November 27, 2005

I fear that in my quest for God, I may be forgetting about God. The ideal that is the life of a Christian sometimes lets us run on the fumes of good feelings and the idea that we're working so hard for God that, we sometimes forget to talk to God about it as we go. I have to work on it, myself. I get caught up in doing His work, and almost lose sight of Him in the process, surely a dangerous game.

I find myself worried for a friend. They have made the choice to turn their back on many of the things they grew up with, in terms of their spirituality and family, among other things. This is where I question how God moves in us. Are they choosing this themselves, or has God planned this part to happen? I worry so much about them, I don't want to see the people I love make bad choices.

But at the same time, I've begun to question what really ARE the bad and good choices in this world, beyond the ultimate good or bad choice.

The hardest idea for me is that the only reason I don't hear what God is saying sometimes is because I'm not listening hard enough, if at all. I get so caught up in what life is "about" that I can forget to listen to the One for whom life really IS all about. Ego is a funny thing. I'm so scared that I will lose everything God has shown me, due to my own selfishness.

The thought of His love is one thing that gets me past it.

My desire is to be an obdient and joyful servant of God, all the time. I still have a hard time sometimes pushing back the feelings I have of wanting to just move for me, and putting Him off until later, even when I'm sure it's the wrong and selfish thing to do.

The joy He sends to me in the sunrise and sunsets and the future I know He has for me is enough to make me feel grateful again, however.

How often does rationale defeat God in our minds everyday? If we think that something seems unnatural or doesn't make sense in our little universe, do we dismiss that it could be real? When did the Creator become less rational than science?