Y2K12 - 23

Y2K12 - Chapter 23

Waking up on the couch, Todd looked around feeling groggy and a little lost in his surroundings. Recollection returned quickly - he had fallen asleep with the kid. He was alone in the living room now, and under a soft quilt. He was surprised and annoyed that he had fallen asleep in strange surroundings. And he had slept hard judging by how disoriented and … rested he felt. Jan walked in just as he was sitting up.

“Ah! Good timing. I was just coming to wake you for a snack.”

Ignoring his blush, Jan had Todd follow her into the kitchen. Jamie was in his highchair and squealed a happy greeting to Todd.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to ass out like that,” Todd said sheepishly. Jan waved off his apology, grateful that Todd had napped because Jamie had stayed curled up and slept for a good hour at least.

Jan had made them a small snack of banana cream pie last night, having heard it was Todd’s favorite.

“Apple is … um … my favorite, I mean … Jared got it wrong.” At Jan’s disappointed expression he added quickly, “but I like banana, too. It’s a lot harder to get them out on the … well … um … harder to get … with, um … no, uh … banana trees.”

Todd tripped over his words. For some odd reason he felt uncomfortable and strangely ashamed about having been living on the street. As if Jan might think less of him … but he knew she had to know all about that from Brian. He was confused over his reluctance, and surprised that he cared what she thought of him. He had never really cared much for what people thought of him … he rarely thought of them … with a few exceptions. Todd could feel Jan’s eyes on him as she listened, and he could feel himself want to squirm under the scrutiny of her gaze.

As much as Jan wished to ask the boy questions, she sensed his unease and saved them for another day. She just watched him eat, head down and trying to blend in with the furniture. He was as adorable as he was a mystery. Jan could see why Jared was so taken with this boy. He had managed to suck her in too - just by virtue of who he was.

When Todd caught her glance, he couldn’t help but shift in his seat nervously. His ears burned and he knew they must be glowing red by now.

“ It’s, um … kinda cool to have pie for lunch though. Jared is a real assho- … um … funny about stuff like that.”

Jan smiled at Todd’s obvious discomfort. Jared was right. The boy was not arrogant, but shy, under that cocky street punk. She could only imagine what her nutrition freak of a brother-in-law would say about her choice of luncheon fair. Laughing, Jan said it was not such a crime to have pie for lunch, and it was easy to get Jamie to eat it with his tummy feeling upset right now.

Todd didn’t mind the light lunch of a favorite treat. He and Jamie had napped a couple hours past lunch, and dinner was not far off. Todd found Jan very likable. She was kind, funny and had a strong personality. It was scary how he felt connected. Jan talked and teased him as if she had known him his whole life, and usually he did not take teasing well at all. He tended to get indignant when he felt he was being made fun of. But with Jan it was different - none of it was cruel, and she had a wicked wit that Todd could appreciate. There was a calming gentleness about her, and in his mind she had all of the fairytale characteristics of a mother: she was firm with Jamie when she told him to eat, but not overbearing or mean … just motherly. Jan treated Todd much as she did Jamie, in demeanor. She was cool and nice when she made conversation or asked him to help her set the table for lunch, but surprisingly stern when he tried to fall back into his moody, tough guy mode. She tapped him teasingly on the back of the head and told him she was trying to hit his reset button to snap him out of his pissy mood. He could not help but laugh as he caught himself feeling for the mysterious button under his thick hair.

Jan was as sweet as the pie they were eating when she inquired as to how the burn on his stomach was healing, but was not so sweet when he shrugged it off. Jan became the Terminator. Quick as a cat, she lifted his shirt to find out for herself, then sent him an unimpressed glare and slapped his hands away when he got indignant about it and tried to yank his shirt back down.

“Hey! Backoffame!”

“Oh, shut up. It’s a stomach … I’ve seen one or two before.”

Once Jan was satisfied his wound was, in fact, mostly healed, she let loose of Todd with a look that dared him to make an issue of it. Normally he would have been really pissed off, but for some reason Jan’s personality did not allow it and his temper was unwilling to make its usual appearance. Secretly, he enjoyed the motherly attention.

Todd and Jan were in a light discussion on how Jan came to know what or who the Metal Militia was. Not many girls - let alone women her age - knew much about motocross. Suddenly a huge glob of yellow custard splattered Jan’s right cheek. Jamie, grouchy, irritated and feeling ignored, flung some pie filling at his mom - gaining instant attention.

Todd froze. His lungs felt as if they had collapsed, his head got all hot, his ears buzzed and he could feel himself begin to do that gray out thing he always did when he got into intense situations. The look on Jan’s face spelled real trouble for Jamie. Motherly qualities or not, Todd was sure Jamie was about to really get clobbered. Todd would have been black and blue for days if he had done that! He closed his eyes against visions of little Jamie, his body all bruised and face swollen. Todd’s reaction was fast and inspired by a instant need to protect the kid: he flicked his own small spoonful of pie at Jan, much to Jamie’s delight. Her surprised blue eyes collided with his mutinous brown.

Jan took in the look on Todd’s face. He was very pale all of a sudden, and a coldness erased all the animated warmth his face had shown only seconds ago. Confused by his almost hostile glare, Jan nearly said something - then it dawned on her that Todd was afraid she’d harm Jamie. Todd really expected her to beat her child over the pie, and the teen meant to turn her anger on himself. A mother’s heart broke. Aware that any pity on her part would not be welcomed, she used his own tactic to ease his fears.

“Oh, you think that was funny?”

Before Todd could answer, he was nailed between the eyes with a spoonful of banana cream. Jan did not look mad - in fact her expression clearly read challenge.

“How do you like that?”

Never one to pass on a challenge, Todd catapulted a large spoonful. Direct hit! Startled eyes crossed to stare at the chunk of banana stuck to the tip of one very pert nose. Todd should have read a warning in the perfectly shaped brow that winged over a crystal blue eye . . .

