VARKEN
Moos komt thuis van de tennisles. Zijn witte broek is van onder tot boven vuil.
Zijn moeder moppert: "Je ziet er uit als een big. Je weet toch wat een big is?"
- "Ja, de zoon van een varken!"
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ZICH BEHELPEN
Razor heeft geen armen en geen benen. Hij wil een meisje voor plezier bestellen. Hij belt naar de hoer en vraagt of ze om 9 uur wil komen, maar haast zich er bij te zeggen::"Ik heb wel geen armen en geen benen." Vraagt de hoer: "Heb je wel een lul?"
"Ja," zegt Razor, "hoe denk je dat ik het nummer gedraaid heb?!"
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BLOND EN DOM
- Hoe kan je zien dat een dom blondje een e-mail verstuurd heeft?
- Er zit een envelop in de disk-drive!
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DE KORSTE WEG
"Hoe kom ik van hier het snelst naar het ziekenhuis?" vraagt een man op een drukke verkeersweg aan een voorbijganger.
"Door midden op de weg te blijven staan!"
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BIJ DE GEESTESDOKTER
"Wat zou er gebeuren als ik u uw linkeroor afsneed?" vroeg de psychiater aan een patiënt.
"Dan zou ik niet goed meer kunnen horen."
"En als ik uw rechteroor ook afsneed?"
"Dan zou ik niets meer kunnen zien."
"Hoezo?"
"Omdat mijn bril dan van mijn neus zou vallen."
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A man who worked for the fire department came home and told his wife; "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire department. Bell # 1....we all put our coats on. Bell # 2 rings, we all slide down the pole. Bell # 3 rings, we're on the truck ready to go. From now on.... we are going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell # 1, you strip naked. Bell #2, you jump into bed, and bell # 3, we screw all night. The next night, he comes home from work and yells: "Bell One!!" She takes off her clothes. Bell Two!!.... she jumps into bed. "Bell Three!!" they begin to screw. After two minutes, she yells: "Bell Four!!" what's bell four for? he asks. "More Hose! she says..... "You ain't nowhere near the fire!"
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Q: Why do women have "Bumps" around their nipples? A: It's Braille for "Suck Here!"
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It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of 'try saying' new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. So...
Try saying: Really? Instead of: You've got to be shitting me.
Try saying: Of course I'm concerned. Instead of: Ask me if I give a shit.
Try saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead of: Tell someone who gives a shit.
Try saying: That's interesting. Instead of: What the fuck?!?!
Try saying: Are you sure this is a problem? Instead of: Who the fuck cares?
Try saying: Excuse me sir? Instead of: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
Try saying: So you weren't happy with it? Instead of: Kiss my ass.
Try saying: I see. Instead of: Blow me.
Try saying: Yes, we really should discuss it. Instead of: Another fucking meeting!!!
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"The Hotdog Episode"
Two drunks were sitting on a street corner wondering if they should
buy a beer with their last dollar. One of the drunks suggested that
they buy a hotdog. The other started bitching, complaining that he
couldn't drink a hotdog. The other drunk told him his idea.
"What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks.
After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip
my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can suck on it. The bartender
will throw us out thinking we're queers."
The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a
hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank
them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to suck
the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they
were queer.
They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to
complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the
other drunk would do the dirty work. The second drunk said, "I'd
rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar."
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Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her." After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her." The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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