What's In a Name: Swiftpaw
By Spring Brookring

Yesterday, I realized something. Everybody has a name. Yup, everyone. So, in tribute to that, I've decided to do a series of insane articles on names. These articles may be mocking, pathetic, and highly opinionated, but some names are just asking for it. I intend to ramble on until the greater part of readers fall asleep or I get tired of typing. The first name I've chosen to pick apart, bit by bit, and only put back together if I feel like it, is Swiftpaw. So enjoy!

Something occurred to me a while ago, and it's been bugging me lately. I was just thinking (yes, I can too think—as soon as the sugar wears off) that there are an awful lot of people named Swiftpaw around the ROC. Sometimes it's a first name, sometimes it's a last name, occasionally the only part of the name, and once in a while you find it embroidered on a hand knitted scarf. And I was wondering, why is this name so common? To my knowledge, there isn't another name that is repeated so much. As far as I can remember, there isn't a Swiftpaw in any of the books. You'd think people would try to be a little more original. There are plenty of other names that mean the same thing.  Try a thesaurus. How about Fleetappendage or Quicklimb or Rapidleg or Fastfoot? Heehee. I love the thesaurus on my computer.

Especially ridiculous are those times when one comes across a species that is definitely not swift or doesn't posses paws. An owl or a fat Cellarhog probably won't live up to the name. Names like Swifttalon or Fatpaw might be more appropriate in these situations. Unless, of course, the name is meant to be a joke or a sort of irony in the creature's life. Heck, some parents subject their kids to names like Hapfordington.*

Really, people, if you are so stuck for a name that you're considering taking one you've seen someone else using, there are plenty of other ways to come up with one. *stage whispers* Writer's Home! And please, don't name characters after the ingredients listed in food. Seeing a character ( a long time ago) named  Calcium Disodium Edta, and then noticing that listed in the nutrition facts on my mayonnaise jar was sort of freaky.**

Anyway, like many things, the name Swiftpaw can start out good and then cause indigestion, vomiting, or boredom when overused. This goes for clichés, Mountain Dew, and Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner (will my school janitor never learn?). So I urge you, people with nothing better to do than read this, be creative! Go for Fastfoot or Rapidleg! Or fool around with your own computer thesaurus. Thesaurus fuuuunn.... Ahem.
    The following is a hypothetical scenario that I dreamed up in my weird and twisted head one day.

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*A lone hare walks into a clearing.*

HARE: Hello! Any chaps or chapesses around, wot?

*Another hare walks into the clearing.*

OTHER HARE: What's your name, old bean?

HARE: Swiftpaw. How 'bout yours, wotwot?

OTHER HARE: Swiftpaw.

SWIFTPAW THE HARE: Absoballyflippinbloominlutely.....normal. It's seems like there's at least one Swiftpaw at every site on the ROC.

SWIFTPAW THE OTHER HARE: Exactly right, old chap, old thing, wot!

*An otter walks in to the clearing.*

OTTER: Hi, what's your names?

SWIFTPAW THE HARE: Swiftpaw.

SWIFTPAW THE OTHER HARE: Swiftpaw.

OTTER: Wow. How normal. I'm called Swiftpaw, too.

*A mouse walks into the clearing.*

MOUSE: Hello. My name is Swiftpaw. What's your names, friends?

SWIFTPAW THE HARE: Swiftpaw.

SWIFTPAW THE OTHER HARE: Swiftpaw, wotwotwot!

SWIFTPAW THE OTTER: Swiftpaw.

*A vole walks onto the clearing (and I become tired of typing this over and over).*

SWIFTPAW THE OTHER HARE: How ya doin', old scout?

VOLE : I'm Swiftpaw and I feel very unoriginal.

SWIFTPAW THE HARE: Same here, old bean.

SWIFTPAW THE OTHER HARE: Ditto. And how come I never get to answer first?

SWIFTPAW THE OTTER: I like sugar.

SWIFTPAW THE MOUSE: I feel like a clone.

SWIFTPAW THE VOLE: AAAAGGHH! Everywhere I go there's another Swiftpaw!! I don't even know why my parents named me that! *sobs* I mean, come on, do I look like I'm fast?

*Vole sinks to his knees and starts pounding the ground with his fists, wailing for his lolly. A motherly looking vole walks up, hands him a gigantic lemon lollipop, and forcibly hauls him out of the clearing.*

SWIFTPAW THE HARE: That chap's in a bit of a blue funk, wot?

SWIFTPAW THE MOUSE: What does that even mean?

SWIFTPAW THE HARE: Not a bloomin' clue, doncha know.

*A shrew walks into the clearing. *

SHREW: Ahoy, mateys!

SWIFTPAW THE OTTER: Please don't tell me your name is Swiftpaw.

SHREW: Well, my name used to be Bob, but I joined the Witness Protection Program and they changed my name to Swiftpaw.

SWIFTPAW THE OTHER HARE: Okay, this is just getting stupid.

* A badger walks up, followed by a sea otter, a hedgehog, a ferret, a cat, a fox, and owl, a weasel, and a dragon. *

BADGER: My name is Swiftpaw.

SEA OTTER: I'm named Swiftpaw, too.

HEDGEHOG: *waves a tankard of beer* M'name's Swiftpaw, too. *staggers and hiccups*

FERRET: I'm also called Swiftpaw.

CAT: Actually, my name is Wiftpaw, but I like to be called Swiftpaw because, well, it just sounds better.

FOX: I'm also named Swiftpaw.

OWL: I'm called Swiftpaw, too. How dumb is that? I mean, I don't even have paws, and I'm still named Swiftpaw.

WEASEL: Me too. He, wait, I do too have paws!

DRAGON: I'm named Swiftpaw as well. In fact, I'm not even supposed to be in Redwall. Why am I here, anyway?

SWIFTPAW THE OTHER HARE: This is too much.

*Phantom creatures start materializing out of the trees, then fading, then coming back.*

PHANTOM CREATURES: *In spectral, hollow voices* Swiftpaw.....Swiftpaw.....Swiftpaw.....Swiftpaw....

SWIFTPAW THE HARE: *In Arby's Oven Mitt voice* WILL IT NEVER END!?!?!?!

*A lightning bolt strikes the clearing, killing all the Swiftpaws, real and phantom, and saving me from having to develop that storyline.*

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Yes, I exaggerated. I enjoy exaggerating almost as much as procrastinating. But I may have given you something to think about. Or, if you're like me, and you don't think on a regular basis, at least something to amuse you and then be immediately forgotten as you wander off chasing butterflies. Hope you enjoyed!

*I really do know someone named Hapfordington. His nickname is Happy.
**Yes, that is actually listed on my mayonnaise jar. It's a type of preservative.