Y2K12 - 22

Y2K12 - Chapter 22

“Don’t shut me out, Todd…please.”

That phrase struck a cord nearly every time. Like a foot stuck in the emotional door Todd tried to close. It had such power; it reached areas he thought were so well hidden.

“It’s stupid.” Todd tried to minimize his feelings, and blow off Jared’s concern.

“I doubt it. Not if it bothers you so much. Did something happen at Mouse’s…did you two get into it?”

Todd shook his head, eyes locked on the floor, but not seeing it, or anything but what was going on in his mind. His guts felt as if they had been tied in knots. He did not want to start this. All he wanted to do was shove it back into whatever corner of his psyche it had come out of. Jared was having none of that.

“Todd…please talk to me.”

The man did not play fair. Todd felt his resolve crumble.

“Mouse has this cat…and I don’t know…forget it…I’m just tweakin’.”

Not much of an explanation to Jared’s mind.

“You’re tweaking ‘cause he has a cat? I’m glad I didn’t get him a dog.”

That caused a pained expression to crease Todd’s face. He tried so hard to hide it. Jared was not about to let Todd off…not this time. Something big was going on with the kid.

“Bullshit, Todd, and we both know it. Don’t give me some lame ass bullshit like you’re just tweaking over a cat. What’s really wrong?”

Jared cussing was a good indication that he was running out of patience, and fast. Definitely not wanting to risk getting the Tank involved again - while his backside still stung a little - Todd gave in. It scared him … to the marrow. It was odd, instead of having trouble telling Jared his secrets, Todd found that he had the words coming in such a rush that it choked and clogged his throat. It was hard to organize them to form clear sentences. Taking a moment to sort them in order, Todd concentrated on speaking slow and tried to filter out the emotions clamoring inside his brain. When he spoke, it was so low that Jared had to strain to hear. The boy’s eyes were trained on the floor.

“I told you that Stan shot… my dog…right?”

Jared remembered that conversation all too well, but he just nodded.

“The cat…sorta got me trip’n. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about Irish today.”

“Irish?”

Todd’s eyes fluttered up to Jared’s for a brief moment, and a bashful smirk played on one corner of the full lips.

“Yeah, lame, huh? I called him that ‘cause he was an Irish terrier - a really cool dog.”

He felt a momentary rush of warm affection at the remembrance of the black, hyper little dog and its well-aimed tongue. Todd squelched the emotional response before he lost any composure. Clearing his voice, he continued.

“Stan brought him home one night from some bar. Some dude just gave him up, I guess. Stan gave him to me…it was the only thing he ever gave me…I …wish he… (cough) I shoulda known better.”

Jared’s guts began to knot. He had a horrible sense of dread.

“Anyway, Irish ran off one day - dogs’ll do that some times, ya know…Bonny found out that he was in some shelter, and Stan said it was my fault that I let him get away and tough shit about it ‘cause he was not getting him out. Cost a lot of money, and even if he had the green he wouldn’t do it. I was really busted up about it. Just proved to Stan in one more way I was stupid, a dummy, a retard, a fucking…screw up - couldn’t even be trusted to take care of a fuck’n dog. Oh, what else did he like to call me? Mormon? … No, it was moron … yeah, a moron…and like always, I just proved him right…again.”

Todd was visibly shaken…his hands were fisted to where the knuckles were white, and he trembled slightly. Jared’s hands were clenched too, with the mental picture of Stan’s neck between them.

“We had this guy next door - he was a really cool dude - and he seemed to like me … I don’t mean like a perv, ya know? But like…I don’t know, a dad or sometin’...he was just cool. He’d slip me comics, toys, and coloring books … food sometimes … even chewed my ass sometimes if I fuc…messed up. He helped me build a bicycle from junk, patched me up after a hairy wreck. I can’t remember his name…I should…fuck!…but I can’t. Fuck, dude I think I sorta had a crush on him…weird huh?”

Todd seemed to grow more upset by the second, his body was rigid and he grew increasingly angry with himself over not being able to remember the man’s name. Anger began to bubble to the surface, and it showed in the boy’s language. Jared chose to leave that alone - this was too important to worry over Todd’s favorite word . . . but he’d monitor it in case it got out of hand. It was agonizing for Jared not to reach out, but he did not want to interrupt Todd.

“…He would even help me out with school stuff…when Stan wasn’t around. Stan hated him … thought he was out to nail Bonny or something, I guess…yeah, whatever, dude. Well…shit…why can’t I remember his name? … typical … Stan always said I was so stupid I could fuck up a wet dream…don’t matter… the dude, whatever the fuck his name was, he bailed my dog outta lock up, and surprised me and Bonny the next morin’ with Irish…dude even paid for shots and brought us…me, really, breakfast too.”

Jared sat stone still as Todd struggled to share his childhood horror tale. Todd’s slight body tensed, and the muscles in his arms flexed as he crushed his hands together.

“When Stan got home, he fuckin’ freaked, dude… so bad that he didn’t yell or nothin’…didn’t even hit me…he just stared at us all, just smiled weird and grabbed the dog and his gun and left in his truck.”

Jared saw a tear slip down Todd’s pale cheek, but it was brushed away with more than a little irritation. Tormented eyes locked on to Jared’s, lips twitched with a heartbreaking nonchalance.

“Hours later, he came home…I stayed up to wait…he came back drunk….no dog.”

Dark eyes hardened, glared at Jared. Todd’s voice raised with anger and accusation.

“I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. You’re thinking maybe he turned him loose, or gave him away, or was just fuck’n with my head. “

That was exactly what Jared was thinking.

“Nope. Bonnie said he killed him. I asked her and she never doubted it…not once. I told her that if he hurt my dog, I was gonna go live with someone else…get this…she agreed. He freaked her out too. That night, they yelled at each other so much that he left me alone. Stan even ran off the dude…he moved … never saw him after that. You know, Stan got a charge out of the whole thing. Power trip, or something … I think he got off on it. He even told me he blew it’s head off…nice, huh? …I sorta remember him saying that…I think. Look Jared, here’s proof I’m fucked up…half the time I doubt that really happened, or any of this shit…my life… gets sorta fuzzy and messed up…and then I can only remember bits and pieces. Pretty fucked up if you can’t remember shit like that, huh?”

The question was rhetorical and Jared was given no time to answer. Just as well, his throat was tight with several emotions. Outrage was the most prevalent.

“I know one thing for sure, though…I didn’t know what hate was…not really, not before that … but I do now. It helped when he was being a prick. After Irish, my only pets were the half-done taxidermy trophies Stan kept in my room. I was just a little kid, how fucked up is that? I had this fuck’n fiberglass deer head over my bed for years…only the horns were done. Sometimes I think…maybe he just gave the dog away, too…but I know…er…knew Stan, and that’s just fuck’n fantasy. Other times, I can’t help but picture the dog…after…after he, ya know… just left him there all alone and…dead. I’m a puss, I uh…I don’t do dead well. I still have nightmares from it - dunno why. Fuck, I hope he at least buried him….” Todd said quietly, almost as if to himself.

“I sometimes get to forget about it…for a long time, then it just sorta creeps up on me once in awhile to fuck with me…works, too.”

Todd had no idea why he was rambling off his secrets. He couldn’t seem to help it, or stop it. There was a need inside Todd for Jared to understand what kind of messed up man he was dealing with. He looked nervously at Jared. As if he was expecting some sort of recrimination. Or worse pity - that he hated above all else. Jared had none for him. His face was the same stern 'Tank' Todd had come to know so well.

“Not only am I a wuss…I’m a fucked up wuss. Not only that…I’m a whiney-assed, fucked up wuss.”

Jared gripped Todd’s chin firmly.

“You are no wuss, Todd, and you’re not fucked up, so knock that off.”

Todd’s mouth quirked oddly at one corner.

