Memories of things past floated around in her brain, always ending on the night.

It was the same thing, over and over and over again.

She got no respite, no break from it.

Even her subconsious wouldn't let her forget it. She was in a fucking coma and she still remembered it all.

------------------------------------------------------

The rythm was fast, the music pumped. Faith could feel it, filling the room, flowing through her veins.

Then it stopped.

Faith looked over to see what was going on, and there she was. Beautiful as ever, and mad as hell. Faith didn't need to ask, she knew why Buffy was here.

Although she knew, she also wondered about what had gone wrong. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. Buffy was to be at his bedside. Watching him DIE. He was supposed to be DEAD!

Buffy was supposed to hate her, she was supposed to hate Buffy. Clean cut and simple.

Faith was going to skip town right before the ascension, and leave it at that. Maybe call on the Mayor for a few favours later on, but it ended there.

Or, it was supposed to.

"Thought I'd stop by."

Faith had to say it. She knew it would hurt Buffy but she had to.

"Is he dead yet?"

Buffy didn't look like herself anymore. She had lost all feeling. Her normally sensitive green eyes were empty and distant. It scared Faith.

"He's not gonna die. It was a good try, though. Your plan?"

Faith wasn't going to let this be one-sided. She would go down, and she would let Buffy take her down, but she was going to inflict pain first.

"Uh-huh. The Mayor got me the poison. Said it was wicked painful."

"There's a cure." Buffy was totally unmoving.

"Damn. What is it?"

"Your blood. As justice goes, it's not un-poetic, don't you think?"

It was. It really was. Probably the most poetic thing Faith had ever heard. At least in the justice department.

"Come to get me? You gonna feed me to Angel? You know you're not going to take me alive."

"Not a problem."

No, it won't be a problem. You can have me. Put me out of my fucking misery.

Faith looked Buffy up and down fully, one last time. Like a final drag off a last cigarette before an inmates execution.

The firing squad had arrived, dressed to kill.

"Well, look at you. All dressed up in big sister's clothes."

"You told me I was just like you. That I was holding it in."

You aren't like me. Don't ever say that again. You are so much better than me. So high up.

Faith and Buffy approached each other until they were standing face to face.

She smelled so good.

"Ready to cut loose?"

"Try me."

Well, it's worth a shot...

"Okay then. Give us a kiss."

Buffy punched her in the jaw. Ouch.

They continued on, fighting with each other. For Faith, the battle was just as much on the inside as it was the outside.

Each of Buffy's strikes left a far bigger and more painful emotional wound than a physical one.

Buffy was easing up, letting her guard down. Faith was going to let her win, but it had to be a good fight. She was'nt going down without a band so loud it would wake up the whole fucking town.

"Not getting tired are you? I'm just startihg to feel it."

No. She knew that would set Buffy off. And it did.

Rejuvinated by Faith's comments, they continued to fight.

Soon the fell together through the big window, landing on Faith's terrace.

Well, that was loud. Faith slowly got up. Much to her suprise, Buffy snapped cuffs on them.

Where the hell did she get handcuffs? MotherfuckingAngel... sick bastard...

Not that she wouldn't have liked to use cuffs on Buffy, just that she was jealous.