*****

Brian and Jared pulled into the drive one after the other. Neither had a chance to greet one another, because a feminine squeal ripped the air from around back of the house. Both men headed at full speed for the backyard. Skidding to a stop, they came upon the most unreal vision they could have imagined. A shrieking, giggling Jan held up Jamie like a shield, begging Todd not to come any closer. Todd was stalking her with what looked like a pie pan . . . and he had the most mischievous grin on his face - it was almost a full-on smile. Jared’s heart leapt in his chest painfully.

A shriek of panic snapped Jared out of his stupor. Todd had somehow managed to tackle Jan without knocking down Jamie, or even scaring him. The little boy was so amused, he giggled as he danced in place with delight at the silly adults. Jan was pinned to the ground by Todd’s knees. She was laughing so hard, she could not defend herself as the pie came within inches of her pretty face. Todd was just taunting her, as he dipped the container almost to the point of dropping it, then pulled it back to fend off her hands.

Brian nudged Jared. They crept up closer unseen by the trio.

Todd nearly jumped out of his skin when two booming voices called from behind him:

“DOG PILE!”

Todd had no time - Jan took full advantage. She shoved at him, and rolled from underneath the stunned boy just as two huge bodies flung themselves atop of him. There was no time for panic or fighting. Todd immediately found himself pinned under the brothers. Being careful not to completely squash the boy, Jared and Brian began some brotherly roughhousing before Todd had a chance to feel his panic. Brian’s hands began to jab Todd’s ribs lightly, sending the boy into a near hysteria as he was mercilessly tickled. Jared joined in and held down the thrashing boy. Soon Todd was gasping that type of panicked laughter one has when tickled beyond endurance. Jared saw the red face . . . but could not stop just yet. He had never heard Todd laugh and giggle like this. It was wonderful. But all too soon, the quality changed to pure gasping fear.

“Stah … stooooop … I’m goona … I can’t breath, I can’t breath!” Todd felt as if his bladder would let loose any second, as well as his stomach. He was gasping so hard he couldn’t get any air. As he began to struggle more franticly, he felt the crushing weight of terror squeeze the air from his lungs. He was about to lose it completely. Suddenly, Todd was yanked upright to his feet. After getting his wind back, he stood glaring at the smug giants.

“Assholes,” Todd mumbled under his breath.

Twin brows arched over matching green eyes. Brian suddenly lifted Todd over his shoulders while Jared alternated between tickling and playing the bongos on his upturned bottom … not punishing, just enough to smart in warning.

“What was that? Say you’re sorry. Say it, Todd.”

Todd was able to hold out for a total of a minute, maybe. The spanks were not bad and stung only a little … playful … but the tickling was what broke him. He was breathless within seconds, as he squirmed in a panic over Brian’s broad shoulders. About to mess himself, he gave in. Apologies in any situation did not come easy, but he gasped the words out with little difficulty.

“All right, all right, you win. (gasp giggle)I’m sorry, I’m sorry … let me down!”

It took all of his willpower not to use his extensive vocabulary on them. Todd almost fell to the ground, too weak to hold himself up. Brian hoisted him back to his feet. Todd spun around, right into Jared, who for the first time got a good look at the boy’s face - now sporting a fully blossomed black eye and more pronounced bruising. Jared’s expression changed from a happy, handsome man to a darkly scowling Tank.

“What in the fu-”

“JARED!”

Jared was stopped just short of blowing his top.

“Not here. You two in my study - now. MOVE.”

Snapping a glare at his older brother, Jared stood there a moment. Then, without a word, Jared stormed into the house and down the hall to Brian’s study. Todd followed at a much slower pace. A firm hand clasped him behind the neck. Brian smiled in warm encouragement. Walking past Jan, she gave Todd a weak smile. She announced that she would be starting dinner right away and for Brian not to keep them long.

In the study, Brian took in the boys. His younger brother gave him a look that could only be termed as jealous hostility, as Jared noted the affectionate grip Brian had on the boy. Jared opened his mouth to begin tearing into Todd.

“Jared, not one word … or Todd, here, will witness something you’d rather keep private, I expect.”
Dueling green eyes glared at each other for a few moments. Jared looked away first, giving in to his older brother. The Tank was no less intimidating to Todd - it just made Brian seem even more menacing as he watched the brothers.

Having the two together like this afforded him a real view of the differences between them. While Jared was an impressive man - and still every inch the Tank he’d always been - Brian was the epitome of intimidation and power, all wrapped up in a calm, broad-shouldered, intense package. Chills slid down the boy’s spine as he watched, very much feeling like the only bone between two pit bulls.

“Todd, you sit down. Jared, you just shut up, listen and settle down. Todd got into a … brief tumble at the park on behalf of Mouse. We had a loose cannon in the mix - actually two I think - and they collided, you could say. The other guy cheap shot-ed Mouse, and this one returned the favor … repeatedly. Now Todd and I have already … discussed … how his actions were well intentioned, but inappropriate, and they will not be repeated.”

The last statement was firmly directed at Todd, making him flush and squirm in his chair. Todd was familiar with the gray-outs … expected them, even as he felt himself drift inward away from the tense environment. He hated it to the point of being sick when people argued … unless he was doing the arguing, of course. He listened to Brian tell Jared the details of the basket ball game, and how Todd came to be injured, as if from a long distance. The boy felt disconnected to the present and stuck somewhere in-between moments, as the world around him faded, leaving him in a bubble filled with self-awareness.

Jared visibly relaxed, and gave Todd an apologetic look as he recognized the blank distant glaze to Todd’s eyes. He still had much to learn about dealing with the boy.

“Jared, go wash up for dinner. There is something we need to talk about when you’re done.”

Jared nodded sheepishly at Brian’s firm order. Feeling like an idiot, he took the chance to go collect himself. He gave Todd’s shoulder an apologetic squeeze and pat as he walked past.

“You’re gonna tell him I freaked out, ain’t ya?” Todd looked accusingly at Brian. The idea of Jared knowing that he had behaved out-of-control really bothered Todd.

Brian looked at Todd, who was sitting miserable and small in his leather chair.

“Yes, Todd, I am going to tell my brother you got upset today. You are in his care, and he cares very much for you."

Todd made a rude noise, but Brian ignored it as the decoy it was.