“So does that mean I’m just whiney-assed?”

Completely taken aback by Todd’s misplaced humor, Jared stared at him.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.”

Jared shook his head and ignored the obvious ploy to throw the conversation off track. Jared cupped his large palm around the back of Todd’s neck. The skin was clammy and cool. The kid was a bundle of nerves. Jared spoke with firm clear words.

“You were a little kid, and that man used the lowest tricks in the bag to control you. Talk about a mind job. It’s not your fault, Todd. You need to know that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Jared was not convinced as Todd spoke to his toes.

“Do you, Todd?”

Young shoulders shrugged.

“Yeah…um…sure. I used think it was, though. I’d think stuff like it would have been better if the shelter had kil…um…put him down…it would … just would have been … what’s the word? … More humane?” Todd spoke as if he were reading instructions out loud, and with the same enthusiasm.

“And if I hadn’t been such a pussy about some dog, what’shisbutt would not have gone to the pound to get him, and Irish would have had a chance. It was my fault he got shot, because I had to go and get all freaked over some stupid…”

Jared thought that for someone who USED to think these things, they sounded awfully fresh to him. It was clear that Todd still harbored guilt over the dog.

Todd’s voice caught unexpectedly and he had to struggle to regain composure.

“Look, I know it’s not my fault…(cough)…Stan’s the sick fuck that…(cough) …that shot…my…(choke) my…” the words trailed off unfinished and lodged in his throat, control was lost as images flashed over and over. Todd grew very silent, and looked at Jared like he had just realized this horror, instead of living with it for years.

“Fucker…(gasp)…he shot my…my fuck’n dog, Jared (choke).”

Bending low, resting his forearms on his knees, Todd’s hands clasped behind his neck as he began to rock back and forth, a physical manifestation of his battle with emotions. Hearing the words he’d never…ever spoken aloud to anyone, made the pain feel raw and fresh.

Todd could not stop the pain that ripped his chest, nor could he stop the tears that burned his eyes. He had not ever cried over Irish … not when Stan took off with the dog, and not even when Stan came home without Irish . . . so why now? God, it hurt so much still. Jared had an unsettling effect on Todd’s emotional control. When he was close, Todd had less control over it … like now. Just knowing Jared was there, with his great arms around him, shook Todd’s barriers to their foundation. A small, sneezing sob broke free at the compassionate touch.

“Ah…fuck…(choke).”

Todd’s tear-clogged voice echoed up to Jared, as Todd lost his hold on himself. Jared eased his arms around Todd’s bowed back, expecting to be brushed off. Todd did nothing. A quiet whimper escaped him only once, then just the odd sniff or gasp for air. Jared could feel the silent sobs as they stormed Todd’s body. Jared did not speak, but just muttered deep soothing sounds and began rubbing Todd’s back and shoulders, stilling the agitated rocking. Jared worked his hands slowly up the boy’s neck, kneading the cords of tight muscles, willing Todd to let go of his tight grip on control…with minimal success. Only the slightest of sobs were audible, but Todd unpredictably allowed himself to melt into Jared’s embrace. Jared’s comforting touch destroyed Todd’s defenses - it was so easy to lean into the man and give up. Strong arms circled around him and made him feel safe … he gave himself that. He wanted to feel this … even for just a moment. It was some time before the muted skirmish of emotion had passed and mellowed into hiccups. Todd pulled away, and sat up, wiping his eyes and nose with his shirt. Jared smoothed back hair from a clammy, pale face. Red, swollen eyes avoided Jared’s.

“Okay?”

The dark head nodded a timid affirmative.

“Just fucks… messes me…up sometimes,” Todd mumbled a low explanation, feeling the need to, as he accepted a tissue for the tears that had welled up again.

“…I hate this shit!”

Jared nodded sympathetically. He could understand why, but said nothing - just pulled Todd back to him and let the remainder of emotions fade back to where Todd kept them hidden. He was surprised and pleased that Todd was willing to allow the intimacy. When Todd was more himself, and pulled away again, Jared handed him the cooling milk.

“Here. Finish this, and let’s get you into bed.”

Todd downed the lukewarm milk, and even let Jared tuck him in. He was asked to lie down on his stomach. He did so with just a hint of distrust. Jared opened a bottle of lotion Todd did not see him bring in. Jared put some on his hands, and began to work the muscles of Todd’s back. There was a floral herbal perfume scent to his hands.

“I’m gonna smell like a whore.”

Jared chuckled at the gripe, and spoke with easy humor.

“Yep, and a cheap one too. You can shower it off later. It will help you sleep. Old Indian trick, Kemosabi.”

Whatever was in the lotion seemed to work. The scent was not so bad, and with the rubbing Todd began to relax.

Todd was silent so long Jared thought he had drifted off. Then he granted Jared with one of his rare admissions.

“You know what’s really fucked…um…messed up? …Outta everything that Stan or anyone else that has…hur…uh…hit…um…done to me, THAT has fucked me up the most … Irish, I mean. It was just some dog, right? …And he is the one that got dead, not me…so why does this fuck me up so much? It’s like beat me, tease me, mind fuck me…molest me even…fine…all good, minus a thing about hot dogs…but I’m fucked up over him killing my dog? How fucked up is that, dude? People live with worse shit than this…right? Sometimes it’s like a bad movie in my head…everything just plays over and over and all fucked up. I can’t make it stop. It makes my head hurt sometimes. I wish I could just forget. It just gets bad sometimes. Shit, like just get over it already, right?”

Jared kept working out he knots in Todd’s back and neck, and began to massage his scalp too, ignoring Todd’s slips in language. It was baseless, and this was not the time to reprimand. The kid was trying, for the most part - telling Jared in his own honest words what was going on inside.

“Not so easy as that, kiddo. What do you do when it gets bad?”

Todd lifted his head up to look at Jared.

“You don’t wanna know.”

Jared pushed Todd’s head back down.

“You’re probably right, but tell me anyway.”

A long sigh escaped Todd’s lungs.

“Hustle pool, ride an stuff, get in fights sometimes….all the time, pretty much… go to raves, or sometimes I just take off to wherever.”

Todd rambled with an air of boredom he was far from feeling. He did not mention the more dangerous games he would join in, to hide from the dark thoughts that would plague him. Like the night Jared found him in the zone. Or the things he would do to himself. Laying face down, his bottom was ripe for a smack, and he wisely choose to keep some secrets secret.

“Could I get you to come talk to me? “

There was a long pause before Todd spoke, as he weighed his answer.

“ Dunno. I can’t promise.”

“Fair enough, as long as you know I’ll bug you if you don’t.”

Todd huffed.

“Dude, when don’t you bug me?”

“…and beat your ass if you do something stupid or dangerous.”
Todd swallowed a large gulp…that summed up most of his activities, stupid and dangerous. Jared massaged until Todd began to nod off. When he rose to move away, Todd woke up with a start and grabbed Jared’s forearm. He was immediately embarrassed, but he did not let go.

“Jared…um…hang out…just till I go to sleep. Just, I’m kinda freaked…ya know? It won’t stop playing in my head. I know I’m being a little bitch, but just stay alright…please. ”

Jared sat back down and frowned.

“Ansley, you best knock that crap off right now. You are not a little bitch. I don’t want to hear anymore talk like that - not unless you want to sleep on your stomach every night for the next few days.”

Todd didn’t mind the lecture so much as long as Jared was sitting down next to him. He needed him right now. When did this happen? He wondered to himself, but cared little for the answer. It didn’t make sense; nothing he felt for Jared did. Todd had always steered away from any attachments, what few attempts made from the opposite party was brushed off, and he was gone down the road. Right now, that did not matter. Now all that mattered was that Jared was staying.

