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A Collection of Fluffy Songs, Poems, Jokes, and
TrueTales
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A Fluffy Son's Lament
By Devin Braun
Dear Underground Fluff Group,
Your efforts have been successful. My mom has been assimilated into your collective.
No more is she one in herself, but ratherpart of many, a group of underground gossippers.
She doesn't "write"letters anymore, she "posts" them. She has applied
for a name change to: Sharon Figster Brawny Braun.
She can't handle any more delicate objects until the operation next week. Doctors say
that after they have removed the foreign object from her hands, they will have a 90%
chance of becoming100% mobile again. I never thought that keyboards could melt to
someone's hands!?
She has begun to talk in code. When we leave for school she says, "T T Y L!"
When we tell her a joke, she stays straight-faced and says, "L O L." Huh? I want
my mom back! Just to think that two years ago, whenever I told her that I was going to
check my electronic mail, she told me, "Try not to electrocute yourself."
Remember the good ol' days, you know, the ones when "fluff"was something
that came off your shirt. To think that this "fluff"became a collective group of
crazy sheltie fanatics. No more is my mom herself, she is one in "many." This
"many"being a group of people who connect through their love of dogs, and who
have nothing else to do all day but type, and type, and type, and type, and...you get the
idea.
Sincerely,
A Very Disquieted Son Who Is Concerned For His Mom And Doesn't Want Her To Assimilate
Him Too (although it might be too late)
Carry Me Back to Old TOONgabbie*
By Amanda Bettesworth
(Sung to the tune of "Carry me back to old Virginny".)
*Old Toongabbie is a small country town in New South Wales, Australia.
Carry me back to Old Toongabbie.
There's where the eucalyptus and banksias grow.
There's where the kookaburras laugh in the springtime.
There's where this old sheltie's heart longs to go.
There's where I ran and played all day in the sunshine,
Chasing kangaroos through the fields of yellow wheat.
No place on earth do I love more sincerely
Than Old Toongabbie, despite the flies and heat!
Carry me back to Old Toongabbie.
There's where the eucalyptus and banksias grow.
There's where the kookaburras laugh in the springtime.
There's where this old sheltie's heart longs to go.
Some of my friends have long since gone before me.
One day we will meet on that bright and golden shore.
There we'll be happy and free from all sorrow,
We'll meet at the Rainbow Bridge and we'll part no more.
Carry me back to Old Toongabbie.
There's where the eucalyptus and banksias grow.
There's where the kookaburras laugh in the springtime.
There's where this old sheltie's heart longs to go!
Cappy
Many years ago, I trained with the Nashville Dog Training Club. There was a woman
there named Margaret who had two very big keeshonden. She decided to use my kennel when
she was out of town, and the first time she brought the dogs, one of them, Cappy, had a
huge hot spot. When I tried to medicate him, he went ballistic! Truly and ferociously! I
was able to escape this 70 pounder by getting into my grooming room and closing the door.
It was necessary for me to call the vet to tranquilize the dog. Four years passed, and
Cappy never forgot the traumatic experience,(and neither did I! ) Each Wednesday night, as
my dog and I entered the training building, the room would fill with Cappy's growls....and
this from 65 feet way! Margaret continued to board her dogs with me through these years.
One winter, she left her dogs with me for a few days. A few mornings later, as I entered
the kennel, instead of being greeting by ferocious barking and frightening growls, I heard
the nearest thing to sobbing I could ever describe issuing from Cappy's throat. He looked
at me with such distress in his eyes, I opened his gate without fear. Cappy leaned against
me and continued sobbing. And then the phone rang. Margaret had died of a heart attack
twenty minutes before. In New Jersey.
--Ann
"When I Come to the End of the Road"
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little, but not for long,
And not with your head bowed low,
Remember the love that we once shared,
Miss me but let me go!
For this is a journey we all must take,
And each must go alone.
It's all a part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart,
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds,
Miss me but let me go!!
--Author Unknown
(Submitted by Gael )
Tribute to A Veteran
By Diane Troese
The show ring beckons you,
Just one more time.
I see your eyes brighten:
Your steps seem more light.
Your ears are alert,
As you show for the crowd.
The judge you acknowledge;
The clapping grows loud.
Those years haven't dimmed
Your joy and zest for life.
Though time may have slowed you,
And your muzzle is flecked with white,
Your strong will and grand old heart
Are shining for all to see.
My love for you deepens--
Heart, Soul, and Memories.
(Submitted with Permission by Sandy)
"The Creation Story as told by Snoopy"
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to
serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could
labour for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog
might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the
dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest but He had to walk the
dog.