“He has a right to know and he needs to know. “

“No, he don’t.”

Brian did not miss the anger that welled up in the boy’s eyes, or the fear behind the belligerence. Todd’s tough exterior and mouth were all smoke and mirrors - just an act to cover the truth that he feared Jared’s reaction. To Brian, this only enforced the boy’s neediness despite Todd’s vows of independence.

Brian ruffled the soft hair, speaking patiently.

“Did you do something different with your hair? Look, it’ll be fine son, I promise you. Jared is not going to be upset with you. Worried and concerned, perhaps, but not angry. You have a lot to learn out my little brother if you think he will overreact. Go on out to the living room.”

Todd was gently ushered out of the study. When Todd looked back over his shoulder, Brian gave him wink. Oddly it helped … for about five seconds.

* * * * *

Jared and Brian were in the study a long time, or so it felt to Todd. He hated knowing that he was the topic of conversation and not privy to it. All he could do was obsess over what might be said, or the picture that Brian was painting of his 'melt down' as Todd called them. He could not shake it off or figure out why he should even give a shit.

Jan had commandeered his help in setting the table and keeping Jamie occupied - as well as himself - so she could make last minute preparations. But the distraction was only minimally successful in altering his dark mood. Todd was sulking on the couch when Brian came out alone.

“Todd, Jared wants to talk to you.”

“Good for him. He can go fuc . . . um . . . can forget it,” Todd snapped hotly, having worked himself up into a temper. The look Brian was giving him spelled serious trouble. Jan seemed to have switched camps as she frowned at him too. Unable to withstand the unified front, Todd snarled, “Fine!”

Todd walked into the study with all the enthusiasm of a man facing a firing squad . Just as he entered, the door closed behind him and he was wrapped up from behind into Jared’s arms. He struggled hard as he could, but like every other time, it was a waste of energy. He was held helpless.

“Lemme go, asshole!”

“Nope. This is about the only way I can make sure you’ll listen … right?”

Todd let out a cynical bark of cold laughter.

“Yeah, right … like you was gonna listen to me before?”

“Ouch. Okay, I had that one coming. “

“Got that right asshooo -”

Jared turned Todd to face him, and tilted up the boy's chin to examine the bruises on his face. The corner of his mouth was badly bruised, as was his left temple. Also, Todd's eye was completely black and blue.

Running a gentle thumb near the bandage on his purpled cheek, Jared’s lips thinned to a hard line.

“What did the other guy look like?”

Todd's only answer was a shrug, but Jared did not miss the twinkle in the boy’s eye. Jared took a second look at Todd's appearance. Besides the bruised and bandaged face something else was different. His hair … it was shorter. Jan’s touch was evident there, and it looked much better. The ends of Todd’s shadowy hair curled here and there all along the nape of his neck. Soft and dark, it framed the young face that returned Jared’s regard nervously.

“You still pissed at me?” Todd’s voice was soft; his eyes gave away his nervousness.

Jared shook his blonde head. His eyes were serious as he gave Todd another crushing hug.

“No, I’m not. And I wasn’t … well, maybe for a second. Todd, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m a jerk and it was out of line.”

“No shit.”

Jared spoke just a little on the matter of Todd’s panic earlier. Todd did not want to talk bout it. But Jared in his gentle - yet insistent – way, got Todd to confess that he really thought Brian was going to blame him for hurting Jamie or something.

“Dude, I thought I was dead. Jamie was screaming his fuck-, uh, head off, and me standing over him … fuck, dude, I thought he’d kill me.”

Smiling patiently, Jared monitored his voice to hide his frustration at Todd’s lack of trust.

“Well, you look like you're alive to me … so what happened?” He asked the boy.

Todd ducked his head and avoided Jared’s questioning gaze. His stomach felt tight at the thought that Jared might get upset with him for what happened with Brian.

“Nothin’. “

The look he got from Jared only intensified the feeling in his gut. Todd flopped down into one of Brian’s large chairs.

“I got beat. Happy now?”

“Really. Beat, huh?” One blonde wing arched over a dark green eye.

Todd squirmed in his chair under the intense glare that seemed to look right through him.

“Well, he must have gone real easy on you, or you would not be sitting in that chair so comfortably. Trust me, I know.”

Didn’t Todd know it? The few whacks he did get from Brian were enough of a warning to stay on the man’s good side. A nod of his head was the only answer Todd gave.

Todd admitted that he would have thought something was up if he had walked in like that. Jared explained a few things about himself and Brian. They do not think like that with out provocation. Todd just shrugged.

“Yeah? Well, he probably has doubts … he don’t know me.”

Jared looked sternly into Todd’s face, not allowing him to avoid eye contact.

“No, Todd … you look at me. You’re a little quick on the draw with the assumptions, kiddo. No matter how much trouble you might be in, or how angry Brian or myself may or may not be at the time, you can talk to us."

Unable to keep eye contact, Todd tried to move. This was becoming uncomfortable - too intimate. Jared did not allow any resistance or escape.

“No, uh uh … look at me, Ansley. You can always come to either one of us … any of us. Todd, we will listen to you. I promise. What I can’t or won’t promise is that you won’t get punished. That will depend on what’s going on at the time. but I promise you this: I love you, kiddo. Man, I really do. And I … we … will always listen first, okay?"

Unable to speak, Todd could only nod. He was suddenly choked up and close to breaking down on the spot. Todd was not liking how emotional he had become lately … there was the constant nagging urge to let go and just bawl. Todd hated it … feared it … wanted it.

Not letting Todd off the hook just yet, Jared demanded eye contact and a few answers from the boy - to reinforce some understandings.

“Todd, what’s the rule on promises?”

It took some swallowing to get his Adam’s apple down far enough to speak, but Todd was able to croak out the proper answer. His voice was just a thread of sound.

“Keep all promises.”

Tears swelled to the brink of falling and hung there. To Todd it seemed that all he could do lately was fight his out-of-control emotions, and he hated himself for his weakness.