Todd was so sleepy, he was having trouble keeping his eyes open but was afraid of more bad dreams…they terrified him sometimes. Sinister, scary thoughts entered his mind sometimes when his dreams and memories really got to him… he thought back to Clare and her Star Wars movies, of how he identified with the one character that fought the temptation of the Dark side. Todd had his own Dark side that called. It scared him, and tempted him at the same time. He had never given in to the dark thoughts yet. Jared’s deep voice broke Todd free of his thoughts.

“Would you feel better if you slept in my room tonight?”

Feeling torn between being indignant and embarrassed, Todd really wanted that, but how must it look to Jared? Here he’d been demanding his manhood, and yet at this moment, even his most independent side with all it’s angry bravado and pride wanted the comfort of Jared next to him, just in case things got bad tonight…again.

Todd could only nod ‘yes’. Feeling like some little kid, he followed to Jared’s room, nearly turning back several times in the few yards it took to reach the king-sized bed. His stomach was in knots, he felt close to tears again as fear fought with the pride in him. Given the choice of a night of terror in the dark…entertaining ghosts … or a night of swallowing truckloads of manly pride sleeping next to Jared all night…Todd chose the latter as he climbed into the huge bed.

“Roll on your side.”

Todd felt Jared’s large body up against his back…he was maneuvered into a spooning position. He couldn’t help tense up … what would Jared expect? Would he try something? Todd wondered if he’d let him if he did. It was what he wanted, what he’d fantasized since the cabin. Being with Jared like this…well not exactly like this. He felt his lower half began to respond to the idea of sharing a bed. If Jared noticed, he paid him no mind, and just laid his warm hands on him, rubbing his back and shoulders until he began to relax again.

“That’s it…relax, Ansley.”

Jared’s hand massaged its way up his neck and into his hair. Warm waves of pleasure traveled down Todd’s spine calming him, lulling his mind. Soon under Jared spell, he was to helpless to do anything but breathe. He moved his head against the large fingers that raked his hair. He’d purr if it were possible.

“I hate it when you call me that,” Todd mumbled sleepily.

“Call you what?”

“Ansley. It makes my stomach all weird - I don’t like it.”

Jared grinned at the more pronounced drawl in Todd’s petulant tone. He continued to drag his fingers through Todd’s silky hair, massaging the scalp.

“Okay, Todd. How’s the head?”

“Better.”

“Good, now quiet and go to sleep.”

It was better … the headache was all but a memory. Jared’s big body up next to him felt so good and warm. As he relaxed, the mental images began to fade back into their shadows, and soon they disappeared in the warmth of muscular arms.

Todd felt an odd sensation as he thought over all he had told Jared tonight. He would have thought that he’d feel creeped out, or something like it. Instead, there was something about telling Jared all of that. It felt good in a weird way. He’d never been able to tell anyone before - never wanted to. With this guy, he seemed to have little choice … secrets seemed to want to jump out. Todd had a good idea why, and it scared him more than his demons. His feelings for Jared were strong, feelings that he sworn to people and himself had long been dead to him. Todd was afraid to look to deeply at that. This was something that could really hurt him, if he didn’t keep it a secret. So for now, he just took and enjoyed the feeling of Jared’s hands and allowed himself to be held, not labeling the feelings that bubbled inside.

Todd’s body might have responded further to Jared’s touch, but sleep claimed him first. Jared kept curled up against Todd long after he was sure the boy was sleeping. Todd’s slender frame fit perfectly against his bulk. It felt good and it felt right. Jared stayed awake along time, fighting his body’s reaction to the sweet body next to him. He could no longer fight his feelings…he was in love with Todd. This is what he wanted - Todd next to him each night. When the time was right for Todd, he would broach that subject. For now, for tonight, this was enough. Jared had one of Todd’s hands in his as he peered over the boy’s shoulder to inspect the long fingers. He frowned at the slight bruising on the back of Todd’s hand where he had hurt himself from clenching his fist so tight. The boy had a real bad habit of doing that. Enough people had done that for him . . . Todd did not need to add to it. Jared would be more observant in the future.

Placing a soft, kiss at the nap of Todd’s neck, Jared drifted off to sleep feeling very at peace as he stood guard against Todd’s demons. When his alarm woke him up later that morning, it seemed as if he had just laid his head down. Todd just groaned and snuggled deeper against Jared, not wanting to wake up and deal with last night. He just wanted to feel this a while longer…feel safe.

Jared let the kid sleep a bit longer. He was in no hurry himself to get up. Waking Todd was easier than Jared had anticipated. Todd got up, showered and was at the breakfast counter in less than an hour, gym bag packed and set by the elevator. Todd was as relaxed and almost as cheerful as Jared had ever seen him - drug free, that is.

“Okay, what will it be Todd, big breakfast or light? Brian and I like a big meal before a game.”

A noise very much like a laugh came from Todd’s side of the counter.

“Dude, when don’t you two eat a big meal?”

Tossing a towel in Todd’s face, Jared enjoyed the rare banter and the kid’s light mood.

“Just toast.”

“That’s too light, boy…how about a shake and some muffins?”

Todd agreed, and watched the large man make breakfast. He could not remember feeling this good. He woke up a little groggy feeling, and his sinuses were stuffy, but crying always did that to him. He felt a little strange that he had opened up like that last night, but Jared seemed normal to him and was not making a big deal over it. Jared seemed in a good mood, so Todd went with it. He was excited to get out and have some fun.

Twenty minutes later, both men were greeting Deek and a blurry-eyed Mouse in the garage. It was very odd and uncomfortable for Todd. It was the first time he was leaving the building legally without Jared. He didn’t know what to expect, but the unconcerned…normalcy . . . was definitely not it. Nobody seemed to recognize this was bigger than just a day out with the guys…it was the first day out, let alone the first without Jared.

“Todd, are you alright? “ Jared asked. He noticed right off that Todd had withdrawn from the conversation and seemed miles away.

Unsure how to answer, Todd was confused on how he felt. He fluctuated between excitement and almost a panic at the thought of going. A part wanted to stay here where he knew what to expect and felt safe. Even while getting angry with himself for being so weak, he could not shake the unease of leaving Jared.

“Yeah, fine.”

Knowing that this was far from fact, Jared motioned Todd aside, while Deek and Mouse got into the car.

“Well, you don’t seem fine to me. You’re a little pale.”

“I’m cool…it’s just…I don’t know.”

“It’s just what?” Jared was not about to let him off the hook - he was so close to confiding.

Unable to make eye contact, Todd studied his new athletic shoes.

“Feels weird…that’s all.”

Jared knew what he meant. He, himself, felt uncomfortable not going with Todd. This was a big step for both of them in trusting each other. Trust was a foreign concept to Todd.

“Yeah, I know, but I’m a big boy now, Todd. You have to let me learn to do some things on my own,” Jared said teasingly, wanting to take the edge off the tension they both felt. It worked. Todd rolled his eyes in exaggerated annoyance, and let loose a chuckle…as he walked away to leave. But he stopped a few feet away.

“Hey, Jared, um…thanks.”

“For what, kid?”

Todd’s face grew pink, but he looked Jared in the eye. Todd jammed his fists in his pockets…the perfect portrait of a shy teenage boy.

“Letting me go…ya know… with the guys and…um…for last night.”

Scarcely able to believe his ears, Jared thought his heart would swell beyond his ribcage. He fought to keep his reaction mild, and told Todd that’s just how things worked and to have a good time.

Seconds later, Deek drove the boys out of the garage and into a very sunny day that promised some major heat. Mouse played tour guide and pointed out places of interest for someone he and Todd’s age. The movie theater - this part of Denver only had the one theater back up and running. In the last 4 or 5 years, Hollywood had rebuilt itself from the darkness of the black out. There was a skateboard park; Mouse’s main hang out. And he signaled the party locations as they passed them.

