| It was hard to remember things after I watched Callie slip out of the tent. I walked about the world feeling horribly dazed, feeling empty and languid. I smoked more weed than usual because under the influence of the drug I was able to somehow slip away a bit; I could sit and think, without really thinking about anything. My neck often felt too weak to carry my mind, which was brimming with guilt and regret. I never lived a minute without determining how easily I could have backed away from Andy, how easily I could still be able to look up and see her there looking back. I spent nights dwelling on my stupidity. There was no other word to describe my state of being than, simply put, stupid. I could have backed away from Andy, pushed her away when I saw her coming towards me, when I saw her eyes close and her hair swing down from behind her ears and brush my arm. The reason I didn't traveled beyond my comprehension. It wasn't that I couldn't or that it all happened too fast. Something about Andy's presence corresponding with mine once again hindered my ability to function and move, yet at the same time it felt so incredibly wrong, more wrong than I could ever describe in words, in song, or in any other way. Five days after the fact, Callie disappeared from me. Hiding and deliberately removing herself from within my view, she discovered numerous ways to avoid me. When I walked into rooms and felt her presence somewhere within my reach, a beautiful feeling swept over me, one that told me I could fly to her and see her and speak with her again. But that feeling shattered to pieces very quickly when I knew she had disappeared, ran away to avoid confrontation. I would have done the same had I not been so overwhelmed by the idea that we were gradually slipping apart. We had been coming to the end of a Meet and Greet when I felt her enter the room. It brought butterflies to my stomach thinking of how I could sense her even without seeing her and at the moment she walked in, my belly nearly exploded. As I felt her fade away, I ran after her. I dropped the papers I was holding and my sweater to the ground, pushing through the girls and the noise until I my eyes reached her hair slipping outside. I called to her twice but she didn't stop trying to get away. I realized however, that I had caught her because she didn't have anywhere to go without me being able to see her and I believe she knew it. She slowed her running to a fast paced walk across the parking lot. Heading towards the bus across the empty lot, the sun spewing its rays over her shoulders and between her legs, Callie and I seemed to move in slow motion. It took us a long time to cover very much ground it seemed perhaps because as I was noticing her beauty, I was noticing how she was running away from me at the same time and that in itself made time and all things slow almost to a complete stop. I finally reached her and I felt my fingers wrapping themselves around her arm. The sensation of touching her again was magical, so warm and serene. I felt intelligence. "Callie, please stop," I begged breathlessly. She turned to face me and I saw water collecting at her lashes. She looked out towards the sun and folded her lips inside. She was golden; her eyes emerald and her mouth pure sugar. "Please, let me talk with you. I need to explain to you. I know you saw--" "Saw you kiss her?" "Yes. And I know your mind is creating all these stories and situations and I need you to know that whatever you are thinking is wrong." She was silent, leaving a wordless echo to skin me alive. "Andy kissed me but do you know how absolutely wrong it felt? Do you know how I--" I choked on the swelling in my throat and swallowed hard. My eyes felt wet and my lips shook. "Do you know how I threw up after she kissed me? Look, look at my shoes, they're stained. Isn't that disgusting? That's how I felt, Callie, that is how I felt and--'' She looked away from me, down towards the ground and her hair fell around her cheeks. "I am so sorry, so sorry. Callie, I love you. I can't be without you, please?" I don't remember what else I poured to her with my tears, but I fell to my knees and leaned into her belly, clutching her hands to my face. Finally, she spoke. "I'm sorry, too." "Please Callie, I love you." "I'm so sad." "Me too." "Sad and sick, Taylor." "I know. I am too. So sick all over-there's something eating my stomach, Callie, I swear--" "I'm going home." "No. Don't go home. Please, Callie, I'm sorry. It was a mistake, I'm so sorry." "I can't live like this anymore." "But, no--" "I'll see you." With that, she tore herself from my grasp and floated towards the tour bus. As she moved away, I felt my hands being torn from body as if they were still clutching hers. I felt my blood pour to the pavement and my body felt nothing. My soul, my music and my being, set with the sun and slipped below the horizon line. My eyes followed Callie as she climbed the bus and was no longer visible, and I followed the violet clouds of night as they drifted across the sky. That night I hovered in the blackness for a while, sleeping until two after the show, and partying and drinking into the hours of the morning when I released the contents of my stomach into a hotel toilet. In my mind I whispered to Callie how I loved her. I prayed that she would hear me. |
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| but your taste still lingers on my lips like i just placed them upon yours and i starve for you. |