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Raising Children Traditionally
Comparing today's raising of children and yesteryear's raising

Traditional Child Rearing - Page 2

Respect was taught, as well as given, to children. Respect seems to be a hard thing for children today to comprehend. And sadly, I've witnessed it's not just the children; it's the adults as well. The people today seem not to realize that whatever they do affects everyone, even others they are not aware of. Respect is basically realizing that everyone has human emotions, everyone has their rights to live, to love, and to be loved by all. As easy as this sounds, as well known as it is, I'm still going to say it here: everyone should be treated as you would want to be treated yourself. Thus the golden rule is the best way to teach respect (Matthew 7:12, Luke 6:31). This is probably the easiest way to teach our children respect for others. To teach them to stop and consider things before they do or say anything. To take a moment to ask themselves this question, "How would I feel if someone was doing/saying this to me?"

So many people, not just children, seem to have forgotten what respect is. I have had an experience in which I witnessed a father not teaching his daughter respect of others, actually what was taught here is quite the opposite. A while back, a friend of my daughter's friends had gone somewhere with my daughter and me. I had to make a short stop at the office. Shortly after I gone into the office, my daughter and her friend came running in. Apparently when this girl had gotten out of my car, she hit the car sitting next to me and damaged their door. I told the girl that we needed to tell the owner of the car what she had done and she balked. She didn't want to do tell the owner and tried to keep me from doing it. I gave her all the reasons as to why I was going to let the owner know. Finally said she understood, but still wouldn't go with me to tell the owner.

The insurance deductible on my car was too high to even report the incident, so I knew I was going to have to pay for this out of my pocket. I told the girl she could "work" it off around my house by doing a few chores and that would be all that I would require of her. But she offered to tell her father and maybe he would pay for the damages. I said this was acceptable and would accept whatever he offered.

After I talked with him, he asked for a quote which I later supplied when the owner gave me the estimate which was several hundred dollars. He then later "used" his daughter to tell my daughter that neither he nor his daughter were legally liable and that not only would he not pay for this monetarily, but that his daughter would not do any "work" for me to compensate. I, as I had said, accepted his offer, which this time was of nothingness, but used the opportunity to explain to my daughter what should have been the right way in accepting the responsibility and sufficient retribution for your personal actions.

Children were taught good behavior by means of examples, not physical punishment. When a child did something wrong, it was explained to them why it was wrong and then shown the proper way to have handled it. And this was done in love and caring, not anger. Since they were so young, yet uncorrupted by the ways of the world, they were believed to still have an untarnished closeness to the Creator and His ways. Therefore, children were deeply respected and listened to. And there are many stories about white children being taken by the Indians and when they were “rescued” they didn’t want to go back to their families because of the way they had been treated with respect from the Indians in contrast how their own biological families had treated them.

And Jesus backs this up in, when asked who was the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven, in Matthew 18:2-6,10 (NIV) "He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said, 'I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.'"

Physical punishment focuses on the negative. However, when a child is shown what to do in the proper way, this focuses on the positive. Children in their early years are ingrained with a yearning to please everyone, especially their parents, so when they have done something wrong, they are more than eager to learn how to do it right. But as the children grow older, if they have been taught through the negative ways, always being reminded how wrong they are, what "bad" children they are, then they quickly become closed to the channel of learning proper behavior. And it will take a lot of work and effort to reverse this effect on those children who have only had negative feedback on themselves and their behavior.

And Olivia has said it best when she talked about today's parents tend to yell at their children. To quote her, "Indian mothers speak in a calm voice even when they are lecturing their child. A child will always listen if they are not yelled at." She finds that most of today's books and classes on child raising disregard traditional teachings.

Now I'm not saying the physical punishment is wrong. It should just be used as a last resort, definitely not in anger, and only on older children who are actually rebelling against authority. I know my son has responded best to this as he grew older! But I believe that many parents, single mothers especially, have a hard time applying the positive corrections. Many are exhausted from working most of the day, and are many times at wit's end by the time they get to meet up with their children. So when a child does do something wrong, in her current state of being, the mother will lash out. It takes a bit more effort to break habits that we have both been taught and used for so long.

They were taught by doing and watching. As the children grew older, they were then taught skills by the most appropriate person. These skills could be survival skills, specialized skills, and any other task that needed to be learned. This was usually done at first by the youth's observation of the older person performing the task to be learned. After a while, when confidence rose, the child would then attempt the task on its own. Any mistake was corrected and proper instructions were given.

What most parents today seem not to realize is that children learn the most from watching others, with the parents as their main source of education. The saying, "Do as I say, not as I do," just doesn't wash with children. Not only are the necessary skills of survival learned in this manner, but also behavior.

When a child watches his mother or father constantly react in anger, the child is learning that this is the way to react. They do not know any other way to react. When they see a parent abandon the family because of problems, this is the behavior this child learns. When they see an alcoholic parent, they will either become alcoholics, or are so disgusted from the scars of their youth, they will be strong advocates against it. Unless later in their lives they receive different guidance from someone they respect, these children will grow up to repeat the ways of their parents. And the cycle is repeated from generation to generation, unless broken through with complete love and understanding.