"Stick around." Always with the goddam puns. She couldn't shut up. Even in battle, a battle against her, Faith still found the puns endearing. The fight went on. "What's the matter? All that killing, you afraid to die?" That hurt. That really hurt. If only she knew. If only Buffy knew. Faith spun Buffy so she could get the leverage to use her legs, and managed to snap the handcuff chain. Again a face off. This time, it ended with Faith holding a length of pipe, and Buffy pulling Faith's knife. Dirty pool. "That's mine." "You're about to get it back." Such an attitude. Faith remembered the good times, she loved that attitude. They exchanged blows, Faith dodged the knife. They moved to the edge of the terrace and Faith held Buffy at there. You know I can't do it. You know I'd never be able to push you, or throw you, or stab you. I just hope you can do it to me. End it all for me. "Man, I'm going to miss this." Faith eased her grip just enough so Buffy could break it without suspecting anything. Here's your chance girlfriend. Faith left an opening. She moved her left arm up, just slightly. Buffy broke Faith's grip and plunged the knife into her abdomen. Both of them looked stunned for a moment. Faith was stunned partly because Buffy actually did it, and partly because it didn't hurt. In fact, the cool metal sliding into her abdomen eased the pain. Pain that had been with her since before she could even remember. Death...Faith hoped it would bring her peace. "You did it." Her voice was weak, but the smile never left her face. Faith threw Buffy away from her. If Buffy hated her, it would be easier on both of them. "You killed me." Just as the knife hadn't hurt, searing pain filled her when she told Buffy she killed her. At that moment, everything changed. Buffy changed. Her deep green eyes regained their sensitivity, the window to Buffy's soul had opened. Everything Faith had wanted to see, but been afraid to even wish for, what she had dreamed of since the day she laid eyes on the blonde slayer, it was all there. Spilling out and into their locked gaze, was what Buffy had kept hidden, much like Faith had. Love and passion rushed forth. Only, their was a dark edge of sadness over it all. Buffy really had killed her, and they both knew it. If only things could have been diffent...if only they could have talked...let each other know, just somehow, in anyway communicated the love they both felt before it was too late. No times for what if's and if only's. Faith climbed onto the low wall at the edge of the terrace and looked down. Buffy wouldn't have taken her to Angel. She knew that. They both knew that. It was an unspoked agreement. But Faith wanted to make Buffy's life easy. Despite all the talking their eyes had just done, they left what they both knew unsaid. Letting Buffy have the opportunity to take her to Angel would have made it too hard for her. Buffy had to have a clean cut excuse. "Still won't help your boy,though. Shoulda been there, B, quite a ride." Faith let herself fall backwards off the wall. She felt herself land on something hard and then the world went black. ------------------------------------------------------ And so it's been until now. Every second of her comatose life, reliving the same story over and over again. Like never ending torture. Dreams of what could have and should have been. Images that haunt her mind, never leaving her. Never giving her peace. ------------------------------------------------------ Somewhere in the hospital there was music playing. It was "Gone to the Movies" by Semisonic. Buffy found the music soft and soothing. She needed it, everytime she went and saw Faith things were tense. The girl was in a coma and yet she could still whip Buffy into a frenzy...easily. The music played. **"Now the rain comes down the windows and it Drops onto the forehead of the waiting girl She surveys her rental kingdom and she Wonders if she's really lost her one joy"** She took a deep breath and steadied herself. She walked into the room and sat down by Faith's bed. Faith looked so frail and weak. Buffy remembered the time Faith had told her that the only thing she needed was herself and nothing else. How ironic that was. She couldn't even breathe on her own now. **"Another fool would go down to the Only place she ever went to lose herself She's gone to the movies now and she don't need your help"** Buffy started to think. Think about all the things that she wanted to say and never got a chance to. "There was so much left for us to do, and I had so many things to say. I don't want it to end like this..." Buffy started to sob quietly. **"Now the rain turns into snowfall as the City sky reflects the silver street below And it covers up the cars and the Wall- Flowers cd ended half an hour ago"** "I left so many questions, and there are so many things unanswered. So many important things unsaid. You...you did this all for me. Look how it left you..." Buffy thought back to that night. It was mostly a blur, up until the last moment. She wondered if Faith ever thought about it, or if she could even think in her coma. For Buffy, the moment had remained suspended in time. The