What's In a Name: Multiple Monikers

By Spring Brookring

Hello, chaps and chapesses, it's me, your favorite insane otter, bringing you more monthly randomness on the subject of names! Yay! To start with, no one guessed who Torleep was. This might have been due to any number of things, like the forum switch, lack of interest, or small, spongy green aliens. Just so you don't die of suspense, Torleep was a hare from Lord Brocktree. Kind of disappointing, huh?

Anyway, this month's topic is “grumpiness directed at people who cut ahead of you in the grocery store check-out line”. Just kidding. I'm really growling at characters with multiple last names. By multiple, I don't mean two or even three. No, I mean those people who seem to find it amusing to give their characters six or seven long, unpronounceable last names and watch the rest of us stumble while reading them. Can't you just see their evil leers as others make a mess out of saying Julipernon Valkarian Leaftwitter Alescolely Clockovertiff Sninnipinip?

And it must get real depressing for the character. I mean, every time they meet someone new, they have to walk up and go, "Hi, my name is Julipernon Valkarian Leaftwitter Alescolely Clockovertiff Sninnipinip. How are you?" If the creature Julipernon is talking to has a short attention span, they may very well wander off somewhere around "Alescolely." By the end of the day Julipernon will be saying his/her/its name with the kind of smile you use while thanking the dentist for drilling your teeth. Soon, other beasts will just give up and simply refer to poor Julipernon as "Hey, you" or "donut-head." This is probably the number one leading reason people get their names legally changed.

Occasionally, Brian Jacques has been known to use multiple monikers in the Redwall books. Well, more than occasionally. But who's counting? Mostly, the creatures with the ridiculously long names are hares. For example, Dorthea Duckfontein Dillworthy, or Dotti, was manageable. Beauclair Fethringsol Cosfortingham, or Beau, was a challenge. But Boorab's name was probably created when BJ was suffering from a migraine and wished to induce them in the rest of us. Boorab is actually an acronym for Bellscut Oglecrop Obrathon Ragglewaithe Adube Baggscut. Aaannd…here comes the headache, right on schedule. Take two aspirin and then resume reading. BJ must have done the same thing; since he made Boorab's full name into a comparatively easy acronym, we can only assume that he took a miracle cure or watched a small wind-up toy being set on fire and was cured of his headache.

Alas, such a solution is not an option for poor Julipernon. An acronym like Jvlacs is almost worse. For one thing, it's unpronounceable. Well, duh. Like you needed me to point that out.

On the other side of the argument, there are plenty of good excuses. You came up with lots of good names you like, and you can't pick just one. You'll be using the character for comic relief and want to have something to make fun of. You had too much coffee. You didn't have enough coffee. You are evil and sadistic and wish to inflict skull-splitting headaches and much confoozlement on the rest of us. All are excellent and valid reasons, but the fact remains: six or seven names can get real tiring real fast, especially if the character doesn't have a nickname.

I don't know about you, but I have really limited memory capabilities. I can barely remember my own name sometimes. I certainly won't be able to keep track of even three characters with five or six names. Six times three is eighteen. Eighteen names that don't even belong to the same character. The power of math astounds me. Of course, you can remember the name of your character, but not everyone else can. Soon it will go something like:

Role-player #1: Bob walked over to Julipernon Valkarian Leaf-thingy. "Hi, Julipernon Idon'tknowtherestofyourname, want some cheese?"

And things could get worse. Eventually, something like this might happen:

"Hey, donut-head!"

"My name is Julipernon Valkarian Leaftwitter Alescolely Clockovertiff Sninnipinip!"

"Yeah, you! Donut-head!"

"I told you, it's Julipernon Valkarian---"

"Ah! Stop saying that! You're making my head hurt!"

"My name is not donut-head! It's Julipernon Valkarian Leaftwitter Ales---"

"Aagghh! Headache! The ears, they burn! Stop, it donut-head!"

And, since I'm on a roll here, I'll illustrate another exaggerated point:

"Hey, you what's your name again?"

"Julipernon Valkarian Leaftwitter Alescolely---"

"Hey, look at that! Oh, I'm sorry. Were you done yet? My mom says I have the attention span of a---Wow, look at those flowers!"

Catch my drift? Probably not, because I don't think there is one. Unless you're hanging on to an invisible drift out there somewhere. What is a drift, anyway? *attention wanders* Ahem. Now, to summarize this article for those of you with blissfully short attention spans or short-term memory loss: don't cut in front of people in grocery store check-out lines, don't give your characters eighteen thousand last names, no matter what BJ does, and give all those people who do a stern talking-to accompanied by a severe finger-wagging. Oh, and watch out for those small, spongy green aliens. They're harmless unless they catch sight of your nose. Ciao! (I learned Italian yesterday. *is proud of self*)