Most of the 'organised' religions (i.e. those with some sort of hierarchy) are based on a form of primeval politics - 'vote for me for jam tomorrow'. -1-
(You won't be able to sue me for misrepresentation in advertising later if there isn't any jam because Hell has no courts of law.) We need to know how to get the jam today so we can save it until it is needed. To solve this problem you must answer all the questions. Advice for competitors follows the questions.
1 It was once thought that there might be something in psionics - particularly telepathy. Now, regretfully, the evidence is so thin that it can no longer be logically defended. How then do the believers in GOD make a two-way contact - without a phone, or radio, or laser, or gravitic modulator, or supernova generator, or whatever?
2 Is there a gene which enables specialised brain cells to trigger off and detect bursts of ether disturbances, which is present in man (and feminists) but not in dogs, cats and apes?
3 Would an EEG (or some other instrument) show that prayer transmission and reception of answered prayers is taking place?
4 Have any objective tests been made on people who are praying?
5 Can something like a radio aerial be produced which will detect the transmission of prayers or answers?
6 If GOD is in the Universe, does SHE stay at the centre (n-billion light years away), or does SHE tour around?
7 If souls are beamed up to heaven, can they be beamed down again?
8 Does SHE spread HERSELF out like the Ether? -2-
9 Did Einstein say whether the speed of prayer is faster or slower than the speed of light? -3-
10 Do souls travel to heaven at the same speed as prayers?
11 Has SHE ever told any human anything that was not already known by humans at the time?.
12 Has HE got prayer relay offices in each galaxy and star system? -4-
13 How does HE come to a decision when two or more lots of prayers are in conflict?
14 Are simultaneously arriving prayers sorted according to a priority system?
15 If the answer to 14 is yes, do priests, mullahs and fakirs get preference?
16 If prayers are effective in a short period, it must be concluded that they and their answers do travel faster than light. If this is so, can some way be found to use prayers for ungodly interstellar communications?
17 Does HE have conferences with Satan to arbitrate as to who goes to heaven and who goes to hell, or does Satan just get his rejects?
18 What sort of accommodation is offered to undecided cases?
19 If SHE made woman after HER own image, did SHE look like Rift Valley Lucy, Miss Australopithecus or Joan Collins?
20 Did HE look like Horus or Kali or Quark?
21 Does SHE call in extra staff to deal with the extra prayer-load on Fridays (Moslems), Saturdays (Jews), and Sundays (Christians)? -5- and -6-
22 When SHE set off the Big Bang, did SHE blow HERSELF up at the same time? -7-
23 Did HIS mummy say: "Stop playing with fireworks, you might hurt yourself!"?
24 Did HE think: "Oh that was a jolly good bang, I think I'll knock off for a tea-break now?"
25 Will HE wait for the Big Crunch before HE writes up HIS experiment?
26 Which periodical publishes such experimental results?
27 Did SHE set up a business on a planet like Magarathea, or has SHE gone on holiday?
28 If HE has gone on holiday (as seems to be the case), where is the resort?
29 Is HE busy making up parallel universes as fast as people make decisions? -8-
30 How long did it take HER to work out the laws of physics?
31 If the laws of physics are incomplete, Is HE still working on them?
32 Does she meet up with Amon-Re, Baal, Ch'ang-o, Dionysus, Eros, Frey, Gaia, Hepat, Ishtar, Janus, Kukulcan, Lakshmi, Mithras, Neptune, Osiris, Pan, Quetzalcoatl, Rhea, Shiva, Thor, Uranus, Venus, Wotan, Xolotl, Yahweh, Zeus, & Co. from time to time? (This is just an alphabetical selection of the Gods available.)
33 If not, is SHE alone in the Universe with no-one to talk to or play chess with?
34 Is SHE fed up with whingeing humans by now? -9-
35 Do the angels serve the drinks at heavenly parties? -10-
36 Do the saints go marching in or do they dance like everyone else?
37 What does heavenly soul music sound like?
38 Does HE have to keep excusing himself from the festivities in order to answer prayers?
39 Is there an Alternative Programme?
40 Is Heaven arranged so that you can do what you like doing here - or are you re-programmed to like what you find when you get there?
