November 5, 2005

I think today was a sign for me, overall. I think I was seeing proof that God wants me to be involved in music. I sat and watched 6 bands in 8 hours today, and the lifestyle screams to me. I dont mean, oh how cool screams. I see parts of my life built up to it and I feel like God is telling me this now for a reason.

I have three friends going with me to church tomorrow. For some reason, I know. I know this is not coincidence, and God has something in store here soon. I can just feel it.

My money issue has become quite tight. My cash flow is very short, and I am truly seeing now how important it is to trust God in these matters. Faith becomes hard in a moment of extremity, and now is one of those moments, but I think for the first time ever, I completely believe that God will work it all out if I'm unselfish with it. I'm actually excited, not worried, to see how it works out. I guess maybe that's what faith is. Excitement over knowing that God will make it just as it's supposed to be, in the end.

I think God showed me this very recently:
Letting go of ego is the hardest thing a human being can do. To finally realize that dignity and pride are a result of ego, and letting go of all of them are essential to being closer to God, many of us slam into a wall. We are told so often to "be the bigger man" and walk away with dignity intact. While being the bigger man is a virtue, it is not actually being the bigger OR better man that we should be concerned with, I believe. It is being concerned with simply being a good person at all. If we wrap ourselves up on the logic that we are better because we've done the right thing, the act itself is negated. God tells us not to be the bigger man, but instead the lesser man, the humbled man. As our ego about ourselves and our pride grows, we have a harder time humbling ourselves before God, as we become an idol to ourself.

Why do we all, even Christians, worry so much about our lives? If we're told that it IS going to work out and be right, why do we waste so much of our lives concerned with it not turning out ok? If we have that little faith in our money or bills concerning God, how much faith do we have concerning our lives in His hands?