What's in a Name: Real-World Names

By Spring Brookring

Hey, all! Guess what? It's summer! Yay! *runs around in circles ecstatically* Summer is here, school is out, small flying loons are painting fences, and the next issue of Yn Nor is up!

This month's What's in a Name whines and moans about real-world names in unreal-world role-plays or stories. For an example, let's use that common and simple moniker, Bob. Now, let's play pretend. Goody! Let's pretend Bob is a dark brown mouse of medium height who likes poker, cherry tarts, and fine wines. Bob also lives in one of the third-floor dormitories in Redwall Abbey and wants to be Abbey champion someday. And that's where the problem begins. If Bob were just a dark brown mouse of medium height who liked poker, cherry tarts, and fine wines, and lived in the real world, things would be fine. But as soon as you put Bob in Redwall, his way-over-clichéd name becomes a dilemma.

Bob is a very nice name, if not somewhat boring, but it doesn't belong in Redwall. You see, Redwall is an entirely different universe from the world we live in most of the time (shocking, I know), and therefore has different Name Rules. Unfortunately, these Name Rules being so dull, time-consuming, pointless, and otherwise unworthy of memorization, I have forgotten them. Never mind.

Pretend that you met someone new whose name was Sarsaparilla. Your first reaction would be something along the lines of, "What the heck kind of name is that?!?" even if you didn't voice that thought aloud. Next would be, "Is sarsaparilla a plant or herb or something?" You would go home nonplussed, wondering what kind of parents would subject their kid to a name so weird.

Now let's go back to Bob, the dark brown mouse of medium height who likes poker, cherry tarts, and fine wines. Pretend it's his first day at Redwall Abbey. He knocks on the door, the Gatekeeper (whose name is Kelivan) opens it, and says, "Welcome, traveler! Who are you?" Bob replies simply, "I'm Bob." Gatekeeper's first thought: "What the heck kind of name is that?!?" Gatekeeper's next thought: "Does he mean bob up and down like when you float in water?" After Bob is inside, the Gatekeeper goes back to the Gatehouse nonplussed, wondering what kind of parents would give their kid a name as weird as Bob.

You see? Bob and Sarsaparilla are alienated from their first days on, probably doomed to become petty criminals and delinquents, all because of their out-of-place names. *sniffs* Also, naming your fantasy characters with real-world names reflects on you in a bad way. It can make it seem like you're too lazy to make up a fitting name, too stupid to realize that this is a fantasy role-play, or so whacked on sugar and caffeine that you got RPs mixed up.

Other fantasy has the same rules as Redwall. What if, in Lord of the Rings, Legolas was named Bob instead? Same problem. Fantasy is not the real world (thank goodness); therefore, fantasy characters should not have real-world names. Besides, half the fun of creating a character is making up an interesting, original name. Emphasis on ORIGINAL; Bob definitely doesn't qualify.

For the sake of extending this article, and because I feel like it, here are some more scenarios to avoid:

"Hi, I'm Harry Potter the squirrel." *gags* Definitely a no-no. Do not, under any circumstances, use a name from a different book/series/world.

"Hi, my name is Apple." Yuck. This also goes for "Walnut," "Paint," "Rock," and, well, you get the picture. It's fine to name a fantasy character (especially in Redwall) after an herb or plant, such as "Valerian" or "Petunia," but let's not get too obvious. I mean, come on, apple?

"Hi, I'm Elf the elf." *retches* Again, people, there is such a thing as way too obvious. Look up the word subtle in the dictionary if you have to.

"Hi, I'm Elf the goblin." No. Dumb and lazy. Just don't. *coughs* Exception: you feel like making the character's life miserable and/or you're doing it for laughs.

"Hi, my name is Bob."

"Aren't you a girl?"

"Well, yes…" *sighs wearily* Please, everyone, make male/female names distinguishable if the character is going to have a moderately important role. Androgynous names or names that could go either way, like Sandy or Jesse or even Charlie, are great (especially if the character has a decidedly feminine or masculine middle name, like Charlie Marie). Boys named Nancy and girls named Bill aren't so great. Of course, if the character is in disguise as the opposite gender, give them an appropriate name. *pauses* Wow, that was random. You probably didn't need me to tell you that, did you?

Now, the question that is probably on the tip of everyone's tongue (if it's not, just pretend): What about Martin?! I'm referring to Martin the Warrior from Redwall. If you don't know who he is, shame on you! Anyway, Martin is a real-world name. Yet, Martin lives in Redwall. Do I have an explanation? Not really. But Martin was first created in the earliest Redwall book, Redwall. Brain Jacques probably wasn't set in his naming methods, because in that book there is also a Tim, a Sam, and a Winifred. Things changed as BJ wrote the other books, because the real-world names disappeared, replaced by fantasy names. No one is perfect, obviously (with the exception of The Pineapple), and in this case, change was good. *stops self from rambling* Ahem.

So, boys and girls, have we learned our lesson? Say it with me, class! Real-world names don't belong in unreal worlds! Very good! I'm done rambling here, so you can leave, if you haven't already. See you next month with a whole new What's in a Name! *crowd boos* Yum, rotten tomatoes!