41 If heaven is a big party, and you are invited, what sort of present would you take to someone who has already got a universe?
42 This is not a question, but the answer to Life, The Universe and Everything.
Advice for Competitors
Many of the questions relate in some way to religion. The following facts may help you find some of the asnswers to the questions. The Universe has been in existence for around 14,000,000,000 years. The Earth has been in existence for around 4,500,000,000 years. The oldest records which can give any sort of date to the start any organised religion give a start date at around 12,000 years ago. These figures become more comprehensible if each year is equated with one millimetre
On this basis, the start of the Universe is 14,000 kilometres away, the start of the Earth is 4,500 kilometres away, and the start of the earliest religion is 12 metres away. A typical car will do 14,000 kilometres in a year. The nearest parking space is usually not more than 12 metres away. Please supply the distance to your religion's parking space.
If you know the answers to all of the questions, contact B. Yeltsin, The Krumbling, Moscow. There is a vacancy for a solver of insoluble problems.
If you know the answers to most of the questions, contact B. Clinton, The Pentacle, Washington. A guide is needed for a soul-searching expedition and a way to stop Republicans wasting millions of dollars investigating his sex life .
If you can answer some of the above questions, apply to the E.E.C., Brussels for a Golden Euro. -11-
If you can answer questions 30 & 31, you should help Prof. S. Hawking to write his new book: 'A Long, Broad, Big, Wide, Extended, Enlarged, Elephantine, Enormous, Gigantic, Humungus Mega History of Time.'
If you know someone who knows the answers to the questions, contact Mr. S. Rush-to-die (GB) Ltd. for advice on how to hide from such people.
If you think that this competition is a con, you have obviously not been to any fanzines.
This competition is not open to employees or representatives of: The Universal Being No. 40 (UB40), Mephistopheles, Satan Inc. (MS Inc). or the Soddem Hussein Instant Terror Service. (!!!!!)
Hypertext Footnote 1.
This includes 'Heaven', 'The Land of Milk and Honey' and 'Eternal Life', and a way of avoiding: 'Damnation', 'Purgatory', 'Hell', 'Eternal Night', 'M. Thatcher' etc.
Hypertext Footnote 2..
The Ether is incredibly thin. Is it thicker, thinner, or as thin as vacuum?
Hypertext Footnote 3.
If prayers and answers travel at the speed of light, and HE had offices at nearby Apha Centauri, it would take about 8.6 years for a prayer to be answered. (This does not include any delays caused by bureaucratic angels.)
Hypertext Footnote 4.
Other possible local office sites (approx. prayer answering years in brackets) include - Sirius (17), Procyon (23), Altair (33), Fomalhaut (46), Vega (53), Pollux (70), Arcturus (72), and Capella (91).) An office any further out would be too far away to provide a service within a human lifetime.
Hypertext Footnote 5.
HIS working week may be based on a planet which has a different orbital period to Earth.
Hypertext Footnote 6.
It is assumed that SHE she is rich enough to own a prayer answering machine. (or two)
Hypertext Footnote 7.
It was pretty big, wasn't it?
Hypertext Footnote 8.
If you do not understand this, maybe you should decide not to enter this competition.
Hypertext Footnote 9.
If you think that the answer is no, ask yourself why she has not heard of William Hague?
Hypertext Footnote 10.
Planetary volumes of ethyl alcohol have been discovered in space.
Hypertext Footnote 11.
All Golden Euro holders must go on a quest to find the answer to the Common Agricultural Policy
(This is much harder to do.)
(Questors are warned that they may be showered in Euros when they encounter the C.A.P).
Copyright (C) W. H. James 1/11/1985 Revised 15/5/91 & 30/11/98 (2689 words) .
Wilf James,106 Jarden, Letchworth, Herts. SG6 2NZ, UK. E-mail wilf.james@net.ntl.com..
Go to Next: The Visit Go to Previous: On Sentry Duty