These personals all come from a weekly zine servicing the English-speaking community of Tokyo. They were hand-selected for their funniness, hilarity or just plain weirdness.
Nice UK guy,
35, wants to meet Japanese college soccer or baseball player, 21-25, for special
friendship. Some English please.
(And by "some English," I hope he means enough to
understand the phrase "special friendship.")
Enjoy with us
Very friendly, open, respectful and totally normal couple seek ladies or couples
to watch us play. Just sit and watch or join in. Totally your choice. No men.
Trainee
master seeks
experienced master with female slave to show me how to treat a slave in a safe
and mutually enjoyable way. This is a serious request for help.
Beautiful
stewardess
seeks first-class handsome European gentleman who is sophisticated and funny.
First let's have lunch or dinner together. Central Tokyo only.
(Sorry, I was really amused by her clever "first-class"
statement.)
Boyish
looking,
tall, Caucasian gentleman in Tokyo sought. Must be cute inside, too. I'm a
simple JF, 30s, 170cm, fun-loving with long hair. Fancy exchanging email first?
(I've heard of beautiful on the inside. I think cute on
the inside is asking for trouble.)
Want to be
girl or lady?
Transvestite, cross dressing, from lingerie to make-up, don't worry.
Rich Japanese
woman.
I'm not poor, so I can afford what I want. I want a very tall, black American
man. Let's have dinner together. You must wear a suit and be intelligent.
Romantic
French male,
28, 186cm, blue-eyed, in stable situation in Japan, seeks serious, intimate,
romantic relationship with a J-girl, 22-30.
(He had me until that "J-girl" thing)
Hey men.
Sweet, cute GWM, just 29, seeks top men, over 40.
Calling US
voters.
Apply for your absentee ballot for the US November elections. Applying takes
minutes. Regretting not voting takes four years. Tell friends to vote, too.
Arabian
night.
Japanese girl, 20s, can speak E/Sp, just started to study Arabic, is very
interested in making a friend from the Arabic world.
Extremely
rich gentleman sought.
Japanese girl, 23, seeks to meet a gentleman who is sincere, generous and
powerful, financially and morally.
(Morally powerful?)
Princess for
you.
I need a wealthy man to spoil me. In return I promise you pleasure and
adoration. You'll love to keep me your little European secret.
Ring a bell.
Lovely, active Japanese girl, 20s, seeks tall, nonsmoking guy with good smile.
Let's enjoy this beautiful weather and have heaps of blast time.
Sincere,
honest, good heart?
I seek to spend valuable time with a person with the same tastes. Mid-30s-40,
health conscious, marriage-minded, caring for quality not quantity, serious
only.
(Vaguest ad ever. It’s like political rhetoric; you think
he’s saying something of substance, but look deeper and you will realize that
he’s not at all.)
Single
bachelor?
Not a playboy? SJF, living in Okinawa, seeks single young millionaire or
executive, white preferred, who wants to visit and move down to Okinawa. Must be
marriage-minded and nonsmoker.
(Wow, that's the first one to actually request a
millionaire.)
Young
boy-next-door,
40-50, sought by outgoing, attractive SJF. Casual, fun, good athlete, young at
heart, sense of humor, great with dogs, nonsmoking and native English speaker.
(I understand painting people in the best light, but there
comes a time when "young boy" or "-girl" is a bit insulting.)
Happy 27th
Birthday.
Television actor in Tokyo, Caucasian-American, world traveler, honest,
well-educated, wonderful personality, 100% gentleman, romantic, funny, tall.
Seeks lasting relationship with any age/race female.
(I don't get the birthday heading, but this has got to be
the most all-around best written ad I've come across.)
Romance in
New York!
Attractive, cool, American man in New York will show you NYC: take you out for
dinner, drinks, and excitement! I can also call you in Japan for language
exchange.
(He must have a really good phone plan.)
(Author's translation of Japanese personal)
Canadian 20 years old.
Canadian understands super little Japanese! Now want friend or girlfriend.
Likes full of hobbies. Likes movies. Please mail!
(Definitely gets an "A" for effort.)
Coming to
London Soon?
Are you a busty yet petite JF, under 30 and a nonsmoker? If so, this Anglo-Irish
guy, 41, would like to hear from you. Own home near Tower Bridge, professional
job, genuine.
