Sophie: “Hey, it’s Billy Joel!”
Billie: “Huh?”
Joel: “What? Where?”
Sophie: “Okay, never mind.”
Lindsey: “Yeah guys, don’t pay any attention to the rumors, they’re all inflated. Fifty, seventy, ninety percent of all Olaf graduates marry an Ole!”
Ben: “So, did you ever go to school in the dark?”
Sophie: “Yes, in winter when there were only a couple hours of light a day, we went to school in the dark.”
Ben: “And you studied by candlelight?”
Sophie: “We do have electricity in Alaska!”
Travis: “Are Japanese girls really excitable? Because one time I was on a train, and these girls were eating pretzels getting really into it. ‘Ah, oiishii desu!’ And I suppose they are an American food and all, but American girls wouldn’t be like that if they were eating... pocky or something.”
Billie: “You’ve never met my friends.”
Death (Singing on Erin’s video): “Miruku wa doko ni itta?”
Travis: “How often do you get to hear Death singing about milk?”
Annie: “Well, I feel kinda bad about not cleaning his bowl, but the way I see it, goldfish only have a three second attention span, so what does it matter? He’s just like ‘I’m a goldfish. I’m swimming. I’m swimming in crap. I’m a goldfish. I’m swimming. I’m swimming in crap. I’m a goldfish....’” (ya get the picture)
Sophie: “Oh, this is my favorite line in the Iliad! ‘The men armed for battle.’ Oh, can’t you just imagine it?” (glassy eyed)
Billie: “You just say that because you’re pretending they’re wearing kilts.”
Sophie: (burying head in hands) “It’s true! I canna help it!”
Billie: “It’s funny. I spend more time with Joel than I do with Annie, so when I hear her talk, I think she’s taking on his speech affectations.”
Sophie: “I know. Isn’t that weird? Joel, stop talking like Annie!”
Joel: “I can’t heeelp it. I liiike to.”
Erica: “But it’s hooorifying.”
Annie: “Everyone stooop it!”
Amy: “Zahnnie! Did you just pinch my ass?”
Frank: “Well, it certainly wasn’t me.”
Zahnnie: “Now make sure you explain all of this in class.”
Billie: “That would be funny with Japanese grammar constructs. ‘And this is the “Zahnnie lies here wearing only a tie” kitchen counter.’”
Katy: “With the light from behind you and the glow of the computer in the dark room, you look like the devil’s receptionist.”
Billie: “....”
Katy: “Not that I think you are the devil’s receptionist, I mean I don’t think he’d want you to be. Not that you wouldn’t be a good receptionist though, I’m sure you would, I just think he’d want someone more evil, and you’re not the most evil person I know,” (cough) “my roomate.” (cough)
Sophie: “Okay, Minnesotans? I’m getting used to that horrible ‘peppermint bon bon’ thing—“
(half the room makes loud protests. Sophie waves hands for silence.)
Sophie: “Like I said, I’m okay with the mint chocolate chip thing, but now I have a new question. Duck, duck....”
Half the room: “Gray Duck!”
Half the room: “Goose!”
(Chaos erupts)
Zahnnie: “So Billie, now that we’re lesbian lovers again.... Hmm. I don’t think I said that loudly enough. So Billie, now that we’re lesbian lovers again....”
Zahnnie: “...”
Billie: “Yes? Is there a point to this sentence or is it just a dependent clause?”
Weldon: “It looks very festive in here.”
Billie: “Indeed it does, and that’s the exact adjective everone, including myself, has used.”
Weldon: “Damn, I hate being normal. It looks very... communist in here.”
Kelly: “So basically, the entire population of your college is smaller than my class. Cool!”
Billie: “Cool? Why? Are you planning to come up here and attack us or something?”
Kelly: “It’d be cold, and the people down here are in Texas for a reason.”
Billie: “Learn something from Napoleon.”
Comments Garnered by Billie’s Winter Coat:
Aaron: “You have a definite sense of style. It’s very... Billie-esque.”
Some random teacher: “Wow that looks warm. Next time I get a coat, it’s gonna have a hood.”
Joel: “I don’t know... it looks weird.”
Sarah Catherine: “I like the hood. It makes you look like a fine lady from long ago.”
Erin: “Wow. You really look like Death.”
Chris: “You scared me there. I thought you were Death for a second.”
Shenandoah: “I like your cloak. It’s very dramatic.”