~ Gloria Baughman
Belaire Manor Shelties with "Nigel" The Beagle and
"Keegan" The Keeshond
Dogs Classified
By Michelle Pitts
Now, I know you all think all the dogs that come into ourshop for grooming are as well
behaved as the dogs you see at shows. So, I kinda hate to disillusion you, but I was
pondering on the different types of dogs we see come into the shop and thought I would
share them with you.
Screaming Mimi: This is the dog that screams loudlywhen you approach it, touch
it, before you touch it, when youlook at it, etc. These are most often Cockers, but some
Bichons can do a fair job of this.
Demon Dog: This is the dog that shows you his teeth(*all of them*) when you
attempt to do basic things like cleanears, trim nails, brush him, etc. Most often, these
are Scotties,Westies or other little Terror types (oops, that's Terrier types), also
Pomeranians. But can come in any breed, yes, even in Shelties!
Damn Demon Dog: See above, and add spinning, barking,flipping around, clawing,
and snarling to the attributes of this lovely type! May also exhibit this behavior when
you are not trying to groom him, but is usually the sweetest, most biddable
creature if you are following *his* rules.
Slinky: This is the lovely critter that can twist itself almost in half. For
instance, if you need to groom the right front leg, the right front leg can be found
somewhere in the vicinityof the left rear leg. If you need to groom the rear end, it can
be located near the head, and if you are trying to trim the top line, it somehow manages
to resemble a camel. Maltese are the culprits here, as are any of the longer backed
breeds, like Bichons, Lhasas,and Shih Tzus. Another that is extremely good at this is the
Afghan Hound.
Placemat: Can you guess? This one is the one plasteredto your grooming table.
No matter what you do, you cannot pry him up for more than a moment at a time. If you do
manage to get the rear end up, the front end remains firmly in place, and vice versa.
Guess the most common breed of placemat is the Shih Tzu,though this can be widespread in
any breed.
Fainting Dog: Variation on the above mentioned placemat with a little twist.
Similar to the fainting goats of Tibet? thesedogs only flatten themselves when you
approach them. They will be standing perfectly, but as soon as you make a move toward
them, they drop like a ton of bricks. Yorkies, no doubt about it! Kind of fun though,
cause you can walk toward, then away, toward, thenaway and it's kind of like you have a
string attached to you:when you walk away the dog can stand, but as you move toward
him,the "string" tightens and pulls his legs out from under him.
Vibrator Dog: Also known as "terrier shakes"(guess which breeds are
afflicted?). This is the dog that vibrates so hard the entire table shakes! Usually as you
are trying to scissor a rear leg. Also can be kind of amusing as after about10 minutes of
watching this constant motion, your vision tends to blur and your grooming as well. Any
terrier will do this, but long-legged terriers are the best at it (Kerry Blues,Airedales,
Wire Fox, etc).
Acrophobic Dog: This dog is the one that will stand on your table absolutely,
perfectly still - until or unless you attempt to reposition any part of him. Should you
make the mistake of trying to turn him, or move a foot, he immediately is convincedhe will
fall off the table and begins to scramble for purchase. Sometimes to the point that you
cannot keep him on said tableand does jump/fall off. No doubt about it, this is *always* a
large dog that is as tall as the table itself (and could easilystep off the table without
any chance of injury).
Happy dog: Happy dog is the one that wags his whole self for the entire
grooming. Should someone happen to pass your table his wagging becomes doubly
enthusiastic. He will also lick incessantly, anything within reach - including scissors,
not a good idea. Any friendly dog will do.
Too Happy Dog: This one is a favorite in the shop. He (and yes, it is always a
he) will bring Mr. Happy out to greet you at the merest provocation. He will also play
strange games with your arm, or if he is big enough, will attempt to introduce all other
dogs in the shop to Mr. Happy (and sometimes the groomers too! <G>)Any unneutered
male will play this role, but Poodles, Goldens, and Labs are particularly well-versed.
The Urinator: See Too Happy Dog. This is the one that will pee on any and
everything. A towel in front of, under andto the sides of this dog is a must! Yes, he will
even lift his little leg while being groomed. Terriers are most common, butany unneutered
male will play this game!
Dancing Dog: Pretty self-explanatory. This one dances all over the place. Can't
seem to keep all four feet on the table at once. Poodles, Maltese, Shih Tzu, or any
likewise small dog.
What Am I To You?
By M. Kummer
As a pup I dreamed and wondered
What life would hold in store:
For ME, I thought, there's something GREAT
Beyond that kennel door.
