Tortallan_Humour_NSN

TORTALL

NUMAIR :

1. Pedophile! (sp?)
2. How dare you turn Tristan into a tree? Daine deserved to die!
3. Slap Daine in front of him. (I *think* you better start running)
~ Wildofre ~

ALANNA :

1. Girls cannot fight!
2. Ha! You are so bad at swordfighting that you should hope that you don't do anything more than just stab yourself in the foot when you fight.
3. Let's have a sword fight!
~ Wildofre ~

5) Red hair, purple eyes, talk about clashing !!
4) Small people are weak.
3) George is a theif and should be punished, HANG GEORGE !!
2) Jonathon, George, Liam, who next , Roger ??
And the biggest and worst...
1) Women are not up to the strain of being warriors. (Run away, FAR away !!)
~ Lady Lianna of Thunder Rock ~

THAYET :

1. Queens should be stuck at home, pining away and making kids!
~ Wildofre ~

DAINE :

1. (to be said to Daine) I would love to turn Cloud into boots, may I?
2. Oooh, Zek, would make a nice fur mittens!
~ Wildofre ~

5) People without Mothers or Fathers are EVIL !!!
4) Wildmages are creepy !!
3) Animals are for food only.
2) Daine is talking to a wolf. A person comes along carrying a gun. "Oh no!! It's a wolf!!" Person shoots,"Blam!" Person says, "All better !!"
1) Isn't Numair a cradle-robber ?? (Warning: Do not say this unless you are ready to have hundreds of animals kill you !!)
~ Lady Lianna of Thunder Rock ~

*NEW* EMELAN

1 Don't bother Rose thorn when she's working in her work shop.\
2 Don't bother Niko when he's in a bad mood.
3 Don't, under any surcumstances, tease Tris.
~ Adrienna ~

50 WAYS TO GET YOURSELF KILLED IN TORTALL
Written by Junipertree

To get killed by Numair…

50. Insist that Numair dyes his hair – it’s been gray as a mule since he was seventeen.

49. Do big dramatics in public about him being your betrothed back in Carthak.

48. Yell, "Well, you know what they say about tall men!" every time Numy walks by.

47. Dress up as Daine and dump him loudly in public, and before you leave kick him in the nuts.

To get killed by Jon…

46. Convince Kalasin that Jon is really her long-lost boyfriend and that to get him back she has to cut off his john.

45. Repeatedly tell him the joke about the nine-inch pianist.

44. Convince Roald to dump Shinko and elope with Lalasa to the Copper Isles.

43. Tell everyone you see that Queen Thayet is a man in drag, Jon’s a bi, and the royal children are actually Alanna’s.

42. Snore loudly whenever he starts talking.

41. Tell him you come from a country where women rule and men are their slaves, and that you intend to bring him home as your consort.

40. Yell "Oh, I just *love* that fuck you gave me last night – it was divine!" whenever you see Jon in public.

To get killed by Wyldon…

39. Repeatedly ask if you can kiss his ass.

38. Spread rumors that he is having an affair with the Queen.

37. Get him really drunk and dress him in drag, then make him perform at a burlesque house.

36. Insist that Dairy Queen *will* treat him right.

To get killed by Thayet…

35. Yell "Whoa, take a look at her boobs – they gotta be fake!" every time Thayet walks by.

34. Say you’re really Dusan zhir Anduo in disguise.

To get killed by Daine…

33. Mistreat any animal in any way – we’re talking frying ants with magnifying glasses, here.

32. Paint a target on your ass and bet that Daine couldn’t hit it.

31. Whine constantly about how gross age gaps are.

30. Grab her badger claw and yell, "Keep away!"

29. Whistle loudly every time Numair walks by and yell, "Lookin’ sexy!"

To get killed by Kel…

28. Tell her how much you love hazing.

27. Mention in her hearing that acrophobia is a sign of insanity.

26. Say "Omigod, Kel, there’s your crush!" loudly every time Joren walks by.

25. Shamelessly flirt with Neal.

24. Say, "Geez, I can see whay you think he’s so annoying" loudly every time Cleon walks by.

23. Every time Kel kisses somebody yell "Hey everybody, come join the party!"

To get killed by Ozorne…

22. Tell him you think he smells like dog crap.

21. Insist that he must get in touch with his "inner child".

20. Tell Ozorne you think gold paint clashes with his eyes.

To get killed by Joren…

19. Tell him endless rounds of blonde jokes.

18. Every time you see him yell, "Hey girlfriend, nice lipstick!"

To get killed by Raoul…

17. Spike the drinks at his cocktail party.

16. Spread rumors about Gary’s affair with Buri.

15. Spread rumors about Raoul’s affair with Kel.

14. Spread rumors about Raoul’s affair with Wyldon.

To get killed by Alanna…

13. Sing sappy love songs every time Alanna and George walk by together.

12. Grab her emberstone and yell, "keep away!"

11. Say "Liam was such a wuss" to her face.

10. Mention that you hate cats and every time you see one, you kick it.

9. Spread outrageous rumors about the lovechild of Alanna and Jon.

8. Tell her you are the reincarnation of Roger and Thom in one body, and constantly switch between two voices and twitch a lot.

7. Go into big detail about her affair with Jon.

6. Bet that you could kick her ass in fencing any day.

5. Don a mask of King Jonathan.

4. Repeat Joren’s comment about having to search through the slums of Corus for a husband to her face.

3. Kidnap George

2. Mention female inferiority in front of her.

And the number one way to get yourself killed in Tortall…

1. Raise Roger from the dead – again!