April 30, 2001
Hi,
		This is my first entry on to my little new journal on my computer. Life has sucked for the past several months. Becky pretty much kicked me out of the apartment just before this past Christmas. I miss my babies alot.
			It started off this time, when we were having problems. I had started going back to college here at SPSCC. Like I had said, we were having problems. And I wanted to see about fixing things, so that we could be happy. I had asked her several times, what she wanted to do. She always replied with the same answer 'I don't know." After a number of times her saying the same thing. I asked her.."what do you wanna do? Counseling? Divorce? What??"
			So she takes that one sentence and says that I want to divorce..because I merely gave it as a suggestion.
			Like I had said, we were having problems. Our hometeacher (whom you would think could be an asset) we invited him over and kinda explained the situation. He is divorced..(and I know that Becky had said that she thought he was cute, but I didn't know how much she liked him)..and so I thought that he might be a good resource for help. He told us about his wife and their problems. She sounded selfish, and not appreciative. He said that he would strongly suggest against divorce...it doesn't lead to a happy life. He suggested counseling. And Becky had a choir practice right after that..and out hometeacher was in the choir too.  So they went seperately to choir, and before they left...she had agreed with me that we would think about what is the best thing to do. The first words that she said upon returning from choir, was that she thought we should get seperated. So much for the thinking about it..huh.
			And that was back in October or November, I think. That next week the bishop, Bishop Gunnell, called us on the phone to see if he could come to the apartment and talk. He came over. He gave each of us a "interview" that asked the same questions as from the temple recommend interviews. Since our problems didn't involve infidelity..he said that we would be alright. Neither of us felt that his "counsel" was very effective. I had suggested counciling..so many times. She always said that she didn't want to do, she thought that counciling. only involved us telling somebody out problems. Which is only have of it. But she never would listen to why counseling would be beneficial. After the Bishop came over, she started asking me and hounding me as to when I was going to move out. I told her that I didn't know. I hadn't made up my mind as to whether to move out (like she wanted) was the right move.
			After thinking about it, and praying about it, I also asked my parents as well as brother,  whether they would think of me any differently if I left Becky. They told me that they wouldn't think of me any differenly if I did.
			So after Becky pestering me as to when I would leave, I would tell her that I would move out when I could. She never was happy  with that answer. And after the millionth time (at least it felt like it) I asked her if tomorrow was soon enough. She said that it was okay. I didn't have anywhere to move into, so I talked to my boss at work. And there is some guest rooms, at the hospital. For family of patients, patients, employees, to stay at. I sleeped there for a few days. Til I talked Becky into letting me to stay in now her guest bedroom. So I could stay there til I found an apartment to move into, in exchange for her using my car when she needed.
			That was the first week of December at the time, and by the 15th of December. I had an apartment to move into.  I live in the Carpenter Crest apartments. The rent isn't too bad, it is $440/month. My lease runs out in the end of June, but probably will stay here for now.
			I admit, that I am not the brightest guy on the planet. And have made some wrong decisions. But after moving out, I had fully expected to divorce her. In fact, I had contacted a paralegal to file the necessary papers for divorce. In the mean time I started chatting in ldschat......(a online chat room for lds folk) I met a girl that lives in Utah. At the time, I was soo lonely. I wanted someone to be friends with, since most of the people that I knew were Becky's family. Who now (or at least then) turned their back on me. This girl was lonely too, and so we started chatting..then after a lil while.she said that she loved me...And I thought....what in the heck? How can someone "love" someone when they haven't even seen that person. They can't!
			And even thought I didn't feel a thing for her, so that I wouldn't be left with no one to talk to. I kinda played along with her, as far as she telling me that she loved me. I would go along with what she would say. I had thought that Becky had grown up and stopped checking my email (like she had done before) but I was wrong. I had wrote a draft, and in it going along with what she (Utah girl) talked about....she had said that she thought we were meant to be together and stuff like that. And in that draft, I expounded on that stuff. Even thought none of it was true. Anyway when Becky read that stuff, she told me that she saw the stuff. And then I realized that I was in the wrong. No one could understand unless they were in my shoes, expecially Becky. Who has all of her friends and family here. I have no one at all here. Being alone, I just needed someone to talk to. I told her (Utah girl) that I needed to stop talking to her. And so I stopped, just like that. I went to Becky's place to talk to her. When I was over there, I told her that I knew that we (our family) should be together. I saw the kids, and I could see in her face that she loved me. I asked her if we could try it again. And that I wanted our family to be together. That was on the 25th or so of January....we were together pretty much every night til just after Valentine's Day. The weekend just after that day, I wanted to go something real nice for her. So I took her to a hotel up in Federal Way, with a jacuzzi in the hotel room. It was awesome...just her and me. We hadn't been alone in that type of setting since our honeymoon. We had to get back to town early in the morning, she had a rehearsal for Fiddler on the Roof. This was a play that the stake produced. That night in the hotel was nearly the last time that we were together alone. She had practice at least a few times a week for the next almost 2 months. I watched the kids during nearly every practice, but maybe one. In March, Becky called me to ask if I could come over to talk. And so I expected that it was to talk things over, so that we could