January 22, 2006

Over the last week or so, I have kind of felt like I was drifting from God, and that I was not being given a sign of why.

Today I think I got all my signs at once.

I have realized at this point in my life, at times, I am not completely honest with God, in some of my pursuits. It's not that I don't want to be, I think that it's mostly because I'm still embarassed by some of the things I do.

As of today, it had been nearly a month since I had attended church, so going back today was actually sort of strange for me. I was also treated like a stranger by the youth that I had been a counselor to under a month ago.

I think they felt betrayed by my leaving to pursue what God has in store for me.

I just hope God shows them somehow that I was not abandoning them, but that I had to abandon myself to Him.

I also realized today that I have never had grief in someone's death like I have had in the death of my friend this past week. I know that God must have a reason for this occuring and affecting me like this, I just wish I knew what the reason was.

I prayed hard about my music this morning, that God would give us some vision and insight, and make it clear for us what we were supposed to be up to.

Tonight we finalized our lineup and got part of a song done.

I think the only thing keeping me from seeing more signs this week was my own selfishness and not wanting to see them.

I also talked to my friend that has long been struggling with their Christianity. They told me they have been regularly attending church, and that their relationship with God is growing every day now.

It was right then when I realized that despite everything I thought about this week, that maybe God just wasn't giving me abundant lessons or signs, was just my ignorance.

They were there when I looked for them.

I know now that I have to endlessly search for God, in all that I do, and that it can't have a lull, no matter how much the devil tries to make my life too busy, or tries to blur my vision. It is at this point that my search for God is even more important, and must be that much more involved and endless.

Why is it so easy to blame God for what we lack the sight for? Is our blindness not only another reason to ask for sight?