The Redwall Action Hero's Handbook

By Spring Brookring

This article was inspired by two actual books I saw, entitled The Action Hero's Handbook and The Action Heroine's Handbook.

Are you constantly getting into adventures and scrapes? Are you always the super hero who saves the day? This article is designed to tell you everything you need to know to be a real live Redwall Action Hero.

1. How to acquire a legendary sword:

This one is a must; every Redwall Action Hero needs their very own legendary sword. However, most legendary swords don't appear out of thin air. Try snooping around in some odd places, like weather vanes, tombs, abandoned castles, and plumbing. If you become discouraged in your search, just pilfer one from a museum. I mean, if it's in a museum, it must be legendary, right?

2. How to find an archenemy:

No Redwall Action Hero is complete without a villainous archenemy! To find the perfect archenemy for you, run a background check on all the local vermin. Take strength, personality, goals, and intelligence into careful consideration. Just starting out? You may want to try an average, thicker-than-mud horde beast. Physical strength isn't your strong suit? We suggest you swear vengeance on a sly, but rather wimpy type of vermin. If you're having difficulty, try the Help Wanted ads in the newspaper. You never know where you'll find the perfect archenemy.

3. How to brag:

Every Redwall Action Hero needs to let the world know how brave they are. This is best accomplished by telling long, boastful tales about your triumphs to enraptured audiences. The key here is triumphs. Do not, repeat, do not expound on your errors. That scar on your paw? Oh, you got that when ten rats cornered you and were going to slit your throat. But you, resourceful and brave Action Hero, fought your way out of it tooth and nail, retrieved your legendary sword, and hacked them all to bits. That's how you got that scar, not when Billy the stoat bully beat you up in kindergarten. And remember, always exaggerate your feats. Barely made it out of that blizzard alive? No! You were determinedly tracking a dastardly villain in the North Mountains, but got frostbite when two score feral rats stole your blankets. See what I'm getting at, here? All heroes must brag to let the world know the extent of their courage. It's, like, a law somewhere.

4. How to walk like a warrior:

Have you ever seen a seasoned warrior sauntering by? A Redwall Action Hero doesn't walk, my friend, no! An Action Hero swaggers jauntily along, apparently carefree and confident. Stand up straight, throw your shoulders back, puff your chest out, suck your stomach in, tilt your chin up, swing your arms, and take long, purposeful strides. Use a swirly cloak for dramatic effect, especially when turning about or rounding corners. Be sure to swirl the cloak just right to reveal the shiny, intimidating legendary sword at your side. This process is known as the Warrior's Walk. Oh, and don't trip. Action Heroes just don't. Remember, you may talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?

5. How to deliver an ultimatum:

There may come a time in every Action Hero's career when it is necessary to deliver an ultimatum to some doomed wildcat queen in her castle. Or any vermin cad, really. Assemble a good-sized group of your largest, strongest friends. Bring lots of shiny weapons and armor. Swagger bravely into earshot of the enemy using the Warrior's Walk (discussed earlier). Be sure that the receivers of the ultimatum get a good look at your gleaming legendary sword and swirly cloak. Scowl seriously and speak in a deep, authoritative, voice. To be certain even the occasional not-too-bright or hearing-impaired horde leader gets the message, make the ultimatum simple, clear, and loud. Swagger up and down, keep scowling, and make lots of threatening hand gestures. You don't want any confusion.

6. How to escape from old, crumbling, dungeons:

Use your handy-dandy hidden dagger to pick the lock on the door. In the rare instance of a bolt instead of a lock, cut through the door hinges (which will almost certainly be either rusty or wooden) with the handy-dandy dagger and fight your way out from there. Really, compared to walking like a warrior, this one isn't actually all that hard.

7. How to exact revenge on all vermin:

This is a critical step for all Redwall Action Heroes. We suggest you start locally. Check the phone book. Track down all vermin and make them apologize on bended knee by brandishing your shining legendary sword. We realize this may be very tough mentally on a Redwall Action Hero. While those pitiful vermin whine and cringe on the floor, remember what Billy the stoat bully did to your pet caterpillar in kindergarten.

8. How to defeat several large adders at once:

This one's a little tougher. Which basically means we have no clue. We suggest you ask a real Redwall Action Hero, such as Matthias, instead of some insane Washington otter who's had far too much sugar. Other than that, you're on your own.

9. How to dream about mystical deceased warriors:

If you, occasionally, as a Redwall Action Hero, find yourself stumped about which course of action to take next, one of the easiest ways to get advice is to dream about the spirits of wise, long-dead warriors. This is a somewhat random and unpredictable process, but several things will make it easier. First, before you go to sleep, meditate at length on the warrior in question. The most common one is Martin. Think about your problem, then imagine the warrior coming and waving a sword and making it all go away. Drink a few doses of Dr. Spike's Dream-Inducing Formula, then go to sleep. Beware, for the spirit may speak in strange dialects or riddles. But remember, it is always there to help you, fellow Redwall Action Hero.

10. How to convince that strange majority of the world that doesn't read Redwall that you are, indeed, a real live Redwall Action Hero:

This one may be the most daunting task of them all. But fear not, brave warrior, you are more than capable. To begin with, carefully study the steps outlined in this article and commit them to memory. The write them on edible paper and eat it. Wash it down with a few swigs of elderberry wine. Then, brave warrior, take a deep breath and step out into the non-Redwall world, armed with your legendary sword, swirly cloak, and all the Redwall books. Also nice to have along are endorsements from such renowned heroes as Martin, Deyna, and Triss, claiming that you are a true Redwall Action Hero. Wave your legendary sword around professionally and boast loudly about your feats. Explain to people what Redwall is and that you are, indeed, a real Redwall Action Hero. Then begin to swear vengeance on random vermin as they walk down the street. Sometimes, people, awestruck by your splendor, will fall to their knees in front of you. Other times they may simply laugh. But do not be discouraged, nay! Be patient. Keep insisting on your prestigious identity as Redwall Action Hero! If you do this long enough, you should earn your very own padded cell in an insane asylum somewhere. Alas, the world has no appreciation for Redwalliacs.