Todd was also warned of the places to avoid, and where the safety border was. The area where this part of the city that was generally back to life, rebuilt and safe, met the areas of Denver that were not. Mostly the outer city limits. There were check points set up to protect those who traveled and those who were inside the city limits, but like all check points and borders, there are ways to get past unnoticed. Todd had had no problems getting into Denver, nor did he have any trouble finding the most lawless area of the city - the Zone. Deek got involved in the conversation at this point. He told both boys that they’d best stay away from that area of town, or they could look forward to lots of time sleeping on their stomachs. 21 or not, they could count on a sore ass for that.

“But, Deek, you said that when I turned 21, it be cool,” Mouse protested.

“I lied,” Deek replied with a tight smile.

“Brah, that’s just wrong!”

“So, sue me.”

Deek drove into a nice, heavily treed neighborhood. The houses were all very nice; most of them looked old to Todd. There was a center divide of big trees that separated the street. To Todd, it looked as if they had driven back in time or to some alternate universe. This area looked untouched and unaffected by the happenings of the past decade. The homes were nestled in fairly close, with well-manicured lawns, and adults and kids moved about the sidewalks freely, with little concern for danger.

Mouse elbowed Todd out of his gawking.

“Yeah, freaked me out, too, first time I came down here. Ain’t natural, huh?”

Deek pulled up to a small park that had several basketball courts, tennis courts and a playground, all surrounded by tall fencing. Lots of activity here - kids of all ages playing and very dutiful parents keeping a close eye on them. Brian waved his family over to a court where he was standing with a small group of men.

Todd felt weird and fidgety as Brian made the introductions to his friends, unsure how Brian would introduce him - as a nephew, foster son…Jared’s boy toy? Todd prepared for the reactions, of course preparing for negative reactions. Naturally shy to begin with, Todd’s bashfulness increased at being out of his element. Brian was aware of the boy’s discomfort. Winking at the kid, who seemed a little lost and uncomfortable, Brian got a look of surprised gratitude when he introduced Todd as…

“This is Todd, my little in-law.”

The men split into two teams, Deek and Brian on one with a friend and a volunteer who was invited to play. Mouse and Todd with two employees of Brian’s. Brian soon found out that he and Deek had unleashed a deadly duo. The boys found their talents quickly. Mouse was more accurate at making the shots, and Todd was a phenom at offense and getting the ball to Mouse and the others on his team. Where Todd had been shy moments before, he was aggressive on the court now. He was not intimidated at all by Brian. Within moments, the game had become an intense personal battle between the two - the others were just a means to a score.

“C’mon, little man…think you got game? … Let’s bounce.”

Words Brian soon came to regret. He managed to keep up with Todd, but at the high cost of a few taunting, rude comments that were aimed at his age and his moves, as well as some bruises. Not to mention a great deal of exertion. The kid was running Brian’s older legs off. Both had stripped out of the tearaway pants down to baggy athletic shorts. Todd had taken his t-shirt off and tucked it into the back of his shorts - which hung so low on his hips, Brian was temped to pants the kid the next time he was called ‘Gramps’. Todd got a few nods of admiration on his tattoos from the other players, but he was given no slack on the game.

Sweat poured off both men as they refused to give each other an inch. Todd did not think Brian had as much endurance as he did. Todd had misjudged there. Brian was impressed, and did not insult Todd by giving less than his best efforts to thwart the kid’s moves. Todd gave as good as he got, and did not back down before Brian’s bulk.

“C’mon, young boy…show me what you got…show me the stuff.”

Todd demonstrated his “stuff”, plus a few other talents of his. Such as, his uncanny ability to be aware of everything that was going on around him, even in the fray of an intense game . . . and perhaps his most troubling habit, his hair trigger temper.

Todd was working vigorously to pass the ball to Mouse. Brian was all over him, and Mouse had his own hands full with the guy that had volunteered. The human brick wall, as Todd had come to think of Brian, was living up to the moniker. Todd had to work hard to get past Brian’s defense.

Then out of the corner of his eye, Todd saw Mouse take a wicked sucker punch to his sternum. Before Mouse hit the ground, Todd had tackled the other player and began pummeling him with his fists. It happened so fast, that before Brian and the others could break it up, both Todd and the larger man were bloodied. Todd had to be literally ripped off the other man. Brian actually had to work hard to hold the enraged boy in his grasp.

“Todd! Knock it off! Nick, get rid of him…get him out of here.”

Brian managed to shout orders to remove the other player from the park, and for Deek to check on Mouse. Leaving himself to handle a wildly thrashing Todd. Having no other choice but to put Todd in a near strangle hold, Brian growled in his ear as he gasped for air.

“Boy, you best simmer down. I’m going to let you go now, and you’re going to settle down or the ride home will be very uncomfortable…understand, Todd?”

All Todd could manage was a nod - breathing was becoming hard from the chokehold, stealing his strength to fight. Then the steel bands that Brian used for arms let loose. Standing there breathless, Todd began to regain his control, and trepidation replaced rage. Avoiding eye contact, Todd’s gaze slid over to Deek as he was helping Mouse to his feet. Mouse seemed okay, except that he was holding his stomach. Brian followed Todd’s gaze.

“Deek, how’s Mouse?”

“Got the wind knocked out; he took a good hit. I think he’ll live - just hurting right now.”

Deek said he was taking Mouse home, and the two left Brian and Todd alone on the court. Brian took in Todd’s battered state. Not paying any attention to the boy’s complaints or attempts to brush him off, Brian yanked Todd’s t-shirt from the back of his shorts and tried to staunch Todd’s bleeding nose with it as he ushered him towards the gate.

“Don’t talk…just walk. Hold your head back to keep pressure on this.”

Once at the car, Todd was made to lay down in the back seat with firm orders not to move or sit up. Neither spoke on the short drive to Brian’s home. Todd was sweating bullets by the time they arrived. The man was too intense. Todd nearly jumped out of his skin when Brian reached in to help him to his feet. Brian seemed to pay no attention, just rushed him inside and into the nearest bathroom - a half-bath in the hall off the foyer.

Brian was very aware of the boy’s nervousness. He wasn’t intentionally adding to it, he was just more concerned about getting Todd taken care of than about conversation. Putting the lid down on the toilet, Brian ordered Todd to sit.

“Sit down, slugger. Let’s have us a look.”

Brian’s tone was harsh, but his face did not carry the expected signs of doom . . . the clenched jaw, veins popping out, cold eyes . . . nothing but concentrated concern.

“I’m… alright. I can get it,” Todd tried to brush off Brian’s attentions. A look he was intimately acquainted with graced Brian’s face. Gooseflesh rippled down Todd’s arms. Perhaps he was premature in his assessment of doom.

“Plant your caboose…now.”

Not taking his eyes off Brian, Todd obeyed . . . hating himself for sitting so quickly. Wetting a washcloth, Brian surveyed the damage to Todd’s face. There was a lot of blood under his nose, on his cheek, down his chin and on his chest too. He began to bath him like a little kid. To break the weird silence, Todd spoke quietly.

“I thought you lived in a penthouse like Jared.”

“I did…we moved here about 6 months ago. Sorry, I’m trying to be careful, little man.”

Conflicting emotions warred inside Todd’s mind. He was both indignant at the treatment and strangely comforted by the care. Regardless of how he felt, there was not much he could do about it. Todd was surprised how gentle the big man was as he dabbed away the dried blood from his nose and face. It hurt, but Brian was taking great care to lessen the pain. Sitting there with his face turned up into Brian’s, Todd had a good opportunity to study the man. It was uncanny how much the brothers looked alike - same facial features, coloring and those clear green eyes. It was like looking into Jared’s future, but there was a hardness to Brian that Jared lacked…so far. Todd couldn’t help but tremble a little. Stepping back, Brian looked at the clean face and chest. The nose was not broken and no longer bleeding, but he’d have a black eye soon. A dark shiner was already developing, and Todd had a nasty scrape on his cheekbone. Not too deep, but it still oozed. Brian scowled over how much damage had been done in the few moments the fight had lasted. Jared was going to have his hide, he knew, making his scowl deeper. Brian studied the scratch to see if it needed more attention.

