How To Survive: A B-Movie

By Ben Miff

1) Don’t drink, smoke or…eh, something else. (Editor’s Note: Loved it, it was funny, really it was, but it just wasn’t appropriate for Yn Nor. Sorry. We’ve got kiddos reading this thing. I’m sure many can figure out what was *supposed* to go here…) It really doesn’t help.

2) Be prepared to run a lot. And scream. Good lungs will help. Try and keep them in your body.

3) Expect people to act irrationally. And ignore them. Unless they’ve got a weapon nearby.

4) Learn to recognize the difference between alive and dead. And no, “are they moving?” is not a good determinant.

5) Remember that when in a car, you can still drive it around, no matter what’s on it.

6) Remember that monsters tend to have bad table manners. Don’t get put off by this. Just walk in the other direction fast.

7) Don’t be brave. Send some other idiot off instead.

8) Don’t trust the monsters to keep any deal they make.

9) Don’t turn the lights off.

10) Anything called the Necronomicom, or Necrowombicon, or Necrowhatever, is a bad thing to read. Espescially out loud.

11) In fact, leave anything bound in skin alone. Well alone.

12) Small wooden huts in the middle of a forest can be left well alone.

13) Remember to carry a weapon. And keep it loaded and ready to fire. Don’t wait for something to jump you before you start loading it.

14) Carry a spare change of clothes. It can get rather messy.

15) Don’t tell anyone that “you’re sure we’ll get out alive”. If you do, you won’t.

16) Aim for the head. Most things can’t survive losing their heads. Only aim for the body if it’s a hydra.