How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I `m full up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
How about me blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels yo finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down
How about no longer being masochistic
How about rememebring your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
**********
If it weren`t for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren`t so wise beyond your years I would`ve been able to contol myself
If it weren`t for my attention you wouldn`t hane been successful and
If it weren`t for me you would never have amount to very much
Ooh this could be messy but
You don`t seem to mind
Ooh don`t go telling everybody and
Overlook this supposed crime
We`ll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you`ve washed your hands clean of this
You`re essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You`re kind of my protege and one day you `ll youlearned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it
Ooh this could be messy but
You don`t seem to mind
Ooh don`t go telling everybody and
Overlook this supposed crime
We`ll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you`ve washed your hands clean of this
What part of your history`s reinvented and under rug swept?
What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
What with this distance it seems so obvious?
Just make sure you don`t tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz (because)you`re such a pretty thing when you`re done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body
Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don`t seem to mind
Ooh don`t go telling everybody and
Overlook this supposed crime
We`ll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you`ve washed your hands clean of this
*******
You`ll rescue me ,right?
In the exact same way they never did
I`ll be happy ,right?
When you healing powers kick in
You`ll complete me, right?
Then my life can finally begin
I`ll be worthy ,right?
Only when you realize the gem I am?
But this won`t work now the way it once did
And I won`t keep it up even though
I would love to
Once I know who I`m not them
I`ll know who I am
But I know I won`t keep on playing the victim
These precious illusions in my head
Did not let me down when I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting
With invisible best friends
This ring will help me yet as will you
Knight inshining armor
This pill will help me yet as
Will these boys gone through
Like the water
But this won`t work as well as
the way it once did
Cuz(because) I want to decide between survival and bliss
And through
I know who I`m not I stilldon`t know who I am
But I know I won`t keep on playing the victim
These precious illosion in my head
Did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friends
I`ve spent so long firmly looking outside me
I`ve spent so much time liking in survival mode..
********
Surrendering
you were full
and fully capable
you were self sufficient and needless
your house was fully decorated in that sense
you were taken with me to a point
a case of careful what you wish for
but what you knew was enough to begin
and so you called and courted fiercely
so you reached out, entirely fearless
and yet you knew of reservation and how it serves
and I salute you for your courage
and I applaud your perseverance
and I embrace you for your faith in the face of adversarial
forces
that I represent
so you were in but not entirely
you were up for this but not totally
you knew how arms length-ing can maintain doubt
and so you fell and you're intact
so you dove in and you're still breathing
so you jumped and you're still flying if not shocked
and I support you in your trusting
and I commend you for your wisdom
and I'm amazed by your surrender in the face of threatening
forces
that I represent
you found creative ways to distance
you hid away from much through humor
your choice of armor was your intellect
and so you felt and you're still here
and so you died and you're still standing
and so you softened and you're still safely in command
self protection was in times of true danger
your best defense to mistrust and be wary
surrendering a feat of unequalled measure
and I'm thrilled to let you in
overjoyed to be let in in kind
*********
A Man
I am a man as
a man I've been told
Bacon is brought to the house in this mold
Born of your bellies I yearn for the cord
Years I have groveled repentance ignored
And I have been blamed
And I have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended
I am man who has grown from a son
Been crucified by enraged women
I am son who was raised by such men
I'm often reminded of the fools I'm among
And I have been shamed
And I have relented
I'm working my way toward our union mended
And I have been shamed
And I have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended
we don't fare well with endless reprimands
we don't do well with a life served as a sentence
this won't work well if you're hell bent on your offence
I am a man who understands your resistance
I am a man who still does what he can
to dispel our archaic reputation
I am a man who has heard all he can
cuz I don't fare well with endless punishment
Cuz I have been blamed and I have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended
And we have been blamed and we have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended
*******
Flinch
What's it been over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago
We only influenced each other totally
We only bruised each other even more so
What are you my blood? You touch me like you are my blood
What are you my dad? You affect me like you are my dad
How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Where've you been? I heard you moved to my city
My brother saw you somewhere downtown
I'd be paralyzed if I ran into you
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again
What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god
What are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin
How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
