How to Survive: The Yn Nor Forums

By Ben Miff

Now, before you start complaining, this is not going to be one of those really depressing “oh noes, the world is going to end” type of survival guide. Even if the world is going to end. This is merely a guide to surviving the insanity known as the Golden Pen forums. So here goes. And don’t say I didn’t warn you.

1) Explosions are bad for you. So, if you spot anything that looks even remotely explosive, chances are it is. So don’t prod it. Or eat it. In fact, just leave it well alone.

2) Get hold of a resurrection method pretty quickly. That way, you can come back, just as good as before. Or evil, if that’s your kind of thing.

3) The Banana Bread Shrine is a war-zone. Only enter if you have a large amount of weaponry, and reflexes as fast as something really fast. With jet boosters strapped on. And a healthy disregard for speed limits.

4) Expect the unexpected. If it has a small vestige of happening, then it will at some point. And even if it hasn’t, it will happen anyway.

5) If it has any kind of warning symbol on it, then avoid. Even if you have a barge pole, don’t prod it. At all. Not in the slightest. Not even a gentle prod.

6) Have a miniature army if at all possible. That way, they can all snuff it instead of you.

7) Large animals will probably consider you a food source. Carry an alternative. Preferably a large tasty one that will take said animal a while to get through.

8) The bigger it is, the earlier you want to start running away from it.

9) Develop a well-tuned ability to ignore any demands. Including, but not limited to, outright threats, puppy-dog eyes, and bribery.

10) Remember that there’s always a bigger weapon. Even if yours is the biggest in existence. The others will probably strap two together, or something.

11) Learn to run very very fast.

12) No, faster than that.

13) Think of every possible effect that any action can have. Then choose the worst one. You can safely assume that is the one that will happen.

14) 95% of anything will hurt if not avoided or blocked.

15) Anything can be a weapon. That includes you. Therefore, be good at dodging, and don’t let anyone grab you to use as a weapon.

16) Learn the apparent advantages and disadvantages of every combatant:

17) Ben Miff –

Strengths –

Expansive mallet collection.

Mecha army.

Weaknesses –

Electromagnetic pulses.

Constant counter-measures.

18) Cyra –

Strengths –

Support from Vlad and co.

Fighting profiency with dead fish.

Weaknesses -

Tendency not to finish off opponents.

Characters tend to have easily exploitable weaknesses (such as squid).

19) Northwind –

Strengths –

Support from penguin priests.

Ability to find anything rather quickly. I blame ACME.

Weaknesses -

Preoccupation with protecting the Banana Bread Shrine.

Inability to control minions.

20) Spring Brookring –

Strengths –

Surprise attacks.

Has allies.

Weaknesses -

Inability to see flaws in cunning plans.

Allies are sometimes more problems than they’re worth.

21) Vilu Daskar –

Strengths –

Unconventional attack mediums. As in unconventional for Yn Nor. Which is impressive.

Ability to exploit weaknesses.

Weaknesses -

Tendency to ignore counter-attacks until too late.

Obsession with the destruction of the Banana Bread Shrine.

22) Willow -

Strengths –

Fearful admin powers. Be afraid. Under–the-sofa afraid.

Recognition of when to flee.

Weaknesses –

Tendency not to use admin powers in the interests of fairness.

Slightly lower tolerance for insanity. But only slightly. Very slightly.

And that’s it. There’s probably more, but this article could become very long otherwise. Plus I’d need even more coffee. Not a good thing. Not a good thing at all. On par with the world ending, almost. Which should be happening soon. Ish.