“His watch,” Todd simply stated at Brian’s dark look. The boy reached up to test the tender spot.

Grunting his understanding, Brian opened the medicine cabinet and got some first aid antiseptic, ointment and a large bandage.

“That was quite a show, kid. Fighting seems to be a habit with you, but it is not allowed in this family, Todd. I know Jared has made that clear to you . . . more than once, I hear… but perhaps not clear enough.” Brian finished cleansing Todd’s cheek. Todd couldn’t help the shivers the man’s tone caused to run down his spine.

“Self defense? Sure, without question. But not brawling, and that was brawling. Understand me?”

There was a quality to that baritone that made Todd’s eyes water, having little to do with the sting as Brian applied the antiseptic.

Brian felt the boy tremble under his fingers. Good thing the kid was sitting on the toilet, Brian thought. Todd looked like he could pee his pants any moment.
Getting no answer, just stony silence from Todd, Brian moved back and leveled his stern gaze at the boy.

“Todd, do you understand me?”

As much as Todd resented being scolded, Brian intimidated him too much to say what was on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he gave into self-preservation.

“Yes, sir.”

Brian was conscious of how uncomfortable Todd was becoming. It was noticeable in his whispery voice. He decided to take this conversation into the study - less confined and more comfortable. Todd took the proffered wet rag, and cleaned up his chest, and under his arms too, then slipped back on his t-shirt - which looked like someone had been murdered - before following Brian down the hall.

“I best howdy the wife. Wait in here, we need to have us a little discussion. I won’t be long.”

Todd had to bite his tongue before he snapped that Brian could take as long as he liked. Startled, Todd jumped when the phone rang. He was strung tight as a bow waiting for Brian to come back, and he had no doubt that Brian would have his hands do the talking.

The study was much like Jared’s - all dark wood - but looked older and much more ominous. The hairs on the back of Todd’s neck stood out. Someone was behind him. Instinctively, he knew it was not Brian or Jared. Turning around, he found a little kid with a ball watching him. He toddled over to Todd and tried to hand him the ball, but it popped out of his chubby, little hands and rolled under a coffee table. The kid crawled under, got his ball and backed out. Before Todd could stop him, the little boy smacked the top of his head on the table. The kid had that shocked look, as he stared up at Todd like he was waiting to decide if he would cry or not. The kid opened his mouth . . . at first nothing came out, just a deep gasp, then, as Todd stood in horror, the brat let loose a blood curdling wail.

“No, no, shh, shhh, don’t cry…um shut up, kid. Awww, little dude shhhush…please…shut up.”

Todd desperately tried to remember his name.

“Jonny, Jimmy… er, JAMIE…shush, Jamie…it’s okay…don’t cry, kid . . . please . . . aw, fuck, don’t cry.”

Todd shushed and cooed at the toddler to try and stop his crying. Jamie lifted his short, little arms up for Todd as he screamed like a siren. Unsure of what else to do, Todd reached down to try and comfort Jamie. Brian, now fully dressed, walked in the study door with Jan right behind. Even to Todd’s own mind, this looked bad.

Brian opened his arms to catch his son, as the kid ran to him. Green eyes looked to Todd, but before he could ask a single question Todd blew up.

“I didn’t do nothing!” Todd shouted at them.

“Todd…”

Taken aback by his behavior, Brian moved toward Todd.

“Calm down…what’s…”

Panic took over. Todd jumped out of the way, placing a chair between him and Brian and taking up a defensive posture, fists raised. Todd’s heart was beating so fast and hard it felt like it was slamming into his ribs. This was going to be bad, very bad. He knew without a doubt that Brian was going to beat him into human butter.

“NO! You ain’t touching me, asshole! I didn’t fuckin’ touch him!”

Brian froze, and drilled Todd with a penetrating green stare. Brian quietly handed his still squalling son to his bewildered wife.

“Jan here, take Jamie and close the door.”

“Brian…I don’t think I should…”

Not taking his eyes from Todd, Brian spoke softly, but with a more dangerous quality as he repeated himself clearly.

“Go and close the door.”

Jan gave the two men a concerned look, and reluctantly left, closing the door and leaving Todd alone with the human wall and no witnesses. Brian’s face was about as readable as a wall. Todd was trembling visibly, from fear or rage at the unfairness, he didn’t know, but he was not going to go down like a wimp.

“Just let me leave…I’ll just get my shit and go.”

Brian moved, hands raised in open gesture and his tone firm and low.

“Todd, settle down. You’re not going anywhere … what is the mat-”

Todd backed up and shouted at Brian, looking frantically for a way out.

“This ain’t fuck’n right! … Leave me the fuck alone! I didn’t do anything . . . it’s not my fault…it’s not my fuck’n fault!”

Todd looked ready to fly apart; he was working himself up to a lather. Brian noted the wild look to his eyes and the tense body. Knowing he’d never get within two feet of the boy without completely setting him off, Brian stopped. Growing increasingly irritated with the cussing, and unsure how to handle this kid, Brian relied on the only experience he had with teenage boys - discipline. Yet how? Without cornering the….

“Corner…now.”

Snapping his fingers sharply, Brian’s voice ordered with a dangerously calm tone as he pointed to the corner of the wall. That brought Todd up short. Confused by what the man said, Todd thought Brian had lost his mind…what was he talking about? …Then it hit. Todd backed away, with Brian shadowing him.

“ Fuck that…no fucking way…I didn’t fuck’n…this ain’t right…I didn’t fuck’n doooo anything!”

Adrenaline flooded Todd’s panicked brain. He was being blamed for something he didn’t do, he was not about to just stand there and take it . . . and he sure as Hell was not gonna face any corner and turn his back on this man.

Brian watched as Todd looked at the corner and back, a look of pure hate was shot at him.

“Fuck you! This is fucked up… fuck’n sucks ass…you won’t fuck’n listen…”

Panic attack or not, Brian was not going to take that kind of language from Todd. Brian materialized before Todd in a blink of an eye. A strong arm nearly catapulted Todd out of his shoes! He landed belly down over a hard thigh raised on the chair. Unlike Jared, Brian did not give Todd a chance to react or fight. Immediately a large palm began cracking down on the upturned butt. Brian spanked with rapid but well measured blows, each more painful than the last. The first few were numbed by shock, but those that followed Todd felt fully. His thin, nylon basketball trunks gave him no protection from the increasing sting. Once Brian was sure that he had the boys complete attention, he spoke with an absolute authority that had Todd rattled enough not to fight back.

“You got that right …I will not listen to any more of that kind of talk from a little boy. ”

That was all that Brian said. Having had no intentions of punishing the boy for fighting, or any other reason prior to his tantrum, Brain made it a short, but powerful, message. He walloped Todd plenty hard to make his opinion on cussing clearly understood. When Todd was set back on his feet, his butt was stinging, and so were his eyes as he glared at the larger-than-life man. Brian spanked very hard - just his large hand did some real damage. Todd made a mental note to avoid any more tantrums around this guy.

“That was for that mouth of yours. Kid, it’s on overload, so you best turn it down or we will just make that a warm up. Now you’ve got to the count of five to get your nose in that corner and cool off.

Dark brown eyes glittered in defiance. Todd’s backside stung hotly, but no one was going to make him do that. He would take more, if necessary, to stand his ground. The idea of him standing like some brat in the corner was not going to happen. He opened his mouth but Brian was having none of it.

Brian’s voice never raised, it was chillingly calm and brooked no disobedience. It was the belt he was pulling from his pant loops that had Todd’s full attention.

“Corner, Todd…one…two…”

Unsure what to do…he had not counted on that. Todd’s eyes darted from the corner to the belt. Todd’s throat worked against the invisible hand that was choking him.

