How to
Survive: The Yn Nor Forums
By Ben
Miff
Now, before you start
complaining, this is not going to be one of those really depressing “oh noes,
the world is going to end” type of survival guide. Even if
the world is going to end. This is merely a guide to surviving the
insanity known as the Golden Pen forums. So here goes. And don’t say I didn’t
warn you.
1) Explosions are bad for
you. So, if you spot anything that looks even remotely explosive, chances are
it is. So don’t prod it. Or eat it. In fact, just leave it well alone.
2) Get hold of a
resurrection method pretty quickly. That way, you can come back, just as good
as before. Or evil, if that’s your kind of thing.
3) The Banana Bread Shrine
is a war-zone. Only enter if you have a large amount of weaponry, and reflexes
as fast as something really fast. With jet boosters strapped on. And a healthy
disregard for speed limits.
4) Expect the unexpected.
If it has a small vestige of happening, then it will at some point. And even if
it hasn’t, it will happen anyway.
5) If it has any kind of
warning symbol on it, then avoid. Even if you have a barge pole, don’t prod it.
At all. Not in the slightest. Not even a gentle prod.
6) Have a miniature army if
at all possible. That way, they can all snuff it instead of you.
7) Large animals will
probably consider you a food source. Carry an alternative. Preferably a large
tasty one that will take said animal a while to get through.
8) The bigger it is, the
earlier you want to start running away from it.
9) Develop a well-tuned
ability to ignore any demands. Including, but not limited to, outright threats,
puppy-dog eyes, and bribery.
10) Remember that there’s
always a bigger weapon. Even if yours is the biggest in
existence. The others will probably strap two together, or something.
11) Learn to run very very
fast.
12) No, faster than that.
13) Think of every possible
effect that any action can have. Then choose the worst one. You can safely
assume that is the one that will happen.
14) 95% of anything will
hurt if not avoided or blocked.
15) Anything can be a
weapon. That includes you. Therefore, be good at dodging, and don’t let anyone
grab you to use as a weapon.
16) Learn the apparent
advantages and disadvantages of every combatant:
17) Ben Miff –
Strengths –
Expansive
mallet collection.
Mecha
army.
Weaknesses –
Electromagnetic pulses.
Constant
counter-measures.
18) Cyra –
Strengths –
Support from Vlad and co.
Fighting
profiency with dead fish.
Weaknesses -
Tendency
not to finish off opponents.
Characters tend to have
easily exploitable weaknesses (such as squid).
19) Northwind –
Strengths –
Support from penguin
priests.
Ability
to find anything rather quickly. I blame
ACME.
Weaknesses -
Preoccupation
with protecting the Banana Bread Shrine.
Inability
to control minions.
20) Spring Brookring –
Strengths –
Surprise attacks.
Has
allies.
Weaknesses -
Inability
to see flaws in cunning plans.
Allies are sometimes more
problems than they’re worth.
21) Vilu Daskar –
Strengths –
Unconventional
attack mediums. As in
unconventional for Yn Nor. Which is impressive.
Ability
to exploit weaknesses.
Weaknesses -
Tendency
to ignore counter-attacks until too late.
Obsession
with the destruction of the Banana Bread Shrine.
22)
Strengths –
Fearful
admin powers. Be afraid. Under–the-sofa afraid.
Recognition
of when to flee.
Weaknesses –
Tendency not to use admin
powers in the interests of fairness.
Slightly lower tolerance
for insanity. But only slightly. Very
slightly.
And that’s it. There’s
probably more, but this article could become very long otherwise. Plus I’d need
even more coffee. Not a good thing. Not a good thing at all. On par with the
world ending, almost. Which should be happening soon. Ish.