whole thing repeatedly running in slow motion through her head. **"Another fool would dig the broken car out from the snow And drive to find the show She's gone to the movies now and she's not coming home She's gone to the movies now and she's not coming home"** The knife. The mistake. The look on Faith's face. All of it. Every fucking thing. Faith had done it all for her. And all she got in return was a knife in the gut and a hospital room. Buffy found herself hoping. hopeing something would change. Hoping Faith would heal miraculosly. Finally, she hoped that wherever Faith was going, would be better than here. **"Now she looks around her place and anyways There's nowhere she could sit beside the bed And she wonders if the car will start tomorrow or she'll have to take the bus instead"** How could she lose her? Lose her before she even really had her? Tears were flowing freely, falling down her cheeks and into nothingness. "I'm so sorry. I made mistakes...lot's of mistakes, and I wish-I wish things could have been different." As if to say 'so do I' , as if to give her comfort, or at least to try, Faith's hand gently squeezed Buffy's. That's what it was to Buffy. What it was in reality, that's anyone's guess. A tear rolled down Faith's face. Was it Buffy's? Or was it really Faith's? It rolled down onto the bleached pillow. Buffy leaned down and kissed Faith. Not on the forehead, but the lips. And not deep, it was simply the most loving and chaste kiss any two people could have shared. Before she left, Buffy had to say one more thing. "Faith...if your in this for me..." She continued to sob. "Just know that I love you." **"Any other fool would be out on the roadway Trying to spot her rusted Pontiac She's gone to the movies now and she's not coming back She's gone to the movies now and she's not coming back"** Buffy looked down sadly one last time. The heart monitor flatlined. And for Faith, it ended the fight of her life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Faith walked down the empty street alone and cold. Sunnydale wasn't cold. Ever. Not even now. It wasn't the weather that made her cold. It was the emptiness. The emptiness in her heart that gave her a chill. The fear in her soul that caused her to wrap her light jacket around her even tighter. It had nothing to do with the weather. It never did. Even on the hottest days she was still cold and alone. Dead inside. That was until a certian blonde entered her life. The one with so much warmth in her heart that it kept her alive for a short while. She was born again in this light, the light she prayed would never end but inevitably did. She had a habit of doing that. Pushing away and fighting, lashing out when somebody tried to be there for her. Then again, before Buffy nobody had ever really been there for her. Maybe that was why she couldn't deal, why she had reacted in the stupidest way imaginable. Why she had shut down and given up. Taken the easy way out. The only way out. Again and again, no matter how many times she rehearsed it, when things finally came down to it, she couldn't. She just couldn't. She couldn't tell Buffy how she really felt, she couldn't talk to her, fall into her arms and cry. She couldn't do anything to make her wrongs right. All she could do was compound the hurt and make it worse. Not only for Buffy, but for herself. The look in Buffy's eye when she exchanged barbs with her, the pain on her face in combat. Not that she would hold back. Quite the opposite. The firey blonde would fight back harder, and get more and more intense with each blow. Maybe that was one of the things that attracted her so much. Then again, there was so many things it was impossible to choose just one, or to even isolate it enough to name it. Faith thought back to the time when things hadn't been so rocky. So flammable. Maybe things were better then, or maybe they weren't. Maybe it was easier to tell herself that they were, and deny the truth. The truth that hurt so much. To pretend that neutral was better than acidic was a lie. Bigger than just smoothing out the cracks in her memories, it was erasing the entire thing and throwing it away. She couldn't forget, it was to sell herself short. **"Show me how you do that trick The one that makes me scream" she said "The one that makes me laugh" she said And threw her arms around my neck "Show me how you do it And I promise you I promise that I'll run away with you I'll run away with you"** Tricks, games, played many times over with Buffy and then repeated in her mind even more. If only that promise had been real, if only it had been stronger. It wasn't. Words tossed like leaves in the wind, floating aimlessly, with nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. No destination and no starting point, flowing continuously never ending. She couldn't take that. Couldn't live like that, couldn't be the puppet any longer. Her childhood had been enough to last a lifetime. More than just one life time in fact. She had enough manipulation in her, both used for her and against her, to last several life times. That was maybe something to her advantage, then again, more often than not, it