Chelle: “My friend came up with this—it’s the four S’s of college, possibly five, depending on the person. To get the most out of college, you need the proper amounts of studying, sleep, spirituality and socialization. The fifth, not necessarily for everyone, is stress.”
Billie: “That was not what I was thinking.”
Billie: “So plan C is that if he keeps this up, I attack him with my pine branch. Got it. You’re sure plan A won’t work?”
Joel: “No, he’ll probably see you hiding behind the branch. Besides, it could be considered flirtatious.”
Billie: “I’m just going to become Katy. Take on her speech affectations, pick up her sense of humor....”
Joel: “You can’t do that, Billie. You have to stay yourself. Don’t become Katy.”
Billie: “Why, because it would be anoooying?”
Joel: “No, actually it would be hilaaarious. But I would haaate it.”
Katy: “They’re really nice. Do you know which one I like the most?”
Billie: “Which one?”
Katy: “Me neither. Except you were supposed to say no, because then it would have made sense.”
Sandra: “Who wants to go halfsies with me for buying Ari The Lesbian Kama Sutra for Christmas?”
Billie: “I can’t. I already bought her the Dr. Laura board game.”
Adela: “And I bought her a voodoo doll kit.”
Sandra: “Man, why does Ari get all the good gifts?”
Zahnnie: “I really want to see it [Kenshin], but I heard that it’s banned in the U.S. because its message is anti-democracy.”
Kelly: “So we’re all riding in my car and Amy and Billie are in the far back trunk area. We start to pass a police car so I yell ‘duck!’ and Amy and Billie ask ‘where?’!”
Katy (singing): “Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?”
Jonathan: “I really hate it when you call me princess.”
Hillary: “It’s not that I think guys are stronger than girls or anything, but I prefer making them do the shitwork.”
(Watching Buffy)
Phil: “A vampire whorehouse? Cool! I want to go!”
Billie: “Phil, they’d suck you dry.”
Katy: “It’d cost you an arm and a leg! Except... Billie’s was better.”
Billie: “Shall we castrate the back yard now?”
Annie: “Sure. If feel like such a militant feminist, though.”
Billie: “I feel bad that we have to do this three days before the snow sculpture contest.”
Weldon: “Yeah, they get transported into a strange world and a beautiful woman suddenly appears and knows everything about what’s going on and they aren’t the slightest bit suspicious. These guys are really dense. Either that or they haven’t read enough fantasy novels.”
Phil: “You know, when you’re the new president at the college, it’s not a good idea to arrive at chapel ten minutes late.”
Billie: “That’s the new president? He doesn’t look that tall.”
Phil: “Oh, he is. The floor slopes downward.”
Billie: “And I had trouble finding a Valentine’s poem that didn’t say ‘I love you and am lusting over you.’”
Zahnnie: “I want to be lusted over. No one’s lusting over me right now.”
Billie: “I love the word ‘verbosity’ because it’s so verbose.”
SarahR: “Yes. I think I shall make it ubiquitous in my paper.”
Billie: “Have you seen Katy? She’s not in her room or yours.”
Chris: “It’s the second sign of the apocalypse.”
Katy: “So I was going to try telepathically knocking on your door, but then I realized that that wouldn’t work.”
Ramy: “I’ll bet a lot of people are praying right now. ‘Cause, yeah, God really wants the Ogakor tribe to win.”
Katy: “Jeez Ramy, that’s obviously not true. He wants Kucha.”
Sophie: “Perrin Aybara can be my wolf-man any day.”
Joel: “I still don’t know what to give up for lent.”
Billie: “How about promiscuous sex?”
Sophie: “Oh no, Joel, you couldn’t!”
Joel: “It’s not lent yet, baby!”
Phil: “You just talk to people and find out what’s going on, or you follow the music, that sort of thing. It’s like a scavenger hunt... but with alcohol at the end!”
Billie: “They were doing the kind of complex mathematic stuff that means there are sure to be huge mistakes in the final amounts.”
Katy: “Like your maypole?”
Phil: “Or your quilt, Katy?”
Katy: “I was trying to keep the conversation away from my mistakes.”
Tammy: “Grenadine is very heavy and will go straight to the bottom of any drink that you pour it into.”
Ari: “Ah... so that’s why the grenadine sank the to bottom of the pool.”