“That’s right. Those rules are not just for you, Todd. I have to abide by that one too, and so does Brian. Who do you think branded them into my hide? Yep, Brian did, and our dad did the same to him … many times … many, many times, if I remember right. Shh, don’t tell him I told you that,” Jared said with a sly smile.

Then Jared reinforced Brian’s own words by saying that Todd would not have been trusted to visit Brian without supervision if they had felt him capable of such an act. Todd was uncomfortable with such declarations, but deep down they felt good … really good.

“Todd, you need to learn not to lash out. You need think first, kiddo. Your temper is writing checks your butt is not going to appreciate cashing in. I know it’s hard and reflexive - a habit. But it’s a bad habit. I know I harp on talk … but it’s a safer alternative and less painful, Todd, trust me."

Todd only nodded. Jared hugged him close and tight. Todd let the panic flow through him as Jared held him. He hated being touched . . . but he craved it also. That played with his mind in the worst way, and he couldn’t reconcile himself to it.

Jared could feel how tense the boy was . . . not that Jared blamed him for it at all. Right now, all he wanted was Todd to be like he found him this afternoon - before he acted like an idiot and ruined it.

“I’m really sorry I snapped, Todd. Even being an ass like I was, I would have listened to you, okay? I would not have just hauled off and beat you. Brian would never have allowed that, and I would never have done it. Forgive me?”

Getting no favorable reaction from Todd, Jared played his new card.

“Well, If you’re not gonna forgive me, I guess there is only one thing for me to do.”

Todd gave Jared a snotty glare.

“Yeah, like jump off a cliff?”

“Nope . . . this!”

Todd found himself flat on his back, pinned to the floor, getting the stuffing tickled out of him. He was close to the point of insanity. Jared’s hands poked and pressed along his ribs, waist and the back of his neck. No amount of pushing, kicking or squirming would dislodge Jared’s torturing bulk. Defeat and quick surrender came the moment Jared touched his hipbones above his low-rise waistband.

“NO! … don’t … I can’t stand it! … don’t … awww, shiiiit stop… please, Jared … nononono don’t!“

Jared had Todd pinned down, and would occasionally stop and just wiggle his fingers at the kid, sending him into fits of near panic as his body contorted ridiculously at the mere twitch of the menacing digits.
“I had no idea you were so ticklish. It’s sooo cute! Is Toddy ticklish here? … What about here? … oh, yep, Toddy is … awww.”

Unable to stop the near hysterical laughter that escaped him, Todd fought against the onslaught of Jared’s fingers that were tickling without mercy. By the time Jared stopped, Todd was begging and breathless, close to wetting his pants. The last time he had laughed this hard was the day he perfected the back flip on his dirt bike. People around him had thought he had lost his mind. He was close to doing so now, if Jared didn’t stop.

“Say you forgive me. C’mon, Toddy … say it, or else.” Wiggling fingers aiming for Todd’s midsection motivated rapid and complete surrender.

“NO! OKAY, OKAY! I forgive you. Now get the fu- … get offame … dude, you’re an assh- … that’s just wrong,” Todd muttered, as he was hoisted to his feet and into another of the beaming Jared's tight embraces. This time, his own arms snuck around Jared for a brief moment. Just to catch is balance . . . or so he told himself.

“My name is not Toddy,” Todd complained mildly, as Jared led them to the dining room.

Dinner was difficult at first for Todd. He wanted nothing more than to escape the table. He was seated between Jared and Brian, who sat at the head of the table. Brian gave his hand a gentle squeeze during the saying of grace. Brian leaned over and whispered so as only Todd could hear.

“Stop squirming and eat. You’re with family, son. RELAX.”

Todd was given little notice after that, other than being ordered by all three adults at one time or another to stop playing with his food and eat his veggies. Jared and Brian discussed work and argued good-naturedly. Todd was occasionally invited in to the conversation. He did not join in easily. Half way through dinner, he began to relax and enjoy Jan’s good cooking and the animated banter of the brothers. Brian and Jared would dig at each other - but it was all lightly received and given. It was something Todd had never been around. The crowd he usually hung with would eventually take something like this personally, and then there’d be a fight. Todd would have been history at that point - as in gone out the door.

Later, after dinner, he offered to help Jan with the dishes while she put Jamie to bed. Exhaustion finally won over Jamie’s little body and he fell asleep during the meal. Desert was a surprise for Todd - hot apple pie and homemade ice cream. There was lots of giggling and laughter, as Jan explained why there was no banana cream pie left over. Todd could not hold back on a couple chuckles, much to the delight of Jared. He had almost forgotten the kid had those amazing dimples in his cheeks.

Later, sitting in the family room, they all settled into a comfortable evening of relaxed company. Jan and Jared battled over a chess game; Brain challenged Todd to a game of pool.

“Careful, brother. He’s a hustler,” Jared warned lightly.

Like his younger sibling, Brian was no mark. He was very good and quite a hustler himself. Brian challenged Todd at every angle, at every game. Todd lost the first contest, and the second he only won by a narrow margin. This gave the boy a whole new respect for Brian.

Todd enjoyed the competition, as it was rare to meet people who played like these guys. Brian even gave him some tips on stance, and showed him a few tricks. Brian seemed impressed at how quickly Todd picked up on and perfected the new moves. Tough as the man was, he could be really cool. Todd felt welcome and wanted. Both were strange sensations, but he liked them.

Jared watched his young charge closely, pleased at how Todd seemed relaxed and almost happy at times. The boy even made noises very close to laughter at Brian’s antics over losing to the little hustler. Jan and Jared shared secretive smiles at the boy’s obvious amusement.

Into the sixth game, Brian turned to tell Todd it was his turn, but the kid was asleep … perched on his stool, still holding his cue upright, his head bobbed occasionally as it fought against gravity.

“Psssssst, Jared," Brian whispered. “Check out little man.”

Jared grinned lovingly over at Todd. It had been a long, full day for the boy. Excusing himself from his game with Jan, Jared walked over to Todd and gently removed the pool stick. Todd jerked awake.

“Huh? Is it my turn?” His voice was thick, and his words slurred as he rubbed at his eyes.

