| ****************** Alanna and Thom are mad at their father because he wants Alanna to be a Lady and Thom to be a knight, when Alanna suggests that they switch places. Alanna: We do look alike... Thom: Oh, my gosh! We’re clowns! We’re both clowns! Alanna: What?!? Do you mean clones? We’re not clones, I’m a girl, you idiot! *Laughter from offstage* Thom (blushing): Well...just shut up, okay? ****************** Alanna and Thom are with Maude, looking into the fire. Suddenly, Alanna frowns because she sees something in the fire. A picture begins to form. Alanna leans closer to see it. Alanna: Maude! Maude! I see a sign! Maude: A sign? Goodness, child, what is it? Alanna: It says... ‘You...are a loser...’...Hey! I am like so insulted! *Maude begins to laugh, so Alanna steps on her foot really hard* ***************** Alanna and Coram are traveling to Corus when a wood snake slithers across Coram’s path and makes his horse buck. Coram: Aggghh! *Alanna stays on her horse, but gets out of the way* Coram: Help! Alanna: You can forget that! I am so not touching that icky snake-thing! Eww, I hate snakes! *Alanna makes her horse back away* Coram: What about me? Hey, wait! *Alanna sets horse to a run in opposite direction* Director: THIS is the girl who wants to be a knight? I quit! ************* Duke Gareth is explaining to Alanna about how she will become a knight. Duke Gareth: I lost this in the Chamber of the Ordeal. *Duke Gareth shows her a missing finger* Alanna: Okay, you can FORGET about me going in there! I like my fingers where they are, thank you very much. And ew, that’s really ugly. You’re a cripple! *Duke Gareth starts to cry* Duke Gareth: She...made...fun...*sob* of meeeeeeee! Whaaaaaaa!! *************** Duke Gareth holds out his hand for Alanna to kiss. *Alanna stares blankly at his hand* Alanna: Um... can I go? *Gareth shoves his hand in her face* Alanna: What? Your hand is really wrinkly. How old are you? *Coram is trying not to laugh* Gareth: Kiss my hand, you fool!! Alanna: I’ll pass. *Director is beating head against the wall* **************** Ralon and Alanna are fighting for the first time. Ralon tells her to address him as ‘Lord Ralon’. Alanna: I’d as soon kiss a pig! Is that what you’ve been doing-kissing pigs? Or being kissed? *Ralon throws her against the wall. Alanna charges and knocks into his stomach. He falls, hard, on top of her, and they crash through the floor* Alanna (weakly, voice coming up through the floor): Ow... Ralon: Who made this floor? I demand a lawyer! *Other pages start to laugh* Ralon: Hey! Help us out of here! Douglass: Let’s get out of here, men. *Other pages take off-all is quiet for a moment* Alanna: Hey! Help us! Hello? Hello?! *************** Alanna decides to leave the palace because she doesn’t like all the work and Coram is disappointed; he says that he didn’t think that SHE was a quitter. Coram: And now ye’re runnin’ away after just two days of it Alanna: I’m not running away! *Coram gives her a night to think about it* The next morning... Alanna: New plan, Coram! We’re going to Vegas! Coram: Sounds like a plan! *Coram and Alanna leave the set, Director chases after them* **************** Gary and Alanna meet George for the first time, and Gary isn’t sure that he trusts George. George: You’ve still got your purse, and what’s in it. Or you had better. *Gary looks around for his purse* Gary: Where is it? *Alanna tries not to laugh* George: What?!?! *Gary and George frantically looks around for it* Gary: You thief! *Alanna bursts out laughing and throws the purse at Gary* Director: I’m gonna kill you myself, Alanna! ************** Alanna and Myles are in the ruins of Olau. Alanna finds the armory and sees a handle in the wall, which she goes to a tugs. Alanna: Hey, look at this, Myles! *Gripping the handle harder, Alanna opens a door. She goes in and sees a sword on the floor, its tip buried into the ground* Myles: Alanna, what are you doing?!? *Alanna grabs the hilt and pulls, the blade of the