He closed his eyes as he remembered her horrified face as she struggled in that hospital bed, her hands and feet restrained. Her terrified screams and cries, expressions of agony even he couldn't cure this time. It was a vision that seemed never ending, and it nearly killed him to watch her in pain, feeling so helpless.

In fact, he'd never felt as helpless as he had at that moment. He didn't know what to say, or do, or how to get through to her. All he knew was that she was experiencing hell, and he knew, from personal experience, it wasn't enjoyable. So he'd stood there, watching her, crying out to the fates to ease the pain that wracked her small body.

He'd left the hospital, determined to save her, not sure how, but figuring Wesley might have an idea. He knew it had something to do with the mark on her wrist. Wesley would know, he had to. With that desperate thought in mind, he'd headed home, only to watch everything he knew blow up in front of him.

His first thought had been Wesley. He knew he'd never forget the moment he saw his friend's battered body, lying on the floor amid the rubble of what had once been his home and their office.

He remembered his sense of fear and uncertainty as he entered the hospital doors again. The confusion on the face of the receptionist as she noticed him in the lobby, and how her eyebrows had risen as he'd inquired about Wesley this time, instead of Cordelia. Two of his friends hospitalized in a period of hours. He'd think it was strange too if he were in her shoes.

He'd looked at Wesley, lying in the hospital bed, hooked up to monitors to keep him alive. His mind flashed two floors up to Cordelia's agonized face, also in a sterile bed like this one. It wasn't fair. The two people he cared about most in the world were fighting to survive, all because of him.

He had no doubt all of this was his fault. Everything that seemed to befall his friends' lives since they'd started Angel Investigations was his fault. The crushing guilt weighed even more heavily on him now than it had before. These people trusted him, they were his friends, the first true friends he'd ever had. And now, he could lose them both.

Angel came back to himself as he heard Cordelia moan softly in her sleep, twisting her body in the bed covers as she obviously fought off a nightmare. Without thinking, he sat down next to her and reached out to stroke her forehead gently, feeling the frown lines smooth out at his gentle touch, taking a small amount of comfort that he was helping her fight her demons, even in her sleep. He watched as she sighed, slowly relaxing again, her restless movements stopping. But still, he didn't move. He simply sat, watching her face, wishing he could do more to ease her pain.

He flashed back to his second visit to her hospital room. He remembered looking down at a sedated Cordelia, seeing her eyes filled with agony as she experienced her horrifying visions, but could do nothing to stop them. Remembered how he'd felt, watching the woman who'd come to mean so much to him, in so little time, fighting for her soul. The words he'd spoken were never truer. He needed her more than he'd ever thought he could need anybody. Not just because she was his seer, but because she was his friend, and because she'd come to mean so much more to him than anyone ever had before. He'd known he had no future with Buffy, and even though it hurt, he knew he needed to move on. He'd finally begun to, Riley and the move to LA had helped him with that.

But Cordelia, well, she was his true turning point. Without quite realizing how, he'd come to depend on her. Her laughter, her outrageous comments, her sarcastic wit, even her never ending ideas on how to find clients. He'd realized, in that one moment, that if he couldn't see her beautiful face, or hear her laughter each day, he wouldn't be able to go on. She was such an integral part of his life now, he couldn't, he didn't, want to live without her.

So he'd stood by her bedside, willing his thoughts into her head, hoping in some way, it might ease her pain, letting her know he was here with her, and would always be.

He flashed forward again, remembering the pure relief he'd felt as Wesley had managed to translate the words, and the blinding flash of light in the room as Cordelia's curse had been broken. He remembered the relief he'd felt, seeing her beautiful eyes finally clear, though the horror and pain of what she'd seen was obviously still with her. Remembered how she'd sounded so lost, so small, repeating how many people needed help, and how they had to help them.

He could still see the gentle smile she sent Wesley's way, noting the relief on their friend's face as he smiled back at her from the side of the bed. And he remembered the smile she'd given him, her eyes suddenly locking with his. He knew his own eyes had probably expressed more than they should, but he hadn't cared at the time. This was his Cordelia, looking up at him, smiling through her pain, at him, for him. Knowing he hadn't lost her, or Wesley for that matter. His small family was still intact, and still together. They'd survived this attack…and lived to face the next.