“No, little man. It’s time get you into bed,” Brian’s voice said from across the table, as he put up the cues.

Todd brushed off Jared’s assistance, and got to his feet as he stretched. A huge yawn escaped Todd as he complained sleepily, “Shi- … er … nah, I’m good. C’mon, dude, I was win … win . . . (yawwwwwn) . . . ing.”

“Todd, I don’t think that was a question.” The older of the brothers crossed his arms, as did Jared in unconscious unison. It was just too much trouble to mess with. Todd raised his arms and backed up.

“Okay, okay … do you two practice that or somethin’?”

Looking at each other, Brian and Jared grinned maliciously.

“Yep,” both answered as if on cue.

“Funny … not.”

As Jared and Todd said their goodnights, Brian pulled Todd into an unexpected hug. However brief it was, it still stunned the boy into a near statue stiffness. Brian told Todd he was to come over as often as he pleased, and to expect a rematch on the pool game. Jan also gave him a tight embrace. Her soft arms held on a long while, and he could do little more than stand stone still. He could not allow himself to respond . . . but it did feel good. Jan acted as if his reaction was normal, and handed him a foil wrapped bundle. A whole apple pie for tomorrow’s lunch, she said, winking at Jared as he gave her a mock scowl. Todd mumbled a quiet ‘thank you’ as his face blazed with a blush. It was too much … too dream like. Todd felt as if he had fallen down the rabbit hole and woke up on the Brady Bunch - Mom and Pop sending the boys off with full bellies, full hearts and a fresh baked pie.

Jared and Todd talked little in the Hummer. At first, Jared figured the boy was just tired from a long day. Todd’s mood darkened as they passed a rough area of town. Todd grew melancholy and very quiet. When asked about it, he said he was fine. Jared pulled the Hummer over to the curb sharply, startling his brooding passenger.

“Dude! What the fuck?”

Jared unbuckled his seat belt and turned to face Todd - who shrank a little in his seat under the intense glare.

“Two choices, Ansley. Either tell me what is going on, or use another word other than ‘fine’. I am sick of hearing you’re ‘fine’, because it’s obvious to me that you’re NOT fine. It would be FINE with me if I never hear ‘fine’ again!”

“But I prefer the first choice, actually,” Jared added as an afterthought.

Todd flushed red, and his eyes slid away. He was uncomfortable with Jared’s demanding gaze.

“It’s cool. Really. I’m fi- …tired, okay? I’m just tired, so step off. Okay?”

It was not okay, and Jared was sharply disappointed that Todd still refused to open up. Taking a deep breath, Jared readjusted himself back in his seat and buckled up. Todd was not ready, and he would just have to be patient … to a point. Reaching over, Jared mussed Todd’s hair roughly.

“Okay, Ansley. You can be just tired … for now.”

Todd really hated it when Jared used his last name like that. Jumbo jets flew around in his gut as he waited in his seat next to an irate Tank.

Jared pulled back in to the street. He had little luck getting the boy next to him to converse in more than one word sentences. Todd grew steadily more withdrawn and preoccupied the closer they got to home. Something was weighing heavy on the boy’s mind and spirit. It was killing Jared not to be able to drag it out of him, but only Todd could make himself open up. It drove the man nuts to sit on the sidelines while Todd tackled his demons alone and he had no idea what the score was.

Ready to chew nails by the time they got home, Jared pulled into the garage amidst the utter silence in the cab. Todd was positively mute by the time they walked into the penthouse. Todd went straight to his room, ending any inquisitions with a firm bang of his door. With a heavy sigh, Jared just checked his messages and headed to bed. He was tired to the bone. It had been a long day, but a pleasant evening. Jared sat on the edge of his bed and began to undress.

“Jared?”

Startled to hear Todd’s voice in the doorway, Jared whipped his head up. Todd stood in the open door dressed in just his customary flannel bottoms and bare chest and feet, his t-shirt clenched in nervous hands. Jared’s mind made a mental note to shove food down the boy’s gullet in the morning - he was still too lean and ribby.

“I, uh … um … thanks …ya know … for today and stuff.” Todd was decidedly uneasy, and fidgeted with the ties to his pants as he stood there - like he wanted nothing in the world more than to run in the opposite direction.

“Are we cool? For … um … at Brian’s? I’m, uh…”

The boy was really struggling, so Jared put him out of his misery. He smiled and shook his head.

“No need for apologies, Todd. Did you have a good time today - despite a few misunderstandings?”

Todd’s face flushed pale pink as a hand touched his tender bandaged cheek. He nodded yes.

“Good, that’s what matters most. Think maybe we can take the bikes out this weekend? You feel up to some riding?”

Todd’s expression did not reflect the joy that Jared had hoped for. A look that was almost panic crossed Todd’s face as he turned to leave.

“ Yeah, sure. Night.”

Jared scowled darkly as he slid his large frame under the covers. Tomorrow he’d get to the bottom of these moods … somehow.

*****

Opening his eyes to darkness, Jared knew instantly that Todd was on the prowl … again. Sitting up, he rubbed his face roughly with his hands. It was late, and he was tired and frustrated over Todd’s nocturnal habits. The sleepwalking Jared could dismiss as not the boy’s fault, but the getting up in the middle of the night because he was awake and bored - that he was getting damn tired of!

Jared got out of bed and slipped on his jeans and a flannel shirt, professing to kill the kid . . . or at the very least, put him in a coma.

Not surprisingly, Todd was not in his room . . . but surprisingly, Todd was also not in the game room or the kitchen or study. The alarm was set on the roof stairway, so that was out, and the elevator was on the top floor. Jared was becoming alarmed. A noise alerted him to the dark living room. Just barely able to make out the black shadows of the furniture in the room, Jared recognized a familiar silhouette on the floor against the couch. Jared turned on the closest lamp and found Todd with his legs curled up, head buried in his arms on raised knees as he rocked himself. Watching Todd sit wrapped like some frightened child stunned Jared. Something was terribly wrong here.

“Todd?”

“Shut up! Leave me alone … I hate you … I fucking hate you.” Todd’s voice cracked and broke on his emotions.