Out there are needy people
And I have much to give:
Love, and wit, and gentleness,
To help them learn to live.
I'd be someone's protector,
keep little ones from harm,
Or guide an old man's weary steps,
Or help to run a farm.
I'd run and bark and jump and play
With friends along a sandy shore.
I'd roll in meadows thick and green
That lie beyond that kennel door.
I lay here waiting -- longing,
As the years and days went by;
My owner kept me fed and brushed,
But inside, let me die.
I do not dream of greatness now,
I'm old and filled with pain,
My owner has some ribbons,
But I have lived in vain.
I cannot think what could have been,
My dreams are filled with hope no more,
Just floor, and walls and broken heart
For me behind this kennel door.
This is the story that my father (Phil Jurus)wrote for me after
Gizmo's accident that broke his tail. I have been looking for this for a long time and
finally got my dad to send me a copy. I wanted to share it with you all. He wrote it on
07-18-95.
Kirstie Dean
The Tail Wags the Dog
One Day, DOG* was looking over the animal ancestors in Haven and, much to his
surprise, found that the only one he didn't have was a Sheltie. He was quite upset, since
this was one of his favorites. He knew that the only way he could get one was to go to the
earth and find one and bring it back. He really didn't want to do that because he knew how
much the people loved their pets, and he didn't want to take anybody's pet.
As he was trying to figure out what to do, he got a message that gave him the answer.
It seems that this Sheltie named Gizmo, being a herding dog, was just doing what he did
and accidentally got under the foot of a runner. His tail was badly injured and had to be
removed. Well DOG immediately dispatched his greyhoundmessenger to get that tail and bring
it back to Haven. As soon as it was brought to him he took it, as only DOG could do, and
rom it was able to create, just from that tail, a beautiful Sheltie for the Havenly
dogdom. The tail was very happy too because it had been selected for this honor by DOG. So
the tail began wagging again, and that made all the animals in Haven happy.
And DOG, knowing that Gizmo's owner was upset, told Gizmo that everytime he was happy,
even though he didn't have a tail on earth to wag, his tail in Haven would be wagging for
him, and all of the animals in DOG's dogdom would be happy. So it came to be that the Tail
Wagged the Dog; and forever after, whenever any dog wagged its tail, it would be because
of Gizmo and DOG's happiness that he could have such a fine example and didn't have to
take anybody's pet to do it.
(*DOG spelled backwards is "god")
WHY IT IS EASIER TO ROOM WITH A DOG
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking directions.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs never expect gifts.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner thana lobster one.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Some dog quotes I pulled off the web. Enjoy!
Michelle
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case
the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."--Dave
Barry
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in
the face, you should go home and examine your conscience."--Woodrow Wilson
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain
dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber
"The difference between cats and dogs is, dogs come whenthey
are called, cats take a message and get back to you."
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's
importance,everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend,and
inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." --Groucho Marx.
"Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent
job."--Franklin P. Jones
"A dog is not 'almost human', and I know of no greater
insult to the canine race than to describe it as such." --JohnHolmes
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a
sweater...suggest that he wear a tail." --Fran Lebowitz
"If you can't decide between a Shepherd, a Setter ora
Poodle, get them all... adopt a mutt!"--ASPCA
"Dogs, the foremost snobs in creation, are quick to notice
the difference between a well-clad and a disreputable stranger."--Albert Payson
Terhune 'The Coming of Lad'
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive
evidencethat you are wonderful." --Ann Landers
"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book,and a
woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a
little fun!" --Groucho Marx
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking
your face."--Ben Williams
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite
unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always haveto mix love and hate in their
objective relations."-- SigmundFreud
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our
liveswhole." -- Roger Caras
"The dog barks backward without getting up/I can
rememberwhen he was a pup." --Robert Frost
"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who
stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
"America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.Every
time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair." --A.J. Toynbee
"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog,the
scenery never changes." --Lewis Grizzard
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,he
will not bite you; that is the principal difference betweena dog and a man." --Mark
Twain
"You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, theywill
be there long before any of us." --Robert Louis Stevenson
"The disposition of noble dogs is to be gentle with
peoplethey know and the opposite with those they don't know...How, then,can the dog be
anything other than a lover of learning since it defines what's its own and what's
alien." --Plato
"Politics are not my concern... they impressed me as a dog's
life without a dog's decencies." --Rudyard Kipling
"If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed
to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his
dog." --George Bernard Shaw
"No man can be condemned for owning a dog. As long ashe has
a dog, he has a friend; and the poorer he gets, the betterfriend he has." --Will
Rogers
"America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Everytime
it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair." --ArnoldToynbee
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a
problem." --Edward Abbey
"Rambunctious, rumbustious, delinquent dogs become angelic
when sitting." --Dr. Ian Dunbar
"The old saw about old dogs and new tricks only appliesto
certain people." --Daniel Pinkwater
'Train Your Dog, Dammit!'
