Triss in a Few Pages, Part 1
By Vitora
WARNING: If you love Redwall more than anything else and/or have not
read Triss, this is not for you. DO NOT read further. I poke fun at Triss/the Redwall template throughout the entire piece—which is fun
for those who can take it—, as well as spoil the entire novel.
KROOVA:
This is my song: the earth is full of pretty colors, and I walked around
everywhere, and then I got old, and now I wanna tell you a story. Here it is:
BOOK ONE: THE TIME THAT MANY PEOPLE
RAN AWAY
(At Riftguard…)
KURDA:
Throw those stupid turnips, and then I’ll go see my stupid father.
TRISS:
OK. Oh, no, here come some guards!
RIFTUN:
Look, stupid guys! Some
stupid slaves. Hey, you’re in
trouble, stupid squirrelmaid. Come on!
(Far across the sea…)
APODEMUS:
Isn’t Redwall great, Malbun?
MALBUN: Of
course, great and wonderful and honorable and venerable Abbot. Look, here come the annoying and rascally and
irritating Dibbuns!
DIBBUNS:
Berries berries berries. Dab dab dab!
CRIKULUS:
Losers.
BELLS: Time
to eat, folks!
(Outside of
the gate…)
BIKKLE and
RUGGUM: Heck, we’re lost.
(At Salamandastron…)
HIGHTOR:
They’re gone and good riddance.
COLONEL
WHIPPSCUT: Dumb kids, never did like ‘em.
DUNFREDA: Waaaaaaaagh
waaagh waaaagh sob sob *blows nose*!
HIGHTOR:
Eh?
COLONEL
WHIPPSCUT: She says I gotta go after ‘em.
See ya.
(At Kroova’s boat…)
KROOVA: Get
in, guys! Let’s sail to some far unknown
place where danger could lurk behind every corner and we couldn’t care less!
SAGAX:
Like, totally sweet, man!
SCARUM: Did
we bring enough food?
(Back at Riftguard…)
AGARNU:
Stupid kids! By the way, you’re going on
a stupid voyage on the stupid boat I’ve been preparing!
KURDA: Yes,
stupid father.
(In the slave
holding cage…)
DRUFO:
Here, Triss. Escape with this flimsy
piece of useless metal!
TRISS:
Thanks! You’re the best.
SHOGG: *saw
saw saw*
(In Mossflower Woods…)
BIKKLE and
RUGGUM: Heck, we’re still lost. What the
heck, let’s hide in Brockhall, a place that’s been hidden for centuries, the
location of which no one knows and no one should know!
(The next
day at Redwall…)
MALBUN:
Great and wonderful and honorable and venerable Abbot, we found the annoying
and rascally and irritating Dibbuns. Now
they’re going to give us some vital and important and significant information
that no one should technically have!
APODEMUS:
Wonderful. Let’s find Brockhall!
(Back at
the slave holding cage…)
TRISS:
Shogg, you still working?
SHOGG: *saw
saw saw*
TRISS:
Good. A plan just appeared in my head
out of the blue…let’s take the ship and escape from this place! It’ll be really
easy!
SHOGG: *saw
saw saw*
(At Redwall Abbey…)
SKIPPER:
*yawn* I think
I’ll wake up and then take a nap. Ooooo,
Martin the Warrior!
MARTIN:
Heh, I’m a poet and I didn’t know it.
Listen to my lovely voice, lowly otter: summer’ll come and you’ll get an
instant champion. Just add water!
SKIPPER:
Cool. Hey, Abbot, listen to this…
(Later…)
REDWALLERS:
*search search search*
CROWS: Caw!
REDWALLERS:
*flee flee flee*
(On a far-off coast…)
KROOVA:
Look, skeletons made of old bones!
SAGAX:
Dude. Sweet.
SCARUM: Can
I have some food?
LIZARDS:
Don’t throw sand at us.
SCARUM:
*throws sand*
LIZARDS:
*run*
(On the slaves’ ship…)
MARTIN:
Listen to my lovely voice, lowly squirrel: your name is Trisscar, now get your
forty winks.
TRISS: Wow,
I never knew that!
(At Redwall Abbey…)
BELLS: Wake
up, folks!
REDWALLERS:
Yummy, food!
CRIKULUS:
Losers.
MALBUN: Dear
friend and pal and close acquaintance Crikulus, let’s go exploring the scary
and dark and frightening woods.
(Later…)
MALBUN and
CRIKULUS: Run for your liiiiiiife!!!
MALBUN:
*passes out*
CRIKULUS:
Loser.
(Out at
sea…)
KROOVA:
Hey, it’s an old otterwife—a female otter that’s not young anymore!
SAGAX:
Duuude, and a seal.
RAURA: Evil
children. Go back to your mommies!
KROOVA:
*sniff* I feel
sad—the opposite of happy.
SCARUM: Got
any food?
BOOK TWO: SNAKES, AND THINGS THAT
DON’T MAKE SENSE
SHOGG:
*point point point*
TRISS:
Cool, an island! Let’s visit!
HEDGEHOGS:
Oooooo…trespassers. Food for everyone!
URTICA:
*blushes*
WELFO:
*blushes*
URTICA:
Let’s get married, dear!
WELFO: Of
course, darling!
TRISS:
Well, that was quick.
(Back at Redwall…)
MALBUN:
Thank you for finding us, good and faithful and loyal friends. *fib fib fib*
CRIKULUS:
*snores* Loser
snakes.
APODEMUS:
Aha! So that’s why you were running…
(Back at
sea…)
STOPDOG: *leaks*
KROOVA: I can
save us with this rope…I’ll put my paws on it and drag us to shore!
SAGAX:
Sounds totally rad, man.
SCARUM:
Hmmm…any food left?
KROOVA:
We’re here at shore—a strip of land!
CUMARNEE:
*says something in bizarre accent*
SAGAX:
Like, I don’t get it.
CUMARNEE:
*says something else in bizarre accent*
HEDGEHOGS:
*fix ship*
SCARUM:
Yummy, food! *eat eat eat*
HEDGEHOGS:
*say something in bizarre accent*
KROOVA:
Eh…we’ll take him with us. Don’t punish
him for eating all your food—edible stuff you put in your mouth and chew and
swallow!
HEDGEHOGS:
*say something in bizarre accent*
SCARUM: I say, any food available?
To Be Continued…Next Month…