Don’t Do What Woody Does…

 

Let me start by saying that I, in absolutely no way, condone the practice of drinking & driving.  It’s a stupid thing to do, and will only result in loss of money, freedom, and perhaps even life.  Having said that… The following thoughts and observations were made by me after being arrested for drunk driving in Niagara County, in the state of New York on or about July 4th, 2001.

 

THE LAW

When I stepped out of the bar I felt pretty good about myself.  My dart team had just clinched first-place for the summer season, I had spent a few hours celebrating with the boys, and it was the start of the Fourth of July holiday.  Yup, I was feelin fine.  I didn’t know it, but my luck was about to change from good to completely shitty in almost no time at all.  I was approximately 100 yards from the bar when the red lights came on (for my MA buddies - cops use red lights in NY).  Now let’s get one thing straight… I was lit!  I mean I was rolling-on-the-ground, which-way-is-up, fall-down-and-laugh drunk!  I knew that I was busted.  I mean cops are hired on the premise that they don’t score too high on the intelligence test (this is a fact, smart cops are frowned upon.  It seems that if you’re too smart, you’ll realize that being a cop is a stupid way to make a living, and you’ll quit.  Imagine that!?), but you didn’t have to be a genius to see [and smell] my drunken-stupor-ness.  Anyway, I was in a cell no more than an hour after that.  Now here are some things that you may find helpful if you’re ever in a similar situation.  I’ve indicated what my mistakes were, and what you should actually do or say… Let’s take a look.

 

[Cops] – Have you been drinking?

[Me] – ughn, brul, fsstp…

[Correct response] – No officer, not a drop.  Never say “yes, but only two beers”.  That’s what everyone says, and the not-too-smart cops finally got wise to what it really means.

 

[Cops] – Stand with your feet at shoulder’s distance, extend both arms out at your sides, tilt your head back, close your eyes, and touch the tip of your nose with your right pointer finger… now the left…

[Me] – Are you fuckin kidding?

[Correct response] – I have an inner ear infection that’s affecting my balance, so if I fall or miss my nose, that’s why.  See this is good because they can’t prove that you don’t, and it’s now on record, so in court your lawyer can use it to get you off.

 

[Cops] – If I search your car, am I going to find anything illegal?  Is there anything you want to tell me?

[Me] – ugh, what? (Which, if you read the police report, the cop interpreted as meaning “Yes!”.  Those lying sacks of shit).

[Correct response] – TRICK QUESTION!!  Whether you answer yes or no, you’re giving the cop implied verbal consent to search your vehicle without a warrant.  Unless a cop has a warrant, or unless you’ve got something illegal in plain sight, the cop cannot legally search your car.  You answer “I do not give you permission to search my vehicle”.  If they do anyway, your lawyer may be able to get your case thrown out.  At the very least, whatever they find can’t be used against you.  Go to the hightimes web site, and lookup the NORML page.  It contains detailed information on what to do if you’re pulled over for anything.

 

REALITY

All that being said, we all know that cops lie.  They lie about anything and everything, from what happened on a particular arrest scene, to their penis size (we all know that cops have no dicks anyway).  They also backup each other’s lies.  So aside from not being very bright, they’re all filthy liars.  The reality is that most cops don’t give a shit about your rights, or the legalities of search and seizures.  They have a quota of arrests to fill, and that’s what they care about.  They know that in the eyes of the court, they are the protectors of law and order, and you’re a lawbreaking piece of shit.  So you may indeed not give them permission to search your car, but by the time it gets to court, you’re on record as having begged them to do it.  This is life I’m sorry to say.  Here’s a little “Dennis Miller” style rant to close this out…

 

The problem with the legal system today isn’t its lack of funding, or of qualified personnel, or even the growing crime problem in this country (Actually, violent crime has dropped every year for the past 10 years).  In fact these are all only symptoms of the real problem, which is…  All cops, lawyers, and judges suck ass.  Cops are hired based on criteria that would leave a lot to be desired if you were interviewing for a bagboy position at the local market, never mind a cop.  We hire small-minded, Napoleon-complexed, always the one getting beat up at recess, pathetic super-hero want-to-be’s.  We challenge them with intelligence tests provided by the academy, not to verify that they’re smart enough to be a cop, just the opposite.  We want to make sure that they’re no better than the 50 percentile, because anyone smarter than that would quit.  Then we put a gun in their holster, rev them up about what absolute criminals we all are, and set them loose.  Lawyers are the lowest common denominator period, end of story.  If the money is right, they’ll get any psychopathic, child-molesting, date-raping, charity stealing, piece of shit off of the charges.  Knowing full well that some lowlife is guilty, and getting them off on some fucked up technicality is their stock in trade.  Even worse, they lie so well that they convince themselves that they are providing a valuable service!  Believe it or not, they actually think that they’re helping people!  Let me ask you, if everyone is entitled to qualified legal counsel, why do the “good” lawyers charge so much for their services that only the richest percentage of the population could possibly afford to pay them (O.J. Simpson ring a bell?), while us everyday Joe 6-packs get the inept moron who coasted his or her way through the Tijuana Esquela de Law, and now takes up space at the public defenders office?!?  Legal counsel should be free of charge, then we’d see how many of those humanitarians stay in the profession.  Finally, judges are nothing more than lawyers that graduate.  They are on the ultimate power trip, with absolutely no one to stop them.  Egos running wild.  In my particular case, the judge makes his decisions regarding sentencing on a whim.  If you suck up just enough, you’ll get a lighter sentence.  I watched a convicted drug dealer walk free as a bird, just before I (public enemy number 1,000,000) got 30 days in the pokey.  The judge didn’t like me, and so he whipped up the strongest sentence possible.  I looked it up.  I would have gotten a lesser sentence if I had left the bar, beat up and robbed somebody, and got caught buying a hooker with the stolen loot.  Simply stated, our legal system is FUBAR, and getting worse everyday.  As far as DUI arrests go, it’s nothing but a money-making machine for the town, county, and state.  The court has no interest in fair sentencing, or in rehabilitating alcoholics.  Their only interest is in the money you will have to pay to get your life back to normal afterwards.  You pay the lawyer, the court fines, the DMV, the probation dept., whatever alcohol treatment you’re forced to attend, the V/W panel, and any other agency that can get it’s greedy paws on you.  I think, at least in the state of NY, they’re depending on revenue from DUI’s to keep the state and local government running.  They should just demystify the whole process by simply telling you how much, and to whom to make out the check.

 

And now to avoid any nasty legal issues, I’ll close by saying, “…But, that’s just my opinion…”.

 

-Woody