sales pitch. (4 minutes)

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located, how do you spell that... (5 minutes)

4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!!" ( Assuming her name is Judy,) "Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" This will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. (1 minute)

5. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. (3 seconds if they know the Federal "3-No's" law, 2 minutes otherwise)

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?" (15 seconds)

7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?" (8 seconds)

8. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get back to the sales, just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. (6 minutes)

9. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather?" (2 minutes)

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! I know HOW YOU FEEL!" ( smiling, of course...) (1 minute)

11. When they ask for a specific person, get choked up, then tell them he/she just died and hang up sobbing. (12 seconds)

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital natal waiting room, while each of their wives were in labor. A nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, Mr. Johnson. You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." All the other men congratulate him. A second nurse walks in and tells the second man, "Mr. Walters! You are the father of triplets - Congratulations!" He, too, is cheered by the others. "Wow, what a coincidence" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation." Another nurse enters, telling the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets! "Another coincidence!" he explains to the others, "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." All excitedly congratulate him, except for the fourth guy, who suddenly becomes very stone faced. Another nurse enters the waiting room, "Mr. Phillips, you..." He jumps back against the wall, face turning white as a ghost, letting out a gasp of horror! The others quickly rush around him and ask what's wrong. "What's wrong? What's WRONG?!? *I* work for SEVEN-ELEVEN!"

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,...and......finds four Chinese men

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart to see how it works.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a, professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wear- ing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Cowboys called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask for directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... wedding cake.

This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with an "X" and says, "Here,if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The guy says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?" The guy says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

16 - We're working on that smell thing, too.
15 - Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14 - As seen on "COPS"
13 - If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
12 - Not just for nooners anymore.
11 - We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10 - You rented the room, now buy the video.
9 - Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
8 - We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
7 - Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try taking your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
6 - We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
5 - It's Hookerriffic!
4 - Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
3 - Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2 - Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother
and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
1 - We put the "Ho" in "Motel"

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "That must be painful.... had tennis elbow once........"

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

Are you feeling old? If not, consider this:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
Their world has always included AIDS.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audio tapes; they may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never actually seen(or heard) one.
The digital Disc was presented to Wall street when they were 1 year old.
From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
Few, if any, have lived without an answering machine.
Few have used a TV set with only 13 channels.
Some use the word "clickers" for "remote control", yet they do not know why they say it.
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.
You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
You remember LeFreak by Chic
In your sophomore class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the collar "up."
"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.
In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.
Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield, or Cyndi Lauper video.
You actually know who Rick Springfield is.
You're starting to believe that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon
Bo and Luke Duke.
There was nothing strange about Bert n' Ernie living together.
Knickers and leg warmers were cool
You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.
You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.
The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.
You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding
You know who shot J.R.
This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."
You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut
You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer.
You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.
You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.
You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German.
Feathered hair
Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized"packages of Bazooka gum.
The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

A man was crossing a road one day when a talking frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog pleaded, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. WHY won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog,
Leads me to deduce that you have a family.
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium II 686/233 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
9. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
10. <----------------The information went data way-----------
11. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud....... James Baud.
15. BUFFERS FILES 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied-nah nah na nah nah!
17. c:\ Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"?
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
31. 11th commandemnt - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Pentium II
32. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...
36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press <CTRL-<ALT-<DEL to continue...
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender-insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key... no, no, no! NOT THAT ONE!

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live andwork in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear" "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."