I blinked and thought about pinching myself. I thought about looking away and turning my back to them then turning back around to see if they were still there or if the girl was just a figment of my imagination and Taylor was just getting himself something to eat at the table. I tried to think of ways to prove to myself that what I had just witnessed had not actually happened and I had been daydreaming or hallucinating or?something.
The identity of this girl was unknown to me. Why she kissed Taylor was unknown to me as well. I wanted more than anything to know who she was and where she came from, what it was inside of her that was so very fascinating to Taylor that he had allowed them to exchange that sort of intimacy.
I imagined myself walking up to him and slapping him hard across the cheek, leaving a red swelling on his perfect skin, and then triumphantly turning away and exiting the tent. I craved victory and revenge for his kissing another girl regardless of whether or not I emanated possessiveness or selfishness. His beauty and the love I felt when I looked at him standing there made me want to steal him away like a bandit steals money and hide him in my pocket so the girl would never be able to look at him again; at the same time I wanted a bomb to blow beneath his feet and send him and his eyes and his voice and his hands far, far out into the stars where he would float in outer space without oxygen or life.
Outside the sun felt like fire against my skin. Yet its heat was so beautiful I wanted to lay on the grass and let it melt me away; maybe then I could feel something more powerful than the ache that tugged at my belly. Walking without any sense of direction, it took me a second to realize who was in front of me with a smile on his face, saying hello. I looked at him as if I didn't know him, because for a second I forgot who he was; when he began to speak I remembered and felt like crying all over again.
"Hey, flower chile. How's it going?" Isaac threw his arm over my shoulders and attempted to walk me to the tent but I didn't move. I couldn't; I stared at our shoes and bit my lip, hoping he wouldn't notice how salt water began to drip from my eye.
"Cal, are you ok?" Isaac asked, turning me towards his chest so we faced each other. He put his hands on my shoulders and brought his face to my eye level. "Come on, what happened?"
"I don't know," I answered. "Who is she?"
"Who is who?"
"The girl with, with the curly hair, that, that girl, she--" I shook my head as I spoke and it was then I cried and tried to hide from Isaac, running towards the bus, but he caught up with me and jumped in front of me before I could get very far.
"Andy? Are you talking about Andy?"
"God, how should I know? He kissed her, that's all I know and she has curly hair and she's gorgeous and I don't know why he kissed her but he did and I don't, I don't understand!" I cried. I was embarrassed by the fact that I was sobbing but I couldn't stop. Isaac brought me to him and rubbed his hands over my back, trying to console me. I felt the sun starting to melt me then, and the heat of Isaac's body also began to break me apart. His chest was firm like Taylor's and he must have been wearing Taylor's shirt because it had the same smell of Old Spice and marijuana I had grown to love so much.
"Who the fuck is Andy?" I wept into his sleeve.
Isaac softly hushed me and continued to wrap me in his arms. "That must be Andy, Callie. She's from here, Tulsa. They used to go together, but that was a really long time ago. I don't know about him kissing her-I don't think he would because he loves you like crazy, Callie, I know he does. He wouldn't fuck things up with you, I know that too because he's totally in love with you. I don't know what happened."
I pushed Isaac away then, my hands shoving him backwards with such force he knew I needed to get away. I walked crookedly towards the bus and found the door was locked. I leaned against the side and forced myself to stop crying. I wasn't that weak, I knew I wasn't. I was stronger than I had been with Isaac, stronger than I was leaning against that bus. While it seemed like the perfect time, my perfect opportunity to leave and get back to my life-it was now obvious I had been fooled by Taylor and it was obvious such glory had never existed-I did not have the strength I once believed was buried inside of me.