sword comes off from the hilt, which makes Alanna stumble and fall* Myles: Hey, the blade broke off! Alanna: Somehow, that really felt like that was a sign foretelling my future... ************** Alanna and Geoffrey are practicing swordfighting for Duke Gareth and Captain Sklaw, after Alanna has worked to become good with the sword. Sklaw: Begin! *Alanna and Geoffrey attack each other with their swords, Alanna dodging and attacking well. Suddenly, Geoffrey lunges to far and knocks her down* Geoffrey: Gosh, I’m sorry, Alan. Are you okay? *Alanna clutches her stomach, where a pool of blood is forming, Geoffrey’s sword is sticking out of her stomach* Alanna: Ooww... Duke Gareth: Is that blood? Whoow, I feel woozy... *Duke Gareth faints, so does Alanna* Director: Um...call 911! *************** Ralon and Alanna are fighting after Alanna has worked hard to get better so she can beat him. Alanna: Give up? *Ralon and Alanna fight for a little while longer, and finally Alanna makes him cry* Ralon: Mommy! I wwaaannnt myyy Mommyyyyyy!!! Whaaaaaaaaaa!!! Director: Ha ha, Ralon, get up now. Ralon: Mommy! I want my mommy! Alanna: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You know, this seems familiar too, in a different sort of way... **************** Jonathan is really sick with the Sweating Fever and Alanna is finally brave enough to help. She sits on his bed and puts one of her hands on his forehead, then on his wrist. Alanna: Umm.... Duke Baird: What’s wrong, Alan? Do you not know what to do? I didn’t think you- Alanna: It’s not that...is he really supposed to not have a pulse? Duke Baird: WHAT?!?! Alanna: And, ahm, he’s not breathing. Is he supposed to not be breathing? Director: WHAT?!?! Roger (offstage): Yes! YES YES YES! I mean-um, that’s too bad! **************** Alanna and Ali Mukhtab are left alone for a moment when Myles leaves. Ali Mukhtab: You are not comfortable in this setting. *Suddenly, Alanna bursts out laughing* Ali Mukhtab: What? Alanna: Your accent is so funny! And so is your name! Ali Mukhtab: What?! I have never been so insulted! *Ali stands up and turns his back to her, nose up in the air, Alanna rolls off her chair and hits the floor, hysterical with laughter* Director: Someone get her out of there! **************** George is showing Alanna Moonlight (her future horse) for the first time. Alanna: George, she’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen. Jon: I don’t know...she’s kind of fat. *Suddenly, the mare lashes out and kicks Jon in the stomach* Alanna: She’s perfect, just like I said! I’ll take her, George! George and Alanna laugh, Jon, lying on the floor, moans in pain* Jon (wheezing): Help... *Alanna leads the mare out of her stall, and Moonlight kicks Jon as they walk past* *************** The Ysandir make Alanna’s clothes disappear. Ylanda: Young lion-see your companion for what she really is! Jon: She? *The Ysandir laugh and Alanna’s not wearing anything-she blushes* Jon: Woo! You’re hot! Alanna: You pervert! *Alanna hits Jon with her sword on his head, making him black out* Alanna: Um...maybe I’ll just go get some clothes on now...hee hee hee... *Alanna runs offstage* ***************** Jonathan asks Alanna which squire he should pick. *Alanna is silent for a long time* Alanna: You should pick....the muffin man! Jon: The muffin man? Alanna: The muffin man! Jon (sarcastically):...Who lives on Drury Lane? Alanna: Yeah! *Alanna laughs hysterically, Jon gives her a funny look* Alanna: I’m sorry...let’s try again. Jon: Why did I take this job? Why? **************** (Same as above) *Alanna is silent for a long time* Alanna: You should pick....Barney! *Alanna laughs again, so hard she can’t breathe, Jon looks blank* Jon: Who the %$^&*() is Barney? Director: AAAGGGHHH!!! Alanna! ************** (Same as above) *Alanna is silent for a long time* Alanna: You should pick.....your momma! Jon: What?! You’ll pay for that, Alanna! *Jon chases a laughing Alanna offstage* Director: Like, sigh. *************** |