What's In
a Name: Multiple Monikers
By Spring Brookring
Hello, chaps and chapesses, it's
me, your favorite insane otter, bringing you more monthly randomness on the
subject of names! Yay! To start with, no one guessed who Torleep was. This
might have been due to any number of things, like the forum switch, lack of
interest, or small, spongy green aliens. Just so you don't die of suspense,
Torleep was a hare from Lord Brocktree. Kind of
disappointing, huh?
Anyway, this month's topic is “grumpiness
directed at people who cut ahead of you in the grocery store check-out line”. Just kidding. I'm really growling at characters with
multiple last names. By multiple, I don't mean two or even three. No, I mean
those people who seem to find it amusing to give their characters six or seven
long, unpronounceable last names and watch the rest of us stumble while reading
them. Can't you just see their evil leers as others make a mess out of saying
Julipernon Valkarian Leaftwitter Alescolely Clockovertiff Sninnipinip?
And it must get real depressing
for the character. I mean, every time they meet someone new, they have to walk
up and go, "Hi, my name is Julipernon Valkarian Leaftwitter Alescolely
Clockovertiff Sninnipinip. How are you?" If the creature Julipernon is
talking to has a short attention span, they may very well wander off somewhere
around "Alescolely." By the end of the day Julipernon will be saying
his/her/its name with the kind of smile you use while thanking the dentist for
drilling your teeth. Soon, other beasts will just give up and simply refer to
poor Julipernon as "Hey, you" or "donut-head." This is
probably the number one leading reason people get their names legally changed.
Occasionally, Brian Jacques has
been known to use multiple monikers in the Redwall books. Well, more than
occasionally. But who's counting? Mostly, the creatures with the ridiculously
long names are hares. For example, Dorthea Duckfontein Dillworthy, or Dotti,
was manageable. Beauclair Fethringsol Cosfortingham, or Beau, was a challenge.
But Boorab's name was probably created when BJ was suffering from a migraine
and wished to induce them in the rest of us. Boorab is actually an acronym for
Bellscut Oglecrop Obrathon Ragglewaithe Adube Baggscut. Aaannd…here comes the
headache, right on schedule. Take two aspirin and then resume reading. BJ must
have done the same thing; since he made Boorab's full name into a comparatively
easy acronym, we can only assume that he took a miracle cure or watched a small
wind-up toy being set on fire and was cured of his headache.
Alas, such a solution is not an
option for poor Julipernon. An acronym like Jvlacs is almost worse. For one
thing, it's unpronounceable. Well, duh. Like you needed me to
point that out.
On the other side of the argument,
there are plenty of good excuses. You came up with lots of good names you like,
and you can't pick just one. You'll be using the character for comic relief and
want to have something to make fun of. You had too much coffee. You didn't have
enough coffee. You are evil and sadistic and wish to inflict skull-splitting
headaches and much confoozlement on the rest of us. All are excellent and valid
reasons, but the fact remains: six or seven names can get real tiring real
fast, especially if the character doesn't have a nickname.
I don't know about you, but I have
really limited memory capabilities. I can barely remember my own name
sometimes. I certainly won't be able to keep track of even three characters
with five or six names. Six times three is eighteen. Eighteen
names that don't even belong to the same character. The power of math
astounds me. Of course, you can remember the name of your character, but not
everyone else can. Soon it will go something like:
Role-player #1: Bob walked over to
Julipernon Valkarian Leaf-thingy. "Hi, Julipernon Idon'tknowtherestofyourname,
want some cheese?"
And things could get worse.
Eventually, something like this might happen:
"Hey,
donut-head!"
"My name is Julipernon
Valkarian Leaftwitter Alescolely Clockovertiff Sninnipinip!"
"Yeah,
you! Donut-head!"
"I told you, it's Julipernon
Valkarian---"
"Ah! Stop saying that! You're
making my head hurt!"
"My name is not donut-head!
It's Julipernon Valkarian Leaftwitter Ales---"
"Aagghh! Headache!
The ears, they burn! Stop, it donut-head!"
And, since I'm on a roll here,
I'll illustrate another exaggerated point:
"Hey, you what's your name
again?"
"Julipernon Valkarian
Leaftwitter Alescolely---"
"Hey, look at that! Oh, I'm
sorry. Were you done yet? My mom says I have the attention span of a---Wow,
look at those flowers!"
Catch my drift? Probably not,
because I don't think there is one. Unless you're hanging on to an invisible
drift out there somewhere. What is a drift, anyway? *attention wanders* Ahem.
Now, to summarize this article for those of you with blissfully short attention
spans or short-term memory loss: don't cut in front of people in grocery store
check-out lines, don't give your characters eighteen thousand last names, no
matter what BJ does, and give all those people who do a stern talking-to
accompanied by a severe finger-wagging. Oh, and watch out for those small,
spongy green aliens. They're harmless unless they catch sight of your nose.
Ciao! (I learned Italian yesterday. *is proud of self*)