Your big
chance.
Seeking a young girl with smooth skin and implants for meaningful conversation.
(I don’t think I even need to make fun of this
one. It speaks for itself.)
Be my slave.
American master, strong and handsome, accepting obedient women, couples, etc,
for slave training. Send your pathetic email now.
Battery
drained
On my electric boyfriend. Maybe it's time for a flesh and blood substitute? If
you like to cook, read and give compliments, I may throw Him out for real.
Warning: Used Him twice a day.
Love, I'm
here.
Fit and romantic lesbian seeks a nonsmoking Caucasian lesbian who is free on
weekends. Gentle and blooming lesbian only. No cheap love, married, couples or
smoky places.
Let's start a friendship
I'm European, 34, live in Tokyo, am good-looking and want to meet a nice,
well behaved Japanese girl for fun or more. I speak E/J/Fr/E.
(I wonder what that second “E” means.)
Nice, prurient, Kokujin
Seeking, estrous, estral, open minded, nice, prurient, salacious,
attractive, cool, sophisticated, professional Japanese woman, who wants
salacious, concupiscent, discreet, good times.
(Those with small vocabularies need not apply.)
Sweet Serenade.
Good-looking California sportsman, 38, plays the saxophone, seeks a
lonely housewife to serenade. Let's share an afternoon of passion.
Genki(=vigorous), yasashii (=nice), takumashii (=robust) and tanomoshi (=trustworthy).
Lesbian couple,
Japanese/American, sought by Japanese/American gay couple, 33 and 42,
in New York, for marriage of convenience. Friends first, serious only.
(Once they find each other, they should make a movie about their lives.)
Hot, blond lesbian sought.
My heretofore straight Japanese girlfriend is shy but has wanted this
for years. Interested in seduction? She is sweet, brainy, has a perfect
body and loves busty blondes.
Passionate SJF
seeks man who understands me. I'm affectionate, passionate, very pretty
and won't ask for money, but I don't speak English. Hope you don't care.
Show me your world.
Poor female seeks someone who would take me to and show me your world.
Not sexual. I want to see a different world. Email w/your profile.
(What a deal! All the benefits of being someone’s mistress, but without having to put out.)
GOOD-LOOKING LONDON GUY ,
rich comedy writer, seeks sexy volunteer to help count and sort over
600,000,000 pachinko balls. No time wasters please! Must send photo of
yourself for reply.
Sugar daddy.
Very good looking, well built and well dressed American lawyer, 45,
seeks very beautiful, stylish and sexy woman (25-30) to spoil and treat
like a princess. Not to be rude, but please do not respond unless you are truly gorgeous.
European late 20s
Single. Not blond, not tall, not blue eyed, not fat, not handsome...but
well educated, healthy, clean, sensitive, smart, wealthy ! Seeks young
rather fat girlfriend non smoker. I speak Japanese.
Active American expat
seeking sex friend. I'm a gentleman, sincere, fun to be with, good sense
of humor, intelligent, nice guy and married. Hope to find someone special for fun times and secret meetings.
(I wonder how he defines “sincere.”)
All for you.
Japanese girlfriend sought by Caucasian guy, fluent in Japanese. If you
have nice feet, I will make you happy.
Sweet, sexy American girl
seeking a Japanese guy for romance and more. We can live in America or
Japan for our future life.
(Doesn’t beat around the bush, does she?)
Curious JF?
Caucasian man in Tokyo seeks to exchange letters about sex with Japanese
females. Tell me about your secret desires and I'll tell you what's
inside the mind of a Western man.
Curious white male,
leaving Japan next month, seeks a Japanese woman to teach me about the
love hotel culture before I go. Give me some special memories before I leave Japan.
Epicurean
yet hardworking professional of letters seeks Venus from the Occident.
Prefer a mature, independent lady with curiosity, self-respect and
multicultural experiences. Mutual trust highly appreciated.
Married, magic for wild woman.
Marvellous, mysterious and married minxes sought by mischievous married
man for moments of major madness.
(The Personals by A-B-C! I wonder what they'll do for X.)
