A Meeting of the Vermin Club

By Spring Brookring

 

Begin meeting record in a shabby hotel conference room.

 

Emperor Ublaz: *Bangs a ladle on the table* Order! ORDER! I SAID, the meeting has come to ORD---

 

Swartt Sixclaw: Hey, where's the big gavel thing?

 

Ublaz: Oh, I, um, temporarily misplaced it.

 

Swartt: And all you could find was a ladle?

 

Ublaz: NO, I also found a candy cane, but Sawney Rath ate it.

 

Sawney: What candy cane? *And audible crunch is heard under the table.*

 

Ublaz: As I was saying, this meeting of the Vermin Club has officially come to order at *he glances at the clock* 1:15 am.

 

Tsarmina: Hey, Ublaz, that clock stopped last night. It's not 1:15.

 

Ublaz: *rolls eyes* Well, does anybeast have a watch or something?

 

Ferhago: Mine says 6:11 am.

 

Badrang: You idiot! You're reading it upside down! It says 1:19 am!

 

Ferhago: Nuh-uh!

 

Badrang: Yeah-huh!

 

Ferhago: Nuh-uh!

 

Badrang: Yeah-huh! Gimme that watch!

 

*A small scuffle breaks out*

 

Tsarmina: I knew 1:15 was too early. 1:19 sounds about right.

 

Ublaz: Shut up.

 

Tsarmina: *Sticks tongue out* I'm the secretary. I don't have to shut up.

 

*Badrang and Ferhago emerge from the fight.*

 

Ublaz: So, what time is it?

 

Badrang: I don't know! He broke the watch!

 

Ferhago: I did not!

 

Badrang: Did too!

 

Ferhago: Did not!

 

Badrang: Did too!

 

Cluny: Shut up!

 

Badrang: Make me!

 

Ferhago: Nyerk!

 

Ublaz: Tsarmina, just write down that the meeting was called to order at either 1:15, 1:19, or 6:11. Hey, Ferhago, was your watch waterproof?

 

Tsarmina: Water? Where? AAAIIIEEE!!!!!

 

Ublaz: Okay then. Now that we've officially figured out what time we think it is, let's all say the pledge.

 

Everyone: I am a vermin. I can even spell vermin: V-U-R-M-I-N. And, as a vermin, I will always be loyal to my fellow vermin, unless I am betraying them or stabbing them in the back for my own advancement. *severe pronunciation problems are noted at "advancement"*

 

Sawney: Hey, I was right! We’re spelling "vermin" wrong! It's V-I-R, not V-U-R! I looked it up in a dikshunayree.

 

Tsarmina: Where'd you get a dictionary?

 

Sawney: The FedEx guy left it behind.

 

Ublaz: Alright! We'll change the stupid pledge! Now, who's missing?

 

Tsarmina: Urgan Nagru.

 

Voice in the back: No, I'm here.

 

Ublaz: Where?

 

Voice in the back: Here.

 

Ublaz: You mean over there?

 

Voice in the back: No, right here, dumbhead!

 

Ublaz: *exasperated* Where?! Raise your paw or something!

 

Voice in the back: No.

 

Ublaz: Fine! Just mark Urgan Nagru as half absent. Anyone else missing?

 

Badrang: Vilu Daskar. They're still digging him out of that mudpit he fell into last season.

 

Cluny: Still?

 

Badrang: They're not in a big hurry. They've been eating their way through his chocolate covered cherry collection.

 

Ublaz: Who else is missing? Anyone?

 

Swartt: Me.

 

Ublaz: You're right there!

 

Swartt: No, Me's missing. Me, my pet killer tarantula.

 

*There is a round of screaming and general scrambling onto chairs and tables.*

 

Swartt: Me? Me? Where are you, Me?

 

Ferhago: Hey, is he that funny-looking black squished thing on my chair?

 

Swartt: YOU SAT ON HIM?!?!?!

 

Ferhago: I couldn't feel anything 'cause something bit me really hard on the leg.

 

Swartt: You mean he bit you? His venom's really poisonous--!

 

Ferhago: *Chokes, turns blue, and inflates like a balloon* Gaahh! I'm a blueberry!

 

Swartt: Oh, plus he has blue food coloring on his fangs.

 

Ublaz: *rubs temples* Someone just get him out of here.

 

Swartt: *rolls Ferhago out the door, singing* Oompa, loompa, doompady doo…

 

Cluny: Can we hurry up?

 

Ublaz: OK, moving on. Will the secretary please read the previous minutes?

 

Tsarmina: There aren't any.

 

Ublaz: Well, why not?! You're the secretary! You're supposed to take minutes!

 

Tsarmina: I refuse to answer until I speak to my lawyer.

 

Swartt: *comes back in* She fed them to her Venus fly trap.

 

Tsarmina: Shut up!

 

Sawney: Why are they called minutes, anyway? It's confusing. I move that we rename the minutes "dookles."

 

Cluny: I second that motion!

 

Sawney: All in favor say "Aye!”

 

Ublaz: Hey, I'm the one who says that!

 

All: Aye!

 

Ublaz: *puts head in hands* Fine. Just don't forget the dookles next time. Moving on! Treasurer's report!

 

Damug Warfang: We don't have any money.

 

Cluny: We don't even technically have a treasurer.

 

Ublaz: Okay, okay! We can do without a treasurer. But we need money. Someone go rob a bank or something.

 

Ungatt Trunn: I'll go!

 

Urgan Nagru: Me too!

 

Ublaz: You're not here.

 

Nagru: Darn, I forgot.

 

Princess Kurda: I'll go vitt dem, yarr.

 

*Trunn, Kurda, and the non-existent Nagru leave*

 

Ublaz: Next item…new business. Does the Hares Are Stupid, Ferrets Are Cool committee have a report?

 

Swartt: Ferhago wrote it on the inside of his tunic. Skip it.

 

Ublaz: Well, how about the Haires and Ferrits Are Stoopid, Stoats Are Kewl committee?

 

Badrang: Yeah. Uh, lemme see. Someone else wrote it. *reads* "We have discovered that neither ferrets nor hares can fly off cliffs, while stoats can."

 

Swartt: That's not true! Ferrets can too fly off cliffs!

 

Badrang: Nuh-uh! We did a si-untifik study!

 

Swartt: Yeah-huh!

 

Badrang: Nuh-uh!

 

Ublaz: *Bangs ladle* Shut up! Hey, look, there's dried apple crumble on here! *starts licking*

 

*Trunn, Kurda, and non-existent Nagru walk in.*

 

Trunn: We couldn't find a bank, but we did rob that ice cream shop across the street.

 

Kurda: Yarr.

 

Cluny: Ice cream! Yum!

 

*A wild stampede through the door ensues.*

 

Ublaz: *to empty room* This meeting is officially adjourned at either 2:15, 2:19, or 8:11.

 

Voice in the back: Bring me ice cream.

 

End meeting record.