How to Defeat an Evil Horde Leader in Five Easy Steps

By Spring Brookring

1. Carefully study the vermin horde's movements over a period of a few months. This makes you look cautious, intelligent, and observant. If you get bored, you can always play with a nifty cool magnifying glass while pretending to examine their paw prints.

2. Invite the horde leader and his/her horde, as well as some of your friends and acquaintances, over for a hotdog barbecue in your backyard. Then, don't give the vermin any relish. Once they find out they're not getting any relish, they'll surrender immediately.

3. If the no-relish plan doesn't work (there's a .5% success rate—it's been increasing!), you'll have to take some slightly more drastic steps. Gather together your army of goodbeasts and give them an extreme makeover. Send them all to a gym to work out. Tattoo skulls and crossbones on their biceps. Have them all wear red contact lenses and make them eat those cherry-flavored fake blood capsules. Give each goodbeast a Badger Lord-sized broadsword. Don't worry if they can't pick the weapons up; those swords still look plenty sharp and intimidating lying on the ground. All this should result in a fierce, slightly mad-looking army that appears to have had far too much caffeine and far too little sleep. Remember, a scared enemy is—is—darn it, I forgot. Something relevant, I'm sure.

4. Lure the evil horde leader into your clutches using a giant mousetrap baited either with cheese or a Mega-Man action figure. Once you have them trapped, lock them in a small room. Here you have a few options:

Make them watch Martha Stewart tapes over and over until they commit suicide.

Ship them via airmail to Sampetra. Don't forget to put air holes in the box!

Keep them locked up and beat them with a Flexi-Ruler whenever you need some fun. Flexi-Rulers don't really hurt, and they come in cool colors!

5. Get together your army of goodbeasts and just storm the horde leader's castle/fortress already! You could have done that in the first place, and then you wouldn't have had to tax your undoubtedly already overworked brain with reading this! But noooo, you just had to read it, and now you've made me feel guilty because it was a was a waste of your time…oh, look, something shiny! *wanders off* Good luck defeating that evil horde leader.