The
Beginning Adventures of the Holy Hole Puncher
By
Northwind of Otters
The Banana Bread Shrine was safe…
Or so it seemed. Steam lazily floated out the vented top of its room and
Penguin Priests could be heard chattering inside. There was sudden cry of
“Ort!” and then a large crash. Spring Brookring ducked a flying frying pan and
several fried fishes, barely escaping the sauté sauce. Northwind leaped to the
side and screamed, “The Priests will desecrate the Holy Hole Puncher!”
Springi nodded,
her eyes serious, her body tense. The Holy Hole Puncher could not be touched.
She made a dive for the opposite wall and was promptly covered in fish and
sauce, both of which attracted thousands of diving and orting Penguin Priests.
“’Tis merely a scratch!” she screamed, then was
promptly covered again. Northwind knew it was up to her and she too made a dive
for the other wall. A especially malicious-looking
penguin came after her. Each flipper hit the floor with a resounding “STOMP,”
and it sounded like trouble.
The priest grabbed Northwind with
his wing and raised her off the ground, holding her tightly around the neck.
She gurgled and then closed her eyes, whispering last wishes. Suddenly there
was an odd whistling noise and the penguin dropped her, feet flapping off
towards the Shrine’s
Wiping the flavorful oil from her
fur, Springi’s first thought was for the Shrine. “On your feet, soldier!” she
screamed, grasping Northy and pushing her up.
“R-r-right…” Northwind gasped,
taking Springi’s paw and allowing herself to be directed
towards the doorway of the Holy Hole Puncher’s private spa and shrine. As
Springi saw a large penguin turn the corner and head for the Holy Hole Puncher,
she came alive and made a dive for the bird. It seemed as though it were made
of iron, and she merely pinged off it and slid to the floor. Northwind ran over
and helped her sit up, saying, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“It stomps, it’s made of metal, it
hates us, and it wants the Holy Hole Puncher—" Springi began.
“—It can only mean one thing,”
Northy continued, eyes cutting from side to side, her voice taking on a tinge
of mystery.
“Ben Miff!” they cried in unison.
Together they stood and trailed the “penguin”, or the robot (whatever you want
to call it). They entered the Most Holy Shrine and then the Most Holier Shrine
and there he was, staring at three red doors at the back of the room.
“Which
way, which way?” Northy taunted, circling to the right while Springi headed
to the left. “One door leads to the shrine, one door leads to the dungeon, and
the final door leads to ultimate destruction!”
The robot penguin turned and
looked at her, his eyes deep and intent and glowing red. “You will tell me
which door to enter,” he ordered in a synthesized computer copy of Ben’s voice.
“Now, now, Ben, we know that
you’re not truly evil, but have just forgotten to take your medicine like a
good, good boy.” Northy held two claws up to signal Springi.
The robot simply stared at her and
looked confused. “Say what?”
“Wouldn’t want to insult you any,
but your alter ego is getting worse and worse…” Northwind patted him on the metallic
cheek. “I mean, the ALL POWERFUL Ben
Miff using a robot penguin?”
Suddenly with a growl that would
have left anyone skinless—except Northy; she refused to be skinless, as it
would be quite a travesty—and caused Ben’s robot to lose feathers and be utterly
surprised, Spring dove. Her next action
quite thoroughly sent his circuits spinning. She punched him squarely in the
beak and caused him to flip over backwards three times. (You see, three is a
very important number… It’s Ben’s worst nightmare. The Holy Hole Puncher
punches Three Holes, there are Three Members of the Holy Order, and there are
Three Frying Pans in which the cooks cook fried fish for the penguin priests.*
Not that that really has to do with anything, but that’s irrelevant. Of course,
with The Holy Hole Puncher, nothing is irrelevant.)
All right,
then—to continue with this narrative. The Ben-Miff-latest-attempt-to-destroy-the-Holy-Hole-Puncher’s-Holy-Shrine
had just done three flips backwards when in a flash,
Spring was on top of him and, using a pair of pliers, had removed his ugly
head. Inside was a series of connected mechanical parts which proved, for two
of the Three Members of the Holy Order, lots of fun to pull apart and decorate
the room with. Very shiny. The only problem was
keeping the Penguin Priests from eating them.
*****
—Excerpt
from the diary of Northwind,
After
today’s events, Spring,
—Northwind
ALL HAIL
THE HOLY HOLE PUNCHER!
*****
*Note:
Note given on