Billie: “’Bloody Beer: one ounce Bloody Mary Mix, fill with beer.’ Ari, make sure you never curse while ordering alcohol.”
Ari: “I want a bloody beer! What the hell is this? Why is it red?”
(Watching Pirates of Penzance )
SarahL: “I love their boots.”
SarahR: “Yeah... they’re so Rockey Horror.”
Katy: “I’m sure that’s exactly what they were going for.”
(On the way to the Drag Ball)
Dave: “I keep wanting to grab my boobs.”
Jeremy: “Man, I keep wanting to grab your boobs.”
... A fly on the wall at the Drag Ball heard...
Katy: “Chris, you plucked your eyebrows!?”
Kai: “I don’t think Larson Sensei needs to hear about this.”
Katy: “But there are all these scary short men with ponytails running around.”
Chris: “Oh my God! Is my makeup running?”
SarahR: “Guys have it so easy.”
Katy: “Phil, you’re my favorite fairy princess.”
Anne: “We’re not that hard to spot, with Matt in his bright yellow sweater and Kai in his sherbert-colored shirt.”
Kai: “I prefer sorbet.”
Sophie: “Alicia, go back into your room and don’t come out again until you find your tact.”
(The most low-tension description of a test ever encountered)
Larson-Sensei: “And remember, we won’t be having class as usual on Monday, so everyone can go to the language lab instead, and you all owe me an inventory on what you learned in chapter five.”
Billie: “Guess what I couldn’t do today because my iron count was too low. And if your answer is anything other than ‘give blood,’ you’re weird.”
Katy: “Become magnetic?”
Billie: “I think it’s amazing how, even these days, people get so excited about fireworks.”
Katy: “Well, that’s probably because there’s an actual explosion going on in real life.”
Mike: “And sometimes, you just have to sit back and enjoy the pretty colors.”
Mike: “It’s not that I have anything against Carleton, it’s just that my dad threatened to disown me if I went there.”
Billie: “Katy and Jon just stayed for a couple of songs, then they left.”
Mike: “Gee, I wonder where they went.”
Billie: “Oh, they went to bed. Except... I don’t think I would have felt the need to answer that if I had been paying attention to your expression.”
Mike: “Well, they must have been awfully tired.”
We now interrupt this quote page to bring you a special edition of “Katy and Phil respond the quote page,” starring Katy and Phil
Phil: “I love that quote because it’s a complete role reversal. Here’s Katy analyzing the situation and figuring out the psychological stuff behind it while Mike’s saying ‘pretty colors.’ It’s hilarious!”
Katy: “No, it’s true, Jon and I went right to sleep.”
Phil: “Right, Katy.”
Katy: “Really! He had had about six hours of sleep the night before, and I had four and a half—“
Phil: “No one believes you, Katy.”
Katy: “—And he lost his key and he had to sleep in his sister’s room—“
Phil: “Hey Katy, do you know how many people believe you?”
Thank you for your patience. We now return you to your regularly scheduled quote page.
Evil Joel: “So I’ll be taking two classes and be working full time at the ACC.”
Mike: “You said working there was like doing nothing.”
Billie: “But he’ll have to be ready to switch from nothing to work at a moment’s notice.”
Evil Joel: “Yeah, there are varying degrees of nothing.”
Katy: “Here’s an example of Phil-logic. Um.... Grass is good to eat.”
Billie: “No it’s not. It doesn’t have any nutrients and people die when they try to live off of it.”
Katy: “Billie, grass is good to eat.”
Billie: “No, it really isn’t.”
Katy: “Billie? Billie? Good to eat, Billie.”
Daniel: “I really don’t like the word ritual. It sounds so evil.”
Phil: “Like the ritual of baptism?”
Daniel: ”No, baptism’s a sacrament, not a ritual. When I think of rituals, I think like evil Satanic stuff.”
Phil: “Ah, like evil Satanic sacraments.”
Mike: “And after that I decided there was no way I was ever going to share a room with someone who had mental problems again.”
Katy: “You do realize that next year you’re living with a guy whose nickname is Evil Joel, right?”
Katy: “It’s just that all the mystery has gone out of our relationship. I wonder if he likes me? Oh yeah, he does. I wonder if he wants to go steady? Oh yeah, we are. I wonder if he wants to marry—oh yeah, he does.”
Joel: “So if any surprises do come, they could only be bad.”
