What's in
a Name: Real-World Names
By Spring Brookring
Hey, all! Guess what? It's summer! Yay! *runs around in
circles ecstatically* Summer is here, school is out, small flying loons are
painting fences, and the next issue of Yn Nor is up!
This month's What's in a Name whines and moans about
real-world names in unreal-world role-plays or stories. For an example, let's
use that common and simple moniker, Bob. Now, let's play pretend. Goody! Let's
pretend Bob is a dark brown mouse of medium height who likes poker, cherry
tarts, and fine wines. Bob also lives in one of the third-floor dormitories in
Redwall Abbey and wants to be Abbey champion someday. And that's where the
problem begins. If Bob were just a dark brown mouse of medium height who liked
poker, cherry tarts, and fine wines, and lived in the real world, things would
be fine. But as soon as you put Bob in Redwall, his way-over-clichéd name
becomes a dilemma.
Bob is a very nice name, if not somewhat boring, but it
doesn't belong in Redwall. You see, Redwall is an entirely different universe
from the world we live in most of the time (shocking, I know), and therefore
has different Name Rules. Unfortunately, these Name Rules being so dull,
time-consuming, pointless, and otherwise unworthy of memorization, I have
forgotten them. Never mind.
Pretend that you met someone new whose name was
Sarsaparilla. Your first reaction would be something along the lines of,
"What the heck kind of name is that?!?" even if you didn't voice that
thought aloud. Next would be, "Is sarsaparilla a plant or herb or
something?" You would go home nonplussed, wondering what kind of parents
would subject their kid to a name so weird.
Now let's go back to Bob, the dark brown mouse of medium
height who likes poker, cherry tarts, and fine wines. Pretend it's his first day at Redwall Abbey.
He knocks on the door, the Gatekeeper (whose name is Kelivan) opens it, and
says, "Welcome, traveler! Who are you?" Bob replies simply, "I'm
Bob." Gatekeeper's first thought: "What the heck kind of name is
that?!?" Gatekeeper's next thought: "Does he mean bob up and down
like when you float in water?" After Bob is inside, the Gatekeeper goes
back to the Gatehouse nonplussed, wondering what kind of parents would give
their kid a name as weird as Bob.
You see? Bob and Sarsaparilla are alienated from their first
days on, probably doomed to become petty criminals and delinquents, all because
of their out-of-place names. *sniffs* Also, naming your fantasy characters
with real-world names reflects on you in a bad way. It can make it seem like
you're too lazy to make up a fitting name, too stupid to realize that this is a
fantasy role-play, or so whacked on
sugar and caffeine that you got RPs mixed up.
Other fantasy has the same rules as Redwall. What if, in
Lord of the Rings, Legolas was named Bob instead? Same problem. Fantasy is not
the real world (thank goodness); therefore, fantasy characters should not have
real-world names. Besides, half the fun of creating a character is making up an
interesting, original name. Emphasis on ORIGINAL; Bob definitely doesn't
qualify.
For the sake of extending this article, and because I feel
like it, here are some more scenarios to avoid:
"Hi, I'm Harry Potter the squirrel." *gags*
Definitely a no-no. Do not, under any circumstances, use a name from a
different book/series/world.
"Hi, my name is Apple." Yuck. This also goes for
"Walnut," "Paint," "Rock," and, well, you get the
picture. It's fine to name a fantasy character (especially in Redwall) after an
herb or plant, such as "Valerian" or "Petunia," but let's
not get too obvious. I mean, come on, apple?
"Hi, I'm Elf the elf." *retches* Again, people,
there is such a thing as way too obvious. Look up the word subtle in the
dictionary if you have to.
"Hi, I'm Elf the goblin." No. Dumb and lazy. Just
don't. *coughs* Exception: you feel like making the character's life miserable
and/or you're doing it for laughs.
"Hi, my name is Bob."
"Aren't you a girl?"
"Well, yes…" *sighs wearily* Please, everyone, make
male/female names distinguishable if the character is going to have a
moderately important role. Androgynous names or names that could go either way,
like Sandy or Jesse or even Charlie, are great (especially if the character has
a decidedly feminine or masculine middle name, like Charlie Marie). Boys named
Now, the question that is probably on the tip of everyone's
tongue (if it's not, just pretend): What about Martin?! I'm referring to Martin
the Warrior from Redwall. If you don't know who he is, shame on you! Anyway,
Martin is a real-world name. Yet, Martin lives in Redwall. Do I have an
explanation? Not really. But Martin was first created in the earliest Redwall
book, Redwall. Brain Jacques probably
wasn't set in his naming methods, because in that book there is also a Tim, a
Sam, and a Winifred. Things changed as BJ wrote the other books, because the
real-world names disappeared, replaced by fantasy names. No one is perfect,
obviously (with the exception of The Pineapple), and in this case, change was
good. *stops self from rambling* Ahem.
So, boys and girls, have we learned our lesson? Say it with
me, class! Real-world names don't belong in unreal worlds! Very good! I'm done
rambling here, so you can leave, if you haven't already. See you next month
with a whole new What's in a Name! *crowd boos* Yum, rotten tomatoes!