There was no anger - the muffled words had no heat, just crushing despair. Jared ignored the sting Todd’s words caused him, and focused on the kid rocking agitatedly on the floor.

“What is it, Todd? What’s wrong?”

It was a long minute before the dark head lifted. Todd blinked against the light, his face was drawn and pinched in misery. Jared had never seen Todd’s eyes so dark. The redness and tears gave them a haunted quality. A look that could only be described as remorseful anguish crossed the boy’s strained features as he gazed at Jared.

Todd’s Adam’s apple worked up and down to dislodge the grip his emotions had on his throat. Frustration crashed on top of what he was already fighting. Todd’s mouth opened and closed as words stuck in his throat.

“It’s …it’s (choke) aww, fuck!.”

All his effort and that was all Todd was able to croak out. There was such angst in those confusing words. Not understanding the words or the reason behind them, Jared moved closer and reached out to Todd, who was clearly suffering. That much he understood all too well - Todd was hurting.

Todd recoiled from Jared’s hand as if the mere touch would burn him.

“Nah … Don’t! … Shit …(choke)…please … just … don’t.”

Jared moved in closer, but did not touch him. Todd was literally choking on his feelings - little coughs and sputtered breaths escaped him. He was on the edge of some emotional precipice. Reaching out again, Jared stopped himself at Todd’s flinch.

“Todd, what’s wrong? I thought … over all, you had a good day.”

Todd’s face twisted as if he were in great pain. He dug his hands in his hair like he wanted to rip it out by the roots. He couldn’t breath … he felt hemmed in, pinned down. Unable to take the pressure of his emotions and Jared’s comfort, he was about to go over the edge. Not wanting to fall apart in front of Jared, Todd jumped to his feet and made to rush past the man. He never saw Jared move, but before Todd had made more than a few steps, he was in the clutches of the Tank.

“Why are you always running from me? Damn it, Ansley. Todd, I love you … why won’t you just talk to me? I care, dammit!”

That deep voice rumbled with more than a little annoyance. Jared’s huge hands held Todd in a vise-like grip. The boy struggled weakly. Jared’s declaration rang in his ears. He was feeling too much. Todd felt as if he could explode into a rage right now, but he knew what that would bring and he was just not brave enough to risk it. Cussing his head off was also not a viable choice either. The Tank had stolen his will to risk that much damage to his hindquarters. He was left impotent with his frustration. He had only one alternative, and his pent up emotions took it. A sob escaped, and his knees buckled, as he gave in to the rush of emotion.

Jared was all that kept Todd from falling to the floor in a heap, as the tidal wave of all he’d been carrying washed over him. Jared lowered Todd gently to the floor. Once again, Todd curled up his knees, forcefully brushing off Jared’s hands. Unable to deal with being touched, he buried his face in his arms. Jared backed off and sat a little away from him, very concerned by Todd’s behavior. Tears born of anger and frustration choked Todd’s throat and burned his eyes – but not the cleansing tears wrought from release Jared knew the young man desperately needed to shed. After a round of muffled, vile, self-abusing curses Todd grew quiet and seemed to calm down. When he lifted his head, Todd appeared to Jared in better control of is emotions.

“Shit! I … can’t … it’s too … too … aw, fuck.”

Todd’s voice was rough and shaky. Tears slipped down his cheeks. He’d wipe them way roughly, only to free more from his lashes. Shaking his head, Todd struggled to get the words out.

“It’s too much … too much.”

Jared ached for Todd. Whatever it was, he was having an awful time getting a hold of it. Ignoring the boy’s flinch, Jared smoothed the dark hair. He could feel the heat rising from it.

“Shhh … easy now. What’s too much, Todd?” Keeping his tone from revealing his own frustration and confusion, Jared maintained a cool veneer he was far from feeling as Todd tried to get the words out around his hitching breath.

“This …today … it’s too hard … I don’t wanna … see … know what …what it could have been like … family, dude … it’s too hard … it hur … hur … hurts too much.”

Not fully understanding, Jared could only ask what Todd was talking about.

“What hurts, Todd? I thought, for the most part, you had a good time tonight.”

Raking his hands cruelly out of his hair, Todd spit his frustration out at Jared.

“You just don’t fuckin’ get it! … What hurts? … Just the fact that my whole fuckin’ life is fucked up!”

Jared opened his mouth to speak, but Todd yelled at Jared, cutting him off angrily.

“No! … I can’t!. It’s too late … it ain’t worth it … I ain’t worth it …there is to much in ...” Todd began pounding on his chest brutally with one fist, as he lost the ability to speak further.

Jared reached out to still the punishing hand. Firmly grabbing Todd by the shoulders, he gave him a rough shake.

“Stop it ! … Stop it, Todd! What’s too late?”

“Family, dude … its’ too late for me to start over … to start now …(choke).

Todd had almost no voice. His throat ached, and he could not swallow easily. His words were barely above a hoarse whisper when he did get them forced out.

“It hurts, Jared … it’s too much. “

Jared had little clue to what Todd meant. How could he? Love and family had always been a comfort to him; something he’d always had. Even when Brian was all over him, there was love behind it, and the fact that Brian was usually in the right. There was a type of comfort in that too.

For Todd it was different. He had little to no love or caring attention past the age of ten. Todd now had a taste of what he’d been missing out on, what his life should have been like, surrounded by people who loved him. Todd wished he’d never been allowed to see what it was liked to be loved, to have people who wanted and protected you - even from yourself. It made all that had happened seem so cruel and unfair, that his whole live - or the greater part of it - had been … a waste.

“Ignorance is bliss,” Todd whispered with bitter mockery. Never had he truly understood the phrase till now. Looking at the man sitting next to him, Todd saw the confusion and worry in Jared’s eyes. He shrugged at the irony.

“It was better not knowing … that …what I could have had … if … fuck it. It don’t matter now.”

Jared was unable to watch this young man he loved self-destruct on ghosts. It was time to exorcise them.

