December 4, 2005

Never more today that I can remember has the world tried to break me. I feel like every friend I have is alienated, that every outlet has disappeared, that all doors have closed. The devil is trying as hard as he can to make me turn my back on God. The devil wishes me to think that I have no friends, that only by being cold and inhuman can I regain what is important, my ego. I won't lie, it's a tempting offer he offers. But I know that even when I feel like this, God isn't wavering, He's just waiting for me to move. If I choose myself over others, then I'm only putting up a wall from Him. I know what I have to do, no matter how hard it is for my dignity and my arrogant nature.

Maybe seeing that all you have to gain is God is what sometimes makes you finally see what you've been asking to see all along. Even if it's the fourth or fifth time seeing it and seeking it again.

In church today, my pastor mentioned some things I found highly relevant to life in general right now.

We live, for the most part, in America, a place where we have almost unimaginable opportunity. This means we have many opportunites to rely on idols instead of God, like money, television, sports, cars, or even our jobs. With our freedom, it's easy to feel a lack of dependence on God in America, and even less of a feeling of a need to repent. In all our opportunity, have we forgotten our greatest opportunity?

I've been feeling a tug on my heart about this trip I'm planning, and today, it was mentioned in my pastor's sermon, in a manner of speaking. He mentioned that John the Baptist lived in the wilderness, and Jesus travelled to the wilderness to prepare for his ministry. I hope that what God is telling me is to go on this trip, so that He may prepare me for mine. I am too excited to describe how I feel about this.

I learned today that to repent is not to turn away from sin, but to turn towards the sin's opposite and empower that opposite. Instead of losing something bad, we gain something far more powerful and beautiful in nature.

I also realized today that there are somethings I felt aren't true because God wouldn't let them be, but they are, like:

Girls always date the jerk.
The bad guy can get away with murder.
People gossip talk badly about each other constantly, despite who they are.
People hold grudges.