“Threeee…”

“C’mon dude…this is horse sh…crap.”

“Fooooour.”

“Fuc…um…I’m not some kid…I’m 18!”

Brian just pointed at the wall, advancing on the boy, and snapped the doubled- over leather loudly. The time-honored intimidation paid off as it has done throughout the ages…the teen jumped at the sound. Unnerved, Todd edged his way over to the corner. His anger was barely contained, but the belt in Brian’s hand was a powerful persuader. Todd walked into the corner with a stiff spine and fisted hands at his sides, just as Brian counted five.

“Eyes to the wall.”

The mental note he had just made to avoid trouble was forgotten. Two seconds later, Todd’s temper snapped…mildly, for him. Todd practically saw red - his temper burned so hot it felt like his face was going to explode into flames. He could not hold it back but he could not lash out at Brian either. Unable to eat his anger, Todd’s right fist smashed into the wall, making his already burning eyes flood with fresh tears. Relishing the satisfactory pain that washed over him, he considered hitting it again. A large hand took his fist and yanked him around so narrowing eyes could examine his aching knuckles. Todd tried to resist the tender cage of Brian’s grip, but this man seemed remarkably stronger than Jared and ten times more intimidating.

The prognosis was good…nothing broken, not even the wall, just red knuckles and the promise of more bruising along with those from earlier. Brian frowned darkly. Todd must have hit a stud not to have damaged the drywall; the kid was lucky he didn’t break his knuckles or wrist. Brian guessed that was the least of Todd’s concerns, from the insolent glare Todd was giving him. Young, hairless jaw set in defiance, almost daring Brian to make the next move. Brain was well acquainted with dealing with this kind of behavior. Brian shook his head sadly. Todd would momentarily learn who held the title in the ring of wills.

Todd was suddenly upside down under a strong arm that was wrapped around his waist, Brian yanked down his shorts and briefs together and laid on a wicked lick of the thick belt. Just one burning example, it left a bright, hot, red band across Todd’s slightly pinked backside.

“AH!”A sharp coughing gasp let Brian know the boy felt it.

When Brian pulled the shorts back up, and set Todd upright, Todd immediately lowered his eyes to hide his anger, not risking pushing Brian further. Anger simmered at a dangerous temperature, and this was close to more trouble than he wanted to take on. Todd kept his eyes on the floor.

Satisfied Todd was finished with any more displays of defiance, Brian spun him back to face the wall. He could almost feel the anger that was boiling inside the youth. Brian spoke gently over Todd’s shoulder, making chills climb the boy’s back, as he could feel the heat from Brian’s body just behind him.
“Do not move, don’t even twitch. I’ll be right back.”

Braving the chance, Todd turned his head to watch Brian’s broad back go out the door.

“Eyes front, boy!”

Jerking his head back to face the masculine wallpaper, Todd leaned forward to rest his forehead against it miserably. He could feel the air crackle, and without seeing him, he knew when Brian returned to stand behind him again. Brian moved to his side so he could be seen without Todd leaving the corner. An ice pack was placed on his hand. The odd thought that the pack was placed too high entered Todd’s mind, as his backside complained at its ill treatment.

“(Sigh) Todd, you could have broke your damn hand. I won’t let you pull that kind of crap, kid. “

Brian could visualize those eyes rolling.

“I will guarantee you memorable belt lick’n each and every time you do. You’re making this more difficult than it needs to be. Do you really want to trade a little corner time for corner time and a whuppin’?”

Unable or unwilling to do anything but retreat, Todd answered in a choked voice.

“No, sir.”

Satisfied with that, Brian ruffled Todd’s hair and left him to fume in the corner alone. Brian sat at his desk and made a call. He caught sight of the hand that slid behind to rub out the sting. Brian ignored it…this time.

“It’s Brian, I’m going to be a little late, something … important … has come up here. Yeah, about an hour…”

Taking another look at the kid’s stubborn, straight spine.

“… or two. Thanks, bye.”

Time ticked by slowly for Todd. He had no idea how long he had been facing the corner, or how much longer he would have to stay there. Resentment was a mild word for how he felt towards Brian for making him do this. He felt like an idiot just standing there, but better a live idiot than a dead punk. His temper had burned so hot, it had burned out completely, leaving him very tired and worried about what was next . . . to the point of a roaring headache. Normally pain like that always made him really angry - violently so. Like beatings, he was seldom repentant over them, he’d just sort of check out…withdraw inward, or sometimes lash out and earn more brutal beatings that would fester more anger. A vicious cycle would start, and hate would grow. This spanking thing was different … there was pain, no two ways about it, but unlike a beating, spankings evaporated his anger leaving him usually in tears and close to promising the universe to avoid more . . . and worse be apologetic. Spankings reached somewhere deep inside; they threatened him…who he was, or more truthfully, who he portrayed. There were no gray outs, no disassociation allowed, to avoid dealing with them. Like Mouse said, they worked . . . and Mouse was proving to be too right as Todd’s bottom throbbed as if to agree.

Todd really didn’t want any more trouble here…he’d had his quota already. He never wanted any to begin with. Brian smacking him twice in an hour was enough for one day. All he wanted now was to get the Hell out of this corner and this house. This was not how today was supposed to be.

His face hurt, his hand hurt, his butt hurt and now his head hurt some too. Todd was confused about the spanking Brian had given him - not because he got hit, but that he had not been beaten to a bloody pulp. Brian spanked him really, very hard . . . but only a few swats . . . and he said it was just for cussing, not anything else. He didn’t even say one word about his kid.

Jared had been right. Brian could really swing a belt, and that had been just one slap for his show of temper, and hurting himself. That messed with his mind the most - that these folks got so touchy about stuff like that. If they only knew…and in the next instant he was oh, so, grateful they did not have a clue to his habits!

He shifted from foot to foot, trying to find a more comfortable stance as his legs were beginning to complain about standing in place for so long. Todd began to feel calmer - looking at nothing but wallpaper for hours has that effect.
It had not been but 30 minutes, but it felt like hours to Todd. Brian kept a close eye on the clock, and a closer eye on Todd. The young man was not so stiff now . . . his arms were wrapped around himself like he just didn’t know what to do with them. Brian had watched Todd progress from fury to self-conscience boredom, believing the boy to be calm enough now for some conversation.

“Turn around, Todd.”

Jumping at the unexpected voice, Todd turned to face Brian, who was leaning his hips on the desk with his arms across his chest. Did these men take classes in intimidating posture, and where could he sign up? Todd found eye contact almost impossible. It was so tempting to fly out the door just to the right of him.

“C’mere.”

Brian’s mild expression and calm voice gave away no hint to his intentions . . . just a firm, direct order. His eyes told Todd that Brian knew exactly what he had just been thinking … escape. This was it, he was really gonna get it now that the man had time to stew over it. Afraid to move, afraid to disobey, the impulse to plead took over.

“Dude, Brian, I swear…you gotta believe…”

The majority of Todd’s impulses were involuntary, seemingly including his own mouth. Disgusted with himself and how whiney he sounded, Todd immediately switched gears and went the other way.

“No, I guess you don’t gotta do shit, do ya? … You’re bigger’en me, so that make it all good, don’t it? So, go ahead … be like everyone else and blame me for shit.”

Brian stood impassive. He could tell Todd was scared…not just worried he was in trouble, but really frightened. And that triggered Todd’s temper and lack of good judgment. Not taking the bait, Brian spoke more firmly and pointed to the spot in front of him.

“C’mon, hit me…beat me s’more, fuc…ass…jerk. I can take it … I’ve taken worse!”

Todd was not at all sure that he could take it. But temper was in control of his mouth again, and he had little choice but to follow. Fear of Brian’s own temper had him stuttering like a fool, and that did not improve Todd’s mood any.