Katy: “Yeah, basically. You’re sleeping with who? Ménage á what?”
Mike: “They have this statue on campus, the bust of some Carleton guy, and the fun thing is to steal it. The Carleton students do it every year, but I think it’s about time for the Olaf students to steal it.”
Billie: “Hey, do you guys think you could talk about that a bit louder? Sophie and I will be back here pretending we don’t know you.”
(Alliteration time)
Katy: “No, I wasn’t talking to him Mike, I was talking to you Mike.”
Billie: “You could call them Mike from Mohn and Mike from Ell.”
Katy: “But Mike from Ell doesn’t sound nearly as good as Mike from Mohn.”
Michael: “You could call me Michael the Math Major.”
Katy: “But you’re both math majors!”
Michael: “How about Michael the Math Major from Massachusetts?”
Billie: “Michael the Math Major from Massachusetts and Mike the Math Major from Minnesota?”
Mike: “Gee, it’s like they’re avoiding us.”
(A few minutes later) Billie: “Wow, this ‘on a date’ force field is really cool. I wonder if we can find a way to turn it on and off at will.”
Katy: “So I noticed his arm around your shoulder and it was really exciting and I wanted to tell you that his arm was around your shoulder, but then I thought that maybe you had already noticed and that that might have been a bit akward, so I didn’t say anything.”
Phil: “It’s going to be a great party. They’re going to fill these big vats with Mai Tais and—“
Billie: “Phil, you know how I feel about vats of cocktails.”
Katy: “Jon, come here.”
Jonathan: “I can’t because Phil will take manliness points away from me if I do.”
Phil: “Man, you lost them right there just from saying that.”
Katy: “Okay Mike, how about you carry the couch all the way to Ytterboe by yourself?”
Mike: “No Katy, I don’t think I can do that.”
Phil: “But you get four manliness points just for getting asked.”
Mike: “Boo-ya!”
Phil: “And five more for saying boo-ya.”
Katy: “Wait... he gets four for my thinking he can carry a couch across campus and five just for saying boo-ya?”
Phil: “Don’t question the manliness points, Katy.”
(Side note: Billie currently has 4 manliness points.)
1—for keeping a knife on her person at all times
1—for deciding to grease said knife with WD-40 instead of instrument grease
2—for throwing a good punch
Joel: “Hurray! That was the last class! No more ballroom ever!”
Billie: “Ever?”
Joel: “Okay, so I may come back to the club voluntarily, and I’ll probably register for Ballroom II next year, but... but that was the last Ballroom I class that I’ll have to take this semester ever!”
(During finals. Johannes enters the room where Joel is playing funny sounds on his computer as Sarah L. looks on, Chelle is playing a video game, Billie and Mike have their arms around each other and Evil Joel is online looking for desktop themes.)
Johannes: “So, what are you guys doing?”
Joel: “We’re studying. Can’t you see that?”
Katy (big, scary voice): “Aaaah, aaah!”
Katy (little voice): “Ow. I hurt myself.”
Katy (normal voice): “The problem with this kind of injury is that I can’t complain to anyone. ‘Yeah, I was making my stuffed bunny attack me and I hurt my nose.’ Nobody’s ever sympathetic.”
Evil Joel: “Is that a spider on the floor?”
Katy: “Spider? Where!?”
Evil Joel: “Oh, I think it crawled over by your feet.”
Katy: “Ah! Somebody kill it! Where is it?”
Mike: “Katy, you do realize that Joel is a psych major, right?”
Shoelace: “Everyone around here has a nickname. How can I get one?”
Someone: “Don’t ask that, or they’ll call you Shoelace or something.”
Some Guy at the Bar: “So, where’re you from?”
Billie: “Around here.”
Guy: “Doesn’t sound like it. You talk like a Midwesterner.” (End of summer total: 12)
Guy at the Bar1: “Billie, can I ask you a hypothetical question? If you were dating a guy and he called your mother a cunt to her face, would he have any chance with you?”
Billie: “I’ve gotta say, no.”
Guy at the Bar2: “But what if he was really, really sorry?”
Joel: “The dirt here in Washington isn't really dirt at all but an awful mixture of clay and rocks (and water, of course, because it rained yesterday. I don’t know which day you will receive this, but I can say with total confidence that it rained just the day before).”
Billie: “Or she could have decided to dye your arm blue... or your face.”