had caused her great pain. She couldn't just play the game, she couldn't show Buffy how she did the tricks that made her smile, and Buffy would never run away with her. The closeness and the distance, all rolled into one. The empty words and lost promises. All of these things combined had sent her spinning off out of control. If she couldn't have what she so wanted and needed in the arms of the one she loved, she'd get there another way. Know thine enemy, keep them closer than friends. That was how this was going to work, there was no other choice. **Spinning on that dizzy edge I kissed her face and kissed her head And dreamed of all the different ways I had To make her glow "Why are you so far away?" she said "Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you That I'm in love with you" ** After that things were changed forever. Buffy's dynamic with Angel was skewed, and Faith was forever thrown into demonic obscurity, not really fitting in with the bad guys or the good. Not really demonic, not really evil, fully hurting and fully human. What had that done to "them" if she dared even call it that. Had it brought them closer? Torn them apart? Ruined their lives forever? Impossible. If there was one thing she knew for sure, it was that without Buffy there was no life. She'd rather die than go on knowing what she'd lost and what she needed but could never have. **You Soft and only You Lost and lonely You ** All she could think about, all she was. What was Buffy then? Was the slayer the same without her other half? Her own personal demon? Was she really just as lost without Faith as Faith was without her? Could this be? Or was it, like most things, wishful thinking. Thoughts that she so wanted to be realities she did everything in her power to make them so. Her weakness. Her weakness that she mistook for power. Though she wasn't sure, she could have sworn that as the knife plunged into her gut a flicker of something closely resembling pain flashed in Buffy's eyes. Was it pain for Angel? Pain for herself? Or, could it have been pain for Faith? Was it an unasked question? Was it the final WHY? Why did things have to be this way? Why weren't the different? Why were the fighting against each other and not side-by-side? WHY? **Strange as angels Dancing in the deepest oceans Twisting in the water You're just like a dream** That was why. There was no Buffy, she was merely a spectre. A reflection that Faith created. What she could have been, what she should have been, what she wanted to be. What she wanted to have. Everything that was missing from her life, all in one package. That couldn't be it. Not exactly. She didn't want herself. She had never loved or even respected herself. That she had been taught at a young age. She wanted Buffy. She didn't want to be her. Buffy was her dream. Perfection, too good for her, so above her. Something Faith could never have, something she never deserved and never would deserve. Thoughts and feelings of inadeqacy plagued her. Eight monthes of silent reflection in the scariest place of all. Her mind. Her naked unbriddled mind. Like she was being punished. The bad child sent to her room to think about what she had done. The ultimate punishment. Eight monthes of Faith. Of herself, seeing who she was for what she was worth. The truth. No lies, makeup, seduction, no false exteriors here. Go to your room. Think about what you've done. Then with a magnificent flash it was over. The dreams stopped, the pain dulled. **Daylight licked me into shape I must have been asleep for days And moving lips to breathe her name I opened up my eyes And found myself alone alone.** Awake and alone. Cold and scared. Back into reality. Her name no longer a mere breath away...her face a few steps further. Alone. So close and yet so far. No matter where she was it didn't matter. She had been saying the name over and over again, until daylight licked her into shape. Now nothing mattered. The loneliness was too much to bear. Buffy wasn't even Buffy anymore. The first sight, the interaction, the jabs. Empty, and alone. Like two shells, life sized marionettes. Controlled by an unforgiving master, the fates casting the die of destiny and not caring where it landed. Carelessly moving game pieces on a board, throwing some aside and breaking others. Sunnydale wasn't Sunnydale without it's slayer, and she was gone. Buffy wasn't there anymore, she had died with the school. As Faith had gone with the mayor, Buffy had gone as well. Both dead, no longer masters of either domain. Both alone, both cold and both scared. **Alone above a raging sea That stole the only girl I loved And drowned her deep inside of me** They had killed each other. Isolation the drug of one and assimilation the other. Faith really was alone in the world, the raging sea. The world that had cruelly stolen her Buffy and made the one-time warrior one of them. Drowned in the unforgiving sea of faceless existence. If one could even call it that. **You Soft and only You Lost and lonely You Just like heaven** She had died and come back, but she had been to heaven once in her existence and that was more than anybody could ever ask for.