January 27, 2006

I feel I may have reached a point in my spirituality where I may be getting cocky about it, taking it for granted.

There are times where I feel like I just don't deserve it.

And I don't.

A big circle, it is. The grace that is given to me, free of charge, despite my inability to live up to what the originator of this grace lived by. After all this time, my mind still wants me to think I have to repay Him for it, or earn it.

I know that the devil is trying to go after my heart right now, and my soul, and turn me away from the love of God.

My sins are still far greater in number than I would like to admit, and I'm only just learning how to ask for the help I need.

One of the big ones is still my temper, and lack of patience. After driving in traffic today, I was actually really upset by that, and also how the day had been, in terms of frustrating events. It was here that I realized how I could never take hold of this problem alone, and that God has to step in to help me out.

I also talked to a good friend that I've made at my new job, actually one of the customers. I'd known him before I started the job, but in this job I've gotten to know him much better, and I actually respect him a lot more, both as a person, and in his spirituality.

We talked for awhile about a topic that, in all truth, I think I'm not supposed to be thinking about as much as I do. After we talked about it though, I realized that I truly am blessed by the people around me, that I see most days, and how I see God so often in many of them.

By the time I left work, all remaining feelings of frustration had long subsided and gave way to a peaceful feeling, for the first time in a few days, to be precise. God, it seems, has already begun to help me, and just in time, I think.

Where did we get the idea that we do things by ourselves, that any thing really worth doing, or at all, is possible alone? If we really could do everything on our own, why would God want to play a part in our lives, in assistance?