AMPHETAMINE


**She came out west to find the sun, she lost her name but found a new one, she goes to school all day but at night in the neighborhood they call her amphetamine.** Buffy looked her up and down. Such an amazing body...and her face. Framed so hauntingly with that beautiful dark hair. Everything about her stuck out in Buffy's mind. Everything about her made her heart beat faster and fight harder. She wasn't just fighting for herself anymore. She had somebody she placed far beyond her own worth. Not even Angel had ever held that distinction in the blonde slayer's mind. Only her girl...only Faith had, and did. **She is perfect in that fucked up way, that all the magazines seem to want to glorify these days.** Why was there such sadness behind those deep eyes? The eyes that could shine with passion, darken with lust, and yet always seemed hollow with fear was it? Confusion? Uncertainty? What was missing...what did Faith need that Buffy couldn't give her? Why wouldn't she just talk to her? Why wouldn't she let her in...let her be who she wanted so badly to be in Faith's life. Not only her lover, friend, slaying partner...something more. Confidant trusted one. Somebody she would allow to ease her pain. "She looks like a teenage anthem, she looks like she used to be happy with the girl inside" It couldn't always have been this way. She couldn't have been born hardened on the outside. Her tough exterior barely masking what Buffy knew lay within. Perhaps it worked on those that didn't care to go deep, to look at the girl under the leather. Buffy did. She wanted to go beyond what Faith would allow. So protected...so guarded. Always on the lookout. Even though she was willing to share certain things with the blonde girl, there was always something...something Buffy could never identify. Hiding just below the surface. At times, she could swear it threatened to jump out. Buffy wondered if what would happen to Faith if it did. If she ever actually opened up and shared who she was, what had happened to her, what she wanted to happen in the future. **She looks so bored sometimes, she has that super pale skin and those soft eyes, she looks like she could have been happy in a better life** If things were only different. How different? What would have to change? Who would have to change? Could Buffy change it? Or would it have required a different life entirely. Then again, would Faith really be Faith in different circumstances? What made the enigmatic brunette in front of her, the puzzle she was? Was it really all the pain that lay within? The pain that Buffy would offer her life to take away. **she came out west just to break away clean, from her family and her friends and a little girl's dream, all she wants to do every night is to sit beside my window and listen to the sirens** Would she ever get in? Through some figurative window, into Faith's soul...some place where she could find the past and change it. Or even, just know it so that she could make the future better. To take away the emptiness that resided within no matter what Buffy tried to do, or did do. No matter how many times she kissed her with everything she had there was always a distance. Would that distance be there forever? **She is perfect in that fucked up way that all the magazines seem to want to glorify these days, she looks like a teenage anthem, and she looks like she should have been happy in another life...in another life" That was it. Faith deserved it. She deserved to have the loving family, the invincible watcher, the loyal friends. Why didn't she? What vast karmic error could she have commited to deserve the cards she had been dealt? Shutting her eyes tightly, Buffy lay back and hoped that Faith wouldn't notice. The blinds were drawn and the inky black night wasn't visible through the tiny slits that allowed shards of moonlight to be cast into the bedroom and onto the floor, illuminating Faith's features. Again Buffy drank in her beauty with semi-open eyes. Eyes that were stinging with silenttears. **She came out west just to break the spell, after three long years in a place like hell, six months clean living sober and right, the doctors tell her everything will be alright** She could tell that Faith was not yet asleep. Just lying there, enjoying a few moments in another life. Not her, not you, not me, not anybody. Just existing. She lay silent. Possibly thinking, most likely not. Not thinking because thoughts always led to something painful. Dredged up the past somehow. A noise from outside barely reached the room. It was loud enough for slayers to hear. Buffy knew it was the neighbor's cat trying to get back in the house. Faith didn't. The smaller slayer could see the darker one's muscles tense, and ready themselves. Her eyes now wide open her arms ready to strangle the life or unlife out of anything that dared threaten her or her mate. There was something there. Buffy knew that Faith felt more for her than she would let on. She knew that somewhere in the confused girl's head was something resembling love. Something as close to it as the other girl could feel. **yeah you just take your pill and everything will be alright** Faith got up and went to the window. She looked out, nearly breaking the blinds as she carelessly bent them. They were a new thing for her. Dingy old curtains were the closest thing Faith ever had to privacy. Buffy watched her look, though on the defensive her eyes scanned in a predatory manner. She was the boss. This was her turf now. Fuck with her and you would besorry. Satisfied that nothing was there she went back to the bed and lay down again. Even in the bed, the little double bed that Buffy had been sleeping in since she was a kid...there was still an untouchable distance. **she looks like a teenage anthem she looks like a magazine girl, she looks like a teenage anthem, like she used to be happy in another world** Buffy shivered and pulled the blankets tighter. Sunnydale never got cold. The chill she felt was directly related to whatever the slayer sharing her bed was putting off. Why was this? Buffy felt as though she was just as confused now, as anybody else could have ever been. **She looks like a teenage anthem she is happy with the girl inside, she looks like a teenage anthem and she looks like she could have been happy in anotherlife** She put the thoughts away. She couldn't fall asleep if she let them torment her. It was late, rather, it was early. Patrol had been uneventful and it was time to get some rest. **In another life, happy in another life** Faith was tense. Buffy wasn't sure why. She supposed it was becuase of the noise they had heard. That was nothing though. She needed to let that go, and get some sleep as well. It wasn't just Buffy who neededrest. **Met her at a party and i took her home, she is the saddest girl that i have ever known, she wakes me up in the middle of the night just to tell me everything will be alright. she smiles at me and tells meeverything will be alright** Buffy leaned into the kiss. Unsure of how it started, just glad that it had. Like her counterpart could sense that something was bothering her. Like she knew what it was about. The kiss was a promise, an unspoken assurance. 'I'll tell you someday. You'll be the first I talk to I swear. I'm just not ready yet.' **I tell myself the same damn thing** Buffy relaxed. She knew it was true. She knew that. She was sure...they loved each other. Didn't they? **Everyday** As soon as she shut her eyes and felt the bliss of sleep take over, it was just that. Over. Faith had known. She knew the end was near, she knew the kiss would be their last. She knew something was coming that neither of them could fight. She knew it was time. A slayer's life is a short one. They had both been told that over and over. Despite how many times they heard it, it was never reassuring. Funny how that is. There wasn't any pain though. Like the work they had done in their short lives was good and being rewarded. The Powers That Be had made sure it would be quick. Maybe now Faith would have that chance for a better life that she so deserved. Maybe they could have it together. **Everything will be al right**