Legal Buds – Ripping people off for over ten years

I wasn’t really surprised when I caught wind of the phenomenon of Hydro-Buds, advertised on the back cover of High Times magazine for over a decade, and recently re-popularized by our earthy-crunchy, “better living through herbal extracts” society. I was, however, surprised by the total dishonesty and bullshit sales tactics of the main supplier of this absolutely useless and dried-up blend of sticks and leaves, Herbal Ecstasy.CC. First of all, the ad for the product shows a big bag of juicy buds, that look exactly like marijuana, and claims that it is an “ultra chronic” hybrid blend of “lettuce opium”, “coltfoot”, and “Cheshteya”… a rare and potent Amazonian herb… Ok, first of all, lets examine the description (I’m not even going to talk about how small the actual product is as compared to the huge bag shown in the ad, that just added insult to injury). “Ultra chronic”… what the fuck does that mean? According to Webster, ultra means “extreme”, and chronic means “marked by long duration or frequent recurrence”. So Hydro-Buds are an extreme long duration or frequent recurrence, which translated from advertising bullshit to English, means exactly nothing. They claim the blend is made from a hybrid of the herbs mentioned above… How exactly do you get these different plants to mate with each other and produce a hybrid offspring? I’ll bet the botanists, as well as the rest of the scientific community are pretty impressed with that little feat of magic. We’ll overlook this obvious lie and assume that, somehow, it is a hybrid blend. Let’s talk a little about the herbs themselves. Lettuce opium is an extract made from the sap of wild lettuce plants, not an herb at all. While lettuce opium is known to produce an effect similar to that of real poppy opium, it has a tiny fraction of the potency of opium, and you’d have to consume pounds of it to feel anything. Coltfoot is an herb that has been used for years by Native Americans and other like cultures to cure coughs and bronchitis (I guess that’s where the term “chronic” came from, huh guys?). It has no psycho-active properties, and no matter how much you ingest, you won’t get high. It may clear out your sinuses, but no buzz. And finally, my favorite ingredient, rare and potent cheshteya. It’s amazing, but an exhaustive Internet search for this herb produced only web sites that sell Hydro-Buds. Other than these sites, no one, anywhere, including the mysterious Amazonian natives has any idea what this plant is, or if it even exists beyond the imagination of the Hydro-Bud marketing and advertising teams. Other “flavors” of the legal buds include “Grass”, “Indakind”, “Skunk”, and “Chill Smoke”. Obviously taking name recognition from well-known varieties of weed, while offering none of the benefits. Ingredients vary from hops to catnip, to the rare cheshteya, but the results of smoking any of them are the same… headache, bad taste in mouth, and no high. Here are some additional specs on the product:

ü Advertised weight – ½ ounce… Actual weight – 1/8 ounce (they sell you useless shit, and then short you on the bag!!! Un-fuckin-believable.)

ü Consistency as advertised – moist large buds… Actual consistency – sticks and leaves dried to a fine dust-like powder.

ü Advertised flavor – “Sweet Skunk taste”… Actual flavor – something like oregano mixed with cloves and horseshit, only a little more disgusting.

All in all, if you’re going to get high, you’re better off smoking pot. At least you know what’s in it, and what it will do to you. The makers of these products should be arrested for false advertisement and fraud, and their secret fields of hybrid shit should be burned to make way for something more useful… like an empty lot. High Times should be ashamed for advertising this product, which is obviously targeting youngsters who are too stupid to know better, and too desperate for a high to care. As always, and to the dismay of the Herbal Ecstasy legal dept., this is just my opinion, and should not in any way be confused with slander or libel against anyone. I just hate lying sacks of shit who live off of the ignorance of others. If you’d like to harass, complain, or just check out a ton of bullshit do-nothing products….

e-mail to: herbxtc@yahoo.com

web site: http://www.ecstacy-stuff.com/index.html.

-Woody