“Quiet! Todd, come here now, please.”

The boy did not budge, did not look up…did nothing but stand frozen in place…like some brooding statue of teen angst. Brian stayed where he was.

“Son, we can do this all day. I’m a patient man…at times. I’ll be right here when you’re ready, son . . . but the only way out that door is through me. That means walking yourself over here.”

The irony was not lost on Todd…the only way out the door was through a wall…a human wall. Giving up, Todd hung his head and slowly followed the carpets design until Brian’s booted feet came into view. His ears roared as the blood rushed through is veins, he could feel himself start to head for the dark corners of his mind … finally at last.

“Look at me.”

He couldn’t…he was afraid - afraid of what was coming, terrified that Brian would see how scared he was…he had learned years ago that showing fear could make it worst for him…it gave the other power over him, and with absolute power came absolute pain. This was going to be bad. Brian was ten times the size of Stan, and Stan could really do some damage.

Todd could feel tears burning behind his eyes, and his throat felt like it was being crushed by something. He couldn’t help it, he couldn’t hide it, couldn’t breath…he was frightened. Brian saw the tears that threatened to fall, but it was fact Todd’s face was blanched of color that concerned him most.

“Todd, look at me…Look at me, son.”

Son…there was no insult in the word, it was spoken so soft and tender, Todd squeezed his eyes closed against the ache in his chest. His mind screamed he was no one’s son. He let his mind drift to a place warm and safe, where he kept memories of the sweet voice that called him that last…preparing to block out the pain that was sure to come.

Brian noted the unresponsive posture and kept his voice soft, but persistent.

“Todd…eyes up here, son.”

Todd stayed eyes fixed to the floor, fists and jaw clenching in rhythm. Ignoring the few tears that gained freedom to roll slowly down Todd’s pale cheeks, Brian lifted the chin Todd kept tucked. The corner of the mouth trembled just a hair. The boy tried to hide his face by turning it away from him, but Brian would not allow any evading. His green eyes only reflected warm concentration as they met Todd’s hesitant nervous gaze.

“ Are you done?”

Brian took Todd’s silence as a ‘yes’.

“I did not beat you, and I won’t…I think you know that. No one was, or is, blaming you for anything. Not until you let your mouth run away with you. That is what got you into trouble. Nothing but your temper and constant use of that word.”
Brian raised his arms, ignored the hard flinch from Todd, and rested them on the boys’ shoulders with his hands laced behind the dark head. Probing deep into Todd’s dark eyes, Brian spoke with firm reason.

“Son, I want you to listen carefully to what I’m saying. No one was thinking you did something…no one thought anything like that. Just you. You assumed and passed judgment on me. You immediately assumed that we’d find you guilty, didn’t you?”

Todd was too choked up to speak. He wanted to argue with Brian, but he couldn’t. He opened his mouth to speak, but Brian cut him off.

“Shh! Never mind. I’m not done yet. I want you to just listen. Jan and I are Jamie’s parents…we know very well what his cries sound like. Are you following me, son … making sense? Jamie would have told us just by sound and, believe me, pitch, if you had hurt him…if I thought for one second that I could not trust you…I would not leave you alone, in a room, in my home, with a door open so he could just walk in on you. Todd, from what you’ve shown me already today, you like the big dogs in the pack - not the puppies.”

Brian gave Todd a droll smile. In one instant, Todd began to relax some as it sank in that he was not in any trouble. Then, in the next, he realized what a show he had just put on. Brian must think he was some mental case. Hot tears of humiliation flooded his eyes, his emotions were running high today and he could do nothing to stop them. Brian shook his head and pulled him into a hug, completely ignoring Todd’s attempts to shove him away. Brian’s deep voice rumbled under Todd’s ear, as the larger man quietly spoke with a firm affectionate tone.

“Shhh, be still. You gave yourself a good scare, didn’t you?”

That was such an understatement, Todd nearly laughed - and would have if he were not so close to breaking apart. Brian said he was aware of the fact that Todd did not like to be touched, and that it was too bad, ‘cause with being part of a family, he could count on being touched often, in many ways. One large paw of a hand patted his butt tenderly, as the other rubbed his back, then the arms moved back to hold Todd tighter. It was too much for Todd . . . he was unable to stop the emotions that bubbled to the surface. Brian felt the shudders as the boy lost composure, then would gain back control only to lose it again seconds later. He crushed Todd to him, and was rewarded by the hands that grabbed a fist full of the back of his denim shirt as Todd waged war against himself.

Concerned by the lack of sound, or even breathing, he pulled the boy back from him. Todd’s face was very pale, his lips were almost the same color of the bruises that marred a corner of his mouth. Brian scowled darkly at the boy, who apparently would starve himself of oxygen to regulate his emotions and keep his tears silent.

“OW!”

Todd choked out an angry startled sob - and a great gasp of air - as Brian’s hand gave him a tremendous slap to his backside. Before he could challenge the brick wall of a man, he was once again folded in the large arms.

“That’s better, you need to breath, Todd…c’mon kid, I want a couple deep breaths.”

Brian got them in the form of a couple hiccuping sobs…with minimal volume, but Todd was at least now taking in air. When Todd as able to regain most of his composure, Brain let him pull away. Grabbing a tissue off the desk, Brian gently wiped at eyes that avoided his.

“No shame in a few tears, son. Just like affection, Todd…there is no shame in needing or wanting it. That’s what’s so scary hmmmm, kiddo? … Admitting you do? Afraid you’ll fall apart if someone touches you? Would that be so bad?”

This tore up Todd, that he was so easily read. That was a major fear of his - that if he gave up, gave into it, he’d break into a million pieces and stay that way…stay on the dark side. He had to fight hard to keep from losing his own control over his tears.

“Yeah, I know that feeling, Todd. But it’s okay to fall apart…”

Todd shook his head ‘no’, adamantly. Brian nodded ‘yes’ just as passionately.

“Yeah, little man, it is. With family, or those that truly care about you …” Brian looked deep into the dark brown eyes. “. . . and love you…it’s very okay.”

Feeling cornered by Brian’s emotional reasoning, Todd snapped.

“Yeah? Well, I ain’t got nobody like that, and I don’t want ‘em.”

Brian raised an eyebrow.

“You don’t? “

Todd could not meet the green eyes that seemed to look right through him.

“Well, that’s a shame, and too bad, because you are cared for and loved, little man. By all of us…we are your family now, like it or not, and I hope you will someday like it. Feeling what you feel when you feel it, Todd, is okay. We are all here for you.”

A huge lump clogged Todd’s throat. Who were these people to force themselves on him? He wanted to get mad, angry, but he couldn’t…not when facing people he only dreamed about. People who wanted him…too scary to wrap his mind around . . . far too much to accept…far too much to lose.

“It’s all right, Todd…it’s not easy is it, son? Trust can be a tricky thing, but you’re mixing up the past with the present. None of us are just telling you to trust us, Todd…I think we have been showing you that you can.”

Brian pulled Todd back into a quick hug, and then peered down into his liquid eyes, brushing away the bangs that fell across the boys face and the tears that still slipped down occasionally. Brian lifted Todd’s chin, and spoke meaningfully.

“Now, as for the future, I don’t use profanity, Todd, and I don’t like, use, and won’t put up with the word ‘fuck’…at all…ever, not from anyone - not Jared, not my friends, employees and most definitely not from you at your age, young man. You and I have had this conversation once before, hmmm? Next time, you’ll find yourself in the corner with another mouthful of soap and a bare, very sore butt. Are we clear?”

Rubbing the tears from his eyes, Todd mumbled a sullen response, “Yeah … uh … yes, sir.”

Brian muscled the fist Todd tried to withhold, to check it one last time up for inspection. Todd reluctantly gave up resisting. It was useless to, but he had to keep up appearances for his own sake, he consoled himself.