They were taught by playing games that helped them later in life. Children love to play and pretend they are grown-ups. This has never changed throughout the thousands and thousands of years. In ancient times, games existed that taught children accuracy in aiming at targets, healthy competition, and other skills needed for the adult years. Though not a game, it is well known that parents would sometimes withhold food and water from a child for a few days in order to prepare them later on for harsh times when it would not be available.

Boys would make their own bows and arrows to play practice at hunting. They would hunt squirrels, birds, and I've even seen where they would shoot at insects, sharpening their aiming skills. As they grew older, sometimes an older member of the family would present them with their first real bow. This was the time they knew they were allowed to start truly hunting for food for the family.

Girls, just like today, would play at cooking, cleaning, playing with handmade dolls, thus learning and applying the techniques of their mothers. A child's imagination is a wonderful thing. For in their mind, they truly have their own home, their own baby and whatever else. This is very important for the growth of a child. And also, it warms the heart of the adults watching them as they remember back when the times of their carefree childhood dreams flooded their imagination.

But in today's world, these simple games have grown into monstrosities. Video games that teach death and violence over and over again, Barbie dolls that teach our children that they have to be pretty and well-shaped on the outside, just to name two of the things that bother me. We as adults just don't realize how tender the young mind is, how easy it is to influence a child.

Try for yourself. Approach a three or four year old and tell them that angels are real and that they are constantly being watched over. (Which is true, see Matthew 18:10 quoted above, so in this way you are not harming the child by telling them a lie.) I think that with very little effort, if any effort at all, you will see that the child will accept what you have told them as the truth.

I, knowing this very early in life, have always been truthful to my children as they were growing up. I never once told them that Santa or the tooth fairy, or the Easter Bunny was real. We still had "fun" with them, but they always knew he was not real in the sense that many children today are taught. I remember being told in my teenage years about another child who had been taught that all of these myths were real. When the child was older, about 8 or so, she was told that they were not real. Upon hearing this and being convinced, she then decided that if they weren't real than neither was Jesus. This was told as a true story and I know many people have heard about this too.

As we grow older, we are developing our own opinions and thought processes. Therefore, we become less and less easily influenced. So those who say, "well, my child knows better" are correct in a sense. But there is also something known as desensitizing. This is exactly as it sounds: the more we see/experience something negative, the more we become less affected by it. When seeing someone "get blown away" on the video games, on TV, it starts becoming just an everyday occurrence and the initial reaction of "how horrible", eventually becomes, "oh well, it's just a game/show." Then watch the news, where the event is real. Are you as appalled as you were when a young child yourself? I truly don't think most people are.

I remember watching a movie with my father at a very early age with John Wayne. John Wayne had been shot and was dying. I remember crying and asking Dad "How could they do that?" And of course, he explained it was just acting and then explained what acting was. That event was so "traumatic" to me and my young mind, it's still kept back in my thoughts, being one of the few memories I have as a child. But you know, today, after watching all the movies, seeing someone get shot does not affect me in that way anymore.

Sharon too saw this as she was raising her children. She did not allow guns to be part of her family while her children were growing up. Nor would she allow her girls to mistreat their dolls, like hitting them against the walls, throwing them down the stairs, etc. She showed them how to hold them gently and cuddle and rock them, protecting them from all harms. She says even her son today treats his own children with great respect and gentleness, holds them and cuddles them, just like he had experienced growing up.

However, she also feels as I do that just cause a child played with guns (cowboys and Indians???), they probably won't grow up to shoot people for real. But the negative, desensitizing influences today are a lot greater than they were even 15 years ago. There is very little focus on the positive anymore. The scales are no longer tipped to the goodness of humankind, but toward greed, success, revenge, hatred and many other negative areas. We need to start teaching love, respect again, tipping the scales away from the negative and more towards the positive.

Now let's look at another thing that I feel has influenced our youth today, the more we hear/say something, the more we begin to believe it and accept it as reality. The "influencing" still exists, it just takes a lot longer to sink in. For an extreme example, the Barbie doll syndrome. I remember a year or so ago seeing a program that focused on these women who actually had facelifts and other physical treatments to become "Barbie". These were grown women between their mid-twenties to mid-thirties. They had grown up, playing with Barbie dolls, watching all these "beautiful" models/actresses on TV and just knew they weren't attractive as themselves.

But with or without Barbie dolls in their life, there are many, many, many teenagers and young adults who do not see their own beauty. They simply do not "match up" with what has been taught about beauty. And not only are these adolescence down on themselves, but today, most are teased brutally and emotionally damaged by their peers. Simply because they aren't Jennifer Love Hewitt.

And let me tell you, I have been through this a certain amount myself, but not to the extent of some I've witnessed. As I was growing up, my parents always, always told me I was beautiful. But I never felt it because I sometimes was called names in school (Eagle Beak stands out the most) and the boys didn't ask me out. I didn't look like a model and I was a little overweight, but not too bad. No matter how much my parents told me otherwise, their words did not matter to me, it was the words and actions of my peers. It has taken me many years to see my own beauty. So, we need to teach our children that what they say, how they act around others is important. Again, think first about how they would feel before saying/doing something to another.

