Sweet
 

C:\Documents\Kelly\My Documents\videos\michelleb\chv_int_aug03.mpg
 

The grainy little clip takes you seven minutes to download and two seconds to delete.

You watch it first, of course. Yeah, you watch it about fifty fucking times.

"Sweet!" Michelle squeals over and over, "Kelly Osbourne's so sweet! Like she has that reputation but when I met her, she was just so sweeeeeet! She even invited me to sleep over at her place!"

You hit the pause button - Michelle Branch in freeze-frame, her big doe eyes and glossy lips reduced to pixels and dots - and lean in closer and closer till your nose is almost pressed against the screen.

"Bitch," you hear yourself say, "you stupid, stupid bitch."

Sleep over, like it was some fucking high school slumber party, and you laugh a bitter laugh as you rock backwards in your chair. You never knew anyone could be that fucking idiotic.

It stung at the time, when she turned you down, but now to find out she didn't even know she was doing it - you should feel better, right? But you don't. You don't. Instead you feel pissed off and cheated and furious for reasons you don't even know how to put a name to.

So you hit delete. Send Michelle and her fucking "sweeeeeet!" to the garbage where she belongs.

But even that doesn't make you feel better. You're no good to anyone in this mood and Jack isn't around to pick a fight with, so you go back to your room and throw yourself down on the bed.

You grab your iPod, hit 'random', and turn the volume up. First song is 'Rock The Casbah' and that's good, next is 'Violet' and that's even better. As you sing along you're starting to feel okay...

But the third song, wouldn't you know, it's fucking Michelle and her fucking 'Everywhere' and suddenly everything is shit again.

You just can't get that word out of your head. Sweet, she called you, like you were some little girl, and the frustration tastes like acid in your mouth as you turn to bury your face in the pillow. With your headphones on she sounds so close, like she's singing in your ear, like if you opened your eyes right now she'd be lying there beside you.

Your whole body is warm, the tips of your nerves tingling. You remember how she looked that night, giggly with champagne, the black spaghetti strap of her dress slipping from one tanned shoulder.

Sweet, you imagine her whisper, you're sweet, and as your hand slips down between your thighs, as you bite down on cotton sheets, you can only wish she thought you were something more.

By Ro, December 2003

Note: I've paraphrased, obviously, but the Michelle Branch interview is real and took place on Australia's Channel V Whatuwant video request program during her promo tour in August 2003. She talked briefly about meeting Kelly Osbourne and being surprised to discover that she was very sweet, and that she was even invited to sleep over at the Osbourne house. Michelle did not take up the offer.

[Home]