“While we are on the subject of what else I won’t put up with...you’re not going to be allowed to shut out your family, little man - no hiding behind vulgar language, tantrums, or fighting. If you’re scared, you talk to us, if you’re angry, you talk to us, and fighting…”

Fleetingly, Todd wondered if Brian and Jared had secret cue cards for their lectures - they sounded so alike…rules, rules and talk, talk, talk.

“Next time, you let us take care of guys like…whatever his name was. Not you. There was no need to attack him, Todd. You’re not much better than he is by acting like him.”

A peculiar sensation crawled up Todd’s spine at the lecture. Todd winced, and made eye contact with the floor only. His stomach felt tight; gooseflesh popped all over his arms. Standing still became impossible, as he fidgeted before the dark scowl.

Brian took a deep breath at seeing Todd’s grimace. Reining in his lecture, Brian smiled warmly at the somber boy.

“Todd, only your actions were misplaced, not the reason . . . and here I heard you and Mouse didn’t like each other.”

Todd shook his head and looked sheepishly at Brian.

“Nah…Mouse is alright.”

Brian had to chuckle at the admission.

“I guess there is a good kid under all this street rat stuff, eh?”

Slender shoulders shrugged under Brian’s hands.

“I wouldn’t count on it,” Todd groused. Brian gave a bark of laughter, and pulled him back into a hug . . . along with a sharp swat to his backside.

“Well, I would and do.”

Wisely, Todd didn’t argue.

Brian said he had to go to work for a few hours, but he would be back by dinner. Jan was not that pleased with Brian working on a Saturday, but was happy to have Todd for company. Todd was led to a guest room with a shower to get cleaned up. He was quite nervous to be left alone with only Brian’s wife and kid, especially after his performance earlier. She probably knew every thing that had happened.

Todd took a long, hot shower, and paced in the bedroom for a while, before he worked up the courage to walk into the living room where Jan was struggling with a fussy baby. He sat down on the sofa, and concentrated on becoming part of the furniture. As luck would have it, Jan and Jamie had other plans. There were no looks of accusation or attitude. She smiled tiredly and tried to coax Jamie into a nap blanket on the floor, but he fussed and hollered.

The little boy saw Todd, stopped his fussing and became calm. He took a long look at Todd - looking deep, like his little gray-green eyes saw something inside of Todd that fascinated him. Jamie approached Todd with a very serious expression on his tiny face. Todd grew steadily uneasy with each step the kid made. Jan watched silently as Jamie held his teddy bear up to Todd. Taking the bear from the kid, Todd looked over at Jan who had such a tender, proud expression on her face it was painful to take in. Looking back down at the kid, Jamie appeared to be having second thoughts about the bear. Todd handed the toy back to Jamie.

“You want me to have it? Thanks…um, you hold it for me, dude…okay?”

Jamie turned on those bright eyes on high beam, and smiled at Todd, who found himself unable to resist grinning back…briefly.

Giving up on a nap for Jamie, Jan pulled out of the closet a toy dirt bike tricycle. Setting the giggling boy on it, Jan tried to show him how to work it. Todd couldn’t help but utter a groan as she pointed out the pretend features…all wrong – while looking up at the teen with a taunting grin.

“Okay Mr. Metal Militia. You’re the expert - you show him then.”

Todd watched, stunned, as Jan stood up and left, leaving him alone with the baby.

“Hey…no…uh…wait!”

She was out before he could finish his sentence. Jamie’s lip began to quiver when she left, and he started to percolate another fit. Not wanting a repeat performance of that noise, Todd hesitantly approached Jamie. He delicately placed he chubby little hands and feet in the proper positions on the bike.

Jan finished lunch preparations, and listened close for any screaming from either kid. It had been near half an hour now and all Jan could hear was the muted tones of Todd’s voice and the giggles of her son. Jan peaked around the corner to find Todd knelt down to Jamie’s level, deep in a lesson on dirt bike etiquette.

“Put your hand here, that’s your brakes…this is your throttle…it makes it go.”

Jamie did his best impression of a motor, while Todd pushed him around. Jan’s heart flipped over as Todd laughed at Jamie’s vibrating lips. It was more of an involuntary chuckle, but it was sweet to hear. Todd had a crooked smile on his face as he shook his dark head at Jamie in disgusted humor. The boy had dimples. Jan wondered if Jared even knew.

“Nah…nah, dude…that’s a wussy bike. You want…” Todd continued to push Jamie, while perfectly imitating the whine of a performance-tuned dirt bike - to Jamie’s astonished delight. For the better part of an hour, Todd educated the toddler on the finer points of riding. Looking up, Todd caught Jan watching him as he taught Jamie some freestyle tricks.

“Never hurts to start early,” he added lamely as a red-hot blush stained his face.

Smiling at Todd’s shyness, Jan entered the room with a glass of iced tea and a bottle for Jamie. Todd took the glass and drained it. An uncomfortable silence began to stretch out. After an intense study of Todd, Jan broke the silence with an abrupt offer to cut his hair. It had grown quite long. It hadn’t been cut since Arizona, and looked pretty bushy. Surprising both himself and Jan, Todd accepted the offer. Once in the chair, with a sheet tucked around his neck and draping the floor, Todd began to feel uncomfortable and a bit silly. Jamie, sitting on his bike, watching him with an intense look of ‘are you nuts?’ did not help.

Jan wetted Todd’s hair down, combed it flat and began to cut. She asked his preference of another style or just a good trim. He elected the trim. Very aware that Todd was nervous as he watched chunks of hair fall past his eyes on to the sheet, Jan tried to engage in some small talk. Failing that miserably, she just concentrated on his hair.

Todd concentrated too … on the sound of her breathing, the snipping of her scissors as Jan cut his hair. Her touch was gentle and movements clearly telegraphed. Even with his eyes closed, as his bangs were trimmed, Todd felt strangely at ease. Todd was very relieved and pleased when Jan handed him a mirror to critique her work. It was mostly accounted for, and looked good . . . minus the blackened eye that was now very pronounced. He was so dead when Jared got there. Todd grimaced at the thought of how pissed off Jared was going to be, and the trouble that he was most likely in.

Mistaking Todd’s frown for disappointment, Jan asked if he needed it fixed. Todd said he liked it, and thanked her, then was sent out to the living room while she cleaned up.

Todd sat down , clicked on the TV, and got comfortable . . . and tried to concentrate on something besides his problems. Not more than a few seconds later Jamie walked over to him, bottle in hand, and climbed up next to him.

“He’s never done that before. Normally, Jamie is so shy.”

Jamie began to snuggle against Todd, like he was going to take a nap right there. Todd began to move off the couch. The kid could have it to himself…it was his home after all.

“Oh, please don’t!” Jan pleaded. “Don’t move. “

“Huh?”

Jan explained that Jamie was having some trouble with his tummy. It made him a monster to deal with, and he had been up all night fussing. Looking at Jan’s tired smile, Todd guessed Jamie was not the only one up all night.

“Please stay there…just until he goes to sleep.”

Not really comfortable with that idea, Todd wanted to tell her ‘no’ . . . but he couldn’t resist the pleading blue eyes.

“Um…okay.”

Jan gave him a sweet smile of thanks, and excused herself to go make a fresh bottle for Jamie. Todd nodded, and slouched back in the couch cushions to make himself more comfortable while waiting for the kid to doze off. The phone rang, and Jan poked her head around to sign to him it would be a moment longer.
The rhythmic breathing and warmth of the little body next to him began to lull Todd. His own eyelids grew heavy. Deciding that he would only close them until Jan returned, Todd drifted off right along with Jamie.

Jan, still on the phone, peeked in on Todd. Both Todd and her son were nestled on the couch. Poor young man had had a rough day . . . he was fast asleep.

“Brian, you’re not going to believe this…”

Chapter 23 (coming soon)

Y2K12 Index

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