Triss in a Few Pages, Part 1

By Vitora

 

WARNING: If you love Redwall more than anything else and/or have not read Triss, this is not for you.  DO NOT read further.  I poke fun at Triss/the Redwall template throughout the entire piece—which is fun for those who can take it—, as well as spoil the entire novel.

 

KROOVA: This is my song: the earth is full of pretty colors, and I walked around everywhere, and then I got old, and now I wanna tell you a story.  Here it is:

 

BOOK ONE: THE TIME THAT MANY PEOPLE RAN AWAY

 

(At Riftguard…)

 

KURDA: Throw those stupid turnips, and then I’ll go see my stupid father.

 

TRISS: OK.  Oh, no, here come some guards!

 

RIFTUN: Look, stupid guys!  Some stupid slaves.  Hey, you’re in trouble, stupid squirrelmaid.  Come on!

 

(Far across the sea…)

 

APODEMUS: Isn’t Redwall great, Malbun?

 

MALBUN: Of course, great and wonderful and honorable and venerable Abbot.  Look, here come the annoying and rascally and irritating Dibbuns!

 

DIBBUNS: Berries berries berries.  Dab dab dab!

 

CRIKULUS: Losers.

 

BELLS: Time to eat, folks!

 

(Outside of the gate…)

 

BIKKLE and RUGGUM: Heck, we’re lost.

 

(At Salamandastron…)

 

HIGHTOR: They’re gone and good riddance.

 

COLONEL WHIPPSCUT: Dumb kids, never did like ‘em.

 

DUNFREDA: Waaaaaaaagh waaagh waaaagh sob sob *blows nose*!

 

HIGHTOR: Eh?

 

COLONEL WHIPPSCUT: She says I gotta go after ‘em.  See ya.

 

(At Kroova’s boat…)

 

KROOVA: Get in, guys!  Let’s sail to some far unknown place where danger could lurk behind every corner and we couldn’t care less!

 

SAGAX: Like, totally sweet, man!

 

SCARUM: Did we bring enough food?

 

(Back at Riftguard…)

 

AGARNU: Stupid kids!  By the way, you’re going on a stupid voyage on the stupid boat I’ve been preparing!

 

KURDA: Yes, stupid father.

 

(In the slave holding cage…)

 

DRUFO: Here, Triss.  Escape with this flimsy piece of useless metal!

 

TRISS: Thanks!  You’re the best.

 

SHOGG: *saw saw saw*

 

(In Mossflower Woods…)

 

BIKKLE and RUGGUM: Heck, we’re still lost.  What the heck, let’s hide in Brockhall, a place that’s been hidden for centuries, the location of which no one knows and no one should know!

 

(The next day at Redwall…)

 

MALBUN: Great and wonderful and honorable and venerable Abbot, we found the annoying and rascally and irritating Dibbuns.  Now they’re going to give us some vital and important and significant information that no one should technically have!

 

APODEMUS: Wonderful.  Let’s find Brockhall!

 

(Back at the slave holding cage…)

 

TRISS: Shogg, you still working?

 

SHOGG: *saw saw saw*

 

TRISS: Good.  A plan just appeared in my head out of the blue…let’s take the ship and escape from this place!  It’ll be really easy!

 

SHOGG: *saw saw saw*

 

(At Redwall Abbey…)

 

SKIPPER: *yawn*  I think I’ll wake up and then take a nap.  Ooooo, Martin the Warrior!

 

MARTIN: Heh, I’m a poet and I didn’t know it.  Listen to my lovely voice, lowly otter: summer’ll come and you’ll get an instant champion.  Just add water!

 

SKIPPER: Cool.  Hey, Abbot, listen to this…

 

(Later…)

 

REDWALLERS: *search search search*

 

CROWS: Caw!

 

REDWALLERS: *flee flee flee*

 

(On a far-off coast…)

 

KROOVA: Look, skeletons made of old bones!

 

SAGAX: Dude.  Sweet.

 

SCARUM: Can I have some food?

 

LIZARDS: Don’t throw sand at us.

 

SCARUM: *throws sand*

 

LIZARDS: *run*

 

(On the slaves’ ship…)

 

MARTIN: Listen to my lovely voice, lowly squirrel: your name is Trisscar, now get your forty winks.

 

TRISS: Wow, I never knew that!

 

(At Redwall Abbey…)

 

BELLS: Wake up, folks!

 

REDWALLERS: Yummy, food!

 

CRIKULUS: Losers.

 

MALBUN: Dear friend and pal and close acquaintance Crikulus, let’s go exploring the scary and dark and frightening woods.

 

(Later…)

 

MALBUN and CRIKULUS: Run for your liiiiiiife!!!

 

MALBUN: *passes out*

 

CRIKULUS: Loser.

 

(Out at sea…)

 

KROOVA: Hey, it’s an old otterwife—a female otter that’s not young anymore!

 

SAGAX: Duuude, and a seal.

 

RAURA: Evil children.  Go back to your mommies!

 

KROOVA: *sniff*  I feel sad—the opposite of happy.

 

SCARUM: Got any food?

 

BOOK TWO: SNAKES, AND THINGS THAT DON’T MAKE SENSE

 

SHOGG: *point point point*

 

TRISS: Cool, an island!  Let’s visit!

 

HEDGEHOGS: Oooooo…trespassers.  Food for everyone!

 

URTICA: *blushes*

 

WELFO: *blushes*

 

URTICA: Let’s get married, dear!

 

WELFO: Of course, darling!

 

TRISS: Well, that was quick.

 

(Back at Redwall…)

 

MALBUN: Thank you for finding us, good and faithful and loyal friends.  *fib fib fib*

 

CRIKULUS: *snores*  Loser snakes.

 

APODEMUS: Aha!  So that’s why you were running…

 

(Back at sea…)

 

STOPDOG: *leaks*

 

KROOVA: I can save us with this rope…I’ll put my paws on it and drag us to shore!

 

SAGAX: Sounds totally rad, man.

 

SCARUM: Hmmm…any food left?

 

KROOVA: We’re here at shore—a strip of land!

 

CUMARNEE: *says something in bizarre accent*

 

SAGAX: Like, I don’t get it.

 

CUMARNEE: *says something else in bizarre accent*

 

HEDGEHOGS: *fix ship*

 

SCARUM: Yummy, food!  *eat eat eat*

 

HEDGEHOGS: *say something in bizarre accent*

 

KROOVA: Eh…we’ll take him with us.  Don’t punish him for eating all your food—edible stuff you put in your mouth and chew and swallow!

 

HEDGEHOGS: *say something in bizarre accent*

 

SCARUM: I say, any food available?

 

To Be Continued…Next Month…