May: “Polyphemus is outside of the bonds of civility because, you know, you don’t eat your guests.”
Annie: “At the risk of sounding a lot less profound than my colleagues, both works seemed really interested in goats. The goats sort of leapt out at me... not literally.”
Annie: “God’s just doing some light gardening and land brokering. He’s setting up a rep.”
SarahL: “Samson is a few fries short of a happy meal. This shows that we all have gifts and we all do stupid stuff with them.”
Annie: “This is more like God just messing with my mind than God telling me what to do.”
Ethan: “Even in the Ten Commandments, God said no gods
besides me.”
Aaron: “God also says don’t kill. What the heck?”
Aaron: “Let’s just back up our submarine and look through the periscope at a wider angle.”
Annie: “When God says here’s a person to smite, you smite
them.”
Aaron: “It’s like Simon Says, basically.”
May: “All right, Amos! You’ve heard of the Temple of Doom—but have you heard of the prophets of doom? That was my lead-in. I was working on it all weekend.”
Eric: “Not to play devil’s advocate or anything....”
Aaron: “Why would the mother want a half baby if she just threw away a perfectly whole dead baby?”
Adam: “Before I call on any of you, is anybody not going to make the point that Socrates is annoying?”
Katie: “The book of Job is a pretty obnoxious portrayal of God.”
May: “But let’s get into an argument here. Through
history, women have used their wiles to seduce men and get what they want. Does
anyone agree?”
The entire class: “Yes.”
May: “Look at these loads. Hey, look at those pencils! Can I have some of those?”
Ethan: “I’m late, but I have an excuse. First I was
seduced by the hot water in the shower. Then I had to beat the women off all the
way here. I’ve had a rough morning.”
May: “I believe you! Ethan, you’re the man.”
Eric: “And also, in the play, they were talking about a
certain type of women’s undergarment worn above, and I was wondering—“
Colin: “Hey! Let’s pretend that we’re in college now and can use the word bra.”
Jeff: “Rock-em sock-em is a motif?”
Derby: “If I were Homer, I’d be like, ‘Hey Virgil, make up your own story!’”
Annie: “Aeneas is a pansy. He’s like, ‘Oh, I still love you, but I have to follow the gods’ will.’”
Aaron: “If I were in this world and the gods called, I’d jump on the horse and ride wherever they wanted me to.”
Derby: “What’s up with these flaws with Aeneas? I mean, he’s the hero. It’s called the Aeneid.”
Fairbanks: “Let’s not look at the Stoic as Mr. Spock.”
Fairbanks: “This is not Bill Jones, comma, Spearbearer, it’s just Spearbearer.”
“A great idea!”
“What?”
“That’s what we need; a great idea!” —A Funny Thing Happened on the Way
to the Forum
"Stand aside. I take large steps." —A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
Jeff: “Back then we had patrons that the author couldn’t displease, now we have the P.T.A.”
Fairbanks: “At times it’s almost sickening to picture a future without me in it.”
Derby: “Who wants to be like the cosmos anyway?"
Aaron: “God is a great octopus with many hand puppets. And one is Jesus, and one is Buddha....”
Chelle: “Will there be a water fountain?”
Fairbanks: “No, and while they do have a baptismal font, I wouldn’t suggest
drinking out of it.”
May: “Do you have the right amount of students, because
I’m a few short.”
Colin: “What? You’re short?”
Henry II: “Why am I surrounded by such
incompetent fools? The only intelligent man in this kingdom is Thomas Becket,
and he’s against me.”
(Not thirty seconds later) Some Lord: “Your majesty, I think—“
Henry II: “Who told you to think? I want an end of thinking. Thinking shall not
cross the Channel!” —Becket
Aaron: “She burned out, like a brilliant star falling to
earth.”
Camille: “See, that’s what happens if you do all the homework they assign for
the Great Con.”
Carullo: “Now say, I slap Heather and she doesn’t get mad.
She says I can slap her again if I want. And I’m so grateful that I decide to
buy her flowers. Now, if I send the flowers to Tippi, then that isn’t very fair
to Heather.”
Annie: “Wait a minute. Who’s Tippi in this metaphor?”
Carullo: “Tippi is God.”
Tippi: “I can see where you might be having trouble here.”
Carullo: “Love is a very strong thing. Sometimes, when you
are in love with someone, you don’t worry about other things, and that is why
you forget meetings or fail exams....”
Ethan: “You don’t need love to fail an exam.”
Carullo: “Well, maybe you don’t.”
Eric: "So, is this the exam of which none greater can be
conceived?"
Fairbanks: "No, because you really can't have a physical representation of that.
For example, this test may have 127 chronological dating questions, but an even
better test might have 130."
Aaron: "That is the shaft of which none greater can be conceived."
Carullo: "So if Odysseus is known for his cunning, why did
Dante put him in hell?"
Alicia: "Oh! Because he used his powers for evil instead of good!"
Eric: "Well, gee golly Batman."
Tippi: "Outside sources in the con? Is that allowed?"
Carullo: “As many of you know, I have been spending the last few years researching the topic of love. That is why the lights are so dim in here today.”
Derby: “The Jesuits are like the Marines of the Catholic Church.”
Fairbanks: “The reading for tomorrow is the first two acts of Othello. There might be a couple people here from the board of regents to see how intelligent and cool you are, so my advice to you is this—read Othello.”
Fairbanks: “Who would you say most embodies Renaissance
values?”
Jeff: “Pico?”
Kristi: (gasp) “You skipped chapel?”
Rachel: “You’re going to Lutheran hell, Daniel.”
Fairbanks: “Well, before we hear why it sucked so much, let’s discuss...”
May: “This is hardcore! If I poke you—“
Jeff: “Ow!”
May: “—then am I really poking you, or is it a dream, and are the senses really
real?”
Jeff: “You wanna take this discussion of reality outside?”
Hillary: “This wasn’t a paper, it was a book report. It
was like something we wrote in fourth grade!”
Meg: “Except... we really didn’t read Locke in fourth grade.”
Fairbanks: “It shows the Western as epic thing. John Wayne
as Odysseus and all that.”
Aaron: “Is that a cyclops I see before me?”
Hillary: “Professor Fairbanks, I’d like to address what
you said in that last monologue—“
Jeff: “I’d say it was more of a soliloquy, since no one was listening.”
Fairbanks: “Mopes, loads, bums....”
Ben: “You don’t do it with nearly the vigor he does.”
Fairbanks: “Yeah, it’s his thing. I can’t do it justice, I know.”
Ben: “When you’re reading something as thick as Kant, how
do you..?”
Fairbanks: “My advice is two ice cubes in a glass with about an inch of scotch.
Single malt. But I didn’t say that.”
Meg: “Pre-lapsarian? Oh, I like that word. I’ll use it all
over the test!”
Dan: “It’s not gonna save you.”
Nick: “Geez, guys, I'm really sorry. We completely goofed and wrote the Hume study guide in bad Italian.”
May: “I’m preserving what little hair I have left. It’s my way of one-upping Fairbanks.”
Stacy: “There were prostitutes everywhere. Ask Derby.”
May: “Heather’s just my height. We’d make a nice couple.”
Fairbanks: “You can’t say that.”
Tippy: “Sure he can. He’s been tenured for years.”
May: “And if you were sitting up high, you could actually see the actors changing behind the curtain. Fairbanks had a telescope.”
May: “Once a play becomes a play... an adaptation of Chaucer, say.... What’s so funny?”
Erica: “It was kinda like Dos—, Dos—... Crime and Punishment.”