In the Voter Booth

So I’ve stayed out of this subject just long enough and I really thought I was going to make it past the presidential election without mentioning a single political word. I always lose when it comes to self-control. OK, the election. Am I voting? Unfortunately not because I am not yet an official resident of Louisiana and I definitely do not have an absentee ballot from the state of Virginia…so here I am, stuck watching thousands of political smear commercials run across my TV and not having any final say in the matter. Please forward my apologies to MTV and Channel 1. Here’s my vote:

The scoop in Louisiana (my current residence) is an interesting one. The last presidential election saw Perot get 19 percent of the Louisiana vote, giving Clinton the state (so much for that stereotype concerning the lack of intelligence of southerners). This election sees what would amount to a crumb of a table crumb in Louisiana for Buchanan and a crumb of that crumb for Nader. So where is it all going? Bush. Everywhere I drive here I am confronted with a Bush bumper sticker, a Bush sign post, a Bush-land (so much for that stereotype concerning the lack of intelligence of southerners). Frankly, this man scares me.

I am proud to say that I have watched every single presidential debate (even the VP one, very boring). Bush just strikes the wrong cord with me, the non-presidential one, with all of his smirks and whiny facial expressions. I have no trouble imagining him making the stupidest and lamest of jokes to some foreign dignitary and sparking a foreign affairs crisis. Come on folks, the man just shows the minutest amount of strength any time I see him in a forum that is spontaneous. Yes, on the stump he sounds great, but heaven forbid he has to make something up. I think that 50 percent of the debates were taken up by the incomplete sentences stammering from his lips. Just look at Clinton: if you are not good under pressure, you are not going to be able to handle this job.

Nader. Get a grip. This guy is in existence based on the conspiracy fear inherent to American culture of big business actually controlling the government for years. Hello. We all know that this is the way it is already. It works fine. Look at the economy. Why elect this ugly, ugly man into office who has no qualifications whatsoever. And realistically, he is only running at this point to achieve his 5 percent vote for next election campaign support. All Nader supporters are going to wake up in a pool of their own piss when they find Bush as President Wednesday morning.

Now Gore. Yes, the man is a robot. And when your social life is as exciting as mine, you find the jokes on Conan O’Brien’s show much more entertaining when they have to do with Gore. Point 1. In debates, when finally unleashed and even when leashed, the man was a pit bull. He interrupts everybody. Point 2. He has no manners in the ring, and is only interested in hearing himself talk. Point 3. Can there be a better candidate? So what he is linked with Clinton. Clinton may be a horrible family man and yes, Hillary is going to run for the hills very soon, but look at the objective stature of our country right now. Not the moral stature, let’s leave that up to mom, dad, schools, churches, friends and family, and all those dirty musicians and movie makers …not Bush, Gore or any other politician.

What do I know? Nothing. I am a political fool. All I know is that Bush is funny to laugh at but scary. Gore is funny to laugh at but not scary. Nader, I just laugh at. I only wish that Harrison Ford would run, he did a great job in the movies. Time to exit the voter booth.