My Quotes (funny)

Did you just spill a drink on me, or am I just way too excited to meet you?
- Pick-up line in Blogthings' flirting test

I bet that went down like a lead balloon
- Jess

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A GREAT friend will be sitting in the cell next to you, saying "That was AWESOME!"\

Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears
Sometimes when you are in pain, no one sees you're hurt
Sometimes whern you are worried, no one sees your stress
Sometimes when you are happy, no one sees your smile
But fart just one time...

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise - surprise and fear, fear and surprise... fear and surprise. Our two weapons are fear and suprise - and ruthless efficiency... Our THREE weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our FOUR... no... AMONGST our weapons - are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again
- Monty Python (can't remember which one though)

One evening in October, when I was 1/3 sober,
'An takin' home a 'load' with many pride;
My poor feet began to stutter, so I lay down in the gutter,
And a pig came up an' lay down by my side;
Then we sang "It's all fair weather when good fellows get together,"
Till a lady passing by was heard to say:
"You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses"
And the pig got up and slowly walked away
- And the Pig Got Up and Slowly Walked Away

Roses are red, vioets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I
- Bill Murray

Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOO'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
- Family Guy

Sometimes, Washington is one of those town where the person - people who think they've got the sharp elbow is the most effective person
- George W Bush

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, Homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me, and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case
Bart: Uh, Dad? Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room
- The Simpsons

Bart: This sucks!
Marge: Bart! Where would you learn language like that?
Homer (on phone): Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening
- The Simpsons

The one thing that unites all people, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background is that, deep down, we all think we're good drivers

My job requires mostly masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and at least once a day, retiring to the mens room so I can jerk off while I fantasise about a life that less closely resembles Hell.
- American Beauty

Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so Brain, but suppose we DO the hokey pokey and turn around, is that really what it's all about?
-Pinky and the Brain episode

[When Homer asks what he can do to get into Heaven and Marge hands him a list of chores]
Marge, I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus!
-The Simpsons

Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
- Dogma

Any impartial peron can clearly see that I am never in the wrong

A gun rack? I don't even have A gun, let alone MANY guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gunna do with a gun rack?
- Wayne's World

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged all the furniture.

Lilo: Did you lose your job because of Stitch and me?
Nani: Nah, The manager's a vampire. He wanted me to join his legion of the undead.
Lilo: Oh.
- Lilo and Stitch

You can only be young once, but you can always be immature

That's how I like girls. Straight and to my point.
- Lord Flasheart from Blackadder 4

That's just typical. Five minutes before the biggest party of my life and the house is destroyed by a giant sandwich!
-(P)Rick from the Young Ones

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like slinkies... Not really good for anything but you just can't help but laugh when you see them tumble down the stairs.

What are you going to do next? Anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?
-Clerks

He's like a one-legged man in a bum-kicking competition.
- Navjot Siddhu (Indian cricket commentator)

Glenn McGrath (to Otto Brandes, a tubby South African): Why are you so fat?
Otto Brandes: Coz every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit.

You have just recieved the Amish Computer Virus. Since the Amish don't have computers, it is based on the honor system. So please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you for you cooperation.
- Email virus message

When they circumcised Herbert Samuel they threw away the wrong bit
- David Lloyd George

Ah! This is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.
-The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
-Last words of General John Sedgwick

Evelyn Waugh (on the removal of Randolph Churchill's lung): It was announced that the trouble was not 'malignant'... I remarked that it was a typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant and remove it.

If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer!
- Ace Ventura, When Nature Calls

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

Garth! Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries!
- Wayne's World

People who talk in metaphors ought to shampoo my crotch

I'd like to thank my family for loving me and caring for me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass.
- Last words of a guy who was executed in Texas

(England) is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organising genious could product a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.
- Aneurin Bevan

All right chimey, this time the bell tolls for thee
- Chief Wiggam at Marge's incessantly-ringing doorbell

The Phantom Head-Shaver
- Episode of the Goon Show

My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.
- Winnie the Pooh

Duff-man is thrusting in the general direction of the problem
- The Simpsons

(To Morbow, the news-reader): How's your family?
Morbow: Belligerent and numerous

What has over a hundred teeth and holds back a monster? MY ZIPPER!!!!
- I have no idea where this came from