A Meeting
of the Vermin Club
By Spring Brookring
Begin meeting record in a shabby
hotel conference room.
Emperor
Ublaz: *Bangs a ladle on the table* Order! ORDER! I SAID, the meeting has come to ORD---
Swartt
Sixclaw: Hey, where's the big gavel thing?
Ublaz: Oh,
I, um, temporarily misplaced it.
Swartt: And
all you could find was a ladle?
Ublaz: NO,
I also found a candy cane, but Sawney Rath ate it.
Sawney:
What candy cane? *And audible crunch is heard under the table.*
Ublaz: As I
was saying, this meeting of the Vermin Club has officially come to order at *he
glances at the clock*
Tsarmina:
Hey, Ublaz, that clock stopped last night. It's not
Ublaz:
*rolls eyes* Well, does anybeast have a watch or something?
Ferhago:
Mine says
Badrang:
You idiot! You're reading it upside down! It says
Ferhago:
Nuh-uh!
Badrang:
Yeah-huh!
Ferhago:
Nuh-uh!
Badrang:
Yeah-huh! Gimme that watch!
*A small
scuffle breaks out*
Tsarmina: I
knew
Ublaz: Shut
up.
Tsarmina:
*Sticks tongue out* I'm the secretary. I don't have to shut up.
*Badrang
and Ferhago emerge from the fight.*
Ublaz: So,
what time is it?
Badrang: I
don't know! He broke the watch!
Ferhago: I
did not!
Badrang:
Did too!
Ferhago:
Did not!
Badrang:
Did too!
Badrang:
Make me!
Ferhago:
Nyerk!
Ublaz:
Tsarmina, just write down that the meeting was called to order at either
Tsarmina:
Water? Where? AAAIIIEEE!!!!!
Ublaz: Okay
then. Now that we've officially figured out what time we think it is, let's all
say the pledge.
Everyone: I
am a vermin. I can even spell vermin: V-U-R-M-I-N. And, as a vermin, I will always
be loyal to my fellow vermin, unless I am betraying them or stabbing them in
the back for my own advancement. *severe pronunciation problems are noted at
"advancement"*
Sawney:
Hey, I was right! We’re spelling "vermin" wrong! It's V-I-R, not
V-U-R! I looked it up in a dikshunayree.
Tsarmina:
Where'd you get a dictionary?
Sawney: The
FedEx guy left it behind.
Ublaz:
Alright! We'll change the stupid pledge! Now, who's missing?
Tsarmina:
Urgan Nagru.
Voice in
the back: No, I'm here.
Ublaz:
Where?
Voice in
the back: Here.
Ublaz: You
mean over there?
Voice in
the back: No, right here, dumbhead!
Ublaz:
*exasperated* Where?! Raise your paw or something!
Voice in
the back: No.
Ublaz:
Fine! Just mark Urgan Nagru as half absent. Anyone else
missing?
Badrang:
Vilu Daskar. They're still digging him out of that mudpit he fell into last season.
Badrang:
They're not in a big hurry. They've been eating their way through his chocolate
covered cherry collection.
Ublaz: Who
else is missing? Anyone?
Swartt: Me.
Ublaz:
You're right there!
Swartt: No,
Me's missing. Me, my pet killer
tarantula.
*There is a
round of screaming and general scrambling onto chairs and tables.*
Swartt: Me?
Me? Where are you, Me?
Ferhago:
Hey, is he that funny-looking black squished thing on my chair?
Swartt: YOU
SAT ON HIM?!?!?!
Ferhago: I
couldn't feel anything 'cause something bit me really hard on the leg.
Swartt: You
mean he bit you? His venom's really poisonous--!
Ferhago: *Chokes,
turns blue, and inflates like a balloon* Gaahh! I'm a blueberry!
Swartt: Oh,
plus he has blue food coloring on his fangs.
Ublaz:
*rubs temples* Someone just get him out of here.
Swartt:
*rolls Ferhago out the door, singing* Oompa, loompa, doompady doo…
Ublaz: OK,
moving on. Will the secretary please read the previous minutes?
Tsarmina:
There aren't any.
Ublaz:
Well, why not?! You're the secretary! You're supposed to take minutes!
Tsarmina: I
refuse to answer until I speak to my lawyer.
Swartt:
*comes back in* She fed them to her Venus fly trap.
Tsarmina:
Shut up!
Sawney: Why
are they called minutes, anyway? It's confusing. I move that we rename the minutes
"dookles."
Sawney: All
in favor say "Aye!”
Ublaz: Hey,
I'm the one who says that!
All: Aye!
Ublaz:
*puts head in hands* Fine. Just don't forget the dookles next time. Moving on!
Treasurer's report!
Damug
Warfang: We don't have any money.
Ublaz: Okay,
okay! We can do without a treasurer. But we need money. Someone go rob a bank
or something.
Ungatt
Trunn: I'll go!
Urgan
Nagru: Me too!
Ublaz:
You're not here.
Nagru:
Darn, I forgot.
Princess
Kurda: I'll go vitt dem, yarr.
*Trunn,
Kurda, and the non-existent Nagru leave*
Ublaz: Next
item…new business. Does the Hares Are Stupid, Ferrets Are Cool committee have a
report?
Swartt:
Ferhago wrote it on the inside of his tunic. Skip it.
Ublaz:
Well, how about the Haires and Ferrits Are Stoopid, Stoats Are Kewl committee?
Badrang:
Yeah. Uh, lemme see. Someone else wrote it. *reads* "We have discovered
that neither ferrets nor hares can fly off cliffs, while stoats can."
Swartt:
That's not true! Ferrets can too fly off cliffs!
Badrang:
Nuh-uh! We did a si-untifik study!
Swartt:
Yeah-huh!
Badrang:
Nuh-uh!
Ublaz:
*Bangs ladle* Shut up! Hey, look, there's dried apple crumble on here! *starts
licking*
*Trunn,
Kurda, and non-existent Nagru walk in.*
Trunn: We
couldn't find a bank, but we did rob that ice cream shop across the street.
Kurda:
Yarr.
*A wild
stampede through the door ensues.*
Ublaz: *to
empty room* This meeting is officially adjourned at
either
Voice in
the back: Bring me ice cream.
End meeting record.