Angel grew pensive as those thoughts again brought him back to the present. He sighed softly, continuing to stroke the soft skin of Cordelia's cheek, feeling her nuzzle gently into his hand as she drifted deeper into a rejuvenating sleep.

He remembered her joy as Wesley had stuttered out the meaning of "shansu." The light that lit up both his friends' eyes as they realized what the prophecy meant.

He would become human. Not in the near future, but someday.

He still wasn't sure how to process that. He'd tried to shrug it off, play it off, but his friends hadn't let him. Cordelia hadn't let him. She'd calmly sat there, watching him drink his blood, smiling at him. Smiling and talking about celebrating. He'd been stunned, to tell the truth, though you'd never have known it by his face. He was good at keeping his emotions in check.

But Cordelia's light and enthusiasm had gotten to him. For the first time in days, he saw real hope in her beautiful gaze as she smiled at him. Hope and joy, for him, a vampire, a killer. Hope that one day, someday, he would become human, and have a chance at a truly new life.

But it would be a life without her in it.

Because he knew it would take lifetimes for him to repay his debts and defeat the obstacles and demons in his way. Cordelia and Wesley would both be dead and gone by the time, if that time ever came, when he had paid all his debts and won his freedom.

Despite that fact, he couldn't ignore the spark of hope he felt deep inside his troubled soul. And he couldn't ignore the brilliant smile on Cordelia's face as she let her happiness for him shine through.

He'd finally managed to smile in return, letting just a spark of that hope in Cordelia's beautiful eyes, fill several of the dark corners of his mind. And the smile she'd given him back had made it all worth while. Maybe he could be redeemed and saved. Maybe he could be forgiven.

But it wouldn't be easy, and it could end up costing his friends their lives. They'd been lucky this time, but with Wolfram and Hart, along with all the other demons out there, determined to make him pay, he knew their lives were constantly in danger. The law firm tonight had proven they had no problems or scruples about taking out his friends to get to him.

He had to protect them. Especially Cordelia.

Sweet, innocent Cordelia. Oh, he wouldn't call her that to her face, knowing she was tougher than most women her age. But still, when she thought he wasn't looking, he often caught a glimpse of the insecure girl underneath, begging for acceptance and love.

He sighed as he realized he truly did love her. Maybe not in the same way he had Buffy, but there was no question about what he was feeling. Nearly losing her had made him see how important she was to him, and that he couldn't live without her.

He could never tell her, knowing his curse would forever keep them apart, knowing he'd only hurt them both, and plenty of other people, if he admitted his love. Even though the need to tell her was eating away at him. He'd have to keep it safe inside, for everyone's benefit. He just hadn't realized how hard it was going to be.

He softly stroked another strand of hair out of her face as he gazed tenderly down at her sleeping form. He would allow himself this one moment of watching her, stroking her soft skin, making her nightmares fade for a while. It was all they could ever have.

But he wouldn't lose her. No matter that he couldn't express his love for her, he would know it was there. And it would keep him going.

It was his burden, his curse to bear alone. He knew it, he accepted it, but he didn't have to like it.

He sighed as he saw the room slowly start to lighten a sign sunrise was fast approaching. He forced himself to stand, knowing her nightmares wouldn't return tonight. He looked down at her, tenderness on his face she'd be shocked if she had been awake to see. She'd also have been shocked at the blood tear that slipped silently down his cheek as he glanced one last time at her peaceful face.

Angel quickly left the room, moving silently to the door. As he opened it, he suddenly turned back.

"Dennis, she's yours to watch over now, take care of my beautiful seer, I'll be back as soon as I can," he whispered softly to the empty hallway.

He got his reply as he heard the lock turn after he shut the front door.

He sighed as he trudged down the hallway, mind in turmoil. He knew what he had to do. He knew, in the end, he'd have to do it alone. But at least for a while, he'd have his friends by his side. And he swore, then and there, that nothing was ever going to hurt them again.

He only hoped they were ready for the future, for now they were truly all in it together.

There was no turning back.

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