Professional kisser,
Japanese, wants to have a secret encounter. Any nationality. Please call
me evenings
Useless,
inept, uncommunicative guy, mid-30s, tall but average-looking, seeks
girlfriend in Tokyo
(I was making fun of him, but Katy claims she would date him..)
Gentle, gifted, gaijin (=foreigner) by day
seeks exotic but erotic and beautiful bi princess or princesses to assist
his esoteric exploits after dark.
(If he's gaijin by day, is he native Japanese on nights with a full moon?)
Submissive female sought
for domestic personal cleaning duties, mop sponge and uniform provided
for the right candidate.
(Wow, she doesn't even have to provide her own mop? Now that's generosity!)
Are you a brainy girl?
Financially secure IT guy, late 30s, looking for English-speaking brainy
girl. Glasses preferred.
(I wonder if he'll provide glasses for the right candidate.)
A nice, tight skirt.
English guy, 29, nice-looking, seeks a smart, attractive girl who likes
to wear tight skirts and nice clothes for serious relationship.
American attorney,
37, 168cm, 68kg, central Tokyo. Seeks well-educated, creative, ambitious,
single female, under 33, for relationship of equals. No nightclubs, religion, spectator sports or karaoke.
Japanese-American guy
seeks girl who likes casual sex. I'm cute, not fat and kind. You should be the same.
(Sorry, I really tried to limit the ones I put in here for grammatical
ambiguities. Still, who advertises the fact that he isn't kind?)
Desperate men need not apply.
Sometimes late at night I find myself alone. Please help remedy my
situation.
(Sounds like just the situation and requires desperation on both sides to me.)
I'm a hot girl,
my limits are yours. I love girls but the right guys might convince me
to do something naughty. I'm young and sexy and looking for the same.
Mild BDSM?
White, English-speaking male, 40s, seeks married Japanese lady for
daytime fun and language exchange, too. Shibuya to Shinagawa.
(Will be language lessons and BDSM be kept separate or combined, I wonder?)
Naughty Girl?
White gentleman seeks a very naughty slim lady for candlelit dinners,
passionate kisses, erotic nights with a slightly dominant, very handsome man. Total pleasure, no regrets. Married ok.
Active but naughty JM
late 30s, seeks a Western female disciplinarian. I'm interested in being put over a strong woman's knee. I yearn for a traditional spanking. I'm serious.
Copilot sought
by European man, 36. Time to continue to the next stage in life with an
experienced copilot ready to fly even in turbulent weather towards a
common destination yet to be decided.
Serious, punctual boy
sought for long-term friendship. I never judge by race, age or looks and
I'm not into any scene. No racists, proud-posers, photo-seekers or club/bar goers.
Seeking Miss Naughty
Tall dark slim 30s, European male seeks attractive Japanese girlfriend or
partner who is unfaithful, immoral, extremely open minded, naughty and who
believes she should enjoy herself as much as men. Let's enjoy an exciting
life together. AV, Soap lands, hostesses, criminal record all welcome.
Italian man
handsome, well-traveled, slim and tall, seeks Japanese girl who loves sex
for safe encounters. Let's try something new. Quality guaranteed, almost
always. Married ok.
(Quality guaranteed, almost always.)
bold, beautiful
classy woman sought, up to 25, who understands fashion, is simple and sweet
but bold enough to wear a weird outfit to a public party and curious enough
to ask me who I am.
gay male
26, seeks female for first sexual encounter. No strings attached, just
be clean and discreet.
Passionate lady,
up to 35, sought by tall, white male. The objective is to have passionate
experiences in times and places convenient for both of us.
(Is he writing a personal or a term paper?)
Poor, ugly Aussie guy,
29, seeks JF, 24-30, who is calm, loves snow, has a nice body and soul and
wants to love a nice guy.
(He made Katy's short list of personals she would respond to.)
Want to become cool?
Senior Manager, 36, in multinational company, seeks nice partner for
leisure time fun and more. Can teach you English.
(All the cool kids are applying. You should too. Unless you're not cool enough.)
Summer smiles
Seeking my summer romance with sparky young guy for sunny fun at parks,
beaches, etc.
(Ooh, sparky!)
Your princess is here
Cute, sweet, cheeky princess seeks her own prince. Intelligent and
attractive SWM, catch me if you can. No playboys or smokers.