So here I am one room away from where I know you're standing
A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in
This man knows not of how this information has affected me
But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in
What are you my kin? You touch me like you are my kin
What are you my air? You affect me like you are my air
*******
Narcissus
Dear momma's
boy I know you've had your butt licked by your mother
I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her
And every woman graced with your presence after
Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for
anything
I know you've never really taken responsibility
I know you've never really listened to a woman
Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict
resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation
And any talk of healthiness
And any talk of connectedness
And any talk of resolving this
Leaves you running for the door
(why why do I try to love you
Try to love you when you really don't want me
To)
Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any
consequence
You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance
Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so
easily
A stranger to the concept of reciprocity
People honor boys like you in this society
And any talk of selflessness
And any talk of working at this
And any talk of being of service
Leaves you running for the door
(why why do I try to help you try to help you
When you really don't want me to)
You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to ignoring all the rest of us
You go back to the center of your universe
Dear self centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by
you
I've never lasted very long with someone like you
I never did although I have to admit I wanted to
Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take
your shit
You've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it
I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it
And any talk of willingness
And any talk of both feet in
And any talk of commitment
Leaves you running for the door
(why why do I try to change you try to
Try to change you when you really don't
Want me to)
You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to being so oblivious
You go back to the center of the universe
*******
So Unsexy
Oh these
little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could
Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated
When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?
Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me
*******
That Particular Time
my foundation
was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time
we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and
vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were
abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us"
meant
I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself?-.i am
you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no
distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you
wanted
at that particular love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting
me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still
left
at that particular time
*********
Utopia
we'd gather
around all in a room fasten our belts engage in dialogue
we'd all slow down rest without guilt not lie without fear
disagree sans judgement
we would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and
forgive and
enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and
divulge and
open and reach out and speak up
This is utopia this is my utopia
This is my ideal my end in sight
Utopia this is my utopia
This is my nirvana
My ultimate
we'd open our arms we'd all jump in we'd all coast down into
safety nets
we would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by
passion not
invest in outcomes we would breathe and be charmed and amused by
difference
be gentle and make room for every emotion
we'd provide forums we'd all speak out we'd all be heard we'd all
feel seen
we'd rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful we would heal
be humbled
and be unstoppable we'd hold close and let go and know when to do
which we'd
release and disarm and stand up and feel safe
this is utopia this is my utopia
this is my ideal my end in sight
utopia this is my utopia
this is my nirvana
my ultimate
*********
You Owe Me Nothing In
Return
I'll give you
careless amounts of out right
Acceptance if you want it. I'll give you
Encouragement to choose the path you want if you need it.
You can speak of anger and doubts,
Your fears and freak-outs and I'll hold it.
You can share your so-called
Shamefilled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it.
And there are no strings attached,
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
And you owe me nothing in return.
You can ask for space for yourself
And only yourself and I'll grant it.
You can ask for freedom as was
Or time to revel and you'll have it.
You can ask to live by yourself
Or love someone else and I'll support it.
You can ask for anything you want
Anything at all and I'll understand it.
I bet you're wondering when
The next payback you'll eventually drop.
I bet you're wondering when my conditions or policies will force
you to cough up.
I bet you're wondering how far you now have danced moved back
into dead.
This is the only kind of love
As I understand it that there really is.
You can express your deepest of thruths
Even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it.
You can fall into the abyss
On the way to your bliss
And I'll empathize with.
You can't say that you'll have to skip town
To chase your passion and I'll hear it.
You can leave and hit rock bottom have a mid-life chrisis and I'll
hold it.
********
Ironic
An old man
turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures
Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think
A little too ironic...and yeah I really do think...
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures
Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out
********