Kelly: “No, the dye was a natural eye irritant. We actually read the bottle... after we had been soaking our feet in it for three minutes.”
Billie: “It would have been funny if you’d dyed Zahnnie’s face blue.”
Kelly: “Her mom would have killed us.”
Billie: “But it would have been funny.”
Kelly: “You do realize the amount of stuff we’ve done using just that kind of logic.”
Frank: “I don't want to know that officially until it is too late for me to be expected to do as he would have done. So I am pretending to be in Canada. Imagine me hiking merrily. Look, a bear!”
Mitch the Bartender: “Have fun and give your boyfriend a big wet one from me.”
Billie: “I’m not sure how much he’d appreciate that.”
Steph: "No, we're not taking Chelle to SexWorld. She would ask too many questions and I'd end up feeling like the Wife of Bath."
Katy: “My brother’s the random one in the family.”
(Billie and Mike share shocked and disbelieving looks.)
(Later) Mike: “I’d be interested in meeting her brother.”
Katy: “All right, who knows how to get out of here?”
(The guys point in assorted directions.)
Billie: “Alex.”
Katy: “Thank you Billie for actually answering my question.”
Katy: "Wait a second. Mike's dad is named Billy? That’s weird. That's really weird."
Billie: "Would this be a bad time to mention that my dad's name is Michael?"
Katy: "Yes. Yes it would."
Mike: “How much would it take to get you to eat all those packets of taco sauce?”
Evil Joel: (considers) “Man, it’s not worth your dollar this time.”
Mike: “For some reason I forget to write down the quotes that make me look stupid.”
(Small town cultural moment)
Billie: “Two for Moulin Rouge, please. Oh wait, that wasn’t necessary, was it?”
Ticket Guy: “Nope. Everyone who comes at nine is coming for Moulin Rouge.”
Mitch: “Yeah, and I know how much you miss all your friends and ‘the boyfriend.’”
Billie: “Why does he get air quotes?”
Mitch: “Because I’m just calling him ‘the boyfriend.’”
Amy: “Yeah, kids are smart like that. Youth in general is smart. I did something really dumb the other day.”
Billie: “So you’re growing up?”
Amy: “I’m a big kid now!”
Mitch: “I’ll tell ya what. If you stay down here and work full time instead of going back up to school, I’ll give you a hundred dollars.”
Billie: “In a single bill, or in all ones so it looks like more?”
Mitch: “A crisp, new hundred dollar bill. I might even make it two.”
Billie’s Dad (working at Hunter’s Bar for once): “I don’t suppose you keep the cream anywhere actually convenient, do you?”
Billie: “No, we keep it around back in the fridge.”
Guy at the Bar: “That makes a strange sort of sense, you know.”
Kelly: “...And Amy, Chris and Sok were all arguing about which one of them was Lara Croft.”
Billie: “Really? ‘Cause when I saw the movie with Zahnnie, she spend the whole time pointing out things to prove that she was Lara Croft.”
Amy: “No! Zahnnie can’t be Lara Croft because I’m Lara Croft!”
Kelly: “Oh God, now you’ve started her up again.”
Amy: “I even went digging in New Mexico, just to be like Lara Croft!”
Snowflake: “Except that she would never actually dig, she would have someone else do that while she stayed in her mansion.”
Amy: “Well, that’s because... I’m better than Lara Croft. I’m Lara Croft plus one.”
Kelly: “Speaking of which, I’d better get my bedtime story tonight.. though I don’t have the book with me and the little tree tends to curse a whole lot more when Amy has to tell the story from memory.”
Sok: “I have lipstick.”
Kirstin: “Ooh! Makeover from hell!”
Corey: “Yeah, that would be fun to explain tomorrow to my mom who thinks I’m spending the night at John’s house.”
Guy at the Bar: “Yeah, she needs another beer. She’s had a hard week.”
Lady at the Bar: “A hard week? It’s only Wednesday.”
Billie: “Actually, it’s Tuesday.”
Lady: “Really? In that case, I think I’ll take another beer.”
Amy: “But it ruins my self esteem, and I see myself as nothing more than a pair of breasts that get laughed at. As opposed to Zahnnie, who’s a pair of breasts that people like to shove their faces into.”
Kelly: “Except that Zahnnie’s the one shoving their faces into her breasts.”
Amy: “Yes, but this is Zahnnie’s self image; it’s a little warped.”