The Day the Llamas Came to Redwall

By Spring Brookring

It was a normal day at Redwall Abbey. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and giant centipedes were wearing Yankees caps. Yes, a perfectly normal day. And then, at noon, walking up the path, came a llama. (cue lightning bolt and thunder roll)

A mousemaid, out gathering herbs, saw it first. The huge, wooly face came into view. She dropped her herb basket and ran to tell the Father Abbot, shrieking her head off. It took her a while, because she had to keep stopping to pick up her head. By that time, the llama had reached the gates. And, because the Gatekeeper was forgetful and lazy, it walked right through the open doors. Everybeast stared. "What is it?" someone asked.

"It's a llama, can't you read?" was the scornful reply.

Spray painted on the llama's side was the neon green word 'Llama.'

"Well, actually, now that you bring it up, no, I c—" The illiterate beast paused as the Father Abbot arrived on the scene. "What is it?" the Abbot asked.

"Er, it's a llama, Father," someone ventured.

"Yes, yes, I can see that. But what's a llama?" No one spoke. The abbot sighed. "Alright, then today we will form a Find Out What A Llama Is Committee! Any volunteers?" Silence. The Abbot pulled out a Ping-Pong paddle. "Any volunteers now?" A committee was formed immediately.

"Hey, you can't—" someone protested, and was trampled as people encircled the llama. The suggestions came thick and fast.

"Poke it with a stick!"

"Set it on fire!"

"Pour something down its throat!"

"Feed it a sock!"

"No, not my sock! Aaaghh! Let go of my foot!" Ten minutes later it was determined that llamas did not eat socks. A chalkboard was fetched so things could be written down. Five minutes later it was discovered that llamas ate chalk. And paper. After several attempts, things were written down in the dirt with a stick. The Find Out What A Llama Is Committee, or FOWALIC, got to work.

Within the hour another llama was seen strolling up the path. More thunder and lightning crashed. More screams were heard from the mousemaid with the wobbly head. This was probably not because of the llama, because the mousemaid was hiding in bed and couldn't see it, but it added to the dramatic effect.

The second llama was subdued after several Redwallers made it mad enough to need subduing. The FOWALIC split into two branches, frantically competing against one another. Against expectations, the second llama did not eat chalk. It was deduced that the second llama was a freak of nature.

Before dinner, the FOWALIC had become very educated about the nature of llamas. Written in the dirt were facts such as 'The llama does not appear to be flammable but Miroy is,' 'Llamas are made of fluffy lint so they do not appreciate clothes,' and 'DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, POKE THE LLAMA IN THE EYE.'

The evening meal was underway when the kitchen doors burst open and into the Great Hall walked—another llama. A lightning bolt melted a squirrel's jewelry. A third branch of the FOWALIC was formed. In a period of two weeks there were scorch marks all over the Abbey, fifty two llamas roamed the grounds, and fifty two separate branches of the FOWALIC followed them around, squabbling. Then, the llamas rebelled.

It was done skillfully, in the dark of night. Well, not total dark, because the neon spray paint on their hides glowed in the dark. But close enough. Many woodlanders woke with their fur shaved, and llamas wore knitted fur coats. Others were made to peel bananas with their toes. And then the llamas converged in Cavern Hole and wrote the Law of the Llama on the ceiling. Then the llamas vanished, leaving woolly socks in each and every room.

The peaceful creatures of Redwall wore the socks because they were fuzzy and warm, and they obeyed the Law of the Llama until a mouse named Mouselangelo painted over it. And the woodlanders promptly forgot, because there were more important things to do, like admire the paintings of bananas on the ceiling. A year after the arrival of the llamas, an alpaca was seen walking up the path. The herb-gathering mousemaid shrieked her head off several times, then lost it in the bushes. A tidal wave heralded the Arrival of the Alpaca. (cue sinister music)