“Wrong. It does matter now … it has always mattered. “

Todd’s lungs felt like they wanted to collapse under the pressure of holding back the pain and anger that churned inside. He did not have the words to express how hurt he felt, having never had what he was shown today. He felt robbed of something precious.

“Jan is so … with Jamie and all … don’t you get it? Only my mom … made me feel…” Todd stopped, as he was unable and unwilling to go there. Perhaps he’d never be able to deal with the subject of his mom.

“…until today. Jan treated me like a … and Brian … he … he coulda … but he only…“

Words came in such a rush, Todd could only choke them out in small, disjoined, confused chunks as the events of the day took their toll on his already weakened emotional defenses.

Aching to reach out to Todd, Jared kept his hands to himself … for now. He understood Todd’s dark mood from earlier and his upset now. Only Todd had it wrong - so very wrong.

“Todd, it’s not too late. It will never be too late … not by a damned sight. We cant’ change what should have been. We CAN change what will be. You can have all of it still. There are people right here, right now, who already love you, Todd.”

Jared watched Todd shake his head sadly.

“No … it’s too much … I’m not worth the trouble … I can’t …”

Frustration fired Jared’s temper.

“Bullshit! I don’t ever want to hear that from you. Not one more time - you hear me? No more of that crap, Ansley.”

Ice formed in Todd’s gut at the tone and the use of his last name. Jared’s gentle eyes had hardened into emerald slivers. The sensation in his stomach was similar to what he felt every time he was in serious trouble with the man … like his guts had frozen.

Jared knew that right now he could either let Todd just stuff his feeling back into the corners of his mind to fester, or he could continue to push Todd to cut them free. Not sure what was right, he followed his instincts.

“Todd, you’ve got to let all this go … it’s time to let it all out, to deal with it and put it away.”

Todd shook his head … all emotions seemed to fade, his tears dried leaving his eyes glittering like dark, exotic gems.

“I can’t.”

It was not an argument - it was a flat, cold, fearful fact. Almost an apology, as Todd flinched and slid his eyes away from under Jared’s intense glare. His stomach dipped to his knees - or so it felt like - at the icy glower Jared had focused on him. Todd could feel the heat from the other man’s growing temper, and it made his stomach roll. Todd had never before cared much about who he pissed off, but Jared was one person that caused him to squirm in his skin at the thought making mad. Not out of fear. Todd checked that thought. There was some fear: fear of punishment, of being sprawled over the man’s lap bawling as if he were Jamie’s age. Jared was very clear on the subject of punishment, and has made good on all his promises there. Todd’s eyes could not meet Jared’s stern glare. Todd hated the idea of Jared upset with him … it made his stomach feel tight and sick.

Todd felt like he was hanging from a ledge and his fingers were slipping off one by one with every soft encouragement Jared made to help him let go. He tried to pull himself up, to get a hold of control, but it was too difficult. The lure to fall was so strong.

“Not this time Ansley,” Jared thought to himself, as he watched the now very familiar battle for control that Todd would often wage within himself. The way his face would pale. How his breath would become so shallow, he appeared to not breath at all. The thousand-yard stare, that blank expression. Wherever Todd’s mind was taking him, Jared was determined to follow. “This time we go all the way.”

“Yes, you can …Todd, you’ve been carrying such a heavy load and for much too long. And you’ve done good, little man, real good. But it’s too heavy now … time to lay it down.”

Todd’s icy barriers seemed to crack some. His eyes cleaved to Jared, and reflected his fear. He was so scared … so close to doing just that … just letting go … he’d never let go … he’d never given up … Todd was so tired … whatever was in him, it wanted out. He had been surfing this particular tidal wave of memories and emotions, knowing he would drown if he fell.

“I’ll drown.” Todd’s voice was just a thread of sound, as if unaware that his words were being spoken out loud. Jared heard, and it took a moment to register what the boy meant.

“No, you won’t. I won’t let you … just let go, Todd.”

Green eyes tracked a crystal of moister that escaped the corner of Todd’s eye to slide slowly down a bruised cheek, passing full, trembling lips, to hang on a clenched jaw.

“I ca…” Todd coughed to cover what he nearly said. This was so hard, so scary -he just wanted Jared to drop it. The stern look on the man’s face told him clearly that was not about to happen.

“I’m scared.”

Todd had had no intention of speaking that out loud. Yet hearing it, his own voice, how it cracked and how childish and small he sounded, made it worse … made it real.

Jared’s heart was beating so hard, he swore it echoed in the tense room. Todd was so close to giving up.

“That’s all right, Todd. It’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m right here, you don’t have to carry this alone … you don’t have to carry it at all.”

Todd wanted to give in to Jared’s voice, to let go … to give in …to fall. He could feel his demons fighting against their cages. His breathing was uneven and shaky, quiet tears found freedom faster than Todd could wipe them away. He was so tired of fighting … of being trapped under all this … stuff. He looked at Jared. He had strong feelings for this man. He had yet to figure them out, but Jared … the Tank, had wrenched from him something he thought he no longer had to give … trust . . . and something else he could not recognize.

Ernest green eyes bore into him. No! Todd could not let Jared share this burden. He could admit that much affection for the Tank. Enough that he did not want Jared ever to feel like this.

Jared could feel the shift in the boy. He chose his words and tone very carefully.

“It’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to feel angry and hurt. You own that, you have that right. None of it’s your fault. The blame for your childhood, you do not own it …you have no rights to it. It belongs to someone else. I won’t let you rob or steal from those who own that guilt. No sir.”

Todd just stared at his hands; it made him angry for some reason. He felt what he felt - who was Jared or anyone to tell him what to believe? He had been the one there, not Jared. Yet, it felt good that Jared saw good in him, no one had before … not since Clare. Twinges of guilt consumed Todd at the memory of the tough, old lady in the desert.

Leaving ownership of blame and guilt alone for the moment, Jared went for the big question.

“Todd, do you want to let go?”

A sharp, gasp-like sob escaped Todd’s pursed lips, followed by another, as he shook his head miserably . . . but, oh, so slightly that Jared was not at all convinced that the boy was truly negative on this.

