On the Edge of Common Sense

A Cowful

by Baxter Black

Grandpa Tommy's dad used to say, "A cowful is a substantial quantity." According to my research, the rumen on a mature cow can hold up to 300 pounds. And by anybody's standards, that is quite a bit. Say you had a cowful of pocket change. You'd almost need a cow to keep it in. Say you had a cowful of wet laundry. It would take a forklift to get it in the dryer. Say you had a cowful of manure.

Well, I guess some of us do.

If a cowful became and accepted unit of measure, it coule replace the antiquated English standards like the dram and the rod. And those bland, simple-minded metric names that somehow sound communistic: kiloliter, hectometer, decigram. Can you picture in your mind what a decigram is? Is it the weight of a decimated graham cracker? Or 10 grandmas standin' on the scale?

Under the cowful system, 15 scoopfuls would equal a cowful. Two bootfuls would make a scoopful; 2 hatfuls would make a bootful. Half a hatful would equal a capful. Six canfuls, as in beer cans, makes a capful. One canful equals 40 thimblefuls; 20 teardrops in a thimbleful.

The dosage for penicillin would read: 4 teardrops per 5 scoopfuls of body weight IM.

For blackleg four-way vaccination: 1 thimbleful SQ. Repeat in 60 days.

Bizzare, you say. If a cowful was a measure of weight or volume, possibly the distance between postholes would become the standard unit of measure for lenght: for example, 660 postholes per section line, 4 thumbs to a hand, 3 hands to a foot, 4 feet to a coyote length and two coyote lengths to a posthole.

Decibles of loudness would be described in more understandable terms, from chicken peck to a pig squeal for everyday sounds. Loud noises would be categorized as small wreck, big wreck, and heck'uva wreck.

"So did you hear about Orbin gettin' bucked off? Musta sailed 5 coyote lengths, hit the side of the grain bin with a moose bugle, and 2 cowfuls of pellets fell on him. Smashed him flatter'n a rabbit's ear." "They got him to the Doc in half a coon's age, transfused him with a six-pack of type-O negative, and removed a posthole of intestine. He's doin' okay, but he's lost about 6 hatfuls.

"He's been a sheep's gestation recovering. Doc says it's a shock, but I figger it just scared a pea waddlin' and a half out of him. Well, I gotta go. I've an appointment in 4 1/2 shakes of a lamb's tail.

Published in the Western Horseman Sept 1999 pg. 216