He says ,"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!". As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell that it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says,"That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes,Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50 ."
1974: The perfect high
1974: KEG
1974: Acid rock
1974: Moving to California because it's cool
1974: Growing pot
1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1974: Seeds and stems
1974: Killer weed
1974: Hoping for a BMW
1974: The Grateful Dead
1974: Going to a new, hip joint
1974: Rolling Stones
1974: Being called into the principal's office
1974: Screw the system
1974: Disco
1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
1974: Passing the drivers' test
1974: Whatever
Test No. 2
Test No. 3
Test No. 4
I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happened within twenty miles of of home. So we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the next.
The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue, said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on grandma's funeral, up she comes.
About your sister: she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out wheather it's a boy or a girl so I don' t know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell into the Whiskey Vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off so he drowned. We creamated him, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up.
One was driving, the other two were riding in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much news this time, nothing much has happened.
Love, MOM
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden
fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).
A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and was He
ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked?
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has
never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have
persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't
taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children,
what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Thoughts about children:
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children."
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like cleaning the
driveway before it has stopped snowing.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.
But, above all else, remember to be nice to your kids. They'll choose your
nursing home!
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
sissy."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Crap! a
talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
"What do you mean?" asked the pirate.
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball
hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had
both hands."
"We were in another battle, and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a
sword fight, and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook,
and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you
were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I
looked up, and one of them doo dooed in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't have lost an eye
just from some bird doo doo!"
"It was my first day with the hook."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it said...
It's 5:00 am. Wake up.
After lying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broke"
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what
street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to
what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my
own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going
to sit here all the way to New York."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the
captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the
woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies,
"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the
way to New York."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the
cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can
take care of the problem.
He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot,
and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight
attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the
co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't
going to New York."
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one
about wherethe skin came from, and requested that the doctor
also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she
ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on
and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was
overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I
just want to thank you foreverything you did for me. There
is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all
the thanksI need every time I see your mother kiss you on
the cheek.
Word: When you rearrange the letters
Dormitory: Dirty Room
And for the grand finale:
"This is a nice place, I've never been here" the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies"It's also a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original
Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there fourth from
the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window.
If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches
you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over
to the window followed closely by the first man. He opens the
window climbs over the sill and falls out.
He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet comes to a stop and WHOOSH!
He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See,
it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again," and with that, he falls
out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet,
comes to a stop and WHOOSH!
He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the hell, I'll give it a try" the first man says
and proceeds to fall out the window.
He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet
and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk. After
watching the first man fall to his death the other guy casually
closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says "You know Superman,
you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?" asked Ethel.
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
Ethel inquired further, "Well, who's in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
Ethel finally asked, "Could I borrow your dog?"
The woman replied, "Get in line."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your Honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
---------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
---------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
---------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year....... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and
I haven't heard back. Guess I won that stupid argument."
2004: Longing for hair
2004: The perfect high yield mutual fund
2004: EKG
2004: Acid reflux
2004: Moving to California because it's warm
2004: Growing pot belly
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Roughage
2004: Weed killer
2004: Hoping for a BM
2004: Dr. Kevorkian
2004: Receiving a new hip joint
2004: Kidney Stones
2004: Calling the principal's office
2004: Upgrade the system
2004: Costco
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
2004: Passing the vision test
2004: Depends
James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledgehammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 64 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed,
"This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you.
What did you think I said?"
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust"
MR DUCKS
MR KNOT
SAR
CM WANGS
LIB
MR DUCKS
MR SNAKES
MR KNOT
SAR
CM BDIS
LIB
MR SNAKES
MR FARMERS
MR KNOT
SAR
CMMT POCKETS
LIB
MR FARMERS
MR MICE
MR KNOT
SAR
CMEDBD FEET
LIB
MR MICE
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you
have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved
tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for
lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that
stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when
they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want
Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual
Favors"
7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The
Prophecy."
8. Don't Use Any Punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They
Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical
Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,
Rock Hard.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are
Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile..Its Called
Therapy...Get Some
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me; they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
30. Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE?
31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
32. OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
33. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
34. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He
sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns
would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband
responds, "But they are twins; if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out
of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so -
thereby proving.....that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my Electron." The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
brace yourself
this is going to hurt
really bad
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Desperation: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: Here come Dots
Slot Machines: Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms: Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness: Genuine Class
Semolina: Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries: Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
Contradiction: Accord not in it
Astronomer: Moon Starer
Princess Diana: End Is A Car Spin
Year Two Thousand: A Year To Shut Down
Evangelist: Evil's Agent
The Earthquakes: That Queer Shake
This one's truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil
Armstrong
The Anagram:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, pins flag on moon, left planet. On
to Mars!"