Todd could feel himself tremble. He wanted to lean over into Jared so bad … just for a second. Just for a little while, so he could get a grip … he felt he was slipping and would fall any minute.

“C’mon, Todd … just let go … it’s safe. It’s just us here.”

That deep, rich voice made it sound so good. But the dark head still shook negatively. Jared leaned over to look Todd close in the eye - or would have, had the kid bothered to look up at him. A wry grin graced Jared’s handsome features at the boy’s avoidance.

“What’s the matter? You afraid that a man you like to call a tank - and we’ll get into that someday - you think I can’t take it, Todd? You give me too little credit.”

Jared was not sure at all that he could - Todd’s revelations were staggering - but he needed to let the kid know that he had an ally, that he was cared for and had someone to listen, or to just be whatever Todd needed.

Todd stared at the floor for a long moment, as if he were holding his breath. He really believed that Jared did, indeed, know how to read minds. Todd had only moments ago sworn to himself to keep Jared safe from these nightmares. Safe from the ever-present pain inside him that just never seemed to go away.

The boy was still so long, that Jared feared that Todd had found away to gain back his control and shut him out … then Todd leaned forward and covered his face with his arms, as those small sneeze-like sobs came from under the boy’s limbs. Jared could hear the short abrupt gasps as Todd took in small amounts of air, as he battled the internal gate keepers that kept him locked away - detached and safe. Todd’s shoulders shook with the force of the sobs that battered his whole body. Jared sat unsure next to Todd, afraid to move; afraid he’d halt what was starting.

Todd was also afraid. He clenched his teeth down against the sobs that racked his chest, but he could not stop them. His throat felt like it was collapsed, his lungs burned as if a giant hand was squeezing them, it was hard to breath. Squeezing his eyes closed against the thick tears that stung and blinded him, he was only vaguely aware of Jared’s deep voice calmly urging him to breath. What felt to Todd like a huge gasp, came out as only a soft sigh, as he let his mental fortress crumble around himself.

For the better part of three hours, Todd emotions swung wildly from one extreme to the next. There was soul rendering heartbreak and confusion at the pain inflicted on him that he had no answers for. He would launch into intense, dry-eyed outbursts of rage at the injustice of his life and self-blame to the point of doing damage. Todd began to punch himself in the chest violently - as he berated himself for being such a puss and turned the air blue with curses at those that hurt him. Jared was forced to pin him down at one point, as Todd railed and shouted obscenities at the world and himself for his weakness while he struggled under Jared. Todd then hurled groundless curses at his protector. Jared explained vehemently over and over that none of what had happened to him was his fault, he owned none of the blame. The look he got from Todd was bitter and jaded, to say the least.

Jared kept the boy pinned until he calmed down. As Todd’s anger ebbed, he was allowed to sit up and away from Jared as he tried to claim back some control. Jared asked Todd questions on why he felt it was his fault. It was difficult for Todd to answer through his jerky little gasps, as he tried to suppress his tears and struggle with his ability to speak. In between hiccupping breaths, he gave answers that were chilling. Todd’s voice would quiver and break with emotion as he spoke. The boy actually believed he was human trash … worthless, unwanted and stupid. That whatever power ruled the universe was out to punish him for some reason. This concerned Jared greatly. A fearful question that has been in the back of his mind for a long time grew more insistent.

“Todd, look at me.”

Round, dark eyes met his briefly. Todd trembled with emotion as he sat there hugging himself in a tight ball.

“What makes you, little boy, so special that God would spend the time, his infinite time, on ruining your life? We are but a blink of his eye. He is going to take the time to dole out this kind of crap?”

Todd had no answer to that.

“Special as you are, Todd…” Jared took Todd’s face in his hands firmly and peered down into the dark dampness of his eyes.

“Dammit! You are so fucking special, Todd - to me, to others … but, Todd, listen to me now … you are just not that special in the grand scheme of the universe. You’re going to have to find another answer.”

Todd jerked out of Jared’s hold, and wiped his face with the end of his t-shirt. Having nothing to say to Jared’s argument, Todd just stared off past the man’s shoulder into space. Little gasps would erupt occasionally in his stony silence. His fingers reached up and began to pick at his lip nervously.

“What’s with the lip, Todd? You seem to attack that pretty often, and I’ve seen what you do to it. It’s bleeding … hey, stop it now.”

It was all Jared could do to keep from slapping the boy’s hand from his battered lip. Grabbing a box of tissues from the coffee table, Jared moved to dab at the bleeding mouth. Todd jerked away.

“What? Still don’t trust me? That’s okay … there is time to remedy that. Now c’mere and let’s leave off the lip.”

Todd watched Jared closely as he gently attended to the sore lower lip. The stern look to the man’s face was offset by his tender touch.

“Hmmm, you did a good job. Why do you do this?”

Todd shrugged. Half the time he was unaware that he had done so until he found blood on his fingers. Todd felt the tears build up and spill over, blinding him. Jared’s gentle touch and voice where too much to fight. He had no tools to fight gentleness, kindness or love. His only weapon against those had been stolen from him. His ability to run . . . or more truthfully his will to run. No longer did he want to. Not even now with his greatest fear so close to coming true … of letting go, giving up control. Right now, that was what he wanted to do. In fact, right now, he had no choice - that too had been stolen as his eyes overflowed to the brim with hot burning tears that spilled over his lashes. He was not able to wipe them away fast enough as he scrubbed at his face. Panicked at what was beginning, Todd desperately tried to stop the inevitable. A firm grip gently held his wrists still. Todd locked eyes with Jared. The green eyes of the Tank stared back.

“C’mon.”

It was not a question or an entreaty. No matter how softly spoken, it was an order. Fighting it was impossible at this point. Todd’s grip on himself had been clinging by his mental fingernails, and he was down to only a few fingers. Falling was going to happen. Todd’s eyes pleaded with Jared’s, saying, “Please don’t do this. I’m scared.” There was no give to the Tank - his encouragement to let go was like a heavy foot on those last few fingers gripping Todd’s emotional ledge. Too tired to hold on or fight any longer, Todd let go.

Chapter 24 (coming soon)

Y2K12 Index

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