JACK: The most amazing thing is happening in my apartment right now.
WILL: Somebody actually stayed till the morning?

JACK: My son Elliot is on the phone asking a girl out for the very first time ever.
GRACE: Ohh...someone's a proud papa.
JACK: Oh, I remember the first time I asked a girl out. Well, not a girl so much as my cousin Robert.
WILL: I remember calling girls for dates. I was so nervous, you know, that they might... say yes.

WILL: Just make sure you do something fun with him that night. Like when I'd stay home from a dance, my mom and I would bake ginger snaps and watch "Little House on the Prairie." God, I was so gay.

JACK: Mm. tsk tsk. I remember that story. Will and I read it in your diary.
GRACE: You read my diary?
WILL: Hey, I just showed him where it was. He picked the lock with his bobby pin.

WILL: Karen, I can't take this, knowing that somewhere a traffic cop is gonna go unbribed. Look... I'm a lawyer, which means that unlike you, I have passed a bar. My job, essentially, is--
KAREN: Honey. Honey, I often ask a lot of people on my staff to do different things. Cook sometimes cleans. Cleaner sometimes cooks. Driver sometimes provides an alibi. We all pitch in!

WILL: What happened? Did your cable go out? Did you lose the stick you use to poke bears at the zoo?
KAREN: No, honey, it's right here.

JACK: It's so fes-tive. The crèpe paper and the punch bowl. Boys and girls dancing together. A little hard to get my mind around that last one, but I guess times have changed.

GRACE: Elliot is here with me. Don't you want to teach your son to honor his commitments?
JACK: Yes, I do, unless someone hotter and younger comes along.

GRACE: I'd like to tell you the story of a plucky young girl who went through the hell of adolescence, came out the other side stronger, self-possessed, with a damn good head of hair, if I do say so myself.
GIRL: Felicity?
GRACE: No, you weirdo! Me!

KAREN: There are two men from the FBI here. Well... one man and a mannish woman.

JACK: What's the big deal, Elliot? Just ask her to dance.
ELLIOT: I don't want to, ok? She's not my date.
JACK: So you didn't make the kill. That doesn't mean you can't feed on the carcass.

CONNIE: I had a dream about you last night. We were on the beach, and you weren't wearing a shirt. Oh, my god, I can't believe I told you that. I'm so embarrassed.
WILL: Connie, you don't have to be embarrassed.
CONNIE: I was breast-feeding you.
WILL: That's embarrassing.

KAREN: Oh, for God's sake, put your pants on. You're my lawyer, not my dentist!

NANCY: How did he learn to do that?
ELLIOT: I don't know. Maybe 'cause he's gay.
NANCY: He is? One of my moms is gay.
ELLIOT: Really?
NANCY: Yeah, but she's not a good dancer. She built our house, though.

JACK: There's my boy. Dancing with a girl.
GRACE: You want to dance with a girl?
JACK: Sure. Do you?