"A dog, I will maintain, is a very tolerable judge of
beauty, as appears from the fact that any liberally educated dogdoes, in a general way,
prefer a woman to a man." --FrancesThompson
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members ofa weird
religious cult." --Rita Rudner
"Show a dog a finger, and he wants the whole
hand."--Yiddish Proverb
"A dog is not 'almost human', and I know of no greater
insult to the canine race than to describe it as such." --JohnHolmes
"In the world which we know, among the different and
primitive geniuses that preside over the evolution of the severalspecies, there exists not
one, excepting that of the dog, that ever gave a thought to the presence of man."
--Maurice Maeterlinck, Our Friend, The Dog
"Recollect that the Almighty, who gave the dog to be
companion of our pleasures and our toils, hath invested him with a nature noble and
incapable of deceit." --Sir Walter Scott,The Talisman
"The nose of the Bulldog has been slanted backwards sothat
he can breathe without letting go." --Winston Churchill
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
By Peggy Althoff
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were
giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its
mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill .
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and
back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new
cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding
position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over
your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly.
Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what<br> you're
doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill.
Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's
mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are
causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten
cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw
hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.songs"
FLUFFSTER'S SINGALONG
The Fluffsters are a very talented group. Their contributions to the "Real
World" (??) have been many. In their off times, they enjoy their most favorite
activity of singing. Pleasecheck out their repertoire of songs and join along in their
"SingAlong with the Fluffsters," or in the more professional
line--SheltieTheatre.
When I find myself in times of trouble
SMMR comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
Let it be..... Let it be....
There will be our answer,
Let it be.....
Michelle
We are the Fluffsters,
Mighty, mighty Fluffsters,
Everywhere we go, people always know.
Who we are, you can't beat us.
We are the Fluffsters,
Mighty, Mighty Fluffsters,
Everywhere we go, people always know.
Who we are, you can't beat us.
Sung to the tune of "You Are My Sunshine"
You are my Fluffsters...
My only Fluffsters...
You make me Happy when my Sheltie won't "stay"...
You'll never know listers how much I love you...
Please don't take my Fluffsters away!
~'Chelle
How about Lennon-McCartney's 'Eight Days a Week'
Ooh I need your fluff babe, guess you know it's true.
Hope you need my fluff babe, just like I need you.
Hold me, fluff me, hold me, fluff me.
Ain't got nothin' but fluff babe. Eight days a week.
~jukka
finland
~Michelle (aka THE SONGSTRESS)
please sing to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon"
Fluff the magic sheltie
lived on the List
and frolicked in the CHAT and BREE
and made some Listers pissed
Little Listers chatting, loved that sheltie fluff
and talked of nude Gaels, kids, and other funny stuff
Sheltie List lives forever, but not so Sheltie Fluff
so get off all your high horses,
or Gale -- goes -- in -- the -- buff.
~Michelle
SHELTIE THEATRE
(Quote from Sheltielot--
"In short there's simply not,
a more congenial spot,
for happily ever aftering
than here at Sheltielot!)
West Side Sheltie
(sung to the tune of Maria)
Maria! I just sniffed a dog named Maria!
And suddenly my nose, just goes and goes and goes, to thee!
Maria! I just licked a dog named Maria!
And goodness what a switch! I really want that bitch, with me!
Maria! Bark it loud and there's music playing
Bark it soft and her odors remaining.
Maria, I'll never stop barking Maria!
Sound of Shelties:
(Sung to the tune of "Edelweiss")
Sheltie Barks, Sheltie Barks,
Every morning you greet me.
Tri's and Blues, Sables too
You look happy to meet me.
~Dave
Somewhere Over The Rainbow Bridge
Somewhere over the Rainbow
Bridge, they play
And we know that they really
Haven't gone away....
Somewhere over the Rainbow
Bridge, they glide
Waiting for the day when they'll
Again be by our side....
Away above the chimney tops
Where Shelties chew on all our socks
Is where you'll find me...
If happy little Shelties lie
Waiting with a happy sigh
Why, oh, why can't I?
~Michelle
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