And then, we need to teach our children, most importantly in this matter and starting at a very young age, that what we have been taught on TV, magazines, whatever, is not necessarily correct. That true beauty actually does lie within a person, not on the outside. Everyone has a beauty of his or her own. Each person has something to contribute. And true love can not be based on physical attraction alone. I truly believe (from experience) that the more you love someone, the more you will see that beauty on the outside, even their physical features will improve in your eyes. And I'm not talking just partner love, I'm talking about love towards every individual. And this is especially important to learn and apply in the teenage years.

Time was not usually spent in idleness, but always doing something productive one way or the other. In the ancient days, time was not spent lounging around in front of a television or listening to music on the radio, but spent playing, working and interacting with each other. At certain times of the year, people would gather around the fires to pass on their myths and legends and histories of their nations. Even many of these were told as "Aesop's fables" having a truth/moral behind the story to be learned by those listening.

In even the children playing, as I have shown, things were being learned. Sharon has brought up a subject I had not thought of but absolutely agree with and is very vital to bring out. She has pointed out that time spent alone, especially play, is important to essential developments. It teaches how to be creative themselves, how to utilize their time, and most importantly, how to "be alone" without being lonely. And as she wisely points out, it also helps them to learn how to communicate with the Creator one on one.

I also feel this should be done without other influences such as the radio or other noise making distractions. I remember that I spent most of my youth in the woods alone. I used to "build" my house using a rock outline with pretend walls and roof. Many hours were passed just cleaning the area from the last time I was there as leaves and other things had gotten in my home and then reorganizing my home. I made chairs, beds and tables from surrounding resources. Other times, I would just lie in a field and watch the clouds go by, feeling the sun's warmth shining down on me. These moments were always spent in dreams of my future, and later on, thoughts about my yesterdays and what I learned from them. And at other times, I simply spent them talking with the Creator and taking in His beautiful creation.

I very seldom have felt loneliness, especially in my youth. There were times in my adult past that I felt this loneliness overwhelming me. But those were the times when I was not walking the right road with the Creator. Now I cherish the times I have alone, usually utilizing them by reading, working on crafts, learning new things, or even writing papers such as this or talking with the Creator. Things like this should be taught to our children while they are yet young. As Sharon and I have both heard many times from our children and others, "I'm bored. There's nothing to do." comes way too often in today's youth. This is one (and only one) of the reasons that can lead a child into bad behaviors, such as crime. They don't know how to make good use of their time and how to treasure it.

Children today lean on the TV, radio, other kids, and such things to give them something to do. I would say the majority of children are this way though I haven't seen any statistics on this. Creativity within children has been greatly diminished in the past 30 or so years and thus their ability to "think for themselves" has diminished with it. As my children grew up, they have put down the books and replaced them with talking on the phone with their friends or watching television. My daughter is especially bad about the phone. When she has no one to talk with, she gets bored. She has always been one that has a hard time with coming up with things to do herself. I give her ideas sometimes, but she usually finds them "boring" as well.

Well, in summary, I will reiterate that our children today are definitely living in the non-traditional world. And I must admit that I have fallen on my face many, many times as a single parent, but I’ve learned and I’m trying hard to adhere to what I’ve learned in the past few years. Unless we pull things back together, as Olivia and Sharon have done, and start teaching our children the ways of our ancestors, I believe we will keep seeing this deterioration of our youth. And as Sharon stated, the decay is starting younger and younger in our children today. For when our children have their children, they will pass on what they have learned from their past. And that's not in total direct reference to parents only, but in addition to and from their peers just as much so.

So we, as parents and parents-to-be, need to start teaching our children from the time they can walk respect, honor, love, right and wrong using uplifting techniques (as opposed to only negative), healthy games, how to utilize their time in the best way, and most importantly, well above all others, that there is a God, He does exist and is loving us every day of our lives. And then while all this is being taught, we, as parents, need to live it knowing that our children are learning more from actions than words.

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This is a poem I wrote for my parents on April 15,1987 realizing just how lucky I was having them as my parents, MY Mom and MY Dad. As the wind gently whispers by,
I think of memories of them and I.
I was blessed to have received
The two of which I was conceived.

Remembering the days of my childhood,
I guess I never quite really understood
Of the love and deep care that nestled close
As they raised the children they love the most.

I wish I could even now fully express
My gratitude – my deep thankfulness.
But in no way can I possibly show
That the love we shared no other will know.

Of all the parents in this world,
Mine are more precious than a golden pearl.
No other pair would I have taken
For it was by their understanding that I awakened.

For you see, they have given me more than love,
They made sure I knew about God above.
Though I’ve lived far and walked astray
They always forgive my broken way.

I love them more and more each hour.
Oh, the wind blows strong with mighty power!
The days pass by with support so grand
For they are my pillar on which I stand.



PLEASE REMEMBER TO PRAY FOR ALL CHILDREN EVERY DAY!

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