The Death Page
This page is a collection of the morbid. It includes interesting facts about death; funny deaths, obituaries and headstones, my own funeral plans and my kill list.
Funny Facts, Deaths, Obits and Epitaphs:
| U | Apparantly when we die we lose exactly 21 grams in weight. Tradition holds that 21 grams is the weight of the soul and we lose the weight as our soul leaves our BODY |
| U | 'I told you I was sick' - on some guy's headstone in the states |
| U | 'Here lies Johnny Yeast, pardon me for not rising' |
| U | On the grave of a lawyer in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer. And that is strange. |
| U | Jebediah Goodwin. Auctioneer, Born 1828. Going! Going!! Gone!!! |
| U | Sacred to the memory of my husband, John Barnes who died January 3 1803. His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted. |
| U | Here, beneath this pile of stones lies all that's left of Sally Jones. Her name was Smith, not Jones, but Jones was used to rhyme with 'stones' |
| U | Ellen Shannon, age 26 years. Who was fatally burned March 21 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R E Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid.' |
My Kill List
| N | The chick at the library who knows nothing about how to do her job and doesn't seem to like me at all. I mean, dude, give me a break! |
| N | The dumb-ass real estate that requires me to drive past the frigging place before they'll let me make an appointment to check it out. Like, isn't that why I'm making the appointment in the first place? |
| N | The bitches at Coles and Woolies and everywhere else I go, that have not even a basic concept of customer service. Don't fucking look at me and say "what do you want?" because I will be a smartarse back to you. And if one more of you skanks yells "Can I help yoooouuu?" in my face I am simply going to say "No", leave, and not buy anything in your store again. |
| N | Everyone who works at Angus and Robertson at Stockland Shellharbour. What a bunch of arse-faces. Who has a go at a 7-year-old, claiming they are bending a book spine when the freaking book is closed? People with no lives, that's who. This is one of those previously mentioned places that people with no customer service skills at all (I'm serious, these people must have been trained by cityrail or something) work and actually get paid for it. |
My Funeral
| U | I want 'another one bites the dust' by queen, played at my funeral. I also like 'Knockin on Heaven's Door' by Guns 'n' Roses. I think they're appropriate anyway |
| U | I want a viking funeral where I get whacked on a raft, pushed out to sea and then shot with burning arrows until I go up like Uncle Paul's hair near a lighter. If this REALLY can't be done (and if you don't try reasonably hard to do it I will haunt you all) I wish to be cremated and either turned into a diamond or mixed in paint and painted onto a boat |
| U | If I have a coffin I want it to be either mahogany or rosewood. I know they're expensive. If we're broke, just use plywood and stain it so it looks like one of them. |
| U | If anyone does one of those cheesy photo homages, I want the photos to be with people I love, not just corny ones of me staring at the camera like a serial killer or grinning like I'm missing chromosomes. |
| U | I've been thinking I might wanna be put above-ground in a glass coffin so people can see me rot. Or maybe I can be a part of that art show with the preserved dead people. That'd be cool. Probably the only way I could afford overseas travel too. |
Last Words, Suicide Notes and Last Requests
| U | I should never have switched from Scotch to martinis - Humphrey Bogart |
| U | Josephine... |
| U | All my possessions for a moment of time - Queen Elizabeth I of England |
| U | I know you have come to kill me. Shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man. - Che Guevara |
| U | A king should die standing |
| U | I love you, Sarah. For all eternity, I love you. - James K Polk, US President |
| U | They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... - Gen John Sedgewick, Union Commander, US Civil War |
| U | I've had eighteen straight whiskeys. I think that's the record - Dylan Thomas |
| U | Moose... Indian... - Henry David Thoreau |
| U | Either that wallpaper goes, or I do - Oscar Wilde |
| U | You are going to hurt me, please don't hurt me, just one more moment, I beg you! - Madame du Barry, mistress of Louis XV, guillotined 1793 |
| U | I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass. - Johnny Frank Garret Snr, executed by injection, Texas, 1992 |
| U | I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this. - Thomas J Grasso, executed by injection, Oklahoma 1995 |
| U | I love you, Mom - Clarence Lackey, executed by injection, Texas 1997 |