Bad and ugly
heavy drinker, gambler, raunchy, womanizer, sinful as hell and dirtiest of the minds, unsatiable with beautiful sexy girls, lusts for more. Expect surprises.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue, If we'd ever met, you'd not be blue.
(With poetry like that, how could he ever have trouble finding a girl?)
Smoking
fetish.
American male seeks smoking lady to do some sexy smoking for him.
(Some things are simply not a good basis for a healthy
relationship.)
Warm,
open-minded SJM 22,
relaxing, sportsman seeks single foreigner female for friendship or long-team
relationship in Saitama or Tokyo. I have a black belt in Karate. I can be
married.
Vegetarian?
American businessman, around 40, is looking for his vegetarian or
semi-vegetarian soul mate. Young, pretty and beautiful. Let us enjoy life and
shoujin ryouri together!
(Yes, I am looking for my semi-vegetarian soul mate too.)
Sunset and
rain without you.
Don't love money, but love to work. Don't love power, but love to play and sing
to many people. I have all but you.
Les hommes
francophones? (=French-speaking men?)
Un homme japonais, 38 ans, 173cm, 70 kg, cherche des jeunes hommes gays et
francophones. Je les prefere multiculturels et moins lourds.
(A Japanese man, 38 years old, 173 cm, 70kg, is looking
for young, French-speaking gay men. I prefer them multicultural and not fat.)
Cute,
attractive SJF,
29 and mature, seeks her match in Tokyo. I love design, movies, nature, speak
E/J. You must be super attractive, funny and intelligent. Speak French? Even
better.
(At this point Sarah was asking me, "What's up with the
Francophiles?")
“Rich,
fun-loving guy”?
Sorry, wrong ad. Intelligent, attractive, boring French guy prefers to relax at
home. If you define love as something more than sharing social status and sex,
are good-looking, normal, smart, nonsmoking and funny, I guess I'll have to let
you buy me dinner.
(Well, there you have it.)
Alternative
Relationship?
American executive in Tokyo seeks very open-minded Japanese woman to become an
AV star and find financial independence. Must also enjoy fine food, drink and
companionship.
Blue-eyed
male voyeur,
seeks young M/F couple, 21-26, to share your private moments. Watching only.
Some English please.
(Well, I suppose the eye color of a voyeur might make a
difference....)
Italian man
in Tokyo
seeking big busted submissive woman into sexy lingerie and platform shoes. Let's
be friends first.
(I have this mental image of the woman he has in mind, and
she's standing in a precarious position and is about to topple forward.)
Unique
language lesson.
English or Spanish lessons in exchange for sexual massage, hands only. Ladies of
any age are welcome.
Secret
romance.
Husband too busy to take care of you? Let's have fun with his money. Get the
romance that he's not giving you from a nice young man.
(Smart kid. I’ve got to say that much for him, at least.)
Sexually
adventurous lady
sought by a very dirty, good-looking, tall and slim SJM who'd like to fulfill
your dirty dreams including exposure, chikan (=groper on a
crowded subway) play and being tied up.
(If I’ve learned anything from anime, it’s that guys are
the only ones who get off on the exposure and chikan stuff.)
Sweet cherry
in hot summer.
Stupid, dull and naive virgin boy needs girls to train him in the ways of
chemistry. Virgin partners are of course the greatest way to start learning.
Astonishing
beauty seeks you.
Pretty, elegant girl seeks the perfect gentleman to help her through rough
times. You'll get everything you've dreamed of. I'll get rid of old bills.
Straight enough?
Beautiful,
slim SJF
29, honest, cheerful and smart, feels like falling in love with a single,
nonsmoking, gentle guy with the same qualities. I want you to be my sweetheart.
French or British preferred.
Crazy girl.
JF, 25, office worker, D-cup size, said to be sexy. Seeking boyfriend. Honest
and serious only.
(Surprisingly, she is one of the first to mention bust size. Maybe anime doesn't
mirror life after all.)
Shy guy,
24, white, US Navy in Yokohama, seeks a hot girl to have good times with. I like
doing many things.
(I also like to do many things. For example, I like to
clip coupons, cross reference and, um, be more specific in personal ads!!!)