Come Again…?!
By
Geo Holms
Quoted from The Golden Pen
threads October 1st and 2nd:
Geo Holms- …makes me want to write something
random...
Spring
Brookring- Yes! Go write something random! The world needs more randomness!
Well…you asked for it…
How to Be
Random…
A Random
Article
I am not the resident
professional of the random; I’m not even the vice-professional of randomness;
I’m not even a candidate for being the intern of Murribie, the Greek god of
randomness and the proper eating of blue cheese from
(Incidentally, thaw
with hair dryer and use clothespin on nose.)
Where was I?
Rambling on the
computer typing random and pointless junk that people will avoid like the
plague and the editor of this webzine will promptly delete when read.
Oh, yes, I’m not as
random as you would think. I would name off those of more random nature but I
fear copyright issues and attacks from armies of evil penguins, sub consciouses,
a blondish bodyguard, editor fury, and conspiracies…just to name a few.
So, guessing that you
are reading this article, you too want to be random.
You don’t?
Why the heck are you
reading this article then?
Are you gone yet?
No? Oh, I’ll continue
anyway if you’re going to stay here. I shall tell you some random ways to be
random, from Geo Holms, the unofficial understudy of random (and Ronts, contributor
of random). To be even more strange and disjointed, I’ll put it in a list
format. As a note, some of these are referring to actions on the web, some for
both real life and web enjoyment; all are ‘slightly’ random.
·
Use exclamation
marks! All the time! I mean it!
·
Rubber chickens,
ducks and other poultry may be needed.
·
Never introduce
yourself normally. Best to throw a random first impression:
·
Hi, I’m Geo, the
person currently standing behind you…HA! Made you look.
·
Yo, newbie, I’m
the slacker of this joint and conspirator of taking the sanity of newbies.
·
Wait, why is everyone
introducing themselves? This person
might be part of the ‘group’. Run for the hills!
·
Who am I? You’ll
just have to find out won’t you? *runs away snickering evilly*
·
An alternate
identity never hurts. *gets hit by chair* You
were saying? OK, I stand corrected.
·
An alternate
identity could be various things:
·
The voices of
the subconscious
·
A furry thingy
·
A spokesperson
·
Evil alter ego
·
Mythological
creature of questionable sanity
·
You’re not
hinting at anyone, are you?
·
Heck no, what would
make you think that? *snickering*
·
An avatar as
random as you are never hurts. For some reason images of a washing machine come
to mind. And a Green Fuzzle…odd. I miss those ones...
·
Incidentally the
actual definition for an avatar is a manifestation of a god. Not sure how that
fits in but it’s interesting to know.
·
Signatures—you
can even finish off each post with the randomness that wells from your heart…or
something like that.
·
Do just what
‘they’ expect to be unexpected…but wouldn’t that make the unexpected expected
in their view? Er…moving on…
·
Who is ‘they’
anyway?
·
Start a
conspiracy against Cabbage (or with Cabbage
for that matter). Or ‘They’. Or Staplers. Or that ‘Evil Blinking Light On the
VCR’. Or a conspiracy against conspiracies in general.
·
Take out the
pudding launcher and start shooting.
·
Look! I found a
nickel!
·
Quote your pet.
·
Use duct tape
for everything.
·
Be a
professional warrior in the name of Randomisity.
·
Sporfle and
Glomp everyone!
·
Make up words.
·
Make sure that
the word is actually not a word. I thought that malarking wasn’t a word but it
was. So make sure that your made up word is actually a made up word.
·
Peanut Butter
on all foods.
·
How is that
random?
·
It’s tasty—that’s
what counts.
·
Change topic in
mid sentence and, yes, I do enjoy spreading grape jelly on my cat, despite the
fact that we don’t have a cat, in which case I chase squirrels after midnight.
·
Give an evil
laugh. Bwahahaha!
·
Start rhyming
everything, until their ears all ring…
·
References to
the fluffy can be added.
·
Make a list of
‘how to be random’.
·
You know this is
not a complete list. There are hundreds of other tips that I am too lazy to dig
up. Randomness is not limited, it’s boundless.
So that’s about all
that I can think up on short notice. Think it’s too short? Ah, alas, a loophole
in how to be random—there’s always more steps to be found or created, much more
numerous than I could portray here with my moderate knowledge of randomisity.
Anyhoo, I shall leave
you with some random quotes to close this off from a few ‘random’ people.
“I'm not random, per
se. I have patterns. It's just that these patterns are not readily recognizable
to anyone, including myself. My randomness is just connecting things to other
things in ways that people don't think of at first.”
-Falar
“Remember it [these
steps] will only be a path. The true being of randomisity is a hard state to
attain.”
-Linny/Cyra
“First
learn how to not be random, then, do whatever isn't that. Since it is not not random, it
is random.”
-Ben Miff
“I'm sorry, have I
missed something? Or has the world always been this way and I've just been too
wrapped up in myself to notice?”
-Baron
That’s
about all that I was able to badger people for and so I shall close this odd
article.
Except
for one serious note. Warning: there is such thing as too random and being
put into a strait jacket and a padded cell, so be careful with that in mind.
You sure know how
to kill